I was visiting the library today in order to continue working with my thesis – and the point that I wish to write about today played out in the short instance of me walking through the doors of the library.
So, what happened as I walked through the doors, was that I could in the peripheral of my line of sight spot a women coming up from behind, she was quite far away, yet close enough for it to be practical that I hold the door for her. This was when a experience of anxiety arose within me, a conflict between two opposing forces, whereas on the one side was me not wanting to hold the door, and on the other side was me thinking that I should hold the door.
The one side within me not wanting to hold the door was fascinatingly motivated by anxiety – the anxiety of being considered overly pleasurable, and almost unnaturally amiable – and within that fearing that the woman was going to form an opinion or idea of me that I was a freakish and slightly insane human being. The other side within me, of wanting to hold the door, was equally motivated by anxiety, yet this anxiety was due to me fearing not being seen as amiable and friendly, and becoming the bull’s-eye of rage, and suppressed frustration.
Thus I was stuck between these two experiences, and as I did open and hold the door for this female, it was done only halfway, not really opening the door and holding it for her, yet not really closing the door and leaving her to open it herself – which nicely shows the inner conflict that I was experiencing in that moment.
Let’s now look at the deeper underlying points here, and as far as I see, the origin is self-worth issues – where I accept and allow my value and worth to be determined by what I perceive another is thinking about me – instead of me expressing myself unconditionally, and making the decision as to what I am going to give, share and how to act in a moment, not to elicit a particular response from another, but that I instead do it for and as myself.
As for a correction, I see that this is what I’m able to practice for myself – to when I decide to do something for another, to make sure that I do it for and as myself, because I see the common sense in the moment, because I recognize that this is something that I’d like another to do for myself as well – and NOT because of how I perceive and hope another is going to react to me doing that particular thing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get caught in a polarity of fears, where I on the one hand fear being seen as not amiable and friendly, and on the other hand fear living the words amiable, and friendly, because I fear that others are going to judge me as weak
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being unconditionally amiable, friendly, and considerate towards another, in fear that they are going to use this against me, and see me as a weak person – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define strength, power, and effectiveness within this world, to be that of not being amiable, but rather being stern, and brutal, and making sure that one get things the way one want them to be
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear unconditionally sharing the soft and gentle side of myself with others, where I do enjoy to assist and support others in the small practical details of living, such as holding the door for another, or helping another through assisting and supporting them with some practical physical responsibility – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as this dichotomy of fears, as the fear of being seen as weak, and also the fear of coming on to strong, and being disliked by others
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the problem that lies as a foundation, and a undercurrent within this particular design, is that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live, and express myself unconditionally, and to give to another as I’d like to receive without worrying, fearing, and thinking about how another is going to respond to my expression – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practice this point of supporting others in the small, living the word care, and consideration, unconditionally – not expecting anything in return – and not fearing what sort of response my expression will elicit in another
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto a ideal of the strong and self-reliable man, as this secretive, and stone-faced muscularly built alpha-male, that moves others out of his way, because he’s apparently so strong, important, and powerful in comparison with others, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this is in-fact a very limited view, and definition of what it means to be strong, and what it means to be powerful – that these words are not lived to their fullest unless I take others into consideration, because isn’t power and strength being able to consider someone else before myself? To give to another as I’d like to receive, and unconditionally in a moment, letting go of my self-interest to look at what would assist and support another, and then giving that point to them?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be caught within a dichotomy of wanting to portray myself as strong, self-reliable, and rugged man, while at the same time wanting to make sure that I am likable, amiable and friendly, and that others see me as a pleasant, nice, and comfortable person that they’d like to be with – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this is a problem I’ve created for myself – because I’ve missed the point of ME – SELF – as not trying to portray or reach anything but rather expressing myself here and being natural – simply being myself – and not trying to become anything other than that – realizing that I am complete here within and as my human physical body – as I move myself within and as breath – within and as human physical body – and that I thus don’t need to play the part of anything else or other but me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not when there is an opportunity to assist and support another in small practical detail in my physical world, to then go for it unconditionally, to give another that point, not because I want to be seen as amiable and friendly, not because I want to get anything from another, but rather because I do it, because it’s something that I’d like another to do for me if I where in their position – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practice living care and consideration for others practically – and realize that living these words is done within the small apparently insignificant moments of meeting and interacting with others
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that if I’m clear on why I do something, there is absolutely no reason to fear how another might, or mightn’t judge it, because I know who I am, I know where I’m coming from, I know where I’m going, and thus there is nothing to be afraid off – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live this certainty within and as myself – in for example the physical event of holding the door for another – to make a decision within myself and then live it – and knowing that I live and walk this decision as a unconditional assistance and support that I give to another and not for me to achieve any sense and experience of superiority, or being liked, seen as amiable or friendly
When and as I see that I am going into a state of inner conflict between being nice towards another, or playing it cold, and presenting myself as a stern and rugged man, I stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that neither of these presentations are real, that neither of these experiences are valid, because they’re based on me looking at being stimulated by another, instead of me expressing myself – and thus I commit myself to make a decision in the moment, to either assist and support another within giving myself as care or consideration, or making the assessment that such a point isn’t practical in the moment, and thus simply moving myself in stability, within and as my human physical body to continue in my set direction
I commit myself to practice giving as I’d like to receive, to change the point of me trying to present myself to be liked by another, to instead be a point of me genuinely caring for another, and considering another, and doing something for another, because it’s what I’d like to be done for myself if I was in their shoes
I commit myself to not fear being seen as weak when I give myself as care, and consideration, and within this I see, realize and understand that there is nothing weak about living care, and consideration, that it’s in-fact these kinds of expressions that have been lacking in the world, and that has caused us to end up in the place where we’re at in this moment – and thus I commit myself to break out of my man-mold – and dare myself, to foster the courage within myself, to care and consider another unconditionally and without wanting anything in return