Recently I walked through an experience where I had made a deal with person, that they would give me some money, and in turn I would give them a product. Though what happened was that I gave the product, and the recipient didn’t give the money – and this is what in law is called a breach of contract.
Anyhow, due to circumstances I realized that it wasn’t worth the effort to attempt and try to demand the money – and I tried to make peace with the fact that this deal simply didn’t work out. This would prove to be more difficult than I initially thought – consequently I had these deep, and overwhelming emotional experiences come up within me – a conglomeration of sadness, fear, anger, blame, disappointment, resentment – coming together in a experience that I had difficulty understanding and naming.
Several times I sat down and wrote, applied self-forgiveness, and looked at the event, and my emotional experiences – though I couldn’t let go of this experience that I had become the victim of a great injustice – hence I had thoughts, and backchats come up where I imagined taking revenge, coming up with something really effective to say, and to scare the other person into giving the money – it felt impossible to let it go and come to peace with what had happened.
Thus – here I am – and I will in this blog open up the more deeper dimensions of this point – because it’s clear to me that what have activated within me isn’t only about money – it goes further than that – it’s about my relationship with money, survival, and my ideas of morality and honesty.
Firstly, it’s interesting to note that I became disappointed at this other human being for deceiving me – and why is that? Well, it’s like becoming disappointed at a tree for growing leafs – meaning – the nature of the human being as it is currently exists does have a clear and predictable tendency to deceive in order to attain more resources. This pattern is not remarkable – it’s in-fact merely a outflow consequences of this world system – that tend to drive people into a state of survival – where they will act and live out self-interest to a great degree in order to survive. Here is where greed comes in as well – because to further our own survival – we tend to become greedy and within that strive to attain more, save more, get more, buy ‘2 for 1’ and ‘get one for free’ – in it’s very foundation – this type of wanting more is a form of fear of survival. This pattern is also predictable and understandable – most human beings live out greed in some way – myself included – because it’s interpreted as a way of attaining security and safety.
Thus – it’s interesting that I became disappointed, and felt deceived when this point occurred – while really – what happened was that a pattern played out – a systematic outflow consequence of how this world currently functions, and how people are at this moment, from childhood, conditioned into a state of survival where the only thing that matters is oneself – and in better cases – the immediate family. To me, becoming upset, and feeling disappointed if I would be robbed or swindled, indicates that I am not aligned with the actual nature and substance of this physical world as it currently exists – because robbing – deception – and greed – that is a part of this world at the moment – a systematic outflow consequence.
This then nicely transitions me into looking at my own relationship with money, which is obviously an important aspect of this reaction, and why it occurred within me so strongly. I can see that I’ve conditioned myself to be dependent upon money for me to feel safe – and that when someone takes money from me – this then apparently deprives me of my safety, my survival, and security – hence as a defense mechanism – I have created this strong emotional response to anything that might threaten my money supply and consequently my survival. This is as such why I’ve had such difficulties letting this reaction go – because letting this go is in-fact me letting of my obsession with self-survival/self-interest – letting go of this moment is me making the decision to not be defined by and through money – but instead seeing/understanding/living that money is a tool and not a part of myself.
If money had been a tool for me, a paper, something that didn’t influence me – would I have had any reaction towards missing out on some cash? No – because then it would’ve simply been a matter of practical considerations – realizing that – okay – I expected this money to be here – now it isn’t – so how can I then rearrange my plans, and my direction to be in alignment with this unforeseen event that emerged? Looking at money from that starting point – it’s simply PRACTICAL points – PRACTICAL considerations – no emotions, no feelings, not self-definitions – it’s money as a tool.
Thus, it’s fascinating to note that this reaction goes deeper than what I initially foresaw – while on the surface it might only look like a justified experience to a fucked up situation – in actuality it reveals some deeply seated patterns that goes again in most of the human population.
In my next blog I will continue opening up this point of money, deception, and greed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when someone deceives, where the consequence is that I lose out on having money – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a deep reaction of resentment, fear, and anger – where I want to take revenge, and do everything in my power to attain these monies that I perceive to be mine – and blame this other individual for apparently leading me behind the light – instead of realizing that what I am facing is manifested consequence – and is a systematic outflow pattern of this world system – and how human beings have been programmed into survival and greed
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take this money system and the way it changes people personally, and believe that it’s a personal attack against myself, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to defend myself in this world through taking things personally, through reacting in blame, in resentment, in fear, and disappointment – believing that this is going to secure me a position in this life where I can feel safe, and cared for
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame another for what I perceive, being greedy, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not bring this point back to myself – and ask myself how I live out greed in my own life – how it is that I will attempt and try to take more than what I need and want – only to feel secure, and safe – and to ensure the chances of my own survival – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this pattern is existent within me as well – and obviously this is partly why I am having such a overwhelming reaction
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and attack another within me for apparently deceiving me, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that deception is part of how this world exists at the moment, that deception is part of the human psyche, and that it’s nothing to blame, or react to – rather it’s something to understand, and then find methods as to how the point can be directed – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that being deceived is a systematic outflow of how this world currently operates and is thus nothing personal, or nothing to react towards
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear and anxiety when it comes to not getting money that I expected to get, and that I see myself as being a rightful owner of – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into, and react within and as this fear of survival – where I will then start to within me look for solutions as to how I can turn the tables, and further my interests – and make sure that I am able to win the particular battle I feel that I am in – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question this experience – to question whether this is in-fact a effective method of survival – where I will become possessed with and as energies – and move in energies – and not consider or work with what is actually, physically here in my direct environment
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that fear of survival is never an effective way of approaching this world – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give up this desire to own and attain money – and rightfully gain more of them – and see that all of this stems from within and as this fear experience – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not forgive, and let go of this fear of survival – and embrace self-trust here – and realize that there is another way to live that stands beyond self-interest and self-survival – where I do consider all and everything else that is here equally – and not only but myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger, and irritation, and blaming, when I imagine before me, the recipient of my product, feeling all smug, and good about himself, because of how he was able to trick me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, to within that want and desire to have revenge – to want and desire to wipe the smug smile off – and make myself the one that can feel smug, and smart, and ingenious – having been able to sidestep this other individual
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this point of being smug is something that I do myself as well – where I will define myself as being smart, and better than others, when I perceive that I’ve done, or said something that have really gone over the head of another, and where I feel that I have really been able to own the situation – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that fascinating point – that this other individual, and all that I am reacting to – is in-fact parts of myself that I’ve not yet recognized or accepted and allowed myself to forgive and work with – and thus I commit myself to look all this individual represents to me – and work with self-forgiveness – and realize that when there is no reactions within me towards this individual anymore – then I’ve in-fact seen and understood that these particular survival points exists within me as well
When and as I see that I am experiencing reactions within me towards this other person, such as resentment, blame, irritation, or when I see myself scheming to ‘get back’ and ‘win’ – I stop myself – I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that the reason why I am reacting to this individual so much is because he represents me, he shows me parts of myself that I’ve not yet recognized, or given attention to – and thus me facing this particular point in my life, is in-fact an opportunity for me to get to know these survival aspects and parts of myself that I’ve not yet worked with, or directed effectively – and thus I commit myself to look at this other individual as myself – and apply self-forgiveness as them – and thus within this walk the point of understanding – that we’re all in this world carrying the same basic programming – and we’re in essence no different from one another
When and as I see myself going into a reaction of resentment or anger, and then feeling as if I can’t get out of it, as if I don’t know what to apply self-forgiveness, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this only happens because there are more dimensions to the point that I haven’t opened up – and thus I require to look deeper, and I can ask myself questions to uncover more of the point – for example: Why is this bothering me so much? Am I living anything of this in my own life? Have I done something like this in my own life? Am I judging this behavior? And thus through questions – push myself to explore the deeper dimensions of and as this resentment reaction