Day 202: Fatness and the Judgment Thereof

Yesterday I went to the bathhouse to swim after some weeks of Christmas holidays – and while undressing I was glancing at myself in a mirror close-by – and in the moment I thought to myself that I’d been gaining weight. Coupled with this thought was a slight fear reaction – and this fear was in relation to what others were going to think of me if I was to be fat. Primarily the fear was in relation to attracting negative attention from others.

I then went into thoughts and backchat of trying to find a ‘solution’ to this apparent problem, which was then to make sure that I inserted more days of exercising in my schedule – and in that began planning what type of exercise I would do, how much I would do it, and also imaging how that would change my body, and how I’d feel about such a transformation.

The initial judgment was specifically focused on the looks of my stomach, which I perceived to be slightly bulging outwards – according to me showing the signs of the initial stages of so called beer belly – and I can see that this thought wasn’t alone. There was also backchat about how of gaining a beer belly implies that you’re getting old, and that you’re about to loose that spark of youth and vitality that is considered desirable in today’s society – this was also coupled with fear.

Thus – what I am able to see is that this reaction towards my belly is in it’s very origin a fear that relates to loose stature and value in the system – losing specialness and significance – because when you’re perceived as beautiful and desirable that in itself functions as a key to achieve attention and gain respect in the system. What this goes to show is that I’m not valuing myself – but rather placing value to be an outcome of receiving attention from others – which is obviously very limiting.

I see that in order for me to live real self-acceptance and self-value this point must go – I can’t limit myself to only be comfortable expressing and sharing myself when I know that others perceive me as beautiful and youthful – that is simply not a sustainable solution. And obviously – I want to be able to stand in all positions, in all outflows, regardless of my body type, my age, my position, and where I’m at in the system – and be stable – silent – and value and regard myself for who I am and for what I live – not evaluate myself on the basis of such shallow characteristics as looks and age.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing my value, prestige and status in the system through not anymore being seen as physically attractive and desirable – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop this fear of gaining a beer belly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and judge being and becoming fat – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being fat – in fear that I am then going to be judged or attacked by others, and teased, and looked down upon, because I don’t have the adequate bodily picture and image that according to societies norms and morals is the correct bodily picture to attain

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I look myself in the mirror, and I see that I have a tiny belly sticking out, to immediately judge it, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not realize that I am judging this part of my body because I’ve been programmed and indoctrinated into looking at my body with judgmental eyes – and scouring the image of my body for mistakes and imperfections that I believe and find to be wrong – and that should be changed and aligned

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define having a belly, and being fat, as being a failure – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that being fat implies that you’re weak in character, that you’re undisciplined and that you don’t care about your physically body or physique – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let a shape and form of a body to determine my entire outlook upon another – and upon myself – instead of accepting and allowing myself to see the life beyond the image – to see the actual being that is beyond the picture of either being attractive or unattractive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value and worth how my body looks more than how I physically experience my human physical body – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not when I look at my body – also listen to my body – hear whether my body is in a effective condition – to listen to whether my body is adequately taken care of or if there are alignments that can be made – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and base the word health within the limited concept of how the body looks – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that health is in-fact a much more extensive and expansive word that covers not only looks – but also the very beingness and sense of physical experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I look at myself in the mirror, to critically analyze parts of myself and think that there is something wrong with them – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to critically analyze and take apart my breasts and the muscle tissues that supports them – in thinking that I should have a more extensive muscle tissue – that I should have more worked out and physically fit body that likens the body of athletes and professional dancers – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only consider the image – the only consider the immediate appearance – instead of looking myself and who I am behind the picture and image – to realize that I am not in-fact a professional athlete and I don’t have that particular inclination – neither am I a dancer and I don’t have that inclination either

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept and embrace the shape and form which my body takes – to not make the shape and form of my body the main issue – and the point from which I assess and make decisions – but rather accept and allow myself to amalgamate myself with the feel of my physical body – with the experience and sense of my physical body – so that I in that actually get to know myself physical and what it goes through – so that I then can support my human physical body effectively – and when I notice it’s required – do some exercising in order to strengthen parts of my physical – thus not doing it to look handsome – rather do it as a form of self-support and assistance for and as my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is any correct shape and form to the human physical body – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to superimpose my idea and ideals of what a correct physical shape is unto my human physical body – not seeing, realizing and understanding that obviously I can’t know what a correct physical shape is as I don’t even have the most basic awareness of how the detail of my physical body functions – how am I then able to assess and understand how the physical body should look like?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use advertisements of young males with protruding abdominal muscles – and a athletic – sturdy and muscular physique to become my understanding of how a human physical body should look like – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to impose fitness regimes and exercising habits unto my physical in order to subdue my body to a shape and form that I perceive to be the correct shape and form – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not ask myself – and my body – what form of exercise or food that would be supportive for it and not for my mental idea and definition of what it means to be attractive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my self-value on my self-image and on the amount of attention that I perceive myself to be getting from others – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that when I receive attention from someone in my world – a female – and she seemingly looks at me with eyes filled with awe and lust – to then believe that my value is cemented and that I’ve risen to a new level of self-respect – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this is in-fact not a example of self-value and self-respect – but rather energy games that I define myself according to and believe to be myself – not realizing that this energy will soon dissipate and then I’ll go look for another game to fulfill my need for energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my self-definition and self-image dependent upon energy – and upon how I perceive that other reacts towards my physique – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to groom and care for my body from the starting point of wanting to be accepted and valued by others – wanting to case some form of raucous and attention when I enter into a moment with others – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this is not real self-value – is not real self-love – and it’s not real self-respect – it’s in-fact but a form of energy addiction wherein I define essential parts of my character according to looks – instead of defining them according to who I am and by what principles I live and move by

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I go into judgmental thoughts of my physique, in particular my stomach, and I think that it protrudes in a distasteful and unpleasant manner – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this judgment doesn’t reflect an actual understanding of physicality – and what the human physical body should look like – rather it’s but a judgment – but an idea of how something should look – and not me seeing what would be best for my physical body – thus I commit myself to take a breath and bring myself back here – and accept my body – and do that through breathing and bringing myself back here to the feel and experience of my physical – to the feeling of my human physical body

I commit myself to practice self-respect and self-value through not accepting and allowing myself to define my value and my worth according to imagery – according to how I look and how I believe that others see me and look at me – and thus I commit myself to embrace and accept myself unconditionally and stand as self-worth regardless of my looks – and walk this point practically through not accepting and allowing judgments in relation to my physique to fester in me and build

When and as I see that I am going into a positive energy and experience – of feeling significant and distinguished – because I believe that some female have caught my eye and feels lust towards my body – I immediately stop myself – I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this is not real self-value or self-respect – this is but an energy – but a energy game that I am playing which will eventually run out and disappear into nothingness – and thus I commit myself to stand stable and grounded when interacting with the other sex – to base the foundation of my value and worth upon WHO I AM as a being – who I am in my daily living and what I accept and allow and what I will not accept and allow – instead of making looks that which I use to define me as a person

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s