Day 270: Social Anxiety and Misunderstandings

Today at work I faced an interesting situation. A couple of my colleagues and I were talking about an upcoming event at the office. They were in a light and playful mood, and started to joke with me. I found it interesting that in this moment, I did not experience this light and playful mood as something enjoyable, and inviting – my reaction was instead that of fear/anxiety/insecurity.

The reaction was quite strong, and the physical sensation was the of my body tensing up, especially in my calves. And as the reaction came up within me, yet another fear arose from within, the fear of: What if my colleagues are seeing what I am experiencing? What if they will not see me as one of those easy going, flowing, and comfortable-to-be-around people?

Thus what happened was that a initial reaction of insecurity, got coupled with a reaction of fear, and this then snowballed, and I found it difficult to settle down, breath, and relax my human physical, which I do know is an effective solution, especially when emotional reactions come up. Instead of breathing, and settling down, I tried to be more ‘up-beat’ and ‘get more into’ the joking and playful mood, however, this simply did not work but instead exacerbated the reaction. This shows that what I resist, will persist, it is not possible to counter a experience with its opposite, as that will only cause more friction – hence – a effective solution is to slow down and move back into my human physical body – understanding that it is nothing ‘out there’ that is required to be corrected – instead it is my relationship with and as myself that must be corrected.

Hence, what I see that I am doing many times, and that causes me to miss a moment, is that I place my focus on how others are reacting/perceive/experience me. Though, when an reaction emerge within me, the focus must be who I am within and as myself – and that must be that point that is forgiven – the reaction coming up from within.

Another point that I see is the point of fitting in, the desire to fit in and be considered as one in the group – that is a fear that comes up when I have a reaction/experience towards another – because if another notice what I am going through – will they then consider/see me as being one in the group?

Hence the play-out today I see as being a mix of several programs – though the core point is the Fear of What Others Might Think Of ME, or Do, or Say to Me – that is the underlying experiences that fuels these reactions – and the self-interest that I am holding unto that currently cause me to have difficulty to move through this experience.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others might think of me, say, or do to me, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interact with others in a state of apprehension/holding back – where I am in a state of interpretation, and caution, trying to be aware of how another interprets me so that I can change myself to fit their personal mind settings – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change myself around others to fit in – instead of accepting and allowing myself to be myself – to express myself naturally and comfortable – and not accept and allow myself to change myself to be liked by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others have to say about me, and fear that others are talking behind my back, and saying that I am strange, different, and an outcast – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fuel this view of myself that I am strange – that I am not the same as others – and that I require/must fit in – change myself – and be like a chameleon – in order to not cause a raucous and make others notice me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable when speaking/sharing myself with my colleagues at work – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in this slight state of tension – where I feel like I am on my toes constantly – trying to read another and how they are expressing themselves – so that I can immediately change to accommodate that change and make the situation positive/comfortable for another – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being myself – to fear living/standing within and as stability when I am with others – and hence not accept and allow myself to give into my mind and start to interact with others from within and as fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to change/rearrange myself to fit the minds of others – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a state of constant anxiety – preparation – where I try to be prepared for another and the attack that they might make on me – and that I must be there to make the save as fast as possible and then put something back that is hopefully seen/considered within a state of positivity as being something good – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my natural playful and enjoyable expression through giving into fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand – that fear is really one of the main creators of separation – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand – that fear indicates self-interest – and the self-interest in my case would be to avoid conflict/friction – where I want everyone to like me so that I do not have to experience myself embarrassed and disliked by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is a point of self-interest to want and desire to be liked by everyone – to be positively considered by everyone – to have a ‘good’ relationship with everyone – and with ‘good’ meaning – that everyone knows me, likes me, and considers me to be fun and popular

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto a female saying something about me that was meant as a critique, and me taking that personally, and becoming sad, and judging myself for showing this sadness to others, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a fear of such an event repeating – and me again having to experience myself as being sad, and personally attacked – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a state of fear towards being personally attacked and having others define me as a weak and inferior person that they can use as a target for their attacks

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be desperate to be liked, desperate to have others see/experience me in a positive/comfortable light, where they see me as being one of their friends/comrades – that they like/enjoy to be with – and that they want to have a lot to do with – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this self-interest within me is enticing fear/anxiety – and that I am creating separation through holding unto this desire because I am not accepting and allowing myself to be genuine – self-honest and real in my participation with others

Self-commitment statements

When and as I am communicating/speaking/interacting with others, and I notice myself beginning to tense up, and experience a fear, anxiety, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I make the focus of that moment to be me relaxing, me breathing, and me sharing myself from my oneness connection and being self-honest, and genuine in my expression, and thus not try and attempt to be more than myself, or less – but simply be genuine and real in the moment

I commit myself to practice self-honest and genuine participation with others – where I place my attention on my physical body and expression – and make it a point to share myself from within and as my oneness connection – and be real with others – and here I see that I cannot be real with others unless I am grounded – physical and here

When and as I see myself tense up, and change, because I perceive that another is reacting towards, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this reaction within me cannot be solved by me trying to be like I believe that another wants me to be – but must be solved by me letting go of this angst – and allowing myself to be real – realizing that REAL is something that I am only able to live/express/stand as – when I breathe effectively and ground myself in my physical – and stop these experiences/thoughts that come up from within

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