Category Archives: Process

Day 283: I Do More Than You!

Living on a farm implies taking care of stuff, and if you live on a farm that accommodates animals, taking care of stuff, implies taking care of animals. This is that situation that I am in at the moment, living on a farm with animals, and having responsibilities to tend to the animals.

However, in my situation there are some unusual variables to take into account. The animals, chickens in this case, are not legally ‘owned’ by me and another person has the more dominant, ‘ownership’ role in relation to the chickens. My responsibility to tend to the chickens was initially someone else’s idea, and the plan was that two persons were to clean the chicken coupe each weekend. These variables are important to consider, as they are an important of the reactions that have come up within me in relation to this responsibility.

So, as for the reactions, I have had thought of seeing myself as being jailed and used as a chicken caretaker, because recently, due to various reasons, I have had to clean the chicken coupe by myself, and still, I do not feel as if I am given any influence and power of the chickens as a ‘owner’ – and hence the backchat have come up: ‘I am the one doing all the work, yet I get nothing in return, people are just using me, I should not stand for this!’ – ‘I do not get anything out of this, why should I have to care for the chickens?’. Now, the emotional experience is unfairness, and resentment, and on a deeper level, it is all blame.

However, as I have walked this point, and become aware of these reactions, I have started to question this unfairness, and the concept of ‘ownership’ and ‘control’ – and why there must be an aspect of remuneration involved for something to feel as if it is ‘worth it’. As children, we were part of numerous projects, and responsibilities, yet seldom was there are sense of having to claim ownership and gain a form of reward because of our participation. It was a lot more natural to give, and receive, without thinking about who is getting more, who is gaining, who is loosing, etc.

I looked at the point today, and I realized that there are many people benefitting from the chickens that I care for. This benefit has no monetary implications for me; there are no rewards, though I can see, that what I do gives people nourishing and healthy eggs. Further, I take pressure of the actual owner of the chickens, as she does not have to give as much time and energy into caring for them. Moreover, it is actually supportive for me on a physical level to be outside, breathe some fresh air, and move my physical body around.

Hence, what I can see is that there are many positive effects flowing from my participation. And the experience I have of unfairness, well, it is just that, an experience, and it has no physical standing – because what does unfair really mean? That it feels as if everything is not equal for everyone? Why should it be exactly the same for everyone? We all have different schedules, different preferences, and different lives; hence, it is obvious that all things cannot be exactly the same for everyone.

Instead of looking at the experience of unfairness, what I should instead look at is physical, practical, cons that flow from this current setup. And here I can only see one, that I loose time. But time is something I do have, and caring for the chickens’ causes no buildup of pressure, and time constraint in my life – I have the opportunity to clean the chicken coupe without detrimental effects. And that means, that the only negative of this setup, is that it feels unfair, and as if I am being used – there is actually no real physical con.

This is a cool example of how something that feels like a big problem, in reality is no problem – and how it is easy to be fooled by the emotions of the mind when making decisions – believing that only because there is a emotion coming up, and this emotion is very intense, that it must mean that what the emotion is conveying is correct. A rule of thumb should thus be to wait with making any decisions until all emotions have been cleared – and the real, physical pros and cons of the decision have been established.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I am facing a conflict within me, to place my focus on what I feel, instead of looking at the practical pros and cons of the situation, to look at what is a problem here in this physical reality, and not on what I feel is a problem in my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that unfairness, and something not being just, are not acceptable reasons for deciding to not do something, because unfairness and injustice, both of these points are mental, meaning that they exist separately from this physical reality, and have no connection to what is needed, and what is best on a physical level – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remain in the physical through looking at the physical pros and cons of a particular decision that I am facing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that it is unfair that I have to clean the chicken coupe even though I do not own the chickens, and I do not get to take part of all the perks of being the owner of the chickens, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose myself in the idea/experience of ownership, and control, and make that point more relevant, and prevalent in my mind, than looking at what the actual benefits are of my participation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with and as backchat of how I feel that I am being used for the benefit of someone else, and that I am not getting to, or receiving all the perks that I see/feel someone else is, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my focus and attention on this point of unfairness, and enlarge it in my mind, to such an extent that I cannot anymore see the benefits flowing from the point, and where it is all about how I feel that it is unfair, how I feel that it is not equal, and that it is not good, and that it should be different

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be content with assisting and supporting a point in my life because I see that it is of benefit to others, and understanding that I do not need some form of leadership position, I do not need some form of special position, I do not need all the perks, what I require is that the physical pros of a point exceeds the cons, because when that is the case, it is best for all the apply myself in relation to the point, and when something is best for all, that is all the reason I need to get going

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that the solution is, to instead of thinking about, looking at whether the point is fair or not, to look at whether the point is best for all or not, because when a point is best for all, benefitting me as well as others, well, then there is no reason why I shouldn’t push myself and walk the point, and then it doesn’t matter who is in charge, who owns what, and what is where, because the point I am participating within will have a positive outflow effect unto others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this is what it means to participate and live this life without ego, to be able to walk in this world and look at all points from a starting point of seeing whether it is best for all or not, and acting according to that, hence, not looking at points from within the question: ‘Does this serve me?’ – or – ‘Is this fair/just?’ – rather from the question: ‘Does this point support life’? – and if it does – there is sufficient reason to walk the point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this not see, realize and understand, that when unfairness comes up within me, it is an indication that I have not yet established clearly my starting point, and that I have not yet looked at, considered whether the point that is before me is best for all, and whether there is as such a benefit in my walking/taking the point on – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not broaden my view, and way of looking at my life, and the points I participate within, to ask myself, is this best for all, does this support life, and is this supportive for me? And on the basis of the answer I receive on this question – ACT and move myself

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am reacting in a emotion of unfairness, resentment, and feeling that something is unjust, because I have to help with something, or do more than another, I stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this unfairness exists within me because I have not yet established how I am in relation to the point that I am facing, I have not yet discerned where I stand, and thus I commit myself to ask, what the pros and cons of the point are, and if the pros outweigh the cons, to then make the decision to participate in the point, and do so unconditionally, because I see that it is best for all – and in this understand that unfairness is a limited concept not taking into account that what is best for all does not need to be fair or just

When and as I see that am reacting in a emotion of unfairness, resentment, and feeling like I have to do more than another, while it is another that gets the most out of it, I stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this experience is mental, that it is a concept based on a mental picture of my life, and not on the actual physical practicalities of my life, and thus I commit myself to bring myself back to what is practical, through asking myself: ‘Okay, what are the pros and cons of this point?’ – and within this look at whether the point is best for all – and in this I commit myself – to if the point is what is best for all – and I have the possibility to walk the point – to do it – and walk it unconditionally with no ego – instead understanding that I am contributing to what is best for all and within that need fairness, justice, or sameness is required

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Day 154: Letting Go of a Past Moment

During this last week I’ve had a couple of instances where I forget things, or miss things, or make unnecessary and preventable mistakes, and I looked at where this came from – and I saw that it came from a tendency I have to think about, analyze, and become preoccupied with events and situations that occur in my life.

For example, as I was eating together with a couple of friends, I was discussing and sharing some realizations that I have had, and as the moment was done – and I was supposed to move into a new moment, with my full awareness, and presence being here with me, I instead started to think about, analyze, and pick apart the moment that had already passed, which had the consequence of me not being aware, present, and able to direct the new moment that had entered my world.

What I want to practice living is focus, as well as presence, and live that in such a way, so that when I am done with a moment, I unconditionally move myself to the next moment, and completely let go of the past – and then – if I decide to do so – I can revisit the moment that had passed when I am in a position to do so, for example, as I am lying in my bed, ready to go to sleep, or sitting by my computer writing myself out – though – it’s not appropriate or effective to look at passed moments when I am in the middle of my life, having responsibilities and commitments that I require to direct, to in such a moment start looking at a past moment – because in those situations I require to have my entire awareness and presence here with my human physical body – and with what I am doing here – if I don’t I can obviously manifest dire consequences for myself, which is not necessary at all.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I require to be present, aware and here when and as I am moving myself throughout my life, and that it can have consequences if I do not push myself to remain here – within and as breath – moving myself with what is here and having full attention upon my physical body – and my physical world – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hang unto past moments, and take past moments into my mind and start to analyze them, and think about them, and pick them apart, instead of moving myself HERE within and as breath, within and as my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate my attention from myself, my physical body, and my physical world, through participating in a state of analyzing, and picking apart past moments, and evaluating my performance in these moments, instead of realizing, that this is a thing that I can’t do when I walk in my life, and participate in this reality, because I require to be on my toes, cautious and present of what is going on, and if I don’t push myself to walk this I will create consequences for myself, which is totally unnecessary, because I can just immediately apply and walk this realization that when I am out and about, moving and participating, I require to have my presence HERE on what I am doing in this very moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I fall in a moment, I can’t start thinking about it, because that might have consequences, as I require to be here in my world, and direct myself to take care of my responsibilities, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not direct myself to give me some time each day where I do allow myself to bring up past moments, and look at who I am within them, and look at corrections, and solutions, that I am able to apply to correct these moments and who I am within them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to let go of each moment that I’ve lived, no matter how reactive I’ve been in that moment, to let it go, and then at a later stage, when I do have the time, and when the situation is appropriate, to bring myself back to that moment, and walk it through, and define a correction and solution for myself

Self-commitments

I commit myself to practice letting go of past moments immediately as I’ve walked them through, and bring myself back here to what I am doing, and be here in the present with myself, and have my complete attention here on what I am doing

I commit myself to direct myself to give myself the time each day to look at my day, to look at reactions, and experiences, and define solutions, and corrections for myself – and thus – make sure that I directively make the decision to bring a past moment here for me to look at it and walk through in writing and self-forgiveness

I commit myself to live focus practically in my world, through making sure that I have my attention placed HERE on what I am doing in every moment, and make sure that I don’t preoccupy myself with anything in my mind, but that my complete presence, and awareness is instead located, and focused, and placed here with myself

Day 140: See All The Dirt

Listening to a recent interview by Anu – The Sandman has Come – I’ve begun to investigate within myself and my life what the point of alertness implies – what does it mean to be alert, awake, cautionary and attentive?

What I’ve seen is that, in regards to process, living alertness means that I move myself, and take on points that open up within me immediately, no hesitation, no waiting, no postponing, no delaying – I take it one – I walk it then and there as it comes up within me.

For example, let’s say a fear comes up within me as I am communicating with some people – instead of saying within me that “I will investigate it later” – “write about it tonight” – I can immediately in that moment take the point on; say within me – STOP – take a breath – and see how far and effectively I am able to push the point there – within this also apply self-forgiveness if necessary – so that I do not make my process contingent upon writing – but that my process is walked here in every moment of breath – and that I make sure that at the end of the day – it’s not self-forgiveness that will be the savior – instead I take in and stand as that position with myself; my own saving grace.

When speaking the word Alert – the sound that comes through is All-Hurt, as well as All-spurt – and All-dirt – and here I find the latter quite fitting; because being alert implies being aware of all one’s inner dirt, all the shit, all the darkness, and all that which goes on under the surface. Thus, I see that living ALL-DIRT – is to make sure that each moment I am here and I recognize what is going on – and I stand ready with myself as the broom – ready to wipe up any and all dirt and change into living self-expression.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live alertness, attentiveness, and being AWAKE, HERE in every moment of breath, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that living alertness, is me pushing myself to in every moment be aware of all the dirt, and in that push myself to act, and clean up this dirt, and make sure that each moment I walk fully, in applying myself fully to make sure that I do the utmost to correct myself and change myself in that very moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in order to move forward in this process, and really make the most of my time, make the most of my life, I require to be attentive, present, and awake in every moment, ready to act, ready to stand, ready to assert myself and push myself when and as a particular mind-pattern arise from within

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as a inner sleepiness, wherein I accept and allow myself to feel a aversion, and a apathy towards taking on, and working with new points, and within this I let points slide, I wait with dealing with points, I simply, to sum it up, do not push myself as extensively as I am able to – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to make every waking moment of mine, a moment of process, a moment of pushing myself to stop thoughts, to stop emotions, and feelings, and in every moment apply the basic tools of process, and as such walk with time, in real time – and correct, design, and live with time, and with process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how the statement ‘Time is always against you’ – implies that time moves at a certain pace and pattern and that this time doesn’t take me into consideration, in regards to what pace I want to move in – time simply moves as time moves – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to equalize myself with and as time – to stand, walk and apply myself with time, and allow my process to unfold, and my walking, and direction to unfold in every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that applying myself as alertness implies that I am ready to take on, and work with everything that comes up within me, as it comes up, and that I do not postpone, I do not wait, I do not put it unto another I moment, I make my stand here – I apply self-forgiveness here – and I move to direct myself here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not motivate myself to be alert, responsive, and participatory in my inner world and reality, and as such I see, realize and understand, that in a way, my inner reality is like democracy, and am the populace that have going into lethargy and that do not care anymore what is accepted and allowed in this democracy, what happens, and what goes on, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take back my power in my inner democracy, and stand up, and become alert of my inner world, and make sure that I place my vote in every moment of every breath as to who I am, and how I am going to live, and what I am going to accept and allow and what I am not going to accept and allow

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live alertness as myself in every moment of breath, through pushing myself to not let a moment slide, but to catch that thought, catch that experience, and in the moment move and direct myself into self-correction – to as such not anymore wait and postpone, but to make sure that I move and motivate myself – that I move and create myself – and that I do not wait for things to happen – but that I instead make things happen

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that just as in my outer world, I have to in my inner world move to make things happen, because things will not happen by themselves, things will only happen when and as I make the directive decision to move, I make the directive decision to create, I make the decision to direct myself – and thus I commit myself to in every moment make sure that I move me – that I direct me – that I push me – and that motivate myself to birth myself as life from the physical and that I do not anymore wait for things to happen to me

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am waiting for something to happen, to wait for an experience to change, to wait for a thought pattern to go away, to wait for me to live, I stop, I breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that the engine of my process is ME – that the MOTOR as the MOVEMENT of process is ME – and that as such I must be alert and awake in every moment – see the points – acknowledge the points – and then move myself – and generate that point of a constant movement of self-application that occurs and that becomes natural and who I am in every moment of breath; thus I commit myself to be alert – see all dirt – and to apply myself in every moment of breath and push myself to move – create and live – and I commit myself to ANCHOR this point in the physical – through when and as reaction come up within me – to immediately in that moment state a self-forgiveness in relation to the point – and stabilize myself here through breathing through the reaction

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Day 120: Communication and Awareness

communicateOne point that I have worked with lately is communication and in that self-expansion. This point opened up through listening to Eqafe interviews, as well as reading the blogs from others – and what was pointed out and shared in these was how we tend to not see how little we in-fact communicate with others in our world. We instead go through our life’s taking everything and everyone for granted and even with those closest to us we seldom strike up a conversation wherein we are aware, present, here – listening and hearing what another is sharing.

The practical correction that I have applied is thus the simple point of communicating more – in particular with those people that I do meet every day but that I have not allowed myself to see and get to know. One example is the shopkeeper in the kiosk nearby where I live. I have been buying things from this guy for several years, yet not once have I asked him where he is from, whether he likes his job or not, really, I have not asked him anything at all except for the receipt. Though recently as I went to his small kiosk, I asked him some questions, really basic questions, and it was fascinating to see how much enjoyed it, and that he as well seemed to enjoy it, and in this movement I expanded myself and my world – I got to know another a little better than before, and no more was this person but a prop in my world with the sole purpose of providing me with various goods and wares.

Now I have begun to expand this point of communication to more instances in my world, and it is something that I enjoy to do very much – and I am astounded to see how much I have been missing. I have seen that there are much more to people than what meets the eye, something I did not understand before, because I never took the decision to communicate, share myself, open up, and get to know another.

This point is really but one small point in my process of discovering the physical, and I am now with more clarity able to see how much in my world that I have not seen, great things, cool things, that have been just before my nose, but that I have not noticed because I have been to busy in my mind thinking about all kinds of things. Really, there is so much to discover and see in every moment, and an interview that assisted and supported me in seeing this is the Life review Conditioned into the mind. In this interview a man shares his life of how he instead of being aware and paying attention to what is here in the physical, directed his focus into his mind – as such missing all of that which each day was around him, instead existing in repetitive and limited thought-patterns going around, around, the same subjects, same emotions and same feelings.

Thus, life really is what we make of it – because we can either align our life and living to into and as this physical world, which is a place filled with discoveries, things to be learnt, with uncountable dimensions and aspects waiting to be seen and understood – and in this living here with the physical life becomes fun, a perpetual expansion and movement, where one is actually able to develop oneself for real, whilst a life in the mind is the opposite, it is a spiraling down into limitation, wherein one after a while miss all touch with life and the possibilities that are supplied on a golden platter in every moment.

The key to life is the physical.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the physical for granted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not pay attention to my physical reality, to not care about my physical reality, to believe that I have already seen everything that is to be seen, that I already understand the physical and that there are more important things for me to do in my mind – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the physical is a point that I have not really ever accepted and allowed myself to stand equal with and discover

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand equal and one with and as the physical, and make the self-willed decision to be here with the physical in every moment, and to notice and see the physical, to pay attention to the details, to be aware of my surroundings and accept and allow myself to see what is here, and get to know what is here – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become stuck in repetitive and monotone thoughts, and feelings, and emotions in my mind, and spend my life inside my head, instead of being here with and as the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the physical for granted, take other human beings for granted, take my body for granted, and not care to get to know it, to be intimate with it, to discover it and understand it – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend my life in my mind in a zombie-mode – wherein I am continuously thinking about things, believing that this is life and living, while really it is the epitome of limitation, and as such I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to push myself and will myself to be aware of my physical reality, of my physical body, of the physical sensations that are here in every moment – ready to be explored – ready to be known

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mind reality is more real and valid than the physical reality, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend all my time in my mind imaginary reality in my head, instead of standing, living, and walking with my physical reality – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value my mind more than life – more than the physical – more than life substance; and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand to what extent that I am limiting myself and holding myself back from living a effective life that is fun and enjoyable to take part in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in my mind I am isolated and separate from what is here, and in that state of being there is really no meaning or purpose to my life, because in essence I do not exist, I am merely entertaining myself in a illusory state of energy; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to give myself and my life real meaning and substance – through pushing and willing myself to be present – be aware – be HERE within and as every moment breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard my physical reality as non-important – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead give all my attention and focus to my mind – to exist in my mind in fantasies, dreams and imaginations of the future, or the past, and in this not see, realize and understand what it is that I am missing here – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the physical is REAL – that the physical is LIFE – and that my mind is DEATH – in my mind there exists no life as it is simply a machine created to distract me from what is real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my physical reality and world for granted, and instead spend my time, and life in my mind, wherein I am living in fantasies, in experiences, in dreams and hopes of the future, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to completely and utterly disregard and push my life away – life being the physical – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I wake up in the morning, to begin my day from a starting point of taking life for granted, of taking what is here for granted, of just getting up and starting to participate in my mind – instead of accepting and allowing myself to be aware and present and recognize the physical – feel the physical and interact with the physical equal and one

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my mind is limited – and that the physical represents an opportunity to truly make my life meaningful and substantial, because in living with the physical, I am actually interacting and communicating with and as something real, actual, that have substance, and that have life – but in my mind there is only me – only me running after these ludicrous thoughts of no meaning or purpose – and that is something I can do for the rest of my life – unless I make the active decision to in every moment stop myself – bring myself back here – and recognize the physical – recognize life – recognize what is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be grateful for this physical reality and the support that it supplies unconditionally – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this physical reality makes life possible and that without it I could not have existed – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not align myself with life through in every moment being present, aware and physical – pushing myself to be practical and walking my life within and as breath – and as such not accepting and allowing myself to spend my life and my time in my mind

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am taking life for granted, taking the physical for granted, taking a moment for granted, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that taking physical for granted is ignorance – because the physical gives life – the physical supports life – the physical is life – and as such me taking that for granted implies that I am missing life – as such I commit myself to bring myself back here in every moment of breath – and stand with and as the physical – be practical – and walk within and as breath and awareness of my entire physical

When and as I see that I am, as I wake up in the morning, Immediately going into my mind, and I immediately start to think instead of being HERE – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that life is HERE with the physical and not in my mind, not in experiences, not in thoughts, not in pictures, it is here – before my very eyes; as such I commit myself to stand up within me and align myself with life as the physical and as such wake up HERE as breath within and as the physical

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Day 100: Stop The Fear

After having studied for my exams today I experienced myself physically tired and exhausted and I am sure that this has something to do with who I am within my studies, how I study, in what state of presence and mind I am when it is that I am studying.

What I can see is that I am often going into a stress and nervousness, and the mechanics of this is quite simple, is that I project myself into the future, look at how much I think I have to do, read, and study, then go into a fear that I won’t be able to do all of these tasks that I’ve projected into the future, and that accordingly this will cause me to fail on my exam.

Another interesting point that relates to this is how I tend to want to study more, take more courses, take more educations, and when I look at where this is coming from, I can see that also this is arising from a sense of fear, a sense of panic and anxiety, wherein I will do everything I can possibly do in order to ensure my security, and my financial stability. It’s really quite absurd, because in walking and applying myself in this stress and anxiety, what I am doing is that I am really destroying my physical body, creating harmful consequences for myself, and in a way, this way of living will result in me becoming “burned out” so to speak, or “walking into the wall” – wherein I simply push to hard without considering that I must actually tend to, and listen to my physical body, and that it’s simply detrimental to go into anxiety, and fear to and towards the various challenges and hoops one face in this worlds, wherein exams are one of those.

The point I must continue to work with is thus fear of survival, and I must within this push myself to be much more specific, because it’s obvious that I create these experiences of myself through participating in thoughts, yet at the moment these thoughts are not clearly defined and visible for me, they move to fast, so I must slow down, breath, and look at exactly what it is that I am creating within myself that leads to me placing myself in a experience of possession.

What I also see is that I can support myself physically to not go into this state of being through allowing myself to take a walk, go and swim, or go to the gym – wherein I instead of being in this state of running, allow myself to physically slow down, and just be HERE with my body, and another point that can assist with this is to listen to classical music when I study, so that I slow down, and that I am not in this possession when I am applying myself in my world, because that is what gets to me.

Thus, it’s time I commence operation slowing down, and I mean, this relates to my last blog, where I said I would expand more on how to live the word CARE practically and physically, because doing this for myself, is living real care – because I see what I and my body require, and I act upon that, thus caring for myself and my human physical body – and that is where my care my start – with myself.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a perpetual state of running through life, wherein I am running towards something as a point of success, as a point of being more than, as a point of being better than, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in this state of trying to get through, trying to move myself to something, become something, excel in something, instead of accepting and allowing myself to remain HERE within and as my human physical body, and excel in that which matters, which is amongst other things to care for myself in real physical time – which implies that I slow down, that I don’t accept and allow myself to stress, to be nervous, to be anxious, and to be fearful

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a constant state of stress, of pushing myself through life as a way of trying to achieve some form of greatness that I believe I must reach, as a point that I’ve created in my mind – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how me pushing for this particular point isn’t effective, and that I am doing it from a starting point of stress, anxiousness and fear – and that I am within this not considering, listening to or caring for my human physical body in anyway whatsoever – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and commit myself to stop running around in my mind, trying to reach something, or become something, or be something, to instead be here in every moment of breath – and to walk my day within and as the physical here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push myself through life from a starting point of fear and anxiety, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become numb to life, and to separate myself from life, wherein I constantly and continuously exist within and as this state of inferiority and feeling that I am inferior to life, and that I thus must prove myself to life, I must become something valid and worthy in the eyes of life before I am able to accept myself and recognize myself, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not unconditionally take a breath and bring myself back here to and as my human physical body – and to unconditionally allow myself to be here within and as my body, to realize that I am chasing ghosts in my mind and in that processing I am in fact destroying my body, which is my life support, which is the point that allows me to be here in this physical reality and experience this world and this moment of breath here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and define going out for a walk, going to the gym, or going swimming as a waste of time, because then I am apparently not producing anything that is of apparent worth, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my definition of worth to be only in relation to money, and in relation to making something out of myself in this system wherein I can be seen by others as special, as unique, as perfect – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and bring myself back here, and accept and allow myself to stop chasing for something – and too realize that I am able to walk and take on points in the system, but that this doesn’t define who I am – because I am here – and I walk within and as the physical and I don’t walk in this state of stress and anxiety as that is simply not a valid way to live

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for, and desire, and want to acquire and retain a position in the matrix of being regarded as superior, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a state of constant stress and anxiety that I won’t be able to reach and attain and withhold such a position in the system, and that accordingly my life will be boring, it will be without passion, it will be without heat, it will simply be a daily routine of walking through my life and doing nothing what-so-ever – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and bring myself back here to and as my human physical body, and within this accept and allow myself to unconditionally stop this stress, to realize that this idea that I must attain a position, it’s a falsity, it’s a creation of my mind and not a actual reality of physical living – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live HERE – and commit myself to make life a expression of here where I do regard my body as the living breathing entity that it in-fact is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed with my plans for the future in relation to career and money, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be fearful of whether or whether not I will achieve a so to speak, “successful” career – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be competitive, and try to win over others, and attempt and try to defeat others, in the belief that the only way I able to gain respect and recognition in this world is through being seen by others as majestic, powerful, effective, and strong and above the normal – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a deep breath and to bring myself back here to and as my human physical body and remove this anxiety, this fear, this nervousness that I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future, and realize that I don’t require to for me to be stable – here with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in this current day and age, to be successful is not a sign of who you are as a human being, it’s all about luck, and it’s all about where you’re born, as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to impress upon, and try to win and prove myself in this world through getting the perfect job, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this is obviously not the way to go, and that in doing this, I will simply miss out on myself, and spend my life in fear and attempting to become, instead of realizing that I can take a breath, and bring myself back here, and within that accept and allow myself to stop searching to find myself here, and be kind to myself here, and physically care for myself and human physically body here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is that I can align myself within and as the understanding that I can walk in this world, but not be of this world – I can make decisions, and walk my process of getting a job, of finishing my education, of getting a career, but not in anyway allowing this to define who I am; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not unconditionally align myself within and as this realization – that I can accept and allow myself to let go of my fears – and live here – because fear sucks practically speaking

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I go into this stress, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand how ridiculous it is that I am fearing my future, that I am fearing what grades I will receive, that I am living in fear, because I mean, what’s the point of living if all I am doing is to fear; as such I commit myself to laugh and to simply take a breath, and shake this fear of and take myself into and as my human physical body

When and as I see that I go into anxiety, fear of the future, and I notice how I become all pumped up within myself because I exist within and as this extreme fear, panicky feeling, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand how ridiculous it is to exist within and as this state of panic and fear – because obviously it doesn’t do anything for me what-so-ever – and thus I commit myself to laugh and to simply myself back here, because I won’t accept and allow myself to live out my life in fear of the future, as I instead will live my life fully in every moment of breath in stability, certainty and self-trust

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Day 74: The Dangerous Future

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience, and define my future as a threat to my existence, and as something that I must protect myself against, and that I must in every moment try to control, and make sure that this future doesn’t destroy my life, and take my off-guard, and make my daily living a hell

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as a belief that I must protect myself against the future, and that the future will unless I protect myself, and make sure that I use every moment to defend myself, that the future will destroy me; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear walking in every moment here – not utilizing the mind to project myself into the future, but remaining here with and as my human physical body – remaining here with and as breath – realizing that this is what is real and that the future is only a plan in my head, it consists of probabilities, and possibilities, but it’s not in-fact here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept and allow myself to be comfortable with my future, and to within this stop, and let go of my fear of survival, and embrace the worst possible outcome, and within this make a commitment to myself, that regardless of where I end up, regardless of how my future will be, that I will stand and direct myself HERE – that I won’t fall into the mind but that I will be stable – participating HERE with and as breath and not going into my mind – but remaining here – remaining stable – remaining consistent – remaining here and realizing that the worst possible outcome is nothing to fear – it’s instead something to stand stable within and as and direct

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practice directing myself – and within this utilizing my imagination to place myself in various positions, and situations, to within this see who I am, and see whether I stand or not – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not place myself in the position of the homeless, in the position of the person that have nothing – and within this commit myself to stand stable here – not accepting and allowing myself to infest any point of perspective in this world with emotions and feelings – but instead seeing everything for what it in-fact is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear and anxiety towards working with money, towards using money, towards establishing my own business and within this taking responsibility for my money in-flux on a whole new level than before, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear walking this point of creating, establishing, and defining a new business for me that I am able to make money with, in fear that the worst possible thing is going to happen – which is that the business is not going to be successful, and that I am not going to be able to earn any money in walking and establishing the business

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that all fears derive from desires – and thus in fearing to fail with my business, there is a hidden desire, and this desire is obviously to protect myself from this world through using money, fearing to face, interact, and see, and experience this world for what it is has become, and trying to use money so that I won’t ever get into a position in this world wherein I don’t have full control, as having money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto fear of survival, and instead of forgiving my fear of survival, try to protect my fear of survival through building my entire life around the point of trying to earn money to protect myself from this world – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not dare myself to face this world head-on – to dare myself to stand up in this world and to walk in this world with no fear – and within this understanding that real power, and real efficacy can only be birthed when and as there is no more fear – when and as I am stand willing to give up everything in order to manifest, and create a new world that is best for all in everyway

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not dare myself, and push myself to give up my life, too as such instead re-direct my life, and living to the point of creating a change, and a new beginning for humanity, and myself as a part of humanity – wherein I do not anymore accept and allow myself to remain stuck in a life of me, me, me – of survival and fear – but that I push myself to expand my horizons, and see that there is so much more to take into consideration – so much more to make sure I get, and I learn, and I then walk to establish

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that there is no point in only existing to survive – that is really meaningless, and it has no impact, and it doesn’t make a difference in regards to creating a new world that is best for all – instead living to survive is detrimental to humanity, and this existence – because in living to survive we as humans go into tunnel-vision and all we see is what we want, and what we feel would benefit us – and we don’t see the consequences of our actions, we don’t see that our words and our living behavior as repercussions, and we only care about what we feel – thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath, and bring myself back here – and re-align my living to creating what is best for all – a world and reality that is truly livable, and that we as humans would like to live in – and not just survive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand, that when and as I accept and allow myself to become possessed with and as fear of survival, and I start to make decisions within and as this fear of survival – this is when I am compromising myself, and my world, I am compromising my common sense, I am compromising my effectiveness and my daily participation and living – because everything I live for, and everything I do is about self-interest, and self-protection, and it’s not about in-fact living

When and as I see I go into fear of survival, and I consequently want to protect myself, to make sure I survive; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that me surviving will not make a difference, will not have impact, will not be of substance, and worth – it will just be – me surviving and then at the end dying anyways; as such I commit myself to stop living to survive – but to instead live fully here – and make the most of my life – and to live my life so as to in-fact make an impact and create a difference

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Day 70: I Am A Solutionist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in stress, and anxiety, and worry about not having enough time to deal with my responsibilities, instead of looking for solutions as to how to free up more time in my day-to-day living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as fear, and go into and as a state of depression, as a state of being down, instead of when I recognize that I have very little time to deal with my responsibilities, and walk my commitments effectively, to look for solutions, and look within my world and see how it is that I am able to direct the points that are here into a state of satisfaction, wherein I am satisfied that I have sufficient with time to deal with all the points I have taken upon myself, and that I thus do not anymore accept and allow myself to wallow in depression, and feeling helpless about my situation, but instead that I immediately act to sort out my reality and make sure that I do have enough time to direct my responsibilities, and walk my commitments effectively

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself go into worry, fear, anxiety when I notice that I lack time, and that there is a problem in my world, instead of looking at solutions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become caught within and as a state of depression, as feeling helpless that there is nothing I am able to do in order to sort out my reality; instead of being self-honest with myself and seeing that there are things I am able to do to assist and support myself, it’s just that I need to recognize this point, and then act upon it; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not assist and support myself to establish solutions, and make that a automated pattern, wherein I immediately look for solutions within myself when and as I am facing problems in my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the thought in my mind saying that: “there is nothing I am able to do” – instead of realizing that this is self-manipulation, for me to remain within and as a state of apathy, and depression, instead of immediately taking myself to look at practical solutions, to practically sort out my world to make sure that I do not anymore remain within and as a state of being dissatisfied with myself, and my reality, but that I embrace, and walk solutions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to fear, worry, and concern, instead of directing myself to establish and walk solutions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist, and give into the resistance, of not wanting to look at solutions, but instead getting caught within myself, looking at problems, and making my problems these enormous, big, and daunting points that I am apparently not able to do something about, instead of pushing myself to establish and look for solutions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as a pattern of deliberately limiting myself to only exist in a state of blame, thinking that the fact that I have problems in my world is not my fault, but it’s the fault of the problems, it’s the fault of this big, bad world, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply not see, that this is self-manipulation for me to not face myself, and to push myself to remain diligent and effective in my process, and to walk through the points that arise in my world, and to make sure that I don’t accept my problems, and settle for my problems, but that I move myself to solution, to what is best for all, to establishing a point of stability in my world wherein I do not anymore hold unto the mind, as fear, but that I move myself into and as a state of solution

When and as I see that I am going into and as a state of helplessness and depression, because I am facing a problem in my world, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I look at what is the solution, how am I able to support myself to move through this point, and stabilize myself in my world; as such I commit myself to become a solution finder, and a solutionist and stop glorifying problems, and believing that I am inferior to problems, and instead take the necessary steps to sort out my world and reality, and myself, so that I am able to solve and direct what is here into and as what is best for all

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