Today I am going to look deeper into some fears that came up.
So, this week I’ve been walking the active creation process of stopping myself from projecting myself into future, as well as going into fear and anxiety in relation to the future, and start building ideas of what I should do and how I should do it in order to ‘make it’ in this world.
Though, today I fell in my application, and the consequential outflow was that I got locked into a state of anxiety, and fear for some hours – and I am now here in order to look at the process of how I created this point; take myself back HERE and re-commit myself to continue walking the point.
I will utilize the tool of the mind-construct in order to walk through this pattern.
-> I am talking with my friend
->-> He tells me that he’s got a well respected education
->->-> I start to think about my own education
->->->-> Maybe my education won’t suffice for me to have a job
->->->->-> I start to think about what I am able to do to change this
->->->->->-> I come up with a plan to study one more course
->->->->->->-> This plan creates inner conflict within me
->->->->->->->-> I am fearful that I will compromise my primary studies
->->->->->->->->-> I reel backwards and forwards thinking yay or nay
So, from this timeline it’s interesting to see that the origin point is FEAR – and then when I get to the perceived solution – which is to start another set of studies – what comes up yet again is FEAR – obviously then the real solution can’t be to study yet another subject because the actual issue at hand is not that my studies on a practical dimension aren’t effective enough for me to get a job in the future. No, rather the actual issue at hand is an issue with self-trust – and an issue with walking into the future and trusting myself to handle the future effectively.
I remember one instance in particular where I decided that I couldn’t trust myself. This was in my teenage years – I’d decided to go to a course. I’d paid for it – yet I completely forgot about it and the result was that I missed the course. When that happened I went into somewhat of a shock, and I said to myself in somewhat of a disbelief, that I will not be able to trust myself again, because I am seemingly loosing my grip on reality.
I will walk my self-forgiveness on this point now – and I will specifically focus on this memory that I’ve brought up here as well as the aspect of self-trust in relation to walking into and dealing with the future effectively and specifically.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself in relation to walking out into and standing in the system, and walking through the system and establishing myself in the system, and building a life and a living for myself in the system, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto a memory of myself, wherein I said to myself that “I can’t trust myself” – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to find substitutes for self-trust – and substitutes for self-reliance – such as trying to do as many educations and courses as possible – instead of realizing that this is not the solution – the solution is rather that I develop effective self-trust for myself HERE within and as my human physical body and that I stop trying to become and look for more in my mind
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto this petrification in my chest area in relation to the future, in relation to time, in relation to money, and in relation to making it in this world – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with thoughts about me not making it in this world, and me playing out before my inner eye, the absolute worst case scenario, and then creating a positive mind-fuck of playing out the absolute best scenario, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving up this fear – and fear letting go of this anxiety and instead of trusting myself – instead starting to rely on myself and know that regardless of what point I am going to face in this world – I will walk through it – I will get to the other side – and I will not give up and give in
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto an character of I am not able to trust myself, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto this character in the context of money, career and education, and thus constantly belittle myself in my mind, and perpetually feed this fear in my mind that I will not be able to make it, and that I will not be able to stand, and that I will not be able to walk through and direct my life and living effectively, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not say – NO – this is ENOUGH – I will not base my life and my decisions on fear and self-distrust – I will instead base and will my life based upon self-trust – and I will walk my life without fear and make the best out of it
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not place my energy, my physical energy and life force into creating solutions that are best for all – and as such I commit myself change my starting point in life – from survival – to birthing solutions – birthing constructive practical solutions that will benefit my life and the lives of others
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the future in my mind, and plan ahead for several years, from a starting point of fear and securing my own survival, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this is not a solution – and how this is not the way to go – but that this only makes me internalize myself in my mind even more – and doesn’t contribute to life on earth – doesn’t contribute to this existence – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit and hold myself back in my application and movement in life in the belief that I have to hold unto my own survival and fear
When and as I see that I am going into this survival character of attempting and trying to control my life in order for me to survive, and I utilize dreams, projections, and experiences of fear in order retain and feel in control of my life, I immediately stop myself, I bring myself back here to and as my human physical body – and I commit myself to breathe and bring myself back into and as my human physical body – and stand up and say – NO – NOT ANYMORE – from here on I direct my life without fear and I do so from a starting point of establishing LIFE on earth as what is best for all – that is my purpose and that is my direction