Day 164: Dreams As A Solution

A continuous thought pattern and experience, that I’ve written about before, but not yet walked to completion, is that of anxiety, and fear of the future – and I see that this particular point is of such magnitude, that it actually clouds me from seeing in which direction I require to go, and move myself, and how it would be beneficial for me to walk in the world system, as well as in my personal life.

What I see about this fear is that it comes up within me in the shape and form of dreams and fantasies, it begins either with a initial excitement, or with a slight brush of anxiety, and this is related to the future, and the dream and fantasy contain a preferable play-out wherein I will achieve something, get into a particular position, or acquire some form of possession that will make me feel comfortable in life, or increase me stature in the system.

An example would be that I’ve recently had dreams and fantasies come up in my mind in regards to education, wherein I’ve pondered whether I should walk two educations at the same time, or but one, and I’ve in this dreaming considered how much more secure I would be in the world system if I was in a position of having two educations, and also become excited in terms of seeing myself in the future with much knowledge, and understanding of how a particular point out there functions.

Thus, what I am able to see is that my dreaming, and fantasizing about the future has two dimensions: it has a fear dimension, wherein I fear for my survival, and I use dreams, and fantasies to create solutions for that fear, to calm myself, and make me feel more confident about myself – the other dimension is that of being excited, which indicates that there is a word I am able to live, and bring back to myself here – and what I see is that the word my dreams, and fantasies represent is that of self-expansion – and thus I am able to bring that word back to myself HERE, and practice applying and living it as a daily living application.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use fantasies and emotions to build up, and support my fear patterns, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my future, and to fear for my survival, and to fear that I won’t be able to effectively secure for myself a position wherein I am able to gain money, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as a state of panic, and anxiety within me, wherein I use dreams, and fantasies to create alternate reality’s and dimensions in my mind, to create some form of feeling of safety in me, and that I am in control, and that I know what I am doing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear, and anxiety that I am going to loose control, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within, and as a fear of not being able to predict my future, and plan my future exactly, and be certain and sure about what is going to happen in the future in terms of money, survival, and my relationships, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as a fear of survival, instead of developing self-trust, and pushing myself to walk in breath, and to stand in the system and direct myself to my fullest potential according to what is here in this moment, and according to how I am able to move myself in order to create benefit and support for myself on a physical basis

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear and anxiety towards being alone in the world system without an education, without a skill that others want to have, without having access to relationships that make me feel comfortable, secure, and stabilized in my world and reality, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to into and as a survival fear of the future, wherein I perceive, and define myself as being insufficient, and not effectively enough equipped to take on and walk the world system, and walk myself into a position of economic and physical stability and support, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into fear, anxiety, worry and concern, instead of stabilizing myself here, establishing a plan for myself, and then directing myself according to this plan, and not accept and allow doubt, fear, worry and concern to creep in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become fearful of my future, fearing that I won’t be able to direct myself in the competition that exists in the world system in regards to getting money, employment and creating a future for oneself, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distrust myself, and exist within and as a starting point of constantly trying to find ways to increase my value, and worth on the job market, in fear that unless I do that, I won’t be able to stand the competition, and I won’t be able to create anything of worth, and value with my life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, to perceive and define myself as being inferior, and less than the system, and less than employment, and less than money, and think that the only way I am able to handle this, and walk it all through, is through me going into fear, and subjugating myself, and making myself a eager slave

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an idea of myself that I am not a good employee, and that I have difficulty to survive and move myself in the system, and that I am overall, not very effective when it comes to social relations, or establishing networks, or getting things done, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what is going to happen with me, and how I am going to deal with, and walk through this world, when I am finished with my education, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distrust myself, and think that I am not able to take care of myself, and I am not able to take care of my own life, and I am not able to focus, and apply myself, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my reliance, and my force of movement in the hands of fear, wherein I want and desire fear to move me, and I want and desire anxiety to move, to take care of me, and put me in a position in which I feel safe and secure in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be intertwined and constantly busy within and as a anxiety, stress and fear towards the future, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to constantly exist in a state of ‘what-if?’ – wherein I exist in a fear of what might happen, and how things might go, and a fear that unless I each moment push myself to survive, and control things, that my life is going to go down the drain, and that there is going to be nothing I can do about it, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a fear, and anxiety of becoming but slave labor in this world, and loosing my position of being comfortable, and having a easy, and stable life, and instead facing the darkness and the unpredictability that exists within this world for those that have no access to money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming overwhelmed with the system, to fear becoming engulfed, eaten and devoured by the system, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as a mode of protection, wherein I constantly attempt and try to make sure that I have control, in fear that unless I walk this control point, that the system is then going to take control of me and lead me astray, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my trust in control, instead of accepting and allowing myself to trust myself, and see, realize and understand that I am actually able to walk into the system, to apply myself in the system, yet this doesn’t have to affect me in anyway what-so-ever – and I can actually utilize the process of walking in the system to support myself to open up points, and to stabilize, and ground myself even further in my self-change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in and go into a constant state of anxiety and worry, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it, and define it as being normal for me to worry, and think that it’s a natural behavior, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question this anxiety, and question this worrying, and see, realize and understand that I am able to do something about this state of anxiety and worrying, that I don’t require to live, and move myself and exist in this state of energy, but that I am instead able to bring myself back here to and as my human physical body, and motivate myself on a physical basis, wherein I am not moved by and through energy, but moved within and as my own decision for me to move and direct myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry and fear that there isn’t enough time for me, and that I am not using the time that I have sufficiently effective for me to have an impact in my own life, and for me to complete, and get done my responsibilities, and commitments, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a state of fear of loosing time, and a worry, and anxiety in relation to loosing time, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I exist within and as a fear of loosing time, and a fear of not getting things done, and fear of not having sufficient with time, then this is what I am creating for myself – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not move myself back into and as my human physical, back to my breath, and instead of existing in a fear of loosing time, live and participate and move myself here equal with time, and walk with breath, and create myself with breath, and not be out of breath all the time

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am moving, and applying myself in my life, from a starting point of fearing to loose time, and feeling that I have to little time, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that this point of fear of loosing time in-fact makes me loose time, and that as such, the solution is to live HERE with and as time, and not in fear of loosing time, or feeling that I have to little time; thus – I commit myself to breath and walk with time, with breath, with my body here, and not project myself into my mind

When and as I see that I am going into a state of looking at my future from a starting point of fear, and anxiety, wherein I am planning, and trying to get somewhere, to secure my position in the system, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I am here, and that my potential to direct and live myself is HERE and not out there in the future, and thus I commit myself to live, direct and move myself HERE – to work with what is HERE in my life and stop believing that my life is out there in the future – I am here

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