Category Archives: Journey To Life

Day 402: Holding Back and Imprisoning Myself

In this blog post I am going to bring up a couple of interviews that was done recently on Eqafe – more specifically: Holding Back and Imprisoning My Life – Life Review and Holding Back and Imprisoning My Life – Life Review – Part 2.

What is discussed in these interviews is daring to take the step into the unknown, pushing oneself to not hold back, beyond one’s perceived self-image – and actually CREATING oneself. The woman in the interview did not dare to do so, and she shares why, and what others in similar positions as her can do to not make the same mistakes.

As far as taking this point back to my own life – what I see is that I can definitely push myself more intensely when it comes to taking charge of myself in situations, voicing myself, and sharing who I am, and how I see that a point can be approached. My general tendency would be to hold back, and not speak, and to allow what is going on. However – that has many times led to me making compromises – me agreeing with things that I see are not working – me doing things, participating in projects, following people and pursuing ideas, that I see are not worthwhile – because I do not dare to open up and bring my voice to the table. Thus – this is something that I will push and practice.


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Day 401: A Dramatic Unfolding of Events

Lately I have been walking through a fascinating point with regards to the emotional experience of betrayal. Before this, I did not consider myself a particularly sensitive, dramatic or emotional person, however, while this might be so in certain contexts, I definitely still have points to work with in other contexts.

This particular point opened up when I invited a friend to come and stay with me over the weekend. We agreed on a date, though, shortly before he was supposed to come over, my friend cancelled and told me that he had other responsibilities to tend to and could not make it. My initial reaction was that of worry/fear, believing that there was something wrong with me that had caused my friend to cancel. Then followed a reaction of feeling betrayed by my friend, because I felt as if he had promised me that he would meet up, and now broken that promise, and that feeling of betrayal in turn became resentment and anger.

Now, when this happened within me, I was pretty much taken by surprise, because I usually do not react like this. Though, on the other hand, I seldom invite anyone over, and I have not ever been a person to naturally ‘put myself out there’ when it comes to friends and relationships – hence the entire situation was a little bit out of character as to my part within it. Regardless, the final stage of this chain of reactions within me was blame, and while in this state of blame, my mind fervently began looking for ways through which I could take my revenge. These plots usually contained some way in which I rejected my friend and ‘made him feel what I had felt’.

Obviously, I could see clearly the insanity of what was going on inside of me, and I think the reason for this is because I am on average not very emotional. I am instead, most often, levelheaded and stable – and I do not accept and allow myself to use the relationships I have in my life to wind me up emotionally. I started looking at this point that I was walking through – I began applying self-forgiveness – and I could see, realize and understand a few underlying themes within me that were creating this experience.

Firstly, I could see that in relationships, especially those of friendships, I am still holding unto a sense of inferiority – where I feel that I am fortunate and lucky to be able to spend time with the other person, and secretly, deep within me, feel that I do not really deserve it. This belief then creates a tendency within me to compromise and change myself with others to make sure that they like me and that I retain the friendship. Seeing this, I realized that one important point that I will have to change is HOW I approach relationships. I cannot accept and allow a inequality within me, in the sense that I am either less, or more, than the other person, and that I hence have to fight, or that the other person have to fight, to retain the connection. In order for me to be stable in relationships, the approach must be one of equality, where I share myself, naturally, as who I am with another, and also realizing that whether the connection leads to a deeper connection or not, that is not something that I can control.

Secondly, I could see, realize and understand that in order to grow and expand when it comes to relationships in my life, I have to be the one that takes the initiative, and invite, communicate, push to share and give of myself, and at times, that will not be reciprocated, and other times it will. However, what is important to remember is that I cannot accept and allow MY expression within it all to change depending on whether my approaches are reciprocated or not – it must be something that I do from within and as a starting point of self-trust, self-love and self-worth – and where it hence does not matter how others will respond.

Thirdly, I could see that what this entire situation has shown me, is that I still have a lot of work to be done on my self-image and self-value – and hence I have pushed myself to be grateful for the various patterns that have opened up within and through this event – and utilized this way of approaching my reactions to let go of blame and resentment. Because I know that it is never about others, it is always about myself, and my relationship with myself.


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Day 400: Dialect

When I was younger I had quite a few experiences with people making fun of the way I pronounced words. The reason that people found my dialect funny or strange was due to the fact that I initially lived in one part of the country, where one particular dialect was used, and then I moved to another part of the country, where another form of dialect was used. Because my dialect differed in comparison to the ‘normal’ way of speaking in that particular part of the country, I was subject to much ridicule and mockery.

I took much of this personally and started to feel ashamed of the way I spoke and to this day I still become conscious and react through feeling hurt when someone remarks on the way I speak. Obviously, the way I feel and react is not something that I can blame on another – it is my responsibility to direct my inner world and it is not something that I can place upon anyone else. Thus – a solution that I see that can be applied in the moment as I have this reaction is to remind myself that – it is not about anyone else – I react because I have created that reaction – and hence taking it personally does not make any sense what-so-ever. Rather – I take a deep breath and look within myself to understand how come I have placed so much value unto ‘fitting in’ in the sense of speaking the same way as everyone else.

Another point that I see with regards to the reactions I experience in relation to dialect, is that there is a certain element of wanting to be accepted – wanting to fit in and be the same as everyone else – and there is as well an element of feeling secure/safe/comfortable when I know that I am the same and do not stick out. However – this is a limitation – because can I ever really express ME if I am trying to be like someone else? Can I ever really express ME when I am worried that I will not be like everyone else?

The answer is clearly NO – in order for me to express me and be free – I will have to let go of the comforting experience that I have associated with being the same as everyone else. If I want to live for real – I will have to stand as myself – and not accept and allow myself to continuously attempt and try to find some sense of belonging in a group of people.

Hence – self-forgiveness and self-commitment statements on this point:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being strange, to fear sticking out, to fear being noticed, to fear being seen and defined as different, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back, and suppress myself, to make sure that I remain within the confines of my own self-created limitation – so that I do not head out into the unknown and become too strange, too off, and hence become judged/bullied by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in feeling hurt when someone remarks on my dialect, the way I speak and pronounce words, by for example, imitating the way I speak, and hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this feeling of hurt is not real – because why would I be hurt because someone else reacts to the way I speak? What does how I speak and pronounce words have to do with them? It is my decision the way I express and share myself – and this has got nothing to do with anyone else – and hence I see, realize and understand that any fear or reaction that comes up within me – it is my own point and not something that I justify by thinking that it is someone else’s false

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in feeling hurt when someone remarks on my way of pronouncing words, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent on others to feel comfortable and at ease, to become dependent on being like, the same, or similar to others for me to feel comfortable with myself – and within this loose sight of myself – and the understanding within myself that I really do not need another by my side for me to stand stable and live myself and my life effectively – and hence – I do not need and require a confirmation from another that the way I am speaking is ‘correct’, ‘good’, ‘as it should be’ – because I can stand that point for myself – and hence I commit myself to ask myself, and feel within myself, whether I am satisfied and content with the way I am speaking or not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent on others to be in a particular way towards me, where they tell me that I am good enough, where they say that my way of doing things, living, expressing and moving about is acceptable, is alright, and as it should be, believing that I cannot stand that point of for and as myself – and hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need someone else to stand that point for me of me being comfortable with myself – instead of me making the decision that I will stand – that I will live – that I will walk and express ME regardless of how others feel about it – that when I see common sense – I will stand by it – even though others might not do it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be sensitive of others judgments/ideas/experiences/critique/remarks about me or what I am doing – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that I have developed this fearful and anxious relationship when it comes to doing my thing, expressing myself when that expression is not the same, or accepted by society, that I give up, I give in, and I remain in a state of fear and anxiety, instead of going for it, and not accepting and allowing myself to become defined by the judgments of others – that are in-fact so superficial and does not mean anything in the long run anyway

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not dare standing with and as myself when people do not agree with me, do not like what I am doing, become irritated with me, or talk shit behind my back, to push myself to stabilize and stand in such moments with what I see is common sense and to not accept and allow myself to be affected and use self-forgiveness and self-commitment statements to stabilize myself and to remain on course – on my purpose – on what I have decided to do and walk in this lifetime – and not accept and allow myself to limit myself and hold myself back in fear

When and as I see myself going into fear of rejection and judgment, or see myself react in feeling hurt because others remark on the way I speak and pronounce words, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I have limited myself – contained myself in a small state of inferiority – because I fear standing up as an equal – because I know that would mean conflict and disagreements and that everyone would not be my ‘friends’ – and hence I see, realize and understand that in order for me to fully in my life and express me wholly – I have to push through this fear and learn/practice/live standing by myself even though I am afraid of doing so – and push through my fears; and thus I commit myself to push through my fears of being different and practice expressing myself as common sense and what is best for all even though nobody else understands it or agrees with it


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Day 399: Office Relationships

Relationships at work and earlier, at school, have most of the times been a tricky business for me. On the one hand I have clearly seen that the relationships have been superficial, that I have been put together with these individuals involuntarily, and that it is hence less than likely that I would be able to connect and develop a deep and substantial relationship. On the other hand, I have also seen that it is up to me what I make out of the relationship, and I have as well desired to be likable, popular, and have ‘many friends’. The problem with the latter is that in order to have ‘many friends’ – I am required to be a social chameleon and literally change myself depending on who I am interacting with in order to assure a positive response from the other person.

At this stage, I find neither of these approaches very satisfying, because I do want to get to know my colleagues, understand them, learn from them, and utilize my time at work to live and stand as an example – and hence if possible assist and support my colleagues to make a change within their lives for the better. However, I also want to be stable and grounded and not become obsessed about maintaining and worrying about how others see me, whether I am receiving the right remarks or not. In other words, I want to be the maker of my relationships, I want to establish the principles from which I approach office relationships, and I want to make the best out of it and not lose my integrity or sense of self in the process.

One point that I have applied that works very well for me, especially in moments where I feel that the relationships at work are not offering the desired depth and substance, is that I look at the words my colleagues are embodying that I in turn could take on and live in my life. This application is interesting, because in slowing down and really looking at the expression of my colleagues, the words they are sharing does not matter as much, rather it is their entire expression, how they come through in their entirety, that becomes important. And in this I have been able to see how I am able to live new words in my life. For example, one of my colleagues is very much light-hearted yet still intense and focused. She carries herself with ease, yet is very much focused and intensely invested in whatever she is participating within. Another one of my colleagues is serious, deep, principled and courageous; she stands by a few principles and ideas and does not hesitate to voice herself. Yet another one is fearless and unworried as to what others thinks of her – she does not allow hierarchies and what is ‘right and wrong’ stand in her way of creating what she see’s would be best for herself.

Hence – I can learn a lot from my colleagues, that is for certain. However, it is also important to remember the primary reason as to why I am at the office – which is to be a part of the organization and participate in moving the organization to fulfill its intended purpose/responsibility in the world system. As with any company and organization, there are many, many people dependent on my daily effort and the effectiveness of the organization as a whole – which is why it is integral to make sure that office relationships does not take the upper hand – but that I remain focused on my primary responsibilities – my primary purpose – and where I MATTER the most to myself, others and the organization as a whole.

In the Eqafe interview Behind the Scenes of Office Politics – Life Review – it is suggested to align office relationships according the following principles (I have made some additions based on my own experience in applying the suggestions in the interview):

  • Investigate and research how your position in the organization interrelates to those of your colleagues – and then make sure that what takes priority is tending to and directing your responsibilities in the organization. Then systematically align your relationships in the organization according to what is of primary importance and keep the bigger picture in mind – where it is about the having the organization move and fulfill its purpose.
  • Always keep a clean slate with your colleagues – push to be the best that you can be; do not accept and allow gossip and reactive behavior from yourself regardless of how others are against you. Remember that what others say or do defines who they are – not you.
  • Do not develop personal relationships with people that accept and allow gossiping or other forms of nasty or destructive behavior – keep it systematic instead. Make the decision to align with people that you see care about their work, that care about doing the best that they can do, that care about expanding themselves – and that want to improve themselves and their future career prospects. Utilize such relationships to empower yourself and the other – to learn more – to give more – to mutually expand – to mutually become better – and to in the end – improve and empower the organization as a whole.
  • Learn from ALL of your colleagues. If you react, be grateful, and bring that reaction back to self, investigate it, find the origin and correct the point. See, realize and understand that ALL colleagues have something to offer in terms of showing you an expression/application/skill that you are able to copy and apply in your own life to empower yourself. Hence – even though you systematize relationships – be open to learn from and see who and how others are within themselves.

For anyone struggling with office relationships, or that are interested in improving them, and acquiring some sound principles as to how to approach and direct them, I also suggest the following interview:

Building Business Relationships – The Soul of Money


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Day 398: Purpose Has Left The Building

What is my purpose? Am I on the right track, or… have I missed my purpose? Have I failed to do what I should in my life? Is it too late for me? This feels so right, is this my purpose? Where is my purpose? Who is my purpose? What should I do to understand and learn about my purpose?

Recognize yourself in these? I do – these questions above are what have been circulating over and over again each time I have tried to open up and develop the point of purpose to a grounded and practical living application. Due to the extensive usage of purpose in our world, where this word has been given, almost, magical attributes, and where we are from a young age trained to look out our lives in terms of finding ‘our way’ – ‘our career’ – ‘what we are going to do when become old’ – it has been very difficult for me to use the word purpose effectively. It became such a big thing for me – so important – so grandiose – I just had to select ‘the right’ purpose – and obviously that felt extremely difficult because that purpose would apparently ‘define the rest of my life’.

Hence – PURPOSE has played its part to describe living in meaningful and fulfilling life through daily practical application – and another word has entered into my life – MATTER.

It was through listening to the Eqafe interview Purpose Has Left The Building that I could see and understand that purpose was not the word I needed to bring out the best in myself – and hence I suggest for anyone interested in reexamining their relationship to meaningful living to take a listen this interview. Because in looking for purpose – we miss the very point of LIVING with purpose – which should be about living in a way where ALL the small moments of LIFE are given attention and recognition – where our life MATTERS – and each moment MATTER – and is used/lived in a way that is meaningful.

Is it not, that all we are looking for in our lives when we try to establish our purpose, is fulfillment and meaning? We want there to be something MORE but only ourselves, and our own small petty problems/desires/wants/wishes/hopes – we want LIFE to MEAN something. Though, why do we first need a purpose to give LIFE and ourselves MEANING – when we can simply make the decision HERE – to MATTER? It does not make sense – and hence I will stop looking for my purpose and instead – through living the word MATTER – make my life purposeful.


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Day 397: Why Matter Matters

I matter – what does that mean? What does it mean for me to matter to myself? How can I matter in my daily living, in the simple things, in the regular, everyday stuff? These are questions that have opened up for me recently as I have begun to investigate the word MATTER.

The word MATTER is interesting – it is both a noun and a verb; MATTER as a noun is the physical – an earthly manifestation that is HERE – MATTER as a verb – as I MATTER is me making the decision to matter – to live in a way where things have meaning, purpose, depth and importance. Living matter is about making the small moments count. When I wake up in the morning – it is about waking up in a way that honors me as MATTER – where I make sure to for example – not oversleep – not accept and allow myself to be lethargic and depressed as I head to the kitchen to prepare breakfast for myself, not linger in emotional or feeling experiences but rather – immediately push myself to establish a solution.

Something that matters is by its very definition important and valuable – it is an integral part – a point that cannot be sidestepped or pushed to the side – because then the entirety will not be as efficient and great as it could have been. When I decide that I will live MATTER and bring this word through in all areas of my life – what happens is that actions/events that I would normally have viewed as a waste of time, unnecessary, unimportant, insignificant, becomes important and significant – becomes building blocks of self – because the reality of the situation is, that in building my character – ALL MOMENTS are equally important – ALL moments MATTER – because I am here in the PHYSICAL – and a integral part in all of them.

Hence – there are different ways/methods in which things can be approached – and here I am talking about the daily things such as waking up, preparing breakfast, taking a shower in the morning, driving for work, being at work and participating in the various tasks associated with that – that is to say – DAILY MENIAL TASKS. Those daily tasks can either be approached as a mundane, trite and monotonous events that I simply have to get through – or get done as soon as I am able to so that I can have time left over to just relax – OR – they can be approached as important building blocks of my life and by implication ME – that I can participate within FULLY and WHOLLY – and through that LEARN/EXPAND/EMPOWER myself and OTHERS – as I push myself to live in such a way that ALL of my life MATTERS.

The biggest challenge towards changing my approach and making life MATTER in all its aspects is the emotional experience of blasé/complacency – feeling bored with repetition – and hence not making the decision to live to my utmost but simply live in a way that I have always done because – hey – it gets the work done. Its easy to justify feeling bored about life – it is easy to justify feeling that life is hard, dull, without excitement or fulfillment – because everything is just about work and survival – it is very easy – THOUGH – that does not make it true, neither does it make it acceptable. Because – look – as children we were able to make even the smallest, tiniest and most minute parts of our day MATTER – and it was not because everything was new to us back then – it was because of HOW we approached it; children approach things with PRESENCE and they interact with their reality HERE – and when you live in such a way – LIFE opens up in a completely different way – because now processes of expansion/learning/movement starts to naturally flow and come forth even in the most quotidian of tasks.

Making things MATTER is a matter of PRINCIPLE and DECISION – things will not matter unless we decide that they do – our breakfast, how we prepare our food, what we eat, and how we eat will not be important unless we decide that it is. Caring for and tending to our ourselves, relationships, animals, properties, work will not be important unless we decide that it is. Hence – living matter is to make the decision to value and treat what is here with respect and consideration – it is to understand that in each moment we are interacting with matter – and that matters – and if we embrace and make that consideration and respect a part of ourselves – our reward will be a fulfilling life with purpose and depth – words that so many of us feel that we are currently lacking.

 


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Day 396: Processing At Work

The office I find to be one of the most challenging environments within which to remember and apply the tools of process; breathing, self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements and self-corrective application. While at the office, I find it to be very, very easy to loose myself in a rushed state – and illusion of time constraints where I become convinced by my own belief that I literally do not have any time left whatsoever to be utilized for my process.

For example let us say that I have a reaction at work; anxiety comes up in relation to finishing a particular task that has been assigned to me. The common sense in such a moment would be to stop up, take a breath, look at this anxiety, apply a fitting line of self-forgiveness, find a corrective word to live, and then apply it, and continue walking. Having such a simple approach each time there is a reaction within me that I have difficulty to stop on the go would make A LOT of difference for me. However, because I have this illusion of hurry within me – I do not take those moments that would be so good for me to do.

An interesting point that I have noticed is that usually, there is time available at work to stop up and deal with inner experiences that open up. Though I have to use my time effectively. And here I have seen that while at work, there is a tendency to spend the time I do have available on things such as coffee breaks, long lunches, etc. – breaks that could be shortened where time would be released that I could instead utilize to apply the tools of process and move myself forward within myself in relation to what I am going through. Potentially, I could instead of using my lunch break to eat and then sit and talk about something that have no real meaning or depth to it, go and write in my journal for a moment, and outline my inner process for that day in words – which would also be really assisting and supportive for me to remain stable and efficient in dealing with what comes up within me.

Thus – I have realized that learning to apply process while participating in the normal everyday things and responsibilities of life holds the key of moving fast and efficiently through what comes up within me. I always have the tools with me, it is simply a matter of remembering them, and applying them, and then doing it over and over again until I have come through. Work is no excuse for not walking process, having many responsibilities is no excuse for not walking process, being a parent with young children is no excuse for not walking process – because process is ALWAYS here – it is simply a matter of making the decision to bring process HERE.

 


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