I recently had guests visit for some days. Before they came my general experience was that of trepidation, as I am not that used to having people over for several days. After spending time with people for a day or two I usually feel tired and like I want to be by myself for a moment to recuperate and collect myself. And what added to my anxiety was that I had not met my friend for a long time.
However, I could see and I was aware of my general mood, and I also knew, from past experiences, that I could not at all trust my trepidation as any form of measurement on how the coming days would play out at all.
And so, my friend and her partner arrived, and we had a great time together for several days. I did not feel tired and exhausted, and I did not feel like I had to isolate myself to recuperate. I realized this had to do with two things. Partly because, my guests were really helpful and considerate. They assisted me in cooking food and taking care of my daughter. And then, partly because I was able to be relaxed, comfortable and at peace with myself, while spending time with my friend. The latter was the key to my comfortable state during their visit. I did not try to impress, or be nice, or be sociable, I simply expressed myself with them.
What did I learn during this weekend? I learned that if I allow myself to be comfortable, at ease, and naturally myself with others, that I do not have to use any energy to express myself, and thus, I will not feel any need to recuperate or be by myself – or at least – that need will be greatly reduced – as I will able to rest in myself even though I have people all around me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be myself around others
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am not funny, engaging, and interesting enough, as myself, and that I need to be something different to others, and to myself, in order to create functional relationships
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be naturally myself with others, to relax, to be comfortable, to share and express myself without trying to be something else than myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be present of my breath when I am with others
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be present with my body and my physique when I am with others
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to not be present with my body, with my physique, with my breath, with my feet, my fingers, when I am with others
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be fearful of opening my home up to another, of opening myself up to another, believing that I am flawed, and that I need to be something different if I am to open myself up, because the way I am for real is not good enough, will never be acknowledged, will never be loved
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a trauma within me from my childhood, where in relation to my parents, I did not feel like I could open myself up unconditionally, share myself, and show myself, because my parents would not approve of who I was, and would not understand who I was, and would try to change or suppress who I was, if I showed them what was really happening inside me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my natural and comfortable expression that comes through when I am relaxed, when I am at ease, when I am breathing properly, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that it is when I suppress my natural expression, and my natural flow, that I feel that I need to leave for a moment to recuperate by myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I am able to recuperate in the moment of interacting with another by allowing myself to be myself, to be relaxed, to be comfortable, to be at ease, and not allow myself to lose myself in a state of trying to be liked and loved by another
I commit myself to be comfortable, relaxed, breathing, at ease with myself when I am with others, and if I notice that I go into tension and fear, to support myself to forgive the fears and anxieties that arise, and to stabilize myself in my body, and to return to my natural, comfortable expression
I commit myself to be relaxed and comfortable with others and invite them into me, open myself up, open my home up, and not be fearful that they are going to judge me, as I see, realize and understand, that they will only ever be able to judge themselves
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