Day 225: A Slight Movement of Anxiety

Today I’m going to investigate a movement of anxiety that I’ve become aware of when I interact with people that I’ve already established somewhat of a relationship with.

So, for context, I was at the library studying, and then I saw one of my former classmates at the peripheral of my view – Immediately as I saw him there was a surge of anxiety that came up within me. In that moment I looked more closely at the anxiety to see where it was coming from, and I could see that it was triggered by a thought of him in someway become angry and rejecting me. So, the anxiety was about me fearing that something I would do, or not do, around this person, would cause him to feel as if I’d in some way treated him badly.

I could also see that there was a slight conflict within me that fueled this anxiety – on the one hand I feared making contact with him, and announcing my presence, and on the other hand I feared not making contact with him, fearing that if I didn’t – he would form an opinion of me as not being very sociable and nice. Thus, I was stuck in a loop within myself of two contradicting points – though the origin of the fear was the same in both cases – WHAT WILL HE THINK OF ME?

Why would I care so much about what another thinks of me?

The obvious answer to this is because what I perceive he thinks of me, means something to me, I accept and allow it to define me, and my value – that is the acceptance and allowance that exist within – that what this other person will conjure in their mind, and experience as a emotional or feeling reaction – that is the grading of me – that is my final judgment. This would indicate that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to give myself that position within me, that I DECIDE who I am, the I DECIDE my value – and that this is not determined by anyone else but myself. Because why should it? How come my interpretation of another’s reaction should be define who I am? What sort of validity does how I perceive another’s reaction have, that makes it an apparently factual assessment of me as a being in a moment?

The answer is – there is NO reason why it should define who I am. There is NO reason why I should fear what others think of me, because it’s really NOT relevant to WHO I AM – and thus – the correction I see that I must work with is living this self-trust, and self-worth – and practice this practically through breathing through these reaction – placing my attention in the tip of my toes and fingers – stabilizing myself HERE and standing as the statement that I AM HERE – and practice standing vulnerable, open and relaxed in my human physical body – allowing my chest area to protrude slightly – thus living the statement in the physical – that what someone else think can’t in-fact define me or have an impact on me – because it’s simply common sense that I make the decisions as to who I am and I decide to be comfortable with myself.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not dare to make a stand for and as myself when talking with, and facing human beings in my world – to practice standing within and as my human physical body and showing myself to this world – within the statement that THIS IS WHO I AM – and realizing that I decide and define my relationships with others – and that I decide and define my relationship with myself – and that whether another likes or dislikes me is not a point that is relevant to WHO I AM – when I decide that I will stand with myself unconditionally HERE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand within and as self-worth and stability when interacting with others in my life, to stand in the knowing that I will embrace, accept and hold myself regardless of what another thinks of me – that I do not accept and allow the reaction of another to define who I am – because I decide who I am – I decide how I experience myself – I decide what words to speak and what words to define me – my life and who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I’m limited with regards to my interactions with others, and that my value is limited and less than the value of another – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach others from within this starting point that I’m limited, and less than – and that I hold less value than another – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding how this is in-fact an assumption that I’ve made, an opinion that I’ve created of myself that isn’t real – because the reality of the situation is that I am here as a human-being in flesh – and that another is also a human being in the flesh – and that we’re thus on that level equal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I’ve something to loose in the interactions with another, that I’ve my stability, my self-worth, my self-respect to lose, that at any moment these aspects of myself might become attacked and nullified by the words, and behavior of and as a another – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a stance of defense, and holding back, believing that I am in this way protecting myself – not realizing that there is in-fact nothing to protect myself from – that I am merely protecting myself from my own fears and anxieties – and that what I’m experiencing isn’t really real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the fear that comes up within me when interacting with another, seeing someone that I’ve established a relationship with, that it isn’t real – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how the coping mechanisms I’ve established, as either moving in to socialize, or rejecting and not paying attention to the other person, are both equally flawed – because what is missing is my stability, my direction and self-trust in who I am – and living that value and recognition that I am a equal human being with equal value, equal worth and equal substance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when this fear arise within me, it indicates that there is a point of separation within me, where I’ve defined another as being a decisive element in the creation of who I am – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this is in-fact an idea, that it’s a lie to believe that someone can decide who I am, that someone has the power to define my existence, and my life, and my experience of myself – because in reality that power, direction and will lies within me – and it’s simply a aspect of myself that I’ve not yet been willing to embrace and fully stand within and live as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace myself as self-value – and practice living this point through when meeting someone that I’ve a relationship with, when walking past them, or discussing something with them, to stabilize myself here within and as my breathe, to breathe deeply and ground myself in my physical body – and then move myself to interact and live from this deep groundedness that exist within and as me – to place my self-trust in this deep stability that exist when I push myself through my emotions and feelings and place my attention unto that which is real – that which is physical – that which is verifiable and that I’m able to see and interact with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a fool out of myself in front of another, to fear that I’ll say or do something that is going to trigger contempt in another, wherein they see me as a useless piece of scenery in their life, that doesn’t hold any value or meaning – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my relationships, put up an act, where I try to make sure that I will not be seen as a fool, but that I will all the time be nice, and be good, and be comfortable, and easy going – so that everyone will think nicely of me – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this is not an effective way to live – that in being constantly nice and trying to make sure that nobody dislikes me – I’m in-fact compromising myself

Self-commitment statements

I commit myself to practice living stability in my relationships with others, to live self-value, and self-reliance in my relationships with others – where I will myself to ground myself in my physical body – to trust myself and speak, interact, and move myself from this deep groundedness within and as my human physical body

I commit myself to see and understand that being nice is not an effective way to go about creating my world, and that through being nice all the time I’m in-fact setting myself up for compromise, because I’m not considering myself, only what others might, or might not think about me – and thus I commit myself to instead of being nice – be stable – HERE within and as my physical – and practice expressing myself from this equality with others – that I am their equal and they are mine – and that we share this physical reality and world – and that neither of us is the superior one

When and as I see that I go into a anxiety as I interact with another, and I begin to change myself, and mold myself, to make a nice face, and a nice character, and be easy going, to make the other person like – I stop – I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understanding that in living out this nice-character, I’m in-fact limiting myself, and sabotaging my life, and my relationships, where I will do things I don’t want to do, move myself in a direction I don’t want to go, agree with things I don’t want to agree with, only to make sure that I keep face and my value up – and thus I commit myself to establish within me that deep groundedness – that deep knowing of myself – that I will stand by me as self-worth and value – and that this point is unconditional

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