Throughout most of my life studying and education were merely obstacles and obnoxious events that cut short the time I’d available for leisure and pastime hobbies. I detested most of the subjects I had to grind my way through, and as I was entering my seventh or eighth year of education, I really began to feel tired and fed up with school.
When I was done with my twelfth school year and in that finished gymnasium, I sighed in relief and assumed that I would now be able to enter freedom and leave this tedious and frigid world of schooling behind me. Obviously, that wasn’t to be the case, of which I am grateful, though the reason that I later came to appreciate education didn’t have to do with education in itself, rather it was a change that I went through that made the difference – but I revisit this later.
So, let’s continue with the story, after I was done with my gymnasium, I proceeded to investigate the world through travelling, and visiting new and exotic places, learning new crafts, talking with people, and fulfilling my lust for adventure. It was in conjunction with this part of my life that I happened upon Desteni, and the message of self-forgiveness – and this would turn out to be crucial ingredient in how I managed to change my relationship to studies – but more of this later.
During these years of adventure, I must honestly say that my life lacked any and all direction, I was just out to get my fix – the experience of freedom – which was really not freedom in-fact, instead it was a polarity reaction towards the previous years of tristesse and boredom that I’d experienced in public education. So, as a form of rebellion against the establishment, I spent some years of my life in drifting and wandering around, pursuing various dreams and fantasies, hoping to hit the jackpot of that ultimate lifestyle; which at that moment in time was becoming a musician, and earning living on what I enjoyed doing.
This though came to change as I discovered and explored the world of self-forgiveness – because with self-forgiveness I was able to let go of my inflated dreams, and start considering reality – what could I do with my life that would actually work? Where and how could I realistically place myself in this world? Obviously, I could now see that the music business was a disaster, and that even those musicians that had made a name for themselves had great difficulties with surviving. Self-forgiveness thus cured me of my illusions and served to ground me back in this world, and this physical existence – and in this newfound stability I saw and realized that I had to give myself some direction, I’d to make a decision where I should go, and in what position I should place myself.
Though it was still difficult for me to clearly see what I could do with myself and at some point a friend of mine suggested that I should study Law – so this is what I decided to do. Now, as I shared in the beginning, school was not exactly a point of pleasure for me – and my first years of Law studies also to some extent came to be colored with my remembrances of dislike towards schooling and learning. But already at this early stage, there was a definitive shift in me – and this became clearer as I progressed in my studies – what was coming through in my studies, and in me learning the subjects, and their vocabularies was a joy, pleasure and pride – studying was becoming fun!
Though, let’s slow down for a moment and look at what really happened here, what was it that changed in me, that made studying go from boredom, and tristesse, to fun and enjoyment? The key to this change is to be found in self-forgiveness – and I will not go deeper into the mechanics of self-forgiveness in this blog – rather I will share the effects of self-forgiveness. Now, self-forgiveness is an amazing tool as it opens up the door to SELF – yes – it makes it possible for me, and anyone else, to get to know themselves – and here is the most fascinating part of self-forgiveness – in applying and using self-forgiveness – you will begin developing a direct and clear relationship to YOURSELF.
But, what does this mean? Developing a relationship to yourself?
To give you an example, math was according to the younger me a particularly distasteful subject, so full of numbers, rules, and regulations, strict, empty, and pointless – and the main thing circulating my mind as I had to sit with these books was: “Why should I even learn this?” – and this very question reveals the problem – there was no clear reason, no clear why, no clear direction – instead I would just go with what I did or didn’t feel, and with what my parents or teachers told me – math was just something I did because it should be done – there was no ME – no SELF present at all.
But now, what was it that began happening after I’d been working with self-forgiveness for a while? I will give you an example: Last summer I took a course in national economics, and to my initial dread, it happened to contain massive amounts of quite complicated math – and at the outset I had no idea what to do, or how to learn all of it – the material seemed to be overwhelming, and within me I still carried the idea that “math is boring” – though it all took a very interesting turn: As I progressed with the course, I started to notice that math was not just about math – the subject math was actually a method, and tool, that challenged me to develop certain skills on a beingness and self level – it challenged me to live and apply certain words. Because to do math effectively, I realized that I had to be precise, focused, specific and detailed – I could not miss a single digit, or miss a single rule – if I did, the end result would turn out wrong and the equation would fail. Within this I found my why, my motivation, and my reason to push myself to learn and walk the course to its end – my motivation became to excel and better myself – to develop myself; and math, instead of being a necessary evil for me to complete my university degree, became a pleasure in its own right – where I could put myself to the test and strengthen my ability to live with precision and detail.
Thus, something amazing happened, I actually developed a relationship to the subject that was direct, where my interaction with the subject was not anymore about an experience, or a goal separate from me, instead my movement with the subject was based upon myself – it was based upon me seeing how in walking the course effectively and specifically, I could actually gift myself with new expressions and abilities, and enhance myself in a way that would last for the reminder of my life – AND the reason that I could do this was because of self-forgiveness; because self-forgiveness enhance and strengthen that self-relationship – and in using it over a long period time – you will through self-forgiveness cement a strong foundational relationship with yourself that will spread out into and influence all other areas of your life– making your interaction and participation with life, responsibilities, commitments, work, friends, colleagues, children and family an expression instead of a chore – where your PRESENCE and AWARENESS come through and start seeing how to build, developed, enhance, and affect through yourself in the movement of your everyday life.
In the next blog – I am going to continue with how self-forgiveness assisted and supported me to learn to enjoy learning, studying and education – and how I within that came to develop a fondness for reading, writing, and the dry subject of law.