Day 216: Melancholy

Today as I woke up there was this underlying experience of melancholy in my chest – and the definition of melancholy is:

“A feeling of pensive sadness, typically with no obvious cause.”

Now – this is interesting because it correlates well with my general state of being for the last week or so – there has been this underlying experience of feeling down, depressed and gloomy – and from what I’ve seen this experience seems to be connected with the prospect of aging and not feeling that life turned out the way I expected and desired that it would.

Then with the support of my course buddy the point of having a ‘mid life crisis’ opened up – and I could immediately see how what I’ve been going through is in-fact one of those crisis-experiences. Because the origin of the experience is how I feel that there isn’t enough to my life, there is not enough fun, not enough pleasure, not enough life, not enough happiness – and so on. This would then be the time where I’m supposed to go out and purchase the motorcycle or the fast car – to then ‘get over’ my mid life crisis.

Though – I am going to approach this differently – so what I’m going to work with in this blog is the expectations I’ve created on life and how my life should turn out – and then also re-define these expectations so that they are practical and effective – so that I can walk my life and in-fact drive myself to create expectations that are realistic and common sense.

Because it’s important to not completely reject these expectations of what life should be – though instead of going into a depression and a state of disappointment I must will myself to take responsibility for my expectations and then use them in this self-creation process that I am walking – where I making sure that I create and build my life and that I don’t wait for anyone else to do it for me.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create expectations of what life should be like – and how I should experience it – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that my life would automatically take me into a state of completion – fulfillment and happiness – where I would experience myself as blissful and content – and thus within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I’m within such a statement and idea limiting myself – waiting for life to happen to me instead of taking direction and deciding what I want to create and then creating it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create expectations of how life should be experienced – and then become disappointed when reality doesn’t match these expectations – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of melancholy – where I feel slightly depressed and saddened – reflecting back on my life and on my potential future – and in this thinking that it contains no hope or potential of creation – and that it’s just a waiting game until the day that I die

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive and believe that living is a waiting game – and that I should wait until my expectations are fulfilled – and in this think that life is to automatically change and move and direct itself to fulfill my hopes – expectations and wants – and within this I forgive myself to that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as a state of melancholy – and depression – where I perceive that life has let me down – and that it has not fulfilled my hopes for what my life should entail – and that I’m because of that apparently a victim to life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider and see myself as a victim of life – as someone that is constantly and continuously beaten down by this apparently bad and nefarious system – and that because of this I apparently have a right to be sad and melancholic – because I’m not getting what I want – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this idea and belief that life is just going to give me any- and everything that I want – that I won’t have to do anything – that I don’t have to push myself – that I don’t have to will myself – and that things will just go as I hope and wish for them to go

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how feeling melancholic, feeling depressed, sad and in a state of victimization is in-fact self-manipulation and also blame – wherein I’m blaming my world and reality for not being the way that I desire and want it to be – and not moving itself according to my wishes and demands – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that to really move myself – and my world – and my life – I require to make the decisions – I require to motivate myself and I require to actually take the steps to bring into creation that which I want to create – and not anymore wait for it to happen to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wake up in a state of melancholy and pensive sadness – where I feel that my life is somehow not working – it’s somehow wrong – it’s somehow not aligned with and living up to my expectations of what I want it to be like – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this statement I’m making is in-fact self-manipulation and self-sabotage – because the fact is that I’ve life here in-front of me facing me day by day – and thus what I have to do is to make the decision to walk and direct my life – and not anymore wait for life to direct itself – not anymore wait for the physical to move itself – but rather that I move – I direct – I will myself – and I birth life from the physical and I do not anymore wait for things to just happen to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the expectations I had as a child on what life should be like – is something that might be fulfilled – THOUGH – I must actually fulfill those points – I must take responsibility for those points – I must make sure that I move and direct myself to fulfill and create these points – I can’t just wait for them and expect that they are going to turn up magically in my life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the key to self-creation is recognizing the fact that unless I act – and unless I move – and unless I decide what to do and who to be – nothing will move – and then I can stay in this state of melancholy for the rest of my life – but it won’t change a thing

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see and notice that I am going into a melancholy, feeling that my life that didn’t turn out as I expected that it would, that it didn’t become as marvelous and mind boggling as I hoped that it would, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand these hopes and expectations that I’ve had for my life isn’t in-fact not real, from the perspective that I’ve simply remained in a hope and desire that they would just emerge and come into my life without me having to do any work or labor – and thus I commit myself to realize that in order to fulfill and create my life – I’ve to bring into my life the things that I want – I’ll have to create my life and I can’t just expect that things are to turn out the way I’ve hoped that they would – because that isn’t how life work – thus I commit myself to look at my life and see what potential creations that are here – what points that I’m able to push and create to make my life more fulfilling, enjoyable, and supportive

When and as I see that I go into a melancholy and depression as I wake up in the morning, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this melancholy is here because I’ve not yet made the decision to actively create myself and my life – and that thus this experience represents an opportunity for me to change this aspect and part of myself so that I’m in-fact able to create a life that I’m satisfied with – and thus I commit myself to when this experience come – to change it – through instead looking at my day – and what is before – and see what potentials there exist for me to create my life – and bring into existence points that I enjoy, or that I can be proud over having walked and create – thus recognizing the gifts in my life – and building on them – further enhancing them – and taking responsibility for the creation of my life

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