Today I was having a discussion with one of my colleagues – and I noticed that I went into anxiety – in this blog I will open up this point.
So, for context – I was having a discussion – it was a calm and quite intimate discussion – I could see that both my colleague and me were enjoying the moment. Then – as we continued a slight anxiety began rising from within – and this anxiety then continued to rise and become bigger – and in the moment I found it difficult to stop and direct the anxiety.
I am able to see that what triggered this particular pattern was the way I’ve interpreted my colleague – I see him as a intelligible and as a person with highly effective cognitive abilities – thus as I was discussing with him – this fear that started to creep up from within was whether he enjoyed our discussion, whether it was stimulating him, or whether he felt that I was being boring, and not sufficiently intelligent and witty to be of service to him.
Thus – what is fascinating to see here is the starting point of my interaction – which is to serve and to be liked – with the hope that if another likes me I will feel accepted and gain a sense of self-worth. The consequential outflow is that I will not allow myself to express and share the real me – because inside there will be this ubiquitous and underlying fear – permeating my body and acting as this disturbing force that thwarts me from being able to express and share myself in the moment.
What I must establish is thus – that when I choose to speak and interact with another – that I do it as myself – realizing that when I go into this conversation or interaction I will not gain self-worth – I am that already – and I enter into this conversation as self-worth and share that of myself with another – thus I give as I’d like to receive; where it’s not anymore about me getting from what another what I’ve not yet given to myself – but that I instead give to myself and contemporaneously give to another – as I express, live, and share the real WHO I AM.
Within this I must understand that it’s not about me entertaining another – satisfying another – pleasing another – being a good company – or sufficiently witty and intelligent to keep friends – rather I accept myself unconditionally – and I enter into a moment of socialization unconditionally – with all of myself fully present and aware – where there are no more pieces of myself that I require another to give to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach socialization, and interaction from within and as a starting point of wanting to be likable – and wanting to make friends and positive acquaintances – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not see, realize and understand how I am compromising myself – as well as the relationship with another – because I am not allowing myself be natural – and share who I am – and instead I am sharing a censured version of myself that I hope will receive positive attention – within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not rather make the decision within myself to approach others and relationships from a starting point of self-confidence and self-worth – where I share myself unconditionally and realize that I am already fulfilled and that I don’t need and require another to fulfill me for me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not immediately stop this sneaky and underlying thoughts of: “What will he/she think of me – when I share myself with them?” – “Do he/she enjoy me?” – “Am I being sufficiently entertaining and witty to continue to keep this other person in my company?” – and realize that when I accept and allow these thoughts to define me – and I participate within them – I am compromising myself – and my relationship with another – and I creating the moment to be less than it’s full potential – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not immediately correct myself – through taking a breath – and grounding myself into and as my human physical body – and then share and express myself from within and as the silence of my human physical body – as me being completely grounded and stable in and as the presence of me as a physical body expressing myself here
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach interaction – and socialization from within and as a starting point of wanting to make sure that I get positive attention from another – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this is a limiting starting point – and that I am able change this – to instead of me approaching from a starting point of what I can receive and get from another – to instead approach from a starting point of looking at what I am able to give – and share and express as myself that will be supportive and that will fulfill the potential that exist in the moment to create life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not worthy to interact and move myself from within and as that starting point – and intently believe that I am inferior and subservient – not realizing that it’s a decision that I make – and that I able to re-align this decision
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I accept and allow anxiety to be the starting point of my participation and interaction – I am limiting myself and the moment – and thus I commit myself to practically apply stopping these experiences and the underlying thoughts immediately as the arise – and immediately re-align myself into the correction of participating and interacting in the moment from a starting point of me being an equal and one participant – that I neither stand to loose or gain anything – but that I am here – sharing my natural and unconditional expression in the moment
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior and afraid of someone that is intellectual and have effective cognitive abilities – and believe that because someone is effective in their thinking and usage of the mind – that I am because of that inferior and limited from being stable – and expressing myself in the moment – clearly and with stability – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of sharing and expressing myself from within and as a starting point of equality – and seeing that regardless of intellect – where from the same dust – believe that I must enter into this and move myself from within inferiority – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make the decision within me in each moment of participation – that I am an equal – that I will not accept and allow myself go into and become subject to anxiety and inferiority – but that I will instead express – share and move myself naturally – within and as my natural self-expression – and not accept and allow myself to be moved by whether or whether I perceive that another likes me, or feels interest in me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself be worried and fearful that someone that I perceive to have an effective and highly functional intellect is going to see through me – and is going to make the assessment that I am not sufficiently smart, witty or intelligible to be his or hers friend – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need and require to friendship – and the recognition from another – that I am liked – that I am a positive and recognized part of their world – for me to love and accept myself – for me to share and express myself in the moment – unconditionally – naturally and within and as self-comfort and self-enjoyment
When and as I see that I enter into inferiority, subservience, and fear – as I am approaching, or talking with, or interacting with a person in my world that I perceive to be intelligent, and to have a highly effective cognitive ability – I immediately stop myself – I take a breath – and I bring myself back here – and I commit myself to correct myself and express myself from within and as equality and oneness – realizing that I am an equal to another – thus there is no need for me to impress – to be accepted – to be welcomed and embraced – and I commit myself to instead give that to myself – to breath myself back into and as my human physical body – to stabilize myself – and ground myself here – and express myself from within and as that groundedness and stability that the human physical body supplies
I commit myself to approach others and interact from within and as a starting point of being unconditional – and not accept and allow myself to be worried about whether or whether not I am liked – appreciated – or embraced – to instead place focus and attention ME and what I accept and allow within me – and make sure that I stop any fear and anxiety that emerge within me – that I immediately correct myself and move myself to interact and participate from within and as a starting point of being grounded – stable – and clear within me