Day 234: Authority In Relationships

A couple of days ago I had an interesting event take place in my life, which effectively shows how I still have to practice living and bring into my life, the word authority. The context was the following: I had decided to meet up with a friend so that we could study together, and we had decided on a time when to meet. I left home in good time, and called my friend on the time that we had decided to meet, though, he did not pick up the phone. In this moment what started to come up within me was these fears/doubts/worries: “What is he thinking of me?” – “Have I done something wrong?” – “Is he going to reject me?” – “Does he not like me anymore, will he simply not show up today?”

Thus a fascinating array of reactions emerged within and my suspicion started to grow and feel more real, and I was almost convinced that my friend had indeed abandoned me. Though, after a while he called back, and we did meet up to study together. What is fascinating about this entire play-out is how I did give my authority to decide WHO I am, and HOW I am going to experience myself to my friend. I was not deciding my own experience, this was instead something created through my relationship with my friend, where self-acceptance, and self-love was something that I had placed outside of myself.

Handwriting-007As such, being concerned and fearful about being rejected by another does imply a lack of self-authority. Because what is self-authority? The sound of the word gives AUTHOR-OF-ME – which means that: I decide WHO I am – I decide what I will write/live as myself. One way of living self-authority is thus to not accept and allow situations like the one described above to have an influence on me, and to when I perceive that someone might be rejecting, or pushing me away, to realize that I can live self-authority, and in that make a decision of who I will be in the face of this event, and how I will experience myself – and within that also decide to not accept and allow myself to feel inferior to, less than, or paranoid that I will become or that I’ve been rejected by another.

Standing as the AUTHOR-OF-ME implies that I am IN this world, but not OF this world – it implies that I do not accept and allow the world to write my part and script – but rather I take responsibility and write my own screenplay, my own lines, my own script, and my own direction – and that I do this both on an inner and outer level. Hence I do not accept and allow myself to be a slave to circumstances, and neither do I accept and allow events to change my experience, my thinking, and my way of living – instead I will in such moments make the decision to be a living author, writing the book that is me and my life, in real time.

This is why writing on a consistent basis is so extremely important for anyone walking a process of self-change, because it’s through the written words we design and create our script. Without consistently revisiting our direction and movement through writing, it is easy to lose direction and forget our key role as the authors of ourselves.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility as the author of me, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become easily swayed, and changed in who I am, when things doesn’t go as I’ve planned in my exterior reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it’s my responsibility as an author of me to write a script, and screenplay for myself, to make sure that I’m directive and specific in all parts and areas of my life, and that I haven’t accepted and allowed anything to be up to chance, and to ‘simply happen’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become fraught with anxiety and nervousness when I believe someone have rejected me, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my authority over to another, and give them the responsibility of me deciding upon how I am to respond to a particular situation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my responsibility to respond over to another, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change, and go into fear, and nervousness, when I believe that I’ve been forgotten, or rejected by another, and go into this line of self-compromising thoughts, where I think about, and consider myself as being a lowly valued creature, and that thus it’s normal and expected that I should be rejected

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect to be rejected as I approach another human-being, and as I communicate with them a desire to meet, or interact – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto a fear of rejection – instead of taking responsibility over myself as being the author of me, and thus deciding who I am to be in the face of rejection – and realizing that rejection isn’t harmful, and does not define me – when I decide that rejection can’t and will not define me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that rejection is an unavoidable outflow consequence of making a decision to move myself out there, and to take initiatives, and move points, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that rejection doesn’t imply that there is something wrong with me, as there could be a myriad of reasons as to why another isn’t willing to be with me as I hoped they would, and that thus it’s nothing personally towards me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become paranoid and fearful towards becoming rejected, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid forming and creating new relationships, and to avoid putting myself out there, in fear of being rejected

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not author my script as to WHO I am in the face of rejection – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize and understand that in order to be able to create my life, to move myself out of my comfort-zones, and to build a future for myself that will be effective, and a reflection of WHO I AM on the inside, I require to dare myself to walk through this fear – and realize that this fear and anxiety doesn’t define who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my authority away to fear, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust fear, and paranoia, and these thoughts arising in my mind, as I believe that someone is not following through on their commitment and decision to meet with me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this fear can only exist within and as me, when and as I accept and allow myself to give the authority of myself over to another, and over to my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give the authority of myself over to my mind, and to believe that it’s my mind that must and should write my script, and my screenplay – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the mind is not going to write an effective script, and screenplay, because the mind is pre-programmed to siphon energy from the physical, and not to in-fact LIVE in the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that rejection doesn’t define me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I do not require to fear rejection, and being shunned – because it doesn’t reflect badly unto me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand within the words of and as self-acceptance and self-love – and from this point of complete trust in myself walking into this world – interacting – and creating my life – yet within this always remembering that I am in this world – yet not of this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when I perceive that I am being rejected, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if it’s a personal insult, something that happens to me due to my inferiority and lack of being successful – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, and have these self-compromising thoughts, that apparently, nobody cares about me, and nobody would like to interact, and create a relationship with me, because I’m so strange, so weird, and not normal and effective enough to be liked and have deep, substantial and meaningful relationships with others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto a feeling about myself, that I am an outsider, that I am different to others, and that because of this, I will most likely be rejected, and pushed away – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect this response from another, to expect that this is what is going to happen, and that there is nothing I can do to change, and align this outflow – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I am in-fact CREATING this outcome, through having this expectation within me, and thus not accepting and allowing myself to take on the point of being the author of me, and the author of my life

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am going into and as a state of inferiority, lack of self-acceptance, and self-love, where I rely unto others to give me a feeling of inclusion and comfort, I stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this feeling/experience I’ve created within me, or that I believe to be created by the situation that I am in, it doesn’t have to continue – because I can in this moment WRITE me – or RIGHT me – taking the responsibility of being the AUTHOR of ME and within that – DECIDING who I am – and taking authority; and thus I commit myself to live the word authority in my life – through in real time making corrective decisions about WHO I AM and HOW I AM when I face situations and events in my life where I notice that I am going into a emotional reaction

When and as I see that I am going into and as a paranoia, and fear that I might be rejected, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I am within all of this accept and allowing myself to have a event influence me – instead of me walking and living that point – that I am IN this world –yet not OF this world – and thus I commit myself to script myself – to SPEAK within me and live the words – as I face a similar situation of rejection – that: I am IN this world, yet not OF this world – and accordingly I will not accept and allow myself to change and be moved by an external event – rather – I move myself – I author myself – I direct myself – I live

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