Day 175: An Addiction To The Unreal

I’m now walking the ACTual process of stopping future projections – and this has lead me to some fascinating insights in regards to exactly what it is that at times makes me go into these projections – even though I’ve decided and committed myself not to do it.

When a projection comes up within me, a future plan, decision, or hope, there is an accompanying intrigue, fascination and urgency to it – the best way to describe the feeling is that unless I go into this projection – unless I take to heart and pursue it – I will MISS out on something. Thus, this is a dimension within myself that currently holds me back from stopping myself completely with this projection point – I feel, believe, and experience that when I am stopping myself – I am missing out on something.

Looking at it in common sense, it’s quite clear that YES – I am missing out on something when I stop my projection – yet: Why would I want to go through and take part in that which the projection has to offer?

I mean, the fascinating aspect of this missing out dimension, is that going into the mind, into the thoughts, the backchat, and the inner dialogue – it doesn’t in-fact have anything of substance and value to offer. For example when I go into a projection about the future, what will happen is that I will go into that state of dreaming, fantasizing, and creating alternate playouts for the future, but in reality – I am just standing still – not aware of my body and my physical environment – and thus not actually alive, breathing, and directing my reality here.

So, yes I miss out on something when I am not going into a projection, but that which I miss out upon is actually not of any value or worth – it’s simply energy, and different variations of pictures – though when I do go into my projections I miss out upon something real and tangible – a moment HERE with and as my physical body – a REAL moment here in this REAL physical world – where I am instead of being physical – directive – present – and here; inside my mind.

Thus, missing out on the fantasies of the mind = no big deal! Missing out on a moment of physical life and living = PROBLEM! Because obviously being here, living, participating, breathing and taking part of the physical actual world – that is what LIFE is – it’s not more or less than that – life is HERE and it’s thus up to me to make the decision to stand one and equal with that life and not accept and allow myself to loose a moment of life through being stuck in my mind.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lure myself into going into these projections and fantasies of the future through the fear of missing out, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the mind, fear letting go of my projections, my anxieties, worries, concerns, and inferiorities that are connected to the future – in fear that I am going to miss out upon something – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that it’s quite obvious that I am going miss out upon something – yet the point to take into consideration is what it is that I am missing out upon, I mean, a projection, a thought, some lines of backchat, is that really what I want from life? I mean – there is obviously more, such as a real physical breath here with and as my human physical body – and that is something I miss out upon when and as I accept and allow myself to go into my mind and start projection and creating future scenarios between my ears

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how when I go into my mind – when I follow a projection and go up in my mind and start thinking, worrying, considering, and feeling the future – I am in-fact compromising and belittling my moment here with and as my human physical body, and I’m instead of living, actually participating and being a one and equal force in this physical world – existing in my mind – in a state of suspension – in a state of death – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push and will myself to bring myself back here in every breath – to bring myself back HERE in every moment – to make the decision to not miss out on a single physical moment here – and realize that this is what matters – the physical is real – that is the point that I don’t want to miss out upon whereas my mind is simply energy – a round-and-round machine that doesn’t lead anywhere – and thus not of any value to exist within

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become afraid and worried of letting my projections, and future scenarios go, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear, that if I let my projections and future scenarios go, I am going to loose myself, and I am not going to know what to do with, and how to walk into my future, and how to direct my life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my trust, as to how I am to live, how I am to direct my life, how I am to move myself, into my projections, into fantasies, into fear-experiences, into anxiety, believing that I need something more – something additional in order for me to trust myself and make the decision to move myself in my life – walk through my life and create myself here in this physical world and existence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself, and realize that I don’t require and need fantasies, projections, and fear, and anxiety in order to move myself, in order to establish a plan for myself, and then move according to this plan – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist, and fear letting go of my projections and fantasies, in the fear of being here with myself, in the fear of standing alone in this world, and being alone in this world, taking full responsibility for my life, wherein I am not anymore able to blame my thoughts, my fantasies, my projections for how I move and direct myself through my life, because it’s all me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not will myself to take responsibility – to stand as that point within my life and world as not accepting and allowing myself to be split within me – not accepting and allowing myself to be a house divided against itself – and instead push myself to exist HERE – whole – complete and full in every moment of breath – with all my attention and presence being HERE in this moment and in this breath and not spread, divided and compromised

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when and as I am going into my mind, and I start to think of the future, I am missing a physical moment here with myself – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that gift that I am able to give to myself through actually accepting and allowing myself to let go of, and push through this tendency and habit of mine, to go into my mind, and to become mesmerized by projections, fantasies, and thoughts, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make the decision to be diligent and to be decisive and to immediately as these projections come up – say no – and push through that experience of missing out – and say to myself that I am not missing out upon anything – and that I am really missing out upon something through not accepting and allowing myself to be grounded – stabilized – HERE – with and as my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to stop my future projections, thinking that my future projections are giving me something that I can’t create and establish for myself – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to through future projections emulate the experience of movement – the experience of creation – the experience of challenging myself and pushing myself forward – wherein I will through creating these future projections almost feel as if I am there already – while I am not in-fact – thus fooling myself in believing that I am pushing myself and enhancing myself – and getting ahead – instead of realizing that I am just here – but in my mind thinking about things – and thus I commit myself to re-align this movement to expand – this push to establish and refine myself – and become more effective – as a actual physical and direct expression here – and thus make sure that I each day remain here and physical push myself to expand – to widen – to get out there and to actually make something effective – and worthwhile of myself on a physical actual practical level here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the life is to be lived in moments – that life is to be directed and walked in moments – that life is not supposed to be systematized and built to pursue and realize a purpose of some form – because life is HERE – and thus the same goes with this process – and the same goes with my life – that I will not be able to effectively live if I am constantly somewhere in the future – somewhere ahead in time – somewhere out there that is not actually HERE – and thus I see realize, and understand – that in order to live fully – and order to live completely – I require to let go of my mind and my projections and embrace the HERE – this moment HERE – and walk my process and my life on a physical moment to moment basis – because from HERE I will be able to make sound and effective assessments of my world and accordingly effective decisions

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am going into future projections in my mind, and I don’t want to stop, or bring myself back here, because I feel that I would then be missing out upon something, I breathe, and I state within me that, I will not miss out on anything, because I will gain the physical – a physical real moment of living here – something that is of substance that is a place in existence wherein I have the power and ability to affect change – and make a difference for myself – and thus I commit myself to bring myself back here – and live here – and walk with the physical – and push myself through my tendency and addiction to go into future projections and experiences in my mind

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