Because I still have my holidays I have had time to commit to a couple of carpentry projects on the farm where I live. Some of them, I am really satisfied with, others, I am not. A few days ago I completed one of those projects which I am not satisfied with, at all.
The project was about casting a new concrete floor in the carpentry cabin on the farm. The floor was definitely in need of a remake, because it had a big hole in one section, a oil spill in another, and looked generally, quite rough. On my mothers initiative, it was thus decided to recast the floor. And I was on board and excited about the project, because I have never worked with concrete on my own before.
However, this excitement, and throwing myself into the project, was also, partly what caused me to in the end, be dissatisfied with the results. Because, without doing much research, my mother and I bought some bags of concrete, and without doing much research – except for making a few calls to check in with a couple of retailers – then I threw myself into blending, meshing and throwing the concrete.
The first thing that happened, was that we had not bought enough concrete. Hence, we were only able to cast roughly one fifth of the surface, and then we had to wait for a couple of days, until we were able to buy more concrete. Because of this a part of the new floor got a different color compared to the rest, and a slightly different height. Obviously, I was not very satisfied with that.
Then, the rest of the floor, because I had not done my research, it got a rough surface, not the floor-like, normal surface that I am used to. Further, the floor height was raised about 25-30 mm which made the height of the ceiling, in some areas, too low. All this because, I did not consider, reflect and look on the point beforehand. It was done impulsively, on a whim, and the results were equal and one to that.
When I looked how this happened, how I got carried away, I see that it has to do with the excitement I was experiencing in relation to the project, and also, a form of anxiety/fear of not being productive. The excitement point, well that is easy to understand, I was excited to get started and begin working. The anxiety/fear of not being productive, has to do with the belief/idea, that what counts is the finished product – and the physical labor that is put into creating that physical product. I have seen that my mother has the same belief. And the consequence of following/living according to this belief, is that the process of consideration/looking/preparation/planning will take a backseat – and the ‘doing’ will be placed in the forefront – causing unnecessary consequences – such as in this case. Because if I would have slowed down, and meticulously planned the point, undoubtedly the results would have been a lot better.
That is the lesson to be learned. However, instead of simply learning, and moving on, I got stuck in a loop of judging myself, where I thought that I could have known, that I should have slowed myself down, that I should have pushed myself to do the necessary planning. It was a form of torment within myself. When I looked at the point I realized that the origin point of this judgment was actually not that I was dissatisfied with the result – but that I had caused a ‘loss of money’ and time. According to the capitalistic mind-set, this project and the execution of it could be defined as a waste – however – for me it was not – because the process of walking the point – what I learned from it all – WHO I WAS within the execution – all of that is still with me – and that is not something that can be defined utilizing money or used time as a marker.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself, and to feel bad, and become obsessed within myself of thinking that I should have, and could have created a better result, if I would have prepared myself more and done things differently, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself this character, thinking that it was a great loss, because I lost money, and I lost time, and apparently, I need to utilize these two resources to produce and manufacture, and create monetary value, so that I am able to survive
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use money and time, and see money and time, as things that I have to be careful with, because I might waste them, and think that what must be done with this resources are to generate more monetary value into my world – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become fearful, anxious, and judgmental, when I perceive that I have used these resources to something ‘unnecessary’ and something that did not produce the necessary ‘monetary value’ that I believe is important
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not learn from my mistakes, and then empower myself through this learning, and do that without judging myself, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I learn better, that I learn more, that I learn faster, when and as I am judging myself – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding, that no, I do not learn more only because i judge myself, this is an idea that I have created, and in-fact – I do not need any emotional experience within myself to SEE, UNDERSTAND and move on
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become carried away by a rush of wanting and desiring to complete and produce and see the final results – instead of pushing myself to remain methodical, structured and calm – to slow down – and to allow each point in the process to take its time – to see, realize and understand that the value of life/living/expression is not in the finished product but in the process of movement/application/walking – and within and as WHO I AM in the moments of life/living/expression
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that from my mistakes, I can learn a lot, and I can do that without judgment, simply by seeing and recognizing what I am dissatisfied with, and then taking that with me, and changing myself – hence – it does not have to be – in anyway a emotional or reactive point – it can simply be me learning and then moving forward to apply what I have learned
When and as I see myself becoming carried away, excited, and wanting to move ahead to the execution phase in a project, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that a project is not only about the execution, that I have to see the entirety of the point, slow down, look at it, consider, prepare, and plan – that in physical reality, when doing things that I have not done before – things will move a lot smoother, and without as many problems and issues, if I give myself time to consider and look at it – and thus I see, realize and understand that each point has its time to be created – and that there is no meaning or point in trying to stress and force a project to move forward – thus I commit myself to take the time required and needed for me to walk a point of creation with the necessary attention to detail and preparation that is required for me to be able to walk the point effectively and manifest my vision into creation – there is nothing wrong about something taking a lot of time to create – in-fact all things of value and substance do take time to put into creation
When and as I see myself judging myself for having made mistakes, for having moved to fast, without consideration, I take a breath, I stop myself, and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand, that I can learn from my mistakes without judging myself, and that it is not ‘the whole world’ that I loose money and time because of mistakes and things that could have been avoided, its simply a consequence, and I can learn from it – and hence the time has not been wasted, the money is not wasted – because it is all about WHO I AM within and as the project/expression and what I take with myself
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