Day 284: Dreams as a Gateway to the Unconscious

Yesterday I received some great news. There was a position opening up for me in my hometown, which means that my days of commuting might be over, for now… I am still though facing the one last challenge. I have to quit my current position and apply for the new position, and then get admitted into the new position in competition with other applicants. Hence, a moment of insecurity, and a moment of ‘breaking’ the ‘trust’ of my former employee – as my current employment is supposed to last for some years, I will however be leaving after only some months. This brought up some fears within me, and my cautious nature urged me to ‘not take any chances’ – while my ‘I have had enough of commuting’-nature urged me to immediately turn in my letter of resignation and go for it.

Anyway, I went to bed as per usual, and had one of my rare dreams. In my dream I had committed some form of felony, murder I think, and the police was onto me, and I was terrified of getting caught. I pictured before me (in my dream) how my life would come to an end, how all the dreams and imaginations I had conjured in my mind would come crashing down, how my career would fall into the abyss of nothingness, and that I would be left with nothing. As I woke up I could see that this dream effectively depicted the deeper fears moving in my mind with regards to making the decision of changing employer.

From my dream I can see that my fears involve an aspect of ‘getting caught’ and ‘being punished’ for ‘breaking the rules’ – the rules here being the terms of contract with the employer. And in breaking that contract (which I actually do not, seen from a legal perspective) I would then put my career at risk, and potentially then my future, and my survival in this world. Thus, what this fear shows me is that I have given my trust to the system, to my employer, and that my relationship with survival/money is based on me wanting others to assure me a steady inflow of money – and in this case – others would be my employer.

It also shows me a lack of self-trust. Because, fact is that I have a great CV, and that there is an insignificant risk that I might not receive the job in my hometown – and even if I would not receive the job – it is not like I am all out of opportunities. In-fact, there are many directions open for me, and what more stands in my way, are my own issues with confidence and trust – where I do not see that I can actually deal with, and direct my life, and make sure that things work out properly, even if things do not go according to my preconceived plan.

What I see that I must work with is thus self-trust issues, and fears of my survival falling to pieces, and to replace that fear of survival with self-trust, with self-confidence, with self-reliance and a stability, a knowing, that regardless of what is going to come into my life, I will deal with it, I will find solutions, and I will not give up. I will push myself forward and walk to the utmost of my ability, pushing through fears, and anxieties, and creating the life that I see is best for me, that I see is best for all, and not accepting and allowing myself to be satisfied with a mediocre life, but instead pushing for, and creating a extraordinary life.

Fear is quite cool, because it shows me where it is that I am not yet trusting myself, and where it is that I am willing to compromise myself, who I am, my integrity, my decisions, plans, and what is best for me, to feel secure/safe about my survival. It shows me where it is that I am still accepting and allowing myself to exist in a mindset of trying to avoid failure, instead of creating the success I want to have. It shows me where and how I am still  accepting less from myself and my life than what I am capable of creating for and as myself. Fear is the symptom of me not pushing myself to remain standing in every breath, with my body, and place my focus and attention on SELF-CREATION – and hence not on – self-survival.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not going to be able to retain my security and safety with regards to money if I quite my job and look for a new one – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear defaulting on my debts, to fear loosing my house, to fear loosing my opportunity to survive in this world, and instead falling down into a whole of debt and suffering from which I cannot stand up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing my security and safety, as my access to money, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust money to give me my security, and my sense of feeling safe and secure, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, that it is money that creates my stability, and that without money in my life, I cannot, and I do not have stability – and thus I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to practice stability – to practice standing and remaining the same within me regardless if I have access to money or not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing my stability, and my future, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be willing to compromise what is best for me, to compromise creating a extraordinary and effective future for myself, only so that I can feel safe, and secure with my decisions, and with my life – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practice standing in stability even though I am in a pressured situation – and in a pressured environment as so far that my access to money is not stable and secure

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that access to money in this world, and in this life, cannot ever be secure, and safe, that there is no such security and safety, as this world is in its very foundation flawed, and thus there is at all times a risk for everything to fall, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this is a risk I must learn to stand with – to deal with and to direct – to understand that all decisions hold within them the potential of failure – yet sometimes – it is absolutely worth it to take the risk – to push forward – when the rewards that stand to be won are worth it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the worst case scenario, the worst case scenario being, that I will not get admitted into any of my desired employment options, and that I will stand without a job, and without income, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that this is going to happen to me, to fear that in such a scenario, I am not going to know what to do, and how to deal with my life, and how to continue to push forward, and do something with myself – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that in the worst case scenario, I do still have opportunities that I can push for, to assure an income for myself, and I can find ways on the side, to make sure that I still push myself forward in relation to my career and where I see that I want to go in life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the worst possible outcome, and fear that in such a situation, I am going to loose time, I am going to loose my standing in the legal community, and I am not going to be able to create anything with my life, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that if such a point do occur, that I will still be able to find a way out, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, to not see, realize and understand that it will not get that bad – and also – that losing time is a very, very subjective assertion – and that in-fact – I am the primary decision maker as to whether the time I have on my hand is used effectively, and practically, or whether it is thrown away

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place trust, to place stability, to place security in relation to having a career, to having a job, and being accepted at my job, and excelling at my job, and within that being complemented, and liked by my colleagues, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is that career, the words I have placed into this concept, are words that I can live, stand, and walk within my life, as myself, and thus nothing that I actually need to have a career for, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assert myself within the words of direction, and security, as knowing where I am going and with a secure stability heading in that direction, not accepting and allowing myself to be swayed and shifted – but remaining with my practical physical reality and moving into the direction that I have established for and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself a career, as a purpose and a direction in my daily living, as a security, in me knowing where I am heading, knowing what I am going to create and build for myself, and knowing what I am going to do with my life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I cannot build this stability on a career – because a career can shift and go into highs and lows – and if I accept and allow myself to base my security and stability on a career – then I am not effectively aligned here with and as what is real – the stability of the physical that is always consistent regardless of the movement of money in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust my mind when it comes to making decisions in relation to the future, through trusting fear, and believing the decisions made in fear are more safe than decisions made within and as stability – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making decisions that I am stable within – in fear that they might be to risky – and that there might develop to many repercussions that will affect my future and my life – and make things shaky – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making my life shaky and unstable when it comes to money and financial security – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to thus only want to make safe decisions that I feel there is no fear connected to – because then I have apparently made a good and secure decisions that will lead to predictable outcomes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there is no such thing as a predictable outcome on this earth at this moment – simply because the way money moves and the way the system is created – is so ineffective and based on the flimsiness of the mind – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how any feeling of security and trust in tomorrow is in-fact self-dishonesty, as there is no such security in this world to be found in this day and age

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself going into fear, and anxiety, and imagining the worst possible outcome of making a decision that involves money, and employment, I stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that with all decisions there is a risk – there is a potential that things might go wrong – and that things might not work out – however – that is not something that I can use to build my life with – and instead I realize that I must come to terms with these risks and push for the decisions that create my life to be the best that it can be – and thus I commit myself to bring up the worst possible outcome within me – and define solution within me if that outcome were to play out – and look at what decision is the most challenging – what decision is the best for me to walk that will be support me in my life and what I want to do in this lifetime

When and as I see myself going into fear, and anxiety towards a decision, because there is a risk that I will loose my employment, and in that my feeling, and sense of security, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that that the sense of security that comes with employment is in-fact false, that a security cannot be based on a job, and on money, but is in-fact related to ME and how I SEE-CURES – my ability to SEE SOLUTIONS and work with what is here – and not accept and allow myself to give up and give in when things get tough; and thus I commit myself to place my trust and security in myself – and develop my ability to remain stable under pressure and look for and apply solutions

When and as I see myself worrying that I am going to destroy my legal career, and make others angry and dissatisfied with me because of how I have approached my employment, I stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that this fear is holding me back, and limiting, that the moment I get attached to and accept and allowed something external to define me, through fear of loss, then I am creating limitations for and as myself, and making my life, my future, and who I am smaller, and thus I commit myself to push ahead, to push through my fear of loss, to realize that fear of loss only exists because I have defined words in relation to my external environment instead of seeing, realizing and understand that I can live and stand with and as this words as a decision, and as a movement that comes from within and that I express out to others

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