In the recent interviews with Anu on Eqafe, the point of how much time we spend on the problems we face inside of ourselves, compared with the time we spend on establishing and living a solution within ourselves is discussed. You can download and listen to the interview HERE.
Today I faced a point within myself where this ratio of focusing on the problem, vis-à-vis focusing on the solutions, stood out clearly to me. Now, the point I was facing was in relation to time – and it is a reaction that I have been working with for some time now.
It played out as follows: I was sitting at home, and had planned to dedicate my day to studies. When I had studied for some hours my grandfather comes through the door and asks me whether I am able to follow with him to the ATM, and help him take out money. I realized that this point requires priority, and so I re-structured my plans, and decided to help him. Now, after I did that, I had a line of backchat repeat in my mind like a broken record: ‘I can’t get any peace to focus on my studies’ – and as I walked with my grandfather, and helped him, I experienced a resistance, an irritation, because I felt as if my time was being taken from me – and I wasn’t getting to that which I’d planned to do.
So, I was in this state of reaction when going with my grandfather to take out his money, which obviously wasn’t cool. And it was HERE that I see that could’ve immediately changed, and looked at what solutions there were available to me; what could I’ve applied in that moment to get out of the experience? And I can see it clearly before myself now – the solution would’ve been to talk with him, and genuinely share a moment with him, interact with him, and tend to my relationship with him.
Though, unfortunately I didn’t do that, and instead I remained within this state of feeling unjustly robbed of my ‘time’ – and the fascinating thing is that: I mostly, almost always, have more than enough time left to finish up my studies, even though I have helped, or spent time with others throughout my day. So, this stress that I experienced, that I might be losing out on my opportunity to effectively dedicate myself to my studies, it’s not real, it’s not a actual point of concern.
Thus, what happens is that I sabotage a moment of real interaction with another, because I believe that I am lacking time, not being HERE in TIME with another, but instead in my mind. And that is really the definition of wasting time, because then I am not being here with my physical, and the other person, when I am moving away from my plans to take care of a point that has opened up – and this is not effective at all.
So, in this blog I am going to focus my self-forgiveness, and my self-commitment statements on this particular issue of not being generous with my time, as well as the point of implementing, and focusing on the solutions in a moment, and not the problems.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed within and as the time-miser construct – where I will be fearful of giving anyone time, thinking that my time is precious, and that I can’t waste a single minute of my time, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this time-miser character mostly comes up when I am working, or when I have to do something in relation to my studies – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not in those moments, see that I have to push myself through my resistance, and fear of giving my time, because this fear that I experience, it doesn’t make any sense what-so-ever – and is in-fact only a illusion that I create and sustain through participating within and as stress energy
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in moments when someone comes and asks me for a favor, and I feel that I can’t give off my time, that I will somehow implode and loose myself, if I was to give of my time in that moment – that it’s then and there I have to push myself to look at the point in common sense – and self-honestly assess whether or whether not I do in-fact have the time required to be with another – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this not take into account that I have a tendency to stress myself and in that make calculations in relation to time faulty – where I will believe that I lack time – when in-fact I have plenty of time – it’s just that when I exist in this stressed out state I am not able to see that
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed within and as stress when I approach my studies, and generate this stress energy through thinking about how much I should accomplish in a certain amount of time, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I am within thinking about what I should do, and the pace in which I should do it, creating expectations on myself, that I then feel forced, and pressured into following, instead of accepting and allowing myself to approach the project of doing, and completing something, within being unconditional, and being relaxed within and as my human physical body – also within this seeing, realizing and understanding that I don’t have to run – and fight – and struggle my way through life – and that I can instead assist, and support myself to walk through life within enjoyment
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as stress when I assess my time, and how I should utilize my time to its utmost potential, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my relationship with others, and force my life forward, because I feel as if I am not moving according to the expectations I have created in my mind – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath – and move myself forward in the pace of breathing – in the pace of doing things HERE in the physical – and seeing, realizing and understand that I don’t need this experience of stress within me, in order to see what must be done, and then do it – and that I can enjoy life as I move through and deal with the various tasks that are before me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage my relationship with my grandfather through participating within and as stress, and through this, resulting in me feeling that I don’t have sufficient with time to give to another, and that I can’t be generous with my time, and that I must basically, protect my time from another, to make sure that I have as much time as is possible, so that I can ensure my survival – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move myself from within and as this starting point of fear of survival
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to protect my time, and be watchful that no one steals my time, or thwarts the plans that I have made for my day, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I am within approaching my life in this way creating unnecessary conflict within myself, because I don’t have to be overprotective with my time, most often I actually do have enough time to assist and support another, as well as getting the things done, that I see I require to get done during my day, and I see, realize and understand that instead of reacting within an emotion of fear, and anxiety, I can instead look at the point within common sense, and see whether I can fit this particular point into my day, or not, without compromising my responsibilities and commitments
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that most of the times, it actually assists and supports me to take a break from my set routine, and go and do something different, such as helping out another person that is in need, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in accepting and allowing myself to balance my day with different activities, and different points, I am actually becoming more effective, and specific within the activities that I have decided to take on and walk
When and as I see myself going into a reaction of anxiety, and stress, when someone asks me if I can do something for them, help them with something, and this points then messes with my schedule, and my plans, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that this way of approaching time doesn’t make any sense, because I am not actually looking at the point within myself, instead am I am reacting, and creating experiences from within this reaction, instead of clarifying within myself whether I can actually do what is asked of me or not – and thus I commit myself to take the suggestion within me, look at the practical timeline of my day within stability, and from that starting point make a decision as to whether I am able to commit to the point or not
When and as I see myself reacting in stress towards time, and I go into an experience of feeling uneasy, and I start making plans within my mind to save time, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this starting point of trying to save time from within and as a experience of stress, it doesn’t assist and support me to make practical, and grounded decisions in relation to stress, it only supports me to make hasty, and rushed decisions, where I try to escape an experience within me, and within that I miss what is actually here, and the practical considerations that I have take inside of me in order to make an effective decision in my life – thus I commit myself to slow down within myself, using my breath, stabilizing and grounding myself in my physical body, and then proceed to look at the practical aspects of the time during my day, and plan it according to the actual timeline and time movement of my day – not according to how I feel about the time I have at my disposal