Day 277: Performance Paranoia

Today’s blog will be about performance paranoia. Now, what is then performance paranoia?

Well, performance paranoia is that voice that can come up in your mind, that movement of fear in your chest, that slight perspiration forming on your forehead, and that increase of your heart rate, that happens when – you in some way or another have to perform.

In my life at the moment, performance paranoia has come through strongly when it comes to work, and wanting to show my bosses and co-workers that I can do the job effectively, precisely, and without making mistakes. Thus, I have wished to perform before my colleagues, and this have caused performance paranoia, because the moment there is something I want to achieve from/through another, what happens? Fear is created.

So, if we look at the polarity construct of performance paranoia, it consists of, on the one hand the desire to be liked/accepted/validated, and on the other hand, the fear of reprimands/being disliked or pushed away. There is thus always a conflict going on when an action is motivated from within and as performance paranoia – the conflict between the desire to be liked and the fear of not being liked. That is obviously not a very cool way to live, and fascinatingly enough, such a mind pattern actually decreases and diminishes one’s capacity to perform. Because where is our attention? Not on what we are doing HERE – rather it is on what we should NOT do, and what we SHOULD do, and how others might, or might not potentially react to our actions.

What is the missing puzzle piece here? Why does performance paranoia exist to begin within? If we look at what is the underlying desire within performance paranoia, which is to be accepted/liked/valued/included, we can conclude that the root cause of this polarity construct is that self has not yet lived self-acceptance and self-love – and here I mean an unconditional self-acceptance, and a unconditional self-love. And further, self as not yet developed an ownership in relation to work and careerseeing, realizing and understanding that work and career are actually parts of self and not something that is to be achieved and created ‘out there’.

Thus, solution: Develop self-worth, self-value, self-acceptance, and self-love, particularly in relation to the work environment.

And now for the more difficult question, how is this practically done?

Well, one point that I see immediately is to stop harassing and judging myself when I make mistakes. Mistakes must be embraced and seen as a natural part of self-development – a natural part of any process of learning. Hence, even though another might become irritated and judgmental because I have made a mistake, I cannot accept and allow myself to be like that with myself. Regardless, I must stand within acceptance and self-love, and embrace the mistake. Though, that does not mean that I should simply accept myself as bad at something, no, it simply means that the self-development and improvement, where I push myself to excel, that movement must be birthed from within and as a sense of genuine joy, creativity, exploration, and desire to improve on myself – not from within and as a starting point of lack.

Another solution would be to give myself ownership of my work, to instead of ‘doing it for them’ – start doing it for me. And within this start pushing myself to really excel, be precise, specific, and detailed in all aspects of work, for myself, that is something that I do to challenge myself, and to become more effective at what I am doing – and within this make the starting point in this creation process that genuine joy that exists within challenging myself and expanding myself in skills and abilities.

The rewards of this would naturally be that work becomes something real, something I do for me, a place where I go and where I develop, expand, and push myself for myself, and not to be liked, or appreciated by another. And where work is not a place where I fear to be judged, because I have stopped self-judgment, and hence, work instead becomes a playground of exploration, where I have the opportunity to push and develop certain skills and abilities, and refine myself, and my capabilities in my chosen field even more.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I have to change my relationship to work, that I cannot expect my bosses or colleagues to make my work rewarding, enjoyable, fascinating, and developing, I must create and build that myself – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in order to do that – I must claim ownership of my work, and my career, to within this see that my work, and my career is a part of me, and thus something I have to develop and create within me, and something that will reflect my relationship with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my relationship with work is my responsibility, and that I cannot give that over to anyone else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in order to live fulfillment in my life, I must fulfill myself, and this is something that I do through a process of self-creation, where I actively, in all parts of my life, create myself, see how I can develop and expand myself, see how I can push my skills and abilities even further, see how I can become more effective, more stable, more directive, and learn more, and thus constantly push myself to expand – and I see, realize and understand, that this is the joy of living, working, and walking a career path, that there is constantly room for expansion and improvement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I actually enjoy my work – a lot – yet – when I accept and allow myself to become influenced by others, and their negative experiences to work, this causes me to lose sight of myself, and my own relationship with work, where I actually enjoy getting into specifics, details, reading, and pushing myself to develop myself intellectually – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that in order to really enjoy work, I require to open the flood gates of self-expression, and vest myself in my career, and my work, to get into it, and not hold back, to accept and embrace it as a part of me, and a part of my life, and thus something that it is my responsibility to create

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this is a truth that goes in all aspects of my life, that it is up to me to create them, it is up to me to define them, it is up to me to find that within them which I can use to support, enhance and create myself – nothing will just happen – nothing will just come and find me one day – no – I must be the creator and create that which I want in my life – be the directive principle – be the movement – the initiator – the shaper of my own life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to except things to change, to expect things to happen, to expect things to become better, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it will not – I will have to make that change – I will have to make that improvement – I will have to create that change – it will not come by itself – it will not magically appear – either I create it – or it will not be here

Self-commitment statements

I commit myself to make work my own, to take ownership, and to each day push myself to expand, to learn, to develop my skills, to enhance my abilities, and proceed forward in my development – and in this I see that I am myself responsible for my self-creation – and thus I commit myself to embrace that responsibility and make work my playground of self-creation – where I can expand and develop skills so that I become a better human being

I commit myself to take ownership of my process of self-creation, and see that there is a opportunity of for self-creation in all parts and aspects of my life, and that is up to me to find that point of self-creation – it is up to me to define that point of self-creation – and it is up to me to make it happen – and thus I commit myself to write a list of all points that I want to push and create in my life – and thus push my process of self-expansion and self-development – and understand that when things do not move forward – it is because I do not move forward

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