Day 381: A Moment With Many Dimensions

I walked through an interesting experience at work that revealed many points and it played out as follows. I was sitting with one of my superiors, to whom I usually feel inferior. We were together working on a project, and my superior asked me some questions, which I answered, in that state of inferiority/fear – with a low voice – slightly held back. It was a short answer. And now comes the interesting part, at the meeting, one of my new colleagues was present, which my superior also asked the same questions. My colleague answered with confidence, self-assurance, and I was surprised at the depth and understanding with which he spoke. This made me feel insecure and fearful, as well as jealous. I wanted to be the one to shine around my superior and show off – however – because of inferiority and fear – as well as polarized desire to impress – I was not able to express myself genuinely and to my full potential.

I see that inferiority and fear in relation to authorities is self-debilitating. I see that wanting approval from authorities is self-debilitating. I also see that my expression/movement at work should not be motivated by comparison – or rather – not the form of criticism/emotional comparison/competition that I have become used to – rather – I can use others as positive references to develop and refine my skills. For example with my colleague, I can take him as an example when it comes to speaking with self-assurance and self-confidence – and also take him as an example when it comes to trusting my own seeing and realizations – however then not to move myself in order to win or prove myself – but to move myself in such a way that I expand and grow as a person.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become emotional, to judge myself, and criticize myself harshly when I react in inferiority/fear around my superior, and when I suppress myself because of this inferiority fear, because I fear that I have then not made a good impression on my superior, and I want and desire to make a good impression, to feel that I am worthy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not making a good impression on my superior, to fear not being accepted by my superior, to fear that one of my colleagues will make a better appearance, express himself more eloquently, and effectively – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing and being judged as second best

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be judged as the best by my superior – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto insecurity, to believe of myself to be less than, to believe of myself that I need the support, the understanding, the love from others to make it, that I need someone to reassure me, that I am doing good, that my decisions, that my way of expressing and moving myself at work, that it is sufficient, and that it is okay

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete against my colleagues and want to show off so that I can feel that I am the best – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this way of living is motivated by fear and insecurity – I am trying to show how good I am because I do not trust myself – because I do not value myself – and because I feel that I am in need of another, especially my superiors, to recognize my strengths, my abilities, my style of working, to have them say, that I am really good and effective at what I do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in unhealthy competition, which is a competition where I judge myself, hate myself, because I feel that I have lost, and I drive myself to win, only to feel superior, more than, and above others, instead of participating in creating a healthy competition where I accept and allow myself to see and learn from others, to take the strengths of others and make them my own, to take the powers of others and expand upon them and grow as a person for my own sake, because I want to grow as my own person – I want to become the best me for and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior towards and push away my colleague, because I fear him, that he is better than me, and that he will take away my value and outshine me, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I am existing in a state of fear, thus not seeing the actual value of this moment, how I am able to learn a lot from X – because he is really good at somethings that I am not very good at – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach others from a starting point of fighting, of trying to win so that I can feel good about myself for a moment – instead of moving myself to for my own sake, and so that I later can share this with the world, expand myself to grow as a person and become more

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself when I feel that I am being outmatched by another – and to believe that I am then a loser – and that I must at all costs push myself to take back my position – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I am in-fact existing in a complete delusion, a self-limitation, where everything becomes about winning, and proving myself in relation to others, instead of me getting to know myself, and seeing what I would like to do/express/live for and as myself – where it is not necessarily built upon what others do or do not do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to increase my self-value through feeling on top of and better than others – and hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not good enough when I am just an equal, when I living HERE in equality – to believe that there must be something added to me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace my equal value and worth – to see that my equal value and worth is HERE as who I am – and that it is not something that is dependent upon me receiving attention or being seeing or liked by my superior – or me being able to outshine my colleague and better than him or her

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior towards my colleague because I perceive him to be very direct, confident, and clear, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not instead learn from my colleague, to observe, and to look at how my colleague is living and expressing himself – so that I can apply this within myself and my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to my superiors and worry/fear how they might see me, and what they might think about me, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to be fired, or isolated, because I am not perceived as a likable individual – and hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on having others liking me – instead of placing my focus HERE in looking at how I am able to expand – push myself – and move forward within my life to create myself to become a human-being with integrity and strength – and with care for humanity and this world – with care to create something that is best for all

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself going into inferiority/fear, and I hold myself back, through speaking with a lower voice, through limiting and hold back my physical body expression, literally diminishing myself, in relation to a superior, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this way of living is not worthwhile – that it does not allow me to live and express a supportive/efficient/enjoyable life – because I am not really sharing myself one and equal – I am hiding; and thus I commit myself to straighten my back, look up in the eyes of my superior, and speak with a clear and stable voice, and share myself one and equal, thus living the words of confidence, equality, and self-assurance

When and as I see myself becoming worried as to what my superior think of me, whether I have overstepped a line, done too much, or too little, whether I am in some way or another not satisfying my superior, I stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that this tendency within me of accepting and allowing myself to be overly concerned as to what others think of me, that it limits me, and especially with my superiors, it puts me down, when I could have embraced my equality, and simply shared myself one and equal with no fears or anxieties – and thus I commit myself to share myself as an equal – to stop overthinking and analyzing who I am in relationship with another – and instead live equality and oneness HERE practically through sharing myself openly, with a clear and stable voice, sharing myself when there is something I would like to say, and not holding myself back


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Day 380: Enforcing A HELL-thy Lifestyle

The Problem

Today I faced a situation where I got to experience a less pleasurable side of myself. I am going to call this side of myself the ‘coach’-character – because what happened is that I started to coach and push my partner to do a certain thing that I perceived to be healthy. When my partner responded negatively, instead of asking why, or simply letting the point go, my attempts to get my partner unto the ‘right path’ intensified, because I perceived myself as knowing/seeing what would be the best and most healthy option for my partner. Obviously, in retrospect I am able to see that the entire moment was created because of how I have misaligned my relationship to coaching/pushing/supporting others, and to the word health – and in the following blog I am going to walk through these misalignment’s and establish solutions that I am able to live instead.

When Coaching Becomes Forcing

Coaching becomes forcing when I am trying to create/will an outcome without consideration, without being humble, without seeing the other person, where they are at, and what would be best for them. Hence, forcing comes through when I have my own personal agenda, when the support is not unconditional. Because when I have an agenda, a mission to complete, a goal to reach, then suddenly, in my mind it makes a lot more sense to force, because then I have something to lose if I do not.

However, the notion that I have something to lose if my support (what I perceive is best) does not come through the way I have imagined, that is a misaligned understanding of what it means to support. Because then it is not anymore support, then it is gratifying my own self-interest, and using the word support as an excuse to be able to continue. Obviously, support, to be what is best for all, must be done unconditionally, it must be done without a goal, desire, a personal investment in anyway what so ever, because a personal investment will cloud my clarity – and make it difficult for me to see what kind of support the person really needs.

In the case with my partner, I wanted her to do something that I perceived as healthy. My point of self-interest within this was that I wanted/desired to have a healthy and strong partner with an active lifestyle. Because I held unto my self-interest I did not hear or see my partner and where she was at, as she did not have the strength to pursue the particular activity at the moment. If I would have been clear in my starting point, this is where I could have dropped the entire point, however because I was personally vested, I pushed the point even further, and became forceful.

Solution: When I see that I can support another with a point, I make sure that I am clear and there is no personal investment, no desire, no fear, that is motivating me to achieve a particular result, because I know, that if this is the case, my support will be tainted and not unconditional. Hence – I commit myself to clear myself using self-forgiveness and writing – and to first when I stand stable – offer my unconditional support to another and give as I would like to receive.

When health becomes a HELL

Health, a word with so many meanings and that have become excessively abused in this world, causing a lot of pain and misery for many, many people. The problem with how we have defined health is that health is seen as one state, one ideal, one way of living/being/looking, and that if we are able to compress/alter/change our life/ourselves to fit into this lifestyle of health, then we are apparently healthy. However, a big problem with this way of approaching health is that we are not considering that what might be healthy for one person, can be completely unhealthy for another.

This is what I did with my partner, as I had a particular idea that it is healthy to go out and walk for a moment. And sure, that might be so in a certain context. If I am otherwise in a good shape, not sick, I have the time, and there are no other barriers, it is usually supportive to go out for a walk. However, in my partners context, she did not feel physically rested, and she instead felt that it would be best for her to remain indoors and sleep. Because of my limited definition/understanding of health – I reacted – and thought: ‘But that is not healthy? I must help my partner to do the healthy thing’.

Since then I have reflected on the word healthy – what is real health? Having a fit body does not define health – eating only vegetables does not define health – because health is obviously something much more expansive – it is not only related to physical looks, food and exercise routines. What is more important is WHO WE ARE as human beings and how we relate to our human physical bodies – where a healthy approach would be to listen and be aware of how our physical bodies respond and feel to who we are in our minds and to what we eat and how we move ourselves – and acting/living in such a way that we support our bodies to reach its utmost potential. And that potential does necessarily imply that we have abs, toned bodies and that we only eat green, vegetarian food – rather health and the way our bodies express as health will be different and unique to each body – and will also reflect the beings individuality that inhabits the body.

Thus – in this moment with my partner – my partner was healthy when she made the decision to sleep – as that was what my partners body required in that moment to be able to express and function at its full potential.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit the word health through defining it as eating vegetables, working out and staying away from sugar – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not expand the word health, to move it, and make it part of my life, and as such give it a holistic, all encompassing definition, where it is not only about looking good, and eating good, but also about WHO I AM

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit how I live health through only focusing on my body – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that health is also about who I am within my mind, within my thoughts, who I am within my daily movement and direction, who I am within making decisions, it is the entirety of me, where I can support myself to stand within my full potential (living healthy) in all areas of my life instead of merely being concerned with how my body looks like and what I eat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge certain foods as healthy, and other foods as unhealthy, and within this separate myself from certain types of food, and not eat them, even though my body is showing me through hunger/urges/movements that it wants a particular type of food that I have defined as unhealthy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I cannot understand food through labeling it as either healthy or unhealthy – because food – as with all physical parts of this reality – is multidimensional and has a different purpose/function/value depending on the context in which it is existing – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the physical instead of standing with and as my physical and interacting with it directly – immediately – not relating to it through thinking/experiencing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not expand health and make it a part of myself – not something separate that I must reach and attain through eating ‘healthy food’ and doing ‘healthy stuff’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define health according to what is said and written in various news papers that profess that they know what health is and how health can be reached – instead of looking within me and redefining health according to my own understanding of health – and then live health in my life in a way that is supportive and that enhances and builds me instead of destroying me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force another to do what I perceive is best – instead of understanding – learning – and being humble – to see who another is and within this also come to terms with the point that I do not necessarily know what is best for another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force my view and idea of things unto others and expect them to live and behave according to how I have defined ‘what is best’ within me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be open and humble to learning new perspectives – seeing things differently – understanding that I might not know exactly what is best – what direction to go – and how to be healthy – and that thus – it is important for me to take a breath – relax and bring myself back here into and as my human physical body – and approach the situation from within and as a stable and grounded starting point where I am open and ready to learn something new

Self-commitment statements

Solution with regards to Forcing

When and as I see myself trying to impose, push, force my way of thinking, seeing things, understanding things, and I have a reaction, that motivates me to continue to argument, and force, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that in forcing, I am merely living out my own reactions, trying to have others adhere to how I experience things, thus, not supporting others to live to their utmost potential – and hence I see that this is not something that I would have wanted others to do towards me – as I would have wanted them to support me unconditionally and without their own agenda and personal investment in the point; hence I commit myself to stop my reactions and ground myself – and make sure – that if I decide to support another – that I am clear, stable and grounded – and that I speak and support from a starting point of genuinely caring for another and that they expand themselves and move to become the best that they can be

Solution to misalignment with regards to Health

I commit myself to live and apply the word health in my life with the following definition: Health is when I assist and support myself, mentally and physically, to be the best that I can be – and I do this through listening to myself and my body – being aware of what I am going through and what would be best for me – being fully and wholly open to all directions and not judging any part of the physical as ‘unhealthy’ and per definition avoiding it – hence not relying on ideas, ideals, diets and similar concepts.


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Day 379: Investigating Glee

In Sweden there is this saying, ‘glee is the only the real form of happiness that there is’. For me, this statement has held some truth, because for some reason, I have had a tendency of enjoying the displeasure/harm/discomfort of others a lot – sometimes a lot more than other forms of humor. I have not seen this as a problem, because I have felt as if the laughter coming from within and as glee has been unconditional and innocent – something I cannot really help – it just happens. However in looking deeper at this point, I have come to see that this laughter is only a veneer that covers deeper and at times more malicious intentions.

In looking at the general context in which I experience glee, I have been able to locate a couple of recurring elements. Firstly, the person at which the glee is directed (the trigger person/point) is showing something that I perceive to be a emotional or physical weakness, secondly I feel empowered/superior to the ‘trigger person’ because of this weakness. When these two elements come together at the same time I experience a intoxicating and bubbly feeling, that emerge from my chest, and that come through as laughter. The sound of the laughter is monotonous and more high pitched than my normal natural laughter.

Because the glee has come through physically as laughter I have justified its existence thinking that I cannot help myself, it is a natural expression, part of who I am, and I cannot do anything to change it. However, I am able to see that it is not innocent. It is a form of separation, where I am not emphatic with the person that triggers the glee. I do not see what he or she is going by standing in their shoes, I rather see the situation as entertainment and as something that empowers me. And obviously, when someone is having a difficult moment, this does not make me more than in anyway what-so-ever – and neither is the situation/moment entertaining.

The solution that I can see is to be emphatic and push myself to see the situation through standing in the shoes of the receiving person (‘trigger person/point’) – hence see it through their eyes and not my own – to allow myself to experience what they are going through and not watch it from a starting point of separation.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience, go into, and express glee when people in my life show what I perceive to be emotional or physical weaknesses

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not relate to others and their difficulties from a starting point of oneness and equality – but to see myself as separate – and see their plight as entertainment – instead of standing one and equal and seeing the situation by standing in their shoes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand in the shoes of another and experience life from their perspective – to thus stop viewing life as separate from me, to view people as separate from me, to view the system as separate from me, and apparently there for my entertainment and my pleasure

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become gleeful when things go badly for others instead of seeing the consequence as them – seeing the situation as them – and within this seeing their pain as my own – and relate to the situation from such a starting point of oneness and equality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become gleeful instead of being emphatic and seeing the situation as a part of myself and not as something separate that is here to entertain me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the misfortunes of others as entertainment – instead of standing as empathy and relating to the people – seeing them as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel empowered and superior when and as I perceive that another is showing emotional, physical or feeling weaknesses

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to laugh, enjoy myself, and amuse myself at the expense of another, when and as I perceive myself to be more powerful than another, due to a perceived emotional or physical weakness in another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself justify laughing and amusing myself within and as glee thinking that laughter and amusement is always innocent, is always trustworthy, and it is something that I can always do without harming or influencing another negatively – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question myself, to question all of my experiences, all of what I am, seeing, realizing and understanding that I will only ever know what is real, if I question and then see the very origin of the point within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify laughing and amusing myself at the expense of another thinking that it is innocent and without a ulterior motive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify glee thinking that it is innocent

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept and allow glee in my life, as a normal part of my life, because in my family, glee was a normal part of life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I cannot use my family as a benchmark for what is acceptable and what is not acceptable – because my family has not proven themselves in writing – showing that their nature stands within and as the principle of what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop glee within me when it arise and instead apply empathy – to see the pain, discomfort of another as one and equal and not as a separate point of amusement or entertainment – but as a part of myself – and thus approach from within the context of looking at how I am able to ameliorate and move this pain into a solution

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself becoming gleeful, as I am faced with a trigger point, such as a person that is exposing something that I perceive to be a emotional or physical weakness, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand – that gleefulness is not supportive – it me using the pain and discomfort of others as entertainment and to feel empowered – obviously that is not a supportive solution and it does not change a thing for the person experiencing the discomfort – and hence – I commit myself to change this point to instead stand as empathy – to see the point of perceived weakness as my own – to not separate myself from it – and then move myself to find solutions to direct this weakness into and as a strength – and move the moment to become a moment building towards a world that is best for all


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Day 378: The Art of NOT Teasing

Teasing, something that I have grown up, and that has been a part of my family dynamics since as far back as I can remember. Unfortunately, teasing, all though at certain times it is something that can be enjoyable for both the giver and receiver, is too many times done inappropriately – at least – this has been the case with me. And I have begun to question WHO I AM within teasing and consequences of this way of expressing myself when I do it  without considering or being receptive to the responses of another.

Let me first properly define teasing, so we all know what I am talking about. These are some of the relevant dictionary definitions of the word.

  • To make fun of (someone) playfully or taunt annoyingly.
  • To say in a playful or mocking way.

Teasing becomes problematic when it is done from within and as a starting point of self-interest, then instead of being a playful moment of interaction, it becomes about enticing (manipulating) a certain response in the other person. This way of teasing tends to elicits positive feelings and experiences in the giver, a inner experience of satisfaction and pleasure, triggered by successfully being able to push the buttons of another. At that point it stops being innocent and mutually enjoyable, and instead, it becomes a matter of one individual using another for his or hers own personal gratification – and this is not acceptable.

Thus, there are two forms of teasing, the one, done from within and as a egocentric starting point where others are used as entertainment, and the other form of teasing, is done in playfulness, consideration, and respect for another. The latter form of teasing is about two or more mutually enjoying a moment of play and interaction – there is EQUALITY – something that does not exist in the former way of teasing, because there it becomes abusive and about fulfilling the needs of but one of the participants.

In my own life, I have noticed that I tend to start with a playful/supportive teasing, where both I and the other enjoy the moment. That in turn makes me even more playful and excited, and it is when I start to experience, place my focus on and live out these energies that I lose touch with REALITY and the other person. I will so to speak, take it too far – and then – without noticing or seeing how it happened – the recipient will be upset/angry/irritable – and that playful/enjoyable interaction will be lost. It is thus easy to see, that the problem and mistake that I make, is that my focus is internalized and directed towards how I experience myself energetically, and I do not keep my attention directed towards my physical reality and the interaction itself. Because, if I would have been perceptive to the other person, I would never have missed how they initially reacted/responded to my words. And the moment that I noticed, I could have made the decision to not take it any further, but to stop and ground myself – and speak/interact in a way that is mutually supportive.

Teasing, it resembles the word taser, and a taser has the specific function of transferring a massive load of energy and elicit a destructive response in the receiver – and that is very much like the destructive form of teasing – eliciting a response in another without regard or concern. Being a tease, is to lead someone on sexually, and then leave them unsatisfied, also that very much like the destructive form of teasing – where we elicit reactions in another to make us feel good – without consideration for another. Thus – it is clear that teasing is a supportive and enjoyable expression – however – it must be done in EQUALITY – it must be done from a starting point of mutual enjoyment/consideration/support/concern – if not – then it is abusive – and it will create a lot of consequences – unnecessary fights and conflicts being one of them.

Teasing, as with most other forms expressions, is not bad in itself – it is all about WHO WE ARE within it. If we are HERE, present, and together with the other person – teasing can be an awesome, enjoyable, and fun way to interact – however if we are not HERE with the other person – teasing will be a ego-driven activity which will create a lot of consequences in your relationship with another.

The SOLUTION for me: When teasing, make sure that I am here, present and together with the other person, and that I am considering, regarding and treating them as an equal.


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Day 377: Why Limit Self-Creation?

“There is no time for me to express! Work, labor, having to get money to survive, it is using up all of my time!”
Recognize this backchat and the oftentimes accompanying emotions of stress, pressure, regret and nervousness? Since I began working full time, I have been finding myself thinking this a couple of times, because working, compared to studying, time wise there is a huge difference. Work requires a different form of investment, you must be physically at work, you must push and drive yourself forward, there is usually a lack of time, and there must be results. When studying, you can read your books wherever you like, and you choose your level of ambition, where you want position your standards so to speak. All in all, studying is a lot more flexible and less physically demanding.

However, we live in a world where work is mandatory. We live in a world where our time must be used to get money so that we can survive. We live in a world where money gives us the right to exist – and hence – we HAVE to work – there is no other way around it. Even though we would ideally like to spend all of our time exploring our hobbies and interests, it is not possible, not yet at least. Thus, for me, it is been big changeover, going from studies to work. And one point that I have had to remind myself of continuously is that it is not about WHAT I DO – it is about WHO I AM within what I do. And I do see this understanding as the solution to the inner conflict, because when I stop placing a focus on where I should be, what I should be doing, who I should be meeting, I open up a space for myself, HERE, that I can step into – and then from there – step into the REAL world. And the real world is never set up according to my expectations, though it is in the real world where I have the opportunity to influence, to change, to move, to push; to CREATE myself – and that is meaningful.

SELF-CREATION is the forgotten ingredient in all of our lives. It has become normal to look for something or someone out there to make ourselves feel whole, our lives meaningful, though regardless of how much we look, regardless of the places we visit, the homes we build, the works we get, the people we meet, the hobbies we acquire – unless SELF-CREATION is part of the equation – everything we do feels incomplete – it lacks that something we cannot really put our finger on.

Hence – WORK – and the time we spend there – it is all about WHAT WE MAKE OF IT – it is time that we can use to CREATE ourselves – or it is time that we can waste feeling stuck/controlled/diminished. This is the choice we have – to either fully immerse ourselves in all aspects and parts of our lives and use our time to CREATE – or remain stuck in an illusory world of ideals, hopes and dreams for something better and more.

I have decided to embrace work as a part of my life – as a part of WHO I AM – and I have decided to make work a part of my life where I am CREATING MYSELF.


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Day 376: Stopping The Roller Coaster At Work

I can understand why there are many that dislikes working. During those eight hours, or more, you are basically forced to do things, move, participate, act, and the primary motivation is survival. Further, at work we have to deal with forced relationships. These are relationships we have not chosen, but that come together with the work. The things mentioned are usually a recipe for inner conflict, dissatisfaction, discomfort, and many other emotional experiences; similar to Job – at the job – most of us have to face some tough shit. Though, during my process of self-purification, I have come to see that work, is really a perfect place for SELF-EXPANSION and SELF-MOVEMENT; because it offers a smorgasbord of various experiences, reactions, misaligned relationships, ripe for changing, for anyone interested in expanding and moving themselves beyond their pre-programmed self.

Hence today, I will revisit one of my more deeply ingrained patterns, that keep recurring, and you guessed right, at work. And it has to do with my relationship with superiors. A couple of weeks ago I was assigned to do a project together with a couple of my colleagues. I felt honored and proud to be selected to work with this project, because it was particularly difficult, and required a specific expertise. For some moments, a couple of days, I was in high spirits. Then, disaster struck, at one point in the project, I was not able to execute the needed actions as well as I felt was needed. I became worried and afraid that my superior would react, and went into a state of self-judgment/fear/anxiety. Thus, I am able to see that in relation to work, and in relation to producing results, I am very much driven/motivated by the perceived reactions of my superiors. If I notice that I get positive feedback, I become energetic, positive, happy, and full of drive. If the opposite happens, I become depressed, fearful, and filled with judgment.

This is not a healthy or sustainable way of relating to work. Why? Because work becomes a roller-coaster, ups and downs, highs and lows, because it is not possible for me to only do things ‘right’, to do the things solely in the way my superiors want it. Self-value, self-respect, motivation, determination, must thus be sourced from a different place – these cannot be words the I rely on my superiors to give to me – rather – I must be them myself – and stand unconditionally.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed with either feelings of positiveness, when I feel that I have done something that will please my superior, or with emotions of negativity, when I experience that I have done something that will displease or aggravate my superior

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become controlled by fear, and feelings of positiveness, to move myself utilizing these experiences as my motivation, my engine of driving myself forward, instead of sticking with what is practical, easy, what works, and what I can do with the time I have available – and measure my production, my results, not against what my superiors say, but rather against what I myself see for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with fear and desire – to believe, on a deep level within myself, that these are the key experiences that I require to make something out of myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, how I have missed, and devalued, the point of expressing, moving, and creating for and as myself – where it is not about fear of feeling, but about self-expression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete when I am at work, to define my successes, or failures, in relation to how I feel that I am competing against others, as to whether I am better than them, or whether I am less than them, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that, I can express, move, and be just as effective, when I utilize self-movement, when I move myself physically, and it is not dependent upon someone say to, or telling me that I am better than, or less than anyone else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my value in relation to how well my superiors react to me, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my expression, my response at work to either fear or feeling, instead of simply seeing that my superiors is about him or her, and that I do not need to define myself according to this response, and that I can find my own principles, my own movement, my own direction within life, where it is not dependent upon what someone else things of me, and how someone else reacts to me

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel proud, happy, and content when I am selected to do something difficult, and then perceive that my value is higher, more than, better, than what it was before – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my value is the same, and that it does not physically change me that I was selected for this, and obviously it should not change me mentally either, because I am still the same, I am still moving myself, directing myself, within and as the same sort of considerations, it is still about me here – and my expression – and not about what someone else thinks about me and who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remind myself that my value is my own to create – that my value is about the value that I give not the perceived value that I receive from my superiors – it is about who I am – what I contribute – that I can see and clarity for myself – that is real value – value that is not defined in the limited contexts of how others react or feel towards me depending on what it is that I am doing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remind myself that it is not about what I do – it is about who I am within what I do – thus it does not matter what project I am selected to do – or who I work with – it is about all about who I am

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself going into a positive experience of pride, feeling appreciated, good about myself, powerful, because I perceive a superior of mine as noticed me, and either commended me, or put me to work on something that I perceive as important, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand – how this experience within me does not signify real value, expansion, movement, real worth and progress, it is an experience, something that arise because of a misaligned relationship, and I see that if I participate in it, I will create its opposite polarity; thus I commit myself to breathe – and to remind myself – I do this for and as myself – I determine my own success – my own movement – my own direction – I assess myself and where I am going – and for this – I do not need nor do I require my superiors assessment – I commit myself to take back my own direction through standing with and as myself and being own pillar of support

When and as I see myself going into a negative experience of sadness, self-judgment, self-hate, failure, and falling, because I perceive that a superior of mine as judged me, or disliked what I have done, I immediately stop myself, i take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that it is not about what my superior experiences – that who I am in relation to what I am doing is something that I determine – is something that I assess – and if I am satisfied with my expression – then I am satisfied – and if I am not – then I am not – and then I will push to improve – however – that has nothing to do with what my superior thinks, feels, or does; thus I commit myself to breathe deeply and release these emotions – and then for myself – look at my expression within what I am doing or have done – and see whether I am content or not – whether there is something I can learn or take with this or not

 


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Day 375: Avoiding False Aspirations

There are a lot of highly motivated people in our world, that move themselves with determination and drive, that are entirely focused on achieving some form of goal for themselves. However, there are very few people that have actually considered and picked their goal carefully, or that have formulated their vision within the context of what is best for all. The characteristics drive, determination and focus are thus usually utilized acquire some form of self-interested success that does not hold any value to anybody else but to the one desiring it. Obviously, in some parts of our lives, our aspirations must be, to a certain extent be self-interested due to the set-up of this world system. For example, it is not possible, or at least it is very difficult, to survive, if your aspirations in terms of career are solely to benefit others. Then you will end up volunteering and it will be difficult to acquire the necessary funds to survive.

However, in this blog I am going to discuss this tendency we humans have, that I have found in myself as well, to want to move on and manifest our desires, without ever having questioned the nature of our desires, without having looked into the value of manifesting that desire. Instead it is something that we want to do, because we feel good when we think about it, and that will be enough to propel us forward. Though, what I have seen, is that a goal should also have a value for others. It is not enough to just create things for ourselves and our own pleasure, not in a world where we are interconnected and dependent on one another.

Thus lately when I have had desires come up within me, especially desires connected to wanting to drive and move certain projects, I have asked myself: ‘Okay, cool, though what is the value that will flow from this? Why is it that I am want to do this?’ – and fascinatingly enough – many times I have not been able to pinpoint an actual value – rather it has just been a feeling/experience coming up within me connected to a dream/projection/image that I then feel inclined and motivated to move on. Before, I would have immediately moved myself into action, now on the other hand, I have been able to stop myself, look at the experience, and see the underlying energy – and through that understand that it was not even about the dream/projection/image – it was all about the energy.

Movement in the physical, decisions to create/manifest/build, I have seen that they are best made in stability. It is so easy to become fooled by an experience, and then suddenly believe that this experience is accurately depicting reality. One example of this from my own life has been how I at times have felt an urge/desire to buy books. I have been browsing the web, and checking out various titles, and then imagining how I would read the book, and how that would improve my intellect and my knowledge-bank – hence – the desire/energy/movement that has come up within has been the experience of wanting to expand/grow/move/develop. However, I have bought quite a lot of books in this state of energy, and interestingly enough, I have only but read a few of them. Why? Because reading the book was NOT AT ALL similar to the experience/energy attached to picturing myself reading the book.

What does this showcase? That the physical plays by different rules, and that what we FEEL towards something, does not indicate or reveal that ACTUALITY of that very thing – which is why I found it to be SO, SO important to clarify my decisions using COMMON SENSE. Asking myself the question ‘is this practical to do?’ goes a long way – because through assessing the point of practicality we have already weeded out the most unrealistic hopes/desires/wants – and also – removed the dreams/desires where we think we are creating a value – while in reality we are only fulfilling and following our own self-interested path of development and evolution.

Planning, deciding on goals and what to manifest/create in the future is not supposed to conjure any form of experience – it is supposed to be a physical act of looking at what is here and seeing what can be done and created with what is here in the future – and preferably – what can be created that is best for all. That way, we are not anymore as susceptible to become swept away by the grandiose experiences of hope, excitement and desire in relation to manifesting future goals for ourselves – rather it becomes practical and realistic.


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