Day 281: The Hell of Helping

helpLast week I had one of those days at work where things just pile up. Without any warning I had to take on a lot of work that was redirected from other parts of the organization due to certain events. In my mind, this constituted a moment of ‘helping’ that other part of my organization – and because of that some interesting things opened up within me with regards to the word ‘helping’.

Basically, what happened was that I became irritated and resentful because I had to take on these new and unforeseen responsibilities. And it was fascinating, because from a logical perspective, I could see that it made perfect sense that I handled this work, because if I didn’t do it, well, then it would end up with someone else. Further, it is part of my job description to support the organization in its daily operations – I am not supposed to be like an island that only makes sure that my things gets done and that I do not care anything about others.

I could see all of this, yet regardless, what grew within me was irritation and resentment, thoughts like: “Why do I have to do this?” – “Why did it have to be me?” – “I had so many different things planned for today, why me?” – and this battle began within me between reason on the one hand, and pure emotion on the other. My physical experience in this time was that of discomfort, and I could feel that my awareness was oscillating back and forth between being stable in the physical, and lost on a wave of emotion. I experienced myself as two people, and I knew I wanted to in that moment live what my reason was telling me, though due to the emotional experience, I could not give myself to actually making it my priority to contribute to the organization where I work.

Some days later I opened up the word help together with my partner, and this is where I started to see where this two-parted experience comes from, and especially why I have such an emotional relationship to things that concerns helping. When I grew up, my parents used to word help a lot. Though mostly, my parents were not really asking for help, sometimes their starting point would be for me to ‘learn what it means to have responsibilities’ or ‘it must be fair between you and your siblings’ or that ‘you should help because, well, you just should’ – hence as I saw it back then, they were not putting forth a real question of asking for help. This led me to start distrusting people that claim they want to have help. Because what I see when this word is mentioned, is someone that wants to deceive me, and get me to do things for them, because they have some self-interest that they want to be realized.

Obviously, that should not matter, because if I am helping another from a starting point of being conditional, then this is going to lead to consequences anyway – as I will feel that they must do something in return for me to make it fair. And this brings me into another aspect of why I tend to get angry when people ask me to help them, it is because I feel that it is not fair AND I feel that they are taking time away from me – coming into my life and creating a raucous – when I before had everything so nicely planned and sketched out. Thus, ripping me out of the schedule that I had in my mind.

Helping for me has thus been defined as a Hell-Point – something that I would like to avoid. I can agree to help, when I set the terms, the times, the when and the how, however when someone comes to me and asks for help, in a way that I feel is disruptive for the way I have planned my day, then, I feel like HELL – why me?

Because of my issues with helping (and also asking for help, though that is a slightly different variation of this point) I sat down and redefined the word – and this is what I came up with:

HELP
‘Assisting and supporting someone by giving one’s services or resources’

If we break this definition down, it firstly consists of assisting and supporting, which means that helping is an act of co-building and co-creation – it is an act of me stepping in to move with another in achieving a particular outcome. After that comes the word giving, which means that helping is an act of me sharing myself with another, an act of generosity – an act of me seeing that if I was in the position of the person that requires help, I would like to be given this service or resource as it would benefit me.

Thus, in my redefinition of helping I have made it clear that helping is an act of giving and co-creation – and the primary principle behind it all is that of giving as I would like to receive – and seeing the needs/requirements of another and acting to support another to fulfill those. Not because I am going to get anything in return, but because I care for another and wish the best life possible unto another.

In the following I am going to apply self-forgiveness and define my self-corrections as to my current relationship with the word help.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect emotions of anger, irritation and frustration towards helping – and immediately as I am asked to help – become irritated, frustrated, and feel pulled away from what I am doing, my life, and ‘important things’ instead of seeing, realizing and understand that this ‘important thin, is really existing as my own needs/desires and is not all the time that important, but merely an idea of what is important – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself through this self-absorbed way of observing the world to instead see what I can contribute for the betterment of the whole

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately as someone ask me for help feel disturbed and obstructed in my life, to feel as if someone is standing in my way, and this someone is being really annoying, wanting to control, rule, and direct my life without my permission, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only see my life, to only see my desires, to only see what I want to see, and to the whole, not the needs and requirements of the person that is in-front of me, but only my own needs, and desires, and only that which will be supportive for me, and my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become irritated and angry when I have to help another, because I feel that they are taking me away from the things that I have to do for myself, and that I am being obstructed, and hindered in my movement, because I now have to do all these various things for another that I do not really want to do, and that I do not really want to be a part of, because want to do that which feels important to me – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not expand my view and perspective of this world, and the people within it, to see, realize and understand that this world does not only consist of me, and that there is a lot more to take into account, and one of these points is that sometimes helping another is what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become resistant, doubtful, and hesitant when someone asks me to help, because I feel that I shouldn’t have to help them, and I fear that potentially they are using me, and they will not help me anything in return – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this experience within me is not real, and that what I instead should ask myself in the moment is whether helping, and supporting another with this point is best for all, and if I notice that I due to this get too much on my plate, then to delegate, and ask others to step in for me, to ask for help, so that all can share the workload

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am being used when someone asks me to help them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am compromising myself when someone asks me to help them – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that maybe, behind my back, I am seen as weak, because I agree with others and what they ask of me to do, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as weak and inferior within how I apply myself in my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged by another as being lenient and weak, and fear that they are going to start using me, because I am helping them out without any demands on my side, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to set a precedent where I am shown as being weak – and that others are going to start abusing me because I have set this precedent that is to lenient

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate helping with being/feeling abused, and misused – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not redefine helping into a concept that is supportive and best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to help people too much, and be too nice, and in that start compromising myself, and my life – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to lose control over myself and my life, and start doing what everyone else wants me to do, instead of what I require, and have to do – thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing touch with myself because all my focus is upon others, and what I should/have to do with others in order to support them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that it is unfair that I have to help another – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that nobody ever helps me, so why should I have to help another, why should I have to give of my time?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel used when someone asks me to help them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel misused when someone asks me to help them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that it is unfair that I have to help another because they will probably not help me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to give of myself and not get anything in return – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to lose myself and my stability because I will get spread thinly and used

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that there is a difference between being abused, and used, and that being used is not problematic, while being abused, which is to be used improperly, and in a way that causes negative outcomes for someone – and thus I see, realize and understand that being used is part of helping – and that as long as there are no consequences developing – it is completely in order to be used for a moment

Self-commitment statements

When and as someone asks for help, and I notice myself going into a resistance, a doubt and hesitancy, I stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that if I am able to help another, and I can see that helping another in this context would be what I would want for myself, then helping another is what is best for all – and thus something to honor – hence I commit myself – to when asked: Take a look at my day, and where I am within it, what I have to do, and look whether I can assist and support another in what they ask of me, and then I give them an answer, where I state that YES I will help, or NO because I have to do this instead – and thus I commit myself to answer unconditionally – with no strings attached as me wanting anything in return

I commit myself to HELP unconditionally as a giving of myself to another, where I do not expect anything in return

When and as someone asks me for help, and I become doubtful, and fearful that they might be abusing me, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that being abused by another would be when what is asked of me creates consequences in my life, or the life of another, where I as such would contribute to a world that is less than best, and thus I commit myself to in the moment cross-reference whether me helping another would initiate such an outflow, and within that give a clear answer back as either YES I will help – or NO

When and as I see myself reacting in anger, irritation and frustration as I am asked to, and then decide to help another, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this irritation comes up because I feel that it is unfair that I have to help another – though I see that I will never be able to expand my consideration and care for others if I only do the bare minimum – and that I won’t expand in my motivation and self-creation potential if I only do the same as others and not more – and thus I commit myself to move myself without the concept of what is fair or unfair – and instead look at – is this best? Does this contribute to a better world, a better life? And if it does – then I do it

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