Day 179: You Hurt Me

Yesterday I had an overwhelming experience of hurt come up within me. It arose within as I was speaking with another, and was triggered as this other utilized a specific sound that I perceived as irritated as well as complaining – and the content of the words was that of how there was a point in my life that I didn’t direct sufficiently effective and that I accordingly must change.

So, what came up within me was hurt and sadness – and the reasoning and purpose of the experience was that I was now hurt, and it was this other person’s fault, and that I will use this hurt, and sadness experience to show to this other person just how hurt, and sad I’ve become, and how it’s their fault; thus – a form of manipulation.

It’s interesting that this is a game that I often played with my motherhere I used feeling hurt, and sad as weapons in order to have my mother feel guilty for something I perceived she’d done or said to me. The same pattern is playing out now, I feel hurt, and I justify this feeling as being real and then use it in order to make the other person guilty and to get what I want.

Obviously the big problem here is that I don’t control or direct this pattern at all, it just come up within me, and then the entire circus starts – thus I see that require to open up this feeling hurt and look at specifically what it consists out of – how come it is that I have such an easy time to get and feel hurt? How come I accept and allow things to get to me in such a way that I feel like I’ve been completely devastated and destroyed by another person – these are points that I must direct and not anymore accept and allow within and as myself.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a hurt experience be triggered when and as someone speaks to me in what I perceive to be a criticizing, harsh, complaining, and irritated tone, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I’ve been made to be inferior and less than the other person, and that I’ve now lost a part of myself, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret and define this voice and tonality in my mind as me being under attack – as me being exposed and placed to be shoot at in the middle of a field – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the voice, and the sound in itself is not what is causing this experience of feel hurt, devastated and sad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as this experience of feeling hurt, devastated and sad, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this experience is based on memories of my past, wherein I felt that my mother didn’t take me into account and treat me beneficially – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto such hurt-moments in my mind, and use them as ways to get back into that position within myself wherein I feel that I’ve been very much set aside, and that my life has not been taken into account as I’ve desired – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto hurt, sadness, and feeling unjustly treated in my mind, and continue to bring these memories up in my mind, and in my daily living, through reacting and living out this pattern of feeling hurt, and sad, and attacked – again, and again and again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately as this hurt and sadness experience arise from within me, go into blame and think that another is at fault for how I experience myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the simple fact, that obviously another is not at fault for my experience of myself, and obviously what I experience is a part of myself that I’ve not yet dealt with, and directed effectively, and thus it comes up within me because it requires attention, and direction, and it requires to be moved – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not as this experience of hurt and sadness comes up within me, to stabilize myself in my body, and to realize that thus experience is not about anyone else, and that no one has caused it, or created it within me but me – and that it’s here and have arisen within me in order for me to take responsibility for and direct the point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is that I am limiting and holding myself back in my mind through accepting and allowing myself to make this hurt experience personal, instead of realizing that it’s not personal, that it’s in-fact but energy arising within, in-fact but an experience coming up from within, and it has nothing to do with personally per se – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not as this experience comes up from within me chest region – to stabilize myself within and as my human physical body – and accept and allow myself to unconditionally let of the hurt and the sadness – realizing that it’s nothing personal – it’s nothing bad – it’s but energy arising in my chest and solar plexus area that I require and need to let go and release from within and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become hurt, feel devastated and atrociously handled, when and as another utilize a voice that is harsh, sharp, and what I perceive to be, criticizing, and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to immediately and without hesitation take such a voice personally, and define myself according to such a voice, and to think that I am reacting because of that voice, instead of seeing, realizing and understand that I am reacting because various experiences arise in my body, that have their origin in memories, and thus it’s nothing personal – it’s nothing about the other individual – it’s nothing that I require to make anything more than what it is – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not simply realize that I am dealing with a memory – and thus I require to be the directive principle in accepting and allowing myself to let go of and release this memory – and not anymore accept and allow myself and my life to be bound by and limited within and through this memory

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto a memory from my past of my mother telling me sharply how she was dissatisfied with me, and how she felt that she couldn’t trust me, because I wasn’t behaving very well with others, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto that memory, of in the moment when my mother told me this, feel hurt, devastated, and as if my mother didn’t understand me, and didn’t see the situation from my perspective, and didn’t see where I was coming from, but merely approached me, and what I’d done as being wrong, and as something that must immediately be punished and removed – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I am in holding unto seeing situations from within and as this memory, limiting myself from standing up, from living and from expressing myself, and directing myself in conflict situations without taking them personally, and without making them anything more or less than what they are being conflict situations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as my mother brought up and showed me the points she weren’t satisfied with, and did this in a angry, criticizing, harsh, and ferocious tone, to immediately take it personally, and feel that I’d done something terribly wrong, and as well on top of that feel, that my mother didn’t consider me as I would like to be considered, because I felt as if she left out some essential points in regards to what had happened, and that because of this I wasn’t considered, or treated in accordance to what was right and fair, but I was instead being brutalized on the basis of conjectures that I didn’t feel were right or correct; and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep, and hold unto this memory within me, and in particular the hurt, and sadness experience from within this memory – and think that this hurt and sadness experience that came up was real – and that it was correct of me to attempt and try to defend and protect myself through going into a state of victimization – and then trying to get at my mother that way – through making my mother feel inferior, sad and less than

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is that I can give myself the gift of releasing this hurt, and sadness, and feeling of being devastated, and that I don’t anymore require to blame another, to hold unto feeling, and experience myself inferior, and if something utterly distasteful and repellent have done unto me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept and allow myself to let go of blame, and to realize that this hurt is me, and that this hurt in itself is nothing bad, nothing wrong, nothing to be fought, nothing to be strangled and suppressed – in-fact this hurt is here in my life in order to be understood and directed and moved – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I’ve experienced myself as hurt in the past – in my childhood – because that was the only way I could deal with my life at that point – though now I have the tools to direct myself and stabilize myself – and instead of reacting – creating stable solutions for myself and my life – and developing common sense so that I can stand by and move through my life without being moved or reacting in emotional or feeling-based experiences

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it was nothing personal as my mother became angry and frustrated at me, and spoke to me in a tone of voice that I perceived to be harsh, and degrading, and making me to be inferior, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take this voice personally, and see it as a personal attack towards me, and as something that I’d to defend myself against, else it would swallow me, and devour me whole, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it was merely a voice tonality, merely a energy, and obviously something that my mother went into and experienced that had nothing to do with me per se, but was her own mind that played a trick on her, and because my mother didn’t have any effective tools to deal with these type of things, she went into the emotion and exerted it unto her environment, which at that stage in time happened to be me

Self-commitment statements

I commit myself to not take voice tonalities that I perceive to be harsh, criticizing, and attacking, personally, and I commit myself to breathe and stabilize myself HERE within and as my human physical body – within and as breath – within and as being HERE in the physical and not somewhere lost in my mind

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that taking it personally is a decision that I make – and thus I commit myself to support myself to not take these forms of tonalities with accompanying words personally – but realize that they are about the other person and not about me – they are not an attack towards me and thus not something that I require to defend or protect myself against – and thus I commit myself to take a breath and bring myself back to and as my human physical body – and stabilize myself HERE and continue to move myself – and continue to participate in my day and not make it anything more than a tonality

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that a hurt experience is nothing more or less but a hurt experience – it’s not something that I must protect and defend myself against – it’s not something that I must suppress – it’s in-fact merely energy coming up within me that is here for me to direct and move – and thus I commit myself to move and direct these energies through applying self-forgiveness, breathing and writing, and placing in its stead directive commitment statements for how I want to live from now on

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