Day 162: I Am Not Appreciated

Today I had a tough day, meaning that there were many reactions that came up within me, asking for me to attend to them and direct them – and because the mind is such a complex, and enormous thing, I will in this blog only take a look one of the points that came up.

To select what point I will work with, I ask myself, what of these points that came up today affected me the most on a physical level? The reason for this is because, often, the reactions that feel the most intense, and the worst, many times do not have that much of a physical impact – they merely feel bad – thus today I am going to look at the reaction that were in-fact bad in that it influenced my ability to participate in this physical reality, effectively and specifically.

What I can see is that the reaction came up within me, and changed my expression, posture, and stand, to be that of gloominess, and a slight depression – I didn’t speak as much, and my voice didn’t boom with that certainty and clarity that I have when I am stable, and silent within – though the actual reaction, and starting point of the experience, was not in itself depression or gloominess, I see that rather, the experience was a side-effect and result of a conflict experience, in which I suppressed my experience, and shoved it aside.

The experience that came up in this conflict was that of “I am not appreciated” – which triggered a emotional reaction of hurt and sadness, as well as blame towards the individual that I perceived as not appreciating me as much as I’d like.

What I can see that I require to work with is thus this point of, I am not appreciated, and I require to look at how it is that I’ve defined myself as being in need of appreciation, and what this appreciation should be like, for me experiencing myself as appreciated, and also, the pertinent question of, why I’ve not yet appreciated myself, and how am I am able to live self-appreciation, what is self-appreciation?

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame another, and feel like I am a victim that is being treated unfairly, when and as I perceive that another is not appreciating me, and is not giving me the credit that I deserve, and that I feel that I am worthy of

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a unappreciated individual, and hold unto blame towards my parents, and in particular my mother, feeling as if I have throughout my life, not received the appreciation that I’ve deserved, and that I’ve not been treated equally, and fairly in comparison with my siblings – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as being inferior, and less than other people, and see others as givers of appreciation, and think that I am not able, nor equipped, to give myself appreciation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in blame, and sadness, and hurt, when and as I perceive that my efforts to push, and move a particular points isn’t recognized by another, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that it’s unfair, and that I am victim, because my efforts are not being seen, and not being valued in the eyes of another, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the basis of my efforts in life, and the basis of me pushing and moving points in my world, to be that of receiving appreciation and praise from others, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not move myself as a self-independent and self-motivated individual, and as such stand stable in myself when I push and move points in my world, so that I am not in need from another to give me an experience of feeling appreciated

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become sad, hurt, and define myself as a victim, when and as I perceive that another isn’t not recognizing my efforts, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want others to recognize my efforts, instead of asking myself why I’ve not myself recognized my own efforts, why I’ve not myself allowed myself to see where it is that I am pushing, where it is that I am effective, and where it is that I am making a difference for myself as well as another, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not gift myself self-appreciation, and thus not anymore exist in a need and desire to get this experience and point from another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am in a conflict, and I feel that I am being criticized and judged for what I’ve done, and how have moved myself in a moment, to go into sadness, hurt, and feeling that I am a victim, and that I am unfairly robbed of me being recognized for my efforts, and for how I move myself in regards to certain points in my world – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strive for, desire, and want to be recognized, and feel that unless I get recognized, and have another say to me, that what I am doing is effective, that what I am doing works, to feel that it’s worthless, and that it doesn’t mean anything – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practice this point of recognizing myself, of telling myself, when I do something that I am satisfied with, that hey, this was cool, and I am satisfied with this, and it was a cool point that I walked, and pushed, and created

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame another, and go into a personality of feeling that my efforts have been diminished, and unfairly judged, when and as I perceive that another doesn’t see what I am doing, and how much labor I am putting into a particular point, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire that my efforts, my labor, and the soul I put into what I am doing, that it’s to be seen, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize, that I can’t expect another to recognize me, unless I am accepting and allowing myself to recognize myself first and foremost

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I feel unappreciated, and unfairly criticized, and judged, and that my efforts have not been recognized properly by another, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize, and understand that I can’t expect from another to recognize me, when I’ve not gifted myself this point yet, and as such I commit myself to practice me recognizing myself, and giving myself credit when I’ve walked a point effectively, and within this, to accept and allow myself to rest in a moment of being satisfied and proud over my creation, and as such give me a pat on my back instead of expecting another to do that for me

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