When I have been in a quarrel with someone, and I accepted and allowed myself to go into a reaction, and in someway or another vest myself in the conflict, and take it personally, there is an interesting aftermath taking place within me. This aftermath will involve me having various imaginations about sabotaging myself, or my life – where the purpose of this is to make the apparently ‘bad’ (opposing agitator) person feel guilty, and as if he or she really cased me some irreparable damages.
I will take an example: Let’s say I am fighting with a colleague, and afterwards I have this bitterness come up within me, with a tinge of sadness, and self-victimization – and then the thoughts starts to run: Imagining myself crying when the colleague walks by, or imagining myself sitting on a chair, slumping and looking down as he or she pass by, hoping that my colleague will see how much of an impact their ‘bad’ behavior had on me, and that they will in turn feel really guilty and bad about themselves.
If we look at the principle behind this method of taking revenge it is the same as that of suicide. Because what is suicide? It is the ultimate statement of saying to someone that: You are to blame for how I experience myself – now deal with how you ruined my life! And what the one taking his life wants to achieve with this is to really fuck with the other person – and make them regret themselves for the rest of their lives. Hence, it is a method of competition – when you feel have lost the argument – the victimization-personality, where you sabotage yourself to get attention, is the last technique left to defeat your opposition. And I suggest that you read THIS BLOG for more context on suicide.
Looking at the practical mathematics behind this pattern it doesn’t make any sense at all. First of all, we only ever punish ourselves, really, because who will have to stand through, and experience the consequences of our so-called revenge? We do. And will this revenge of ours actually lead to anything of benefit for us, or the other? No, it won’t – it will only serve to fuck up our life and then probably the life of the other as well. Hence it is a completely useless way of approaching conflicts.
What I see as being a solution is to instead of wanting to get back, and take revenge on another for a conflict, or moment that according to our perspective didn’t go very well, is to UNDERSTAND how the conflict was created – and here – most importantly – how WE (ME) contributed in creating the conflict. Because isn’t that what we are trying to avoid with our victimization spectacle? It is all about aversion, and making us innocent and the other person a monster – but the TRUTH is that it always takes two to tango.
So, what is the solution? To embrace our role as co-creators and realize that when we end up in a conflict, when get the lemons of life, most likely, we had something to do with it, and most likely, there is something we can change about ourselves, so that we become more effective in our daily application, and do not create this particular type of event for ourselves again. Hence – the solution is – SELF-RESPONSIBILITY – that is the way to real self-empowerment and actually deciding upon a direction that will have an impact and make a difference in this world – a direction that is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that fighting, struggling, and trying to get out on top is a valid way of proceeding in a conflict, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the conflict, and think that it forces me to push out, and be heard, and noticed, and that I am forced to utilize emotional tactics to get the other person down on the ground so that I can feel that I won the conflict
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize the self-sabotage-tactic to gain interest from my opponent, and try to make them feel guilty, and hence, going the back route in trying to establish myself as a winner – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this is not a solution – how it doesn’t help me to feel like I am winner, when what I am fact doing is that I am sabotaging my life, and myself, and then on top of that, keeping the conflict going, not finding a middle ground, and way to resolve the conflict in a way that is best for all
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize self-sabotage tactics in trying to get my opponent to bend to my will, and go into a state of feeling like a loser, and hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with winning, to become obsessed with wanting to be the best, and come out on top, instead of placing my focus on understanding how the conflict came about, so that I can learn from it till next time, and so that I don’t have continue to exist in a state of conflict, and create more conflicts in the future, but so that I can instead create a common ground, a win, win situation that is best for all, and where it’s not about small petty things, such as who won, and who didn’t win, and who should win, and who did what, and who didn’t do what
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame another for creating the conflict, and then using this blame as an excuse for me to go into self-sabotage-mode, where I through using self-sabotage try to come out as a winner in the conflict – instead of understanding how the conflict was created, and within this also understanding, and practicing how I can learn to direct the conflict more effectively if I stand in a similar situation in the future – thus pushing, and commit myself to take full responsibility
When and as I see myself going into blame, and self-sabotage mode after a conflict, or already when I am in a conflict, I stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that when I go into these experiences, and these moods, I won’t be able to create anything of value or worth for myself – all that will come out of me going into these experiences is that I am going to feel sad, try to get back at another, and then repeat the entire thing because I won’t have learned anything; and thus I commit myself to instead use this moment to reflect on the best way to direct the conflict – to look at HOW I created the conflict and what I can change about myself to prevent such a moment form occurring in the future
When and as I see myself going into blame, and self-victimization, because of a conflict, thinking that another made me feel bad, and sad, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this experience, that my experience in all of this, it will not assist and support me to actually do something with myself, and make the best of the situation, and come out, learning something; thus I commit myself to STOP – and to bring myself back HERE – and to come out of my closet and push myself to LEARN – to UNDERSTAND – to be humble and NOT take the conflict personally – because I realize that when I do – I don’t see what is common sense in clarity