Day 373: Big Decisions

Will things change when my environment change, or will my environment change when I change? And is it even possibly to change my environment long term if I have not changed who I am?

When it comes to making big decisions about my life, my modus operandi has followed a somewhat similar pattern each time: First step in this pattern would be dissatisfaction with my current situation, Second step would be establishing the new ideal situation in my mind, Third step would be to desire/want/dream of this new ideal, and the Fourth step would be to realize it in the physical. Then there is actually a fifth step to the pattern, and that is where I become disappointed and dissatisfied with my new environment, and so that will be a fuel to yet again ignite and restart the pattern.

Obviously, there is a problem with this way of creating, because instead of basing decisions on a stable, practical consideration, looking at and establishing what would be best for me, the decision is made haphazardly, based on irrational feelings and emotions. And they are irrational because these energies are mostly based/formed/defined arbitrarily, and most often, it is not about the decision per say, it is about something else, a deeper issue.

An example of my own life would be how I have had a tendency to want to move, change environments, jobs, friends, change whatever, when I feel that I have gotten to know all dimensions, and there is no more ‘excitement’ or ‘exploration’ to be experienced. When my relationship with the point started to become more routine, that is when I would draw back, and move on. This obviously shows me one character flaw of mine, that I have had a tendency to wait for my environment to stimulate me, wait for relationships to create something in me, instead me moving myself to give, share and be open and intimate with others. Thus, instead of me asking myself what I am able to give, or pushing myself to, instead of expecting to receive, deepen my relationship, be creative and see what I am able to bring to open up new doors.

Thus, what I have seen is that, when there are reactions towards my environment, the solution is not to change environment, the solution is to look within and change self. Because, regardless of how many times I change my environment, if I do not deal with the underlying, origin issues, things will never change, I will always go back into the pattern, and yet again have to make a decision that is not entirely clear, and stable.


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