Day 166: Wasting or Saving Time?

I will write about time, and my future today – in particular the fear of wasting my time.

So, today the following occurred, my partner asked me to assist her in removing a tick from one of our cats, and I said yes – but within me I was reluctant, and I didn’t really want to do it – the reason being: I felt as if this project of removing the tick was a waste of my time, the time I could’ve instead used to make sure I survive – doing ‘important’ work things.

The same point of fear of wasting time comes up when I decide to go out for a walk to support my body, or practice pilates in order to support my back – I fear that I am wasting my time, because each and every second of my day isn’t spent at making sure that I survive and that I make a living for myself.

It’s interesting, because due to my fear of wasting time, that stems back to fear of survival, I will compromise points in my life that supports my body, and thus my survival, such as going out for a walk, cooking a wholesome meal for myself, or taking care of my body – and I will as well compromise the wellbeing of others, such as the wellbeing of my cat, because I feel that it’s a waste of time to spend some moments removing a tick.

What is wasting time? Isn’t wasting time not using time properly? I mean, using my time to do something that isn’t for money, that can’t be wasting my time – that’s rather using my time, but doing something else with my time than protecting my continued survival in the system. Thus, the definition of wasting time, I’ve currently connected to the point of wasting money, loosing money, and not getting ahead in the system, but that’s not a clear and common sense definition of wasting time. An effective definition of wasting time is rather, to spend time in my mind, thinking, fearing, worrying, or feeling – being separate from my body and my world, and reality that is here – that is the very essence of wasting time – that is to say: not being PRESENT and HERE with myself in time, and with time. Thus, the most important point is not WHAT I do with my time, but WHO I am within what I do with my time, because that is the point that has real weight, and answers the question as to whether I am wasting my time or not.

Though, its obvious that I do require to spend time on survival, and money, because without that, my life can’t function – though – I see that this point doesn’t have to be walked in a state of stress and fear, that unless I am spending time on survival, I am wasting my time – Instead I can look at what requires to be done, how much time it will take, and then do it – then when I am done, I am done, and I’ve thus used my time to direct my responsibilities, and I can move on and use my time for other purposes.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value my time according to how much money I am able to make in that time, or how many skills I am able to develop within that time that will allow me to make money, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define to value of myself and my life according to money, and believe that unless I spend my time on making money, or pushing myself to survive in this world, than this is time that I’ve wasted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly think about how I am spending my time, and whether, or whether not I am spending my time wisely, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this constant questioning comes from within and as a anxiety, and fear of wasting my time, wasting my life, and not doing or creating something productive or visible with my life, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I don’t need and require this constant anxiety, that I can instead simply look at what requires to be done, and organize, and plan my life to suit what requires to be moved, and then move the points accordingly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this anxiety exists within me, because I perceive that I am not doing enough, that I am not creating, or moving enough, and that I must do more in order for me to be effective, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not ask myself what it is that I am able to do, and whether I am doing what I can, or whether I can do more, instead of accepting and allowing this worry, and fear to remain on a abstract level, where I just feel like I am not doing enough, but wherein I haven’t actually schematized for myself exactly how I am using my time, and also asked myself, what I want to use my time for

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that to give myself time, to for example watch a movie, or go outside and take a walk, that is not a waste of time, because giving myself such a point, I am actually nurturing and supporting myself, and strengthening myself to be able to walk, and stand, and continue to apply myself in this process – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not decide for myself what I want to do, how much I want to contribute, where I want to contribute, and how I want to design, and create my life, and accordingly my a schedule for each day of the week, so that there is no anxiety, there is no fear, because I know what to do, I know what to spend my time on, and there is no questions about it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a fear that I will not have enough time to spend on my business that I am walking, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a fear of wasting time, and fear that I don’t have enough time to put into my business, and due to this, my business will not move forward, and I will not be able to create anything for myself, in my life, because there is no money coming in, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as fear in relation to this point, instead of accepting and allowing myself to plan how much time I am to give to my business, to plan how much time I am to give to my process, to be specific, and make some decisions within myself, so that there needs to be no worry, because I know what I am doing, and I know how I am doing it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this fear of wasting time, and this anxiety I experience, is actually very undefined, and I realize that it partly arises because I haven’t given myself a clear direction, and defined for myself what it is that I want to complete, and create, and move each and every day, and each and every week, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make clear directives for myself as to what it is that I want to create in this life, and then structure my time accordingly, and in my schedule, make room for me-time – where I for example go out and walk, and also make room for others in my life to come through, room for me helping and assisting them, room for being social, room for writing, and as such create my schedule and life in balance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a resistance towards helping my partner to take care of the cats, because I experience such a help to be a waste of time, something that will eat up much of my day – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this signifies, and shows, that I am in that moment possessed with and as stress, and with and as fear, and I see, realize and understand that no harm will come to what I am doing, or participating within, if I take five or ten minutes, to assist and support my partner with the cats – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be flexible with my schedule, to when I’ve decided to do something, also be able to stop doing that thing, and do something else, when that is required, without it causing fear or anxiety within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and define helping my partner with taking care of the cats as being less important, and less valuable than me doing my studies, or me spending time on my business, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create these ideas, and perceptions of myself, and time, wherein I see time as this elusive and hard-to-catch manifestation, that I require to constantly have my eye on, and push myself to use as effectively as I am able to, because if I don’t, it will run away, and disappear in the cracks between my fingers

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to fight to hold unto time, and exist within and as a fear of loosing time, wherein I believe that if I stop fighting, and if I stop struggling trying to keep in time, then I am going to loose myself, and loose my effectiveness, and loose my momentum, and my life will come to halt, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath, and bring myself back here, and realize that time is here in every moment, that time is not something that I am able to loose, or miss, or squander, because it’s here – I simply have to decide to live HERE with and as time, and direct myself in common sense, in time – and as such stopping to look, or trying to save time – but instead live within and as the time I am given HERE

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am going into stress, anxiety, worry or fear about the future, about my time, and that I am not using it effectively enough to stabilize myself in my life, and get my business, and other projects going, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that time is HERE, that time is not a elusive construct that I require to find, and save, and catch, and make sure it doesn’t run away – and as such I commit myself to take a breath and bring myself back here to and as my human physical body, and stabilize myself HERE – and walk HERE one and equal with time, and instead of fearing that I don’t use my time, direct myself as time – to make sure that I am living within directive decisions and that I am not living in fear of loosing time, or in worry that I am not doing enough

I commit myself to clearly define the goals of my life, to clearly define the priorities of my life, so that there exists no room for second-guessing, so that there exists no room for fear, or doubt, or anxiety, but that I know what I am doing, and why I am doing it, and how I am doing it

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One thought on “Day 166: Wasting or Saving Time?

  1. Pingback: Dag 446: Vad Händer Om Jag Inte Klarar Det? | Viktor Persson

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