Day 227: Fear of Losing Time

Since becoming 28 years of age I’ve started to have these thoughts, and fears come up with regards to aging, and ‘losing my life’ – ‘losing my opportunity’ – and these thoughts are often accompanied with nostalgic memories, and pictures of the past – things that I did and didn’t do – and what I could, or should have done.

What is interesting is that the consequence of me accepting and allowing these thoughts is that my outlook on the future becomes colored by fear – and due to this my plans for the future tend to be made within a sort of hastiness – a feeling of lack of time and that apparently there is so much I must get before I become old and die – and unless I do them my life will not have been lived to it’s fullest potential. This is thus the design existent within me with regards to time, aging and using my breaths here on earth – it’s currently aligned within the principle of what I WANT DO with MY LIFE to make sure that MY LIFE was cool, effective, and that as I die – I can look back and feel super-content with myself.

In walking through the design of this point, one quote by Bernard Poolman comes to mind:

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to understand that any change will go hand in hand with resistance as I have to push through the automated occupation of self that is obsessed with time till I have removed this fear driven obsession with time and what I believe is important due to the effective ways I have allowed myself to become a participant in the current system of the individual self obsessed with personal achievement.” (see blog HERE).

This quote effectively encapsulates the design I’ve opened up here – it’s the design of being obsessed with time because it’s the resource I require to live out my addiction with personal achievement – and the origin of addiction is actually the want to feel good about myself – and because in achieving things in my personal capacity – more knowledge – more experiences – more money – I feel good and my self-image is upgraded. Though obviously this is not a real self-image – it’s only a façade based on energy that will disappear the instant I die.

In a blog I read recently (check it out HERE ) the point of DEATH is expounded upon – and this perspective I found to be very assisting. In the blog the realization is shared of how futile self-interest really is, how living a life in the name of self-glorification never amounts to ANYTHING at all – and that regardless of how much knowledge we accumulate, regardless of how far we reach in our careers – DEATH will always have the last say.

Thus, this begs the question – what is REAL value, what is REAL worth, what is REAL opportunity, what does it mean to REALLY live? And how do we create our lives to be of actual consequence? And there is really just one answer to that question – giving ourselves a HIGHER PURPOSE – without a HIGHER GOAL within and through we walk our daily lives to give as we’d like to receive – from the starting point of genuinely wanting to make this world a more effective and harmonious place to live in – there is practically speaking no point in living.

It’s fascinating – that in order to LIVE LIFE we have to GIVE UP our own life and open our eyes to the bigger whole – and realize that our value in this world is measured by what we’ve given – not by what we’ve received.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with my own future, my own life, and my own personal achievements, and thus fear becoming old, and aging, in fear of losing time that I can use to further my interests, desires, hopes, and wants – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this fear is in-fact valid, and believe that this worry that comes within me with regards to losing time that I could use for purposes of feeling like an achiever, is real – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this purely ego – and that the entire design is based upon fear and being obsessed with using my time to further my self-interests

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that children do have something that adults lack, which is the ability to let go of the idea of achievement, and development, and rather embrace self here, and trust that self will walk what is required and necessary to be walked in the moment – and that there is really no lack of time, or grandiose project that must be completed within a certain time-space, in order for my life to apparently be successful

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that life is HERE within and as the physical, that it exists within and as every moment of breath, that it’s not something hidden, masked and hanging in front of me like a carrot on a stick – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend my time from within and as a starting point of fear – as the fear of losing my time – and losing my potential to build a particular careersfor myself, or a name for myself – to apparently within that become someone of importance, and significance in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the way I’ve approached goals, the future, my life, my daily living, has been within and as this slight undercurrent of fear, as the fear of losing my time, and spending my time on things that will not contribute to the enhancement, and creation of myself as someone that have achieved great success – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist and be stuck within this starting point of only caring for myself and my own success, my own hopes, and desires – and what I plan, and want to achieve in this life, that might make my future more bright than the future of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that real value, real worth, is the process of me giving as I’d like to receive – and that the effect of my life is not something that I should measure according to much I can create for myself, but rather how much I can create for life – which implies creating for the benefit of everyone – giving for the benefit of everyone – looking at what I can do and how I can move myself each and everyday that will have a lasting and positive effect on myself and others as well – and realizing that this is real value – what I leave behind in every moment that is of actual practical support for others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how death reveals the futility of self-interest, and how there is really no meaning in living only to create my own life, my own future, my own success – because eventually I will die – and then what I’ve created will not mean anything – because I didn’t give to this earth and this reality – I didn’t contribute practically and physically to actually place into this world points that will remain here after I’m gone and that will have a lasting and effective impact – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this is what is important – this is what creating real value actually means – establishing a functional solution for a world that is best for all and giving this to others as I’d like to receive

Self-commitment statements

I commit myself to realize that the value of my life and living is determined by what I give – and what I live that is of benefit to everyone and not only to myself – and that thus: This obsession with time, and creating my purpose and fulfilling myself – that it’s really futile – because at the end of the day – self-interest will simply not stand the test of time – and thus I commit myself to let go of this fear of not having personal achievement – to free myself from these shackles and accept and allow myself to give my life unconditionally to create – shaping – and building life in this physical world/reality

I commit myself to give myself to life – to give myself to others – to see, realize and understand that the key to a life in peace is in-fact caring for others for real – caring for this world for real – giving my life to creating life – being genuine in actually caring for and willing myself to manifest a solution because I care for life – and I care for humanity – and I want what is best for life because life is me

I commit myself to practice caring on a physical/practical basis – through genuinely asking myself what I can give to others – that will be of genuine support and assistance – and that will strengthen their lives and make them more complete and effective as beings – to thus change my starting point in life to instead give – and look at what I can do for this world – instead of looking at what this world can do for me

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