Today I had an entertaining event occur in my life, which was the following:
I was at work, standing by the coffee machine, making a cup for myself, and at that point my colleague comes by – and I decide to strike up a conversation. We started talking, walking at the same time – now – my plan and direction was the dining room – because I was going to have my lunch – and so as we walked – this person veered of into another direction, and I followed, only to later realize that – OMG – this was not the direction the dining room – lol; so, at this point I realized that I must turn around and get back to the right direction, which would take me to the dining room – yet – here occurred the fascinating reaction – I felt embarrassed and fearful of saying to my colleague that I was not going in the direction in which she was going – because apparently that would make me rude – as well – well somewhat of a stalker – because here I was following my colleague around even though I wasn’t going in the same direction.
So, I designed the perfect plan, I veered of, seemingly by purpose, into another direction, and avoided the seemingly social embarrassing situation instead of having to say that – “Hey this is not the direction I am going in – I am going to eat my food in the dining room – see you!”
Thus, what I see here is that this situation is a result of my tendency to want to be liked, accepted, and not in anyway incur any ‘negative’ reactions in others – through me being what I perceive to be as unfriendly – and the origin point – and the word I see that I’ve yet to establish as myself is self-worth – to realize that regardless of what another thinks or see’s in me – this doesn’t define who I am – and thus within this to accept and allow myself to approach people, and move in social settings without fear, or trying to be pleasurable to others – because that is actually a pattern with its origin in fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of being boorish, or making a bad impression on others, through not being perceived as nice, pleasurable, or comfortable, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself, and change myself around human beings, in order to make sure that they like me, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being direct, and straight-forward with people in my world, in fear that they are going to think that I’m strange, insane, or not likable
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move myself around people from within and as a starting point of fear, as fearing that I will not be liked, and that I will not fit in, and that I will not be considered as normal, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto a idea of myself as thinking that I am inferior and less than others, and that I must make myself more when I am around others to get to their level of worth, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live, walk and participate with others as equal value, and equal worth – as seeing, realizing, and understanding that I am neither more than or less than
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that beings in my world are going to create a negative impression of me, and that they are going associate me with words such as strange, stalker, weird, and not likable, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move, motivate, and direct myself from within and as this starting point of a fear that I won’t be liked, and that I won’t be loved, and that I won’t fit in, and within that attempt and try to change myself so that I can fit in, and so that I can be accepted, and so that I can be someone that others find to be likable, and that they define as fitting in and being part of the gang
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am participating with others, to move myself from within and as this starting point of feeling that I must be a part of the gang, that I must be a part of the group, that I must be accepted, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into this insecurity, and inferiority when and as I am participating with others, wherein I am worried about how my movement, and direction is going to influence others, and what they are going to think about me when I speak, or move myself in a particular manner, or direction – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think more about how others see me, than giving attention to me living, participating and directing myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not when I participate and interact with others, place my attention on my solar plexus, and in my body, at the tip of my fingers, and at the tip of my toes, and be aware of myself here, and thus participate with others as an physical equal – direct here within and as my human physical body and not existing in a separate state of mind – in a experience, or thought – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive, and believe that I need experience, and I need my mind to participate with others – instead of realizing that I only require myself as my awareness – standing direct with and my human physical body – and participating directly – physically – here
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand as the courage of living self-honesty, wherein I dare to live me and express me without fearing how others might interpret or see me – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive and believe that I am not yet ready to stand up as the courage of living self-honesty, and that I first require to dabble in this fear, and then eventually moving myself out of it, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not establish this point of direct transcendence, and direct movement from mind to self-correction, wherein I immediately as I see that I go into a reaction, thought, or a mind pattern, that I move myself to self-support – and immediately start the process of walking through the point coming up within me
I commit myself to practice living the courage of living self-honesty – applying this courage as standing with breath – remaining with my human physical body – and when participating with others – making sure that I walk, participate and interact from within and as a starting point of me as breath – as a physical being here – and that I as such stop myself when going into fear – and take the step into the unknown as walking self-honesty here
I commit myself to practice living the word of self-worth – walking and applying this word in such a way that I worth and value myself – remaining here with myself in every moment of breath – and that when I notice I go into a fear as to how others value me, or see me, that I stop myself, bring myself back here – and stand as my own point of equal value here – as my human physical body – as breath – realizing that I am equally valuable as everyone else – as a physical equal point in this existence