Today I’ve spent my time at the library and I’d like to discuss a point that opened up in this environment.
So, in this place I meet many half-acquaintances – which are people that I’ve walked with in a course or two here at the university, but that I’ve not developed any closer relationship with. Now, what happens as I walk about in the library is that I will meet one of these people – and the moment this happens I will experience a slight but distinct surge of anxiety coming up in my solar plexus.
What I’ve found, as I’ve observed this point more closely, is that the fear is in relation to how I should behave with that particular person – should I say hi? Should I wave at them? There is as such an insecurity existing within me as to what type of relationship I have with the other persons, and a fear of misreading the relationship and then doing the so-called wrong thing. What is prominent here is thus the fear of how another is going to perceive me, what another is going to think of me, and how I’m going to be placed and defined in the life of another.
Thus, what is even more interesting is that certain individuals will trigger an even greater experience me, these will be the individuals that I in some way experience and see as being superior and more valuable than what I am. For example today, one of my former classmates appeared before me – and in that moment this grappling fear emerged, as I was paranoid about whether I should look up and say hello, or whether I should just continue to focus on what it was that I was doing – and obviously here – the main concern in that moment was what HE would think or experience towards me.
The problem here is as such not that I don’t interact with others sufficiently, say hello, or recognize another, the problem is the starting point – the WHY and HOW – because even though I might say hello to this individual, if it’s done from a starting point of fear it’s still not self-honest, there is still no actual expression coming through – and thus the first point to handle and walk through must be to stop the fears and stabilize myself – and also to make sure that I am stable regardless of how I perceive that another experience themselves – because that must not influence and effect my expression – I must stand as that point of direction that I decide who I am in every moment of breath regardless.
In standing in such a position – the point won’t anymore be whether I should or shouldn’t say hello to someone – it will instead be – WHO AM I HERE? What is my point of self-honesty in this moment of breath? Do I want to say hello to this person? Would it be best for all to recognize and engage in a relationship with this person? Would this moment be supportive for me as well as the other? In that changing the starting point from fear – to practical self-honest assessment in the moment – looking at what is practical and effective – and not upon what I “should do” on the basis of comparing contrasting fears and weighing which one of the actions I fearsthe least – because that is simply not common sense at all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as fear and anxiety when I meet people that I don’t know where I have them – in terms of reading them and seeing whether they consider me as a friend or not – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a pressure and a fear of acting ‘wrong’ around them – of behaving ‘badly’ around them – of not making the right decisions, saying the right things, and being generally likable around them
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as anxiety and fear of how others are going to perceive me and think of me if I say hello, or wave at them, and they don’t see me as a close relative inside their mind – and rather think that I am strange and erratic in my behavior – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be accepted by others and have my behavior be considered normal and sane – and that I am seen by others as being exactly as I should
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself with others and think that they are much more socially acceptable and representable in comparison to me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of myself as being inferior and less than others and that I must read them and have them give me signs of where I stand in relation to them – and what is an acceptable way of behaving and what is an unacceptable way of behaving – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach situations from within and as the context of fear
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach other people from within and as a starting point of self-diminishment – and seeing them as someone that is giving me something that I must have in order to continue my existence – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not approach social situations and people from a starting point of equality – in realizing that I have an equal worth and value and that regardless of how another perceive me – my value remains the same – stable here
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach social situations from within and as a starting point that there is something for me to loose – that I am able to loose my face and my position – that I am able to loose my value unless I interact with these other people as good as possible – and create the best impression of myself that I am able to give – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to what I believe that others see in me – and think that this is my only value – how others see me – what others think of me – and that I must protect and defend this value at all costs – and that it will be the absolutely greatest loss for me if I was to lose that point of support in others
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that if I approach others and social interactions from within and as a starting point of inferiority – then I will not be able to create a real and substantial relationship with the other person – and rather the relationship will be based upon – and limited within and as experiences of fear – and that I will shape and form myself in an attempt to satisfy and be likable to another – instead of letting my real and genuine expression as who I am come through – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let the real me come through and be the starting point of me initiating and creating relationships with others – that I stand stable here with myself – stable in breathe and physical movement – and that I approach others from this starting point of equality
When and as I see that I am going into a state of anxiety, and that I am approaching another from this fear of not being accepted, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this fear limits me and how I am and will determine the entire interaction – and that I won’t express myself genuinely when approaching others from a desire to be accepted and get something out of it – and thus I commit myself to practice approaching others from a starting point of equality – and practically physically apply this – through when making a decision to approach another – to stabilize myself here – find my point of silence – and then make a decision as to whether to approach another or not – and remain stable in that movement of myself walking up to another and speaking with them – standing in that point of me being an equal in value
When and as I see that I am going into fear when faced with people, in fearing that they are disliking me, or forming some judgment of me, because they don’t see and consider me as sufficiently, and enough likable – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that the main relationship for me to care for and nourish is that with myself – and that thus the point to really be aware of is to make sure that I don’t accept and allow any self-hatred within me – and fearing what others think of me and being possessed and controlled by that fear is self-hatred and makes it impossible to create any relationship; thus I commit myself to make sure that I am a friend and companion of myself – that I support and nourish myself and my relationship with myself – and thus that I don’t look for this in others – but that I give it to myself – and that I do this through stopping thoughts of believing that I require to venture out there in order to get myself back