Day 180: Becoming Something Or Being Something

One experience that tends to come up within me as I raise up in the mornings, is a sense of inadequacy, defeat and lack of success – this experience then triggers me to go into my mind and find some form of reason that would be suitable to justify and fit into this initial experience – and my thoughts will then go into looking at my life, looking at what I am doing with my time; am I achieving enough? Am I completing enough things? Does my life move, as I’d like it to move? Am I really doing as much as I want to do with my life?

The interesting thing about this, is the fact that I am already utilizing my time very effectively, I am literally busy almost from the moment that I wake up until the moment that I go to bed, and some days I give myself time for entertainment and relaxation, but it’s not something that I do excessively, or over the brim – practically speaking – I am satisfied with how I am moving myself throughout my day – there is a constancy, a drive, and a motion forward – and that is what I want; but STILL – this experience emerge within me.

This then begs the question, what the heck is it that is going on within me, where does this experience really come from?

One aspect that stands out in the experience is fear, there is a underlying and glooming fear that permeates these thoughts, and images that comes up in my mind, showing me how I am not “doing enough with my life” – thus: What is occurring and coming up within is really a fear of not being able to leave a mark – a fear of leaving this world in a state of being unknown, unrecognized, and undistinguished – a.k.a. a nobody.

One of the consequences I create for myself through going into this experience is that I will stress myself throughout my day, I will constantly, and continuously move myself to new points, save more time, become more productive, become more effective, more enhanced, precise, and specific, up the output even more – it can likened with how our industrial revolution have changed the manner in which manual labor is performed.

Because, before the machine, before the global crisis, there was a sense of enjoyment in labor, and the pace of labor was not that of upping the output, but rather moving the point, getting it done, and producing a satisfying result – here thus there was no greed as is the case today – where we constantly want more, get more, push more, develop more, get more out of it – back in the day such concepts had much less force than is the case today: A farmer would wake up – walk through his routine – handle the points that was required to be handled – care for his farm and his beasts – and then go to bed – the farmer was then neither famous or distinguished but that was irrelevant in a time and age where media and fame was unknown.

Thus, what I see, is that this tendency, and character that comes up within me – let’s call it the I-want-more-character – is really a outflow consequence of our modern day way of looking at and perceiving life – wherein we tend to see life as this momentum of time that is here for us to make an imprint and satisfy our urges – and unless we’re able to get our individuality through and make some form of mark – our lives have been lived in vain: And obviously – this is a completely ridiculous and futile way of living life – because where is it getting us? Nowhere! And what we miss is the present breath – miss standing here and smelling the roses – looking at what is here and that is offered with each breath – and each moment.

Thus, what I see that there is a clear correction for this point – and that is to practice valuing and appreciating what I have here in my life at this moment – valuing and appreciating the simple things in life – such as breathing – such as sharing a moment with another – such as drinking a coffee – and in this realize that while I am here in this life – I require to give myself direction and movement – and do something with myself; that direction might or might not cause me to become observable and seen by others – yet it can’t be a purpose in itself – it can’t be something that defines and marks me – because I must stand as that point for myself – and wake up each morning – stable – regardless of my position, my prominence or notoriety in this world.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my satisfaction with myself upon whether I am succeeding in the eyes of the world or not, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define success, to define notoriety, to define eminence and greatness in this world, as something to strive for, and as something that will enhance my life with substance, purpose, and meaning – and that only when I achieve these things will I be able to let my guard down – and come down to earth – and relax myself; and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with wanting to create a life for myself – from within and as the belief that it’s my life that defines who I am – that defines what I am – and that gives me value, substance and purpose – instead of seeing, realizing and understand that it’s ME that decides to give me purpose, value and meaning – and that it’s not something that I can wait for or expect to be given to me from the outside

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wake up in the morning and experience myself as being empty, barren and idle – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my living, life and movement is pointless, and lacks substance, and lacks life, and that it will remain as such until I am able to achieve a position of fame, and fortune, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have to burnt into my mind, that I must make something of myself, that I must leave a mark, that I must be significant, that I must become famous, and recognized, before I am able to let go, enjoy myself, and participate in this world in stability, in breath, and in hereness with and as my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive and believe that there is something wrong with leading a normal life, a life that is without extravagance, a life that is without purpose, or fame, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I wake up in the morning, to look at my life from a starting point of the pictures that occupies and makes up the visual aspect of my world, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss myself – to not see WHO I AM in my life and WHAT I LIVE – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this is what is important – what is important is who I am – is what I will accept and allow in each and every moment of breath – is what I will myself to stand and live as in this world – and what I will myself to walk – and the principle from within which I apply myself and move myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value myself, and define whether I am successful or not, whether I am moving myself or not, upon the basis of how my external world responds, and think and believe that I am moving myself, that I am being successful, that I am being distinguished, and that I have value, when my external environment rewards me, gives me attention, notices me, and gratify me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for another to make me whole and complete – and believe that this is what lacks in my life – that there must be some tumultuous and great event that occurs – and that makes my life meaningful

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I am really in a perfect position to walk my process in my current environment, that everything is set, everything is stable, everything is positioned effectively, and thus all I require to do is to walk – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this idea that there is something more required, some form of greatness, and superiority, and magnificent occurrence that must be realized, is completely ludicrous, and doesn’t belong in me – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and push myself to walk moment by moment – to push myself and will myself to value and appreciate myself – and what is here in my world – to realize that everything is already here and that thus – I don’t require anything more or better – or leaving a mark in someway – because such a point isn’t real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and make the decision to value myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in comparisons within me – wherein I will compare myself to certain individuals in my world – that I perceive are leading successful and notable lives – wherein they have earned prominence and are seen as illustrious – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that unless I reach and create a similar point for myself in my life – than my life will be without meaning and purpose – and will lack substance – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is me – myself – that gives my life substance, meaning, and worth – and how it is me that gives myself the opportunity and the freedom to create myself – and build myself – and that I don’t require my external environment to change – for me to change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not bring myself back here – and realize that HERE is life – that life is not out there in creating a idea world for myself – of me being noticed and distinguished – but rather life is HERE – life is the breath I breathe – life is the physical that surrounds me – life is the wind that brushes my cheek and the sunbeams that grazes my chins – and thus I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to recognize and embrace the fullness and completeness of life that is here in every moment for me to participate and partake within – that I am limiting myself from doing – when and as I am participating in my mind in someway or another

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am participating in my mind, and I am leaving this here-moment in order to be in a future, where I perceive that I will gain reputation, eminence, and within that purpose, and substance, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here to and as my human physical body – and I see, realize and understand that living, that moving, and that participating in this world is an opportunity for me to stand with life, and that I don’t have to create this glorious and magnificent life for myself, wherein my presence is known, respected and distinguished, but that I can live fulfillment and substance here as a decision that I make in every moment of breath – that I am here – I live – I move and I act – I stand and I participate and I don’t accept and allow myself to be limited by an idea of an future in my mind; thus I commit myself to live HERE and to value and appreciate the life that is here in every moment – to value and appreciate the life that is me here in every moment

I commit myself to value and appreciate the simplicity of life that surrounds me and that is here in every moment of breath – and I commit myself to wake up in the morning and appreciate the fullness of life that exists here and that I am able to partake within when and as I let go of the mind and the illusions of “being somebody” and “making something out of myself” – and thus I commit myself be HERE with and as my human physical body – and equalize myself within and as the exuberance of life as equality and oneness here

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