Day 196: Center of Attention

When I’m in social situations, and I get into the center of the attention, I find myself often becoming anxious and tense.

When I’ve looked into this point in the past, I concluded that it must have something to do with me wanting give others a pleasurable time, and then I’ll feel pressured to look and behave in a happy and carefree manner. Though, I can see that there are more layers to this point – and one of the more prominent is this point of giving others the initiative and responsibility to value me.

It’s quite fascinating, because in these situations, my attention will go to the onlookers, to within that try and interpret how they are experiencing themselves, and I will in that make a value-judgment – where depending on how I perceive that the others experience themselves, I will change, and mold myself, and give myself a value, as either being successful, or not successful.

This way of dealing with situations consequently puts a lot of pressure on me, because there is this sense of fear of loosing control, and that in order to maintain my value, I must maintain the positive vibe within the onlookers. It’s all very limiting and obviously there are more effective ways to deal with these points – and the solutions seems apparent – to stop using others and my interpretation of their experience of me as the measurement of my value.

I presume, that in the bottom of this reaction lies a deep-rooted inferiority, because that is in a way what happens – I feel inferior towards giving myself my own value, worth and meaning – and instead wait for others to do this for me. Though, common sense is that I am a physical being – equal here with everyone else – and thus equally capable of giving and defining my own value and worth. This experience and idea of me as being inferior, and thus lacking the ability, and right to value myself – that is really not in anyway true – it’s a misconception.

Thus – in this blog I am going to work with self-forgiveness on inferiority, particularly inferiority in relation to me deciding my value and worth, and also the point of control, as trying to control how others perceive me in a moment where I am in the center of attention.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am in the center of attention, to go into a state of pressure, and anxiety, wherein I begin to experience a sense of being unsettled, because I am not sure as to how others are going to experience me, and whether I will be able to control the experience of others or not, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach a situation of me being in the center of attention, as me trying and wanting to control the experience of others, instead of me expressing myself unconditionally within and as breath here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am in the center of attention, to go into tension trying to control, and make sure that I have each beings experience under my wand, and that I am the controlling factor of the outcome in the moment, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of control, and instead trusting myself in the moment, and expressing myself from within and as a starting point that I am here, with and as my human physical body, and regardless of how others experience themselves, I stand, I move, and I trust myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use control in order to feel stable when I am in the center of attention, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that control is actually a very limited form of expression, because control is always based in some form of underlying fear, wherein there exists a fear of a particular outcome, and there is no self-trust to move the moment as it emerge, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in control as a form of self-distrust, instead of accepting and allowing myself to practice self-trust, and practice moving and expressing myself in a state of being relaxed, comfortable and effectively aligned with and as my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed and obsessed about wanting to have control over how others experience, define, judge and perceive me – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is that I am limiting myself, because obviously – when all my focus and attention goes towards how I perceive others perceive me – then there is no room left within me for me to actually express myself – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how there is no actual need for me to exist within and as this state of tension to be able to effectively direct myself in social situations – and that I can instead trust myself – and move myself in the moment – with the people – express and share myself effortlessly and without this point of anxiety and worry constantly pressing in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how control is actually an illusion – how it’s not in-fact possible for me to control all people in my life – that it’s not possible for me to control, direct and make sure that I’ve got an absolute overview and direction over the participants in my world – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that even though I go into this state of tension, and anxiety, I can’t control and have an absolute power and direct over how others perceive and experience me in a moment of physical participation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the solution is not to go into fear and anxiety, and try to control my life and my world – the solution is rather that I take a breath and bring myself back into and as my human physical body – and that I restate and reclaim myself as self-trust – that I trust myself to in the moment act, live and walk – and that I don’t require a constant pressure within me to be able to effectively handle the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as being inferior to others – and think that I am inferior and incapable of defining and deciding my own worth and value – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give this responsibility to others in my life and in my world – wherein I think that others are superior to me – and thus it’s up to them to place me in this world – and give me a position in this world – and define where and how I should move about and align myself in this world in order to be effective

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give the responsibility of me being stable, and directive in my world – and giving myself my own value and worth to someone else – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify this tendency and way of relating to myself through thinking that I am not the one to give me worth, value and meaning – that I am not strong enough, and that I’ve not gained the necessary life-experience to be able to with certainty place within me who I am – and my value

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give others the responsibility to define me and value me – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others by nature and birth have a higher value than me – and that they are supposed to give me my place and position in this world – because apparently I’m not good enough to do it for and as myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the ability and responsibility to define, value and place myself in this world – to make decisions for myself where I place myself – and not anymore accept and allow myself to give this responsibility to others

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I go into tension, angst, and feeling unsettled as I am in the center of attention, I immediately stop, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I am in this moment limiting myself and participating in control – and defining myself according to what I perceive others see in me – and thus I commit myself to let go of control and breath out – and relax my physical body – relax myself and trust myself – and realize that I don’t require another to define me – and give value to me – because I can simply stand by myself in this moment – in the stability that my human physical body provides and gives in each and every moment of breath – thus I commit myself to live self-trust – to place my attention in my chest area and release the tension I experience – and instead focus on the physical sensations of the moment

I commit myself to take responsibility to define and value myself – to give me purpose and direction – and thus I commit myself to see, realize and understand that this is my responsibility to gift to myself – and that I can’t expect and want anyone else to do it for me – thus I commit myself to stand as the point of equality within me – to realize that I ma not inferior or less than others – but that I am able and capable to stand equal with others and move myself within and as the purpose and direction that I’ve given tso myself

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