Yesterday I asked my partner she could support my in laying tarot cards on this point, she did that, and the following emerged: Life and responsibility is something that I’ve placed outside of myself and that I see as being very fragile things that unless I constantly tend to them, and make sure they function and are properly in place – they will fall apart. Thus, fear is something that has come up within me in relation to my future, because I feel unable to effectively handle life, and from my perspective, it’s more like an egg that I balance on spoon, while I am at the same time running forward, dodging, and zigzagging to avoid obstacles.
The delusion I’ve created is that I will through this running, and pushing myself forward in life, at one stage, or time be able to relax, and let go – to put that egg away and breathe out. The problem though, is that there exist no such stage or future time, and that regardless of how many projects, or methods I develop, to ensure my life, my financial success, my comfort, and lifestyle, that experience of life being like wobbly egg on a spoon will persist – because the core-point has not effectively been dealt with.
Thus, in this blog I am going to look at the core-point, which is as I currently see it located in a memory from my teens. I was around seventeen years old, and had some years left in school before I was supposed to wander into the world by myself. At this time I began to question what skills, and abilities I’d attained throughout my life, and I concluded that they were few and far in-between. This thought-construct came up and develop from within and as a experience and starting point of fear, and anxiety, and primarily the worry was related to how I would be able to deal with my future – what would I be able to do with my life when I knew absolutely nothing at all? Would I slowly but surely sink into non-existence as my life came to be more and more irrelevant? That was my origin fear – the fear of not being able to do anything with myself and my life and that it would just vanish – and that my life would come to nothing.
So, in this I decided to develop skills, and abilities, and it was specifically done from this starting point of fear – and I moved myself very diligently and with great perseverance – yet: It was all based upon fear – and here I am today – wherein this fear is still prevalent within me – because of this one point – where I decided that I can’t trust myself to walk into my life and deal with it – stabilize myself within it – and make something out of myself – but that I must develop and create some form of skill that I can define myself according to – in order for me to be sure that my life will not fall apart the moment I step out of my parents protective sphere and start caring for and directing my own life and living.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to state within myself, that because I have no skills, and no abilities, I will not be able to care for, and attend to, and direct my life, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and form the solution within me, that I must acquire, and build skills for myself so that I am able survive in this world, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to decide to develop, and create skills for myself in this world, from a starting point of fear, and self-distrust, in believing that I am not able to handle, and effectively direct my life, and living, and I am not able to stabilize myself without being certain that I have money, and I have the skills I require in order to attain the particular professions that I require to place myself in to survive
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the decision to develop skills from a starting point of fear, and self-distrust, in thinking to myself that I am not able to trust myself, and I am not able to rely upon myself in walking, and participating in this world, and that I require, and need someone else to guide me, and help, or I need, and require some form of skill or ability that I am able to rely upon and that can help me get through my life so that I am able to survive, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear, and anxiety, and give into these experiences, and design my life around these experiences, in believing that they are real, and that I am not able to trust myself, and I am not able to build a life for myself, because I am somehow, simply not equipped, and stable enough, to go out and create and build myself, and stand stable and certain in my life, unless I have these skills and abilities in my backpack
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not instead trust myself that I will be able to walk out into this world and direct myself – to develop the skills necessary for me to handle my life, to if I find myself in a situation where I don’t have developed skills or abilities, that I then direct myself to do so, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself that I will be able to direct and handle, and take on, and walk the situations in my life that come up, and that I don’t need some form of additional experience, skill or ability to do that, and that I as such only need and require myself – my human physical body here – and that I direct myself HERE to deal with what emerge in my life on a moment per moment basis
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distrust myself in terms of being able to walk and handle and direct my life effectively, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive and believe that my effectiveness, and ability in terms of handling, and directing my life is dependent upon a ability, a skill, or a experience, upon money, upon my future, upon my past, instead realizing that I can trust myself to direct my life – that I don’t need and require to attain and have something more – or something better – or something more extravagant than myself – and that it’s about WHO I AM within and as each and every moment of breath – it’s about who I decide to be and how I decide to live and how I decide to approach my life and the problems that emerge that I require to direct – that is what will make the difference as to whether I will live a effective life or not
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself, and see, realize and understand that what I require in order to be effective in life is not skills, or abilities, but rather that I am present, aware, and HERE, ready and able to direct and move myself – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not instead of focusing upon creating skills and abilities for myself, focus upon me remaining present, aware and stable here – not reacting, not becoming emotional, and not becoming possessed with experiences, but rather remaining factual, and objective – and developing solutions and directing problems as they emerge – and realizing that this is what I require to perfect in order for me to walk through my life effectively – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the gift of self-trust – and expand myself within this self-trust in developing the ability take my decisions upon basis of common sense as I face challenges and difficult points and situations throughout my life and living
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the decision within myself that I am not able to trust myself, and to believe that the only way I will be able to get myself through this lifetime is through acquiring certain abilities and skills, acquiring money, and a profession that is stable, so that I can be certain that I will survive, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in making that decision, I set myself up for a lifetime of fear, wherein I’ve placed myself in separation from life, and in separation from responsibility, instead of standing as those points as myself – and living as life – living as responsibility – and thus not anymore trying to fix, or repair, or direct my life to become safe, and secure, in order for me to make it through my life – but instead trusting myself that whatever might come and emerge in my life – I will find a solution – I will direct myself – and I will place myself in a position and in a stand that will be supportive for myself and those around me
When and as I see that I am going into a state of self-distrust, in believing that I require a particular skill, or ability, or future play-out in order to make it, and be safe, and secure, and stable, I stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here to my human physical body – and I see, realize and understand that this is only a fix, and an attempt to repair an underlying issue which is that I don’t trust myself to walk through life and direct myself effectively, and find solutions to the issues and problems that I face – and thus I commit myself to develop myself as my direction and my self-trust in standing stable and effective HERE – finding solutions and move through difficult times and challenges through establishing routes and plans – and movements that will be supportive for me as well as those around me – thus trusting myself to deal with and direct life as it emerge and develop – instead of trusting that skills and abilities will do this for me
I commit myself to develop self-trust – through pushing myself to trust myself as I walk into the future, and into the unknown – that I will direct the challenges and problems – that I will find solutions – and that I will not give up upon myself – but instead push myself until I am satisfied that I’ve established effective ways of directing my life that is best for all