Day 169: I Look Like an Actor!

Today I faced a reaction that played out in a humorous way. So, the context was the following: I was hanging out with some people, and we were discussing, interacting and participating – suddenly one of the individuals points out that I look a lot like an actor – and in that moment I immediately reacted in feeling boisterous, and swell – “HAHA I look like an actor!” – was my initial thought; that must mean I look really good!

Then the humorous twist entered into the picture, because the individual then proceeded to show me a picture of the actor I looked like, and to my disappointment the actor was an man in his fifties that wasn’t at all particularly attractive or good looking – and when I saw that I had this strong reaction of embarrassment as well as disappointment. What came up within me was also a form of tension in my chest area – and that was fear – the fear of being laughed and ridiculed in-front of others as not being attractive – but instead looking old and ugly.

Thus, in this blog I will work with this particular reaction that came up as anxiety, fear and embarrassment.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself according to how I look, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire others see me as beautiful, as a movie-star, as something that stands out as having a unique appeal, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become happy, and feel excited when and as I believe that someone is commenting on my appearance positively

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as fear, anxiety and embarrassment when and as someone points out that I don’t have that picture perfect appearance and that I instead look old, and ugly, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to have others see me and value me according to my appearance, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my appearance is my everything, and that what people think of me is the most important thing in my life and that I as such require to look like a movie star and have people in my world think positively of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire that others are to comment upon me positively – and to speak of my looks positively – and to when and as they look at me – they are going to be impressed with me – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed within and as my desire to impress upon others with how I look

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto a memory of my past wherein my mother commented upon how I looked, and she said to me that I was beautiful and more so than others, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to this memory, and think of myself that because my mother defined me, and told me that I was beautiful, and I had a positive experience in relation to this, that because of this it meant that I require to search and walk in my life in search for attempting and trying to re-create that experience and again have someone speak to me and tell me that I am beautiful and attractive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to have others care for me, and like me through me being attractive, and likable, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for a positive experience, to search for a positive energy confirmation wherein my appearance is confirmed by another as being attractive and sexual, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself self-care, and self-love, and give to myself this point of being calm and at ease with myself regardless of how I look, or how others perceive me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need and require another to make me whole and to give me a warm feeling of care, and comfort, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto a memory of my mother commenting on my exterior, and saying to me that I am attractive, and beautiful, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed and controlled within and as this desire to be accepted and hold by another and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not hold myself – and comfort myself – and accept and allow myself to stop searching for someone to comment upon me and create a feeling within me of me being whole – and that I instead in every moment breath myself back into my body and realize that I am here – that I am whole – that I am already what I require and what I need and that I don’t have to have someone comment positively on my physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be worried, concerned and nervous as to how others judge my exterior, as to how they judge how I smell, as to how they judge how I move myself, participate and speak – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as, and be on a constant search, and mission to attempt and try to be accepted by others, so that I can feel comforted, and cared for – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not comfort, and care for myself – and give myself that unconditional acceptance – that unconditional love of not anymore trying to fit in and be accepted and gain attention for something in my life – or how I look – or what I do – but that I am instead worthing myself unconditionally and that I stop trying to fight in order to become someone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to how others look, and go into and as a competition with others, specifically males, wherein I want to show and prove to others that I have the most attractive exterior and appearance, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my value will come from me being seen as attractive, and as having a beautiful appearance, and having someone comment upon that – and that this is the only way that I’ll be able to stand up in this world and make something out of myself – through proving and showing to others that I am the most beautiful – and that I am the most attractive – and that I am the most desirable – in believing that my value is relative to the value I believe others have assigned to themselves

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am defining myself according to how I look, I stop, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I am not limited nor defined by how I look – I decide my value, my worth and my purpose, not how I look – and thus I commit myself to breath myself back in my physical body – and be here physically with my touch, with my breath, with my senses, and feel my physical body and realize that this is what is real – not the image and the experience of my image that I have coming up in my mind

I commit myself to stop searching for someone to notice me and I commit myself to apply this point of me noticing myself as who I am – as a being – as someone that goes beyond looks and exterior appearance – and see that there is more to me than this – and thus I commit myself to value myself as how I express myself and how I walk and participate physically here – and not define myself through an image

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