Tag Archives: acceptance

Day 387: Who Do You Miss?

Yesterday, while chatting with my Destonian friends, we decided to look at WHO WE MISS and what words these persons represent to us. I looked within me and I could see that I missed my father. To me my father represents warmth, acceptance and courage. My father has always been good at meeting new people, socializing, developing and tending to relationships, and as I see it, this is partly because of my fathers WARMTH. He resonates a genuine and innocent care and consideration towards the people he is close to – an attitude of unconditional acceptance – and that is something I would like to develop and create for myself.

Warmth

What does it mean to live warmth?

The way I see it, living warmth is to dare to be open to the world and people around me – to dare to take them inside of me and embrace them. Being warm is to dare to care for more than myself – to dare to be interested in more than myself – to dare to be passionate for more than myself. Being warm is to pulsate with a passion for life and what is best for all – and not accepting and allowing myself to rationalize and find seemingly rational reasons as to why I should not care – why I should not be passionate – why I should give myself fully in service of life.

How can I live this for myself?

I see that being warm with myself is to embrace me, hence I can practice embracing and holding myself. And then I can practice it by motivating myself to CARE for the small things in my life – to CARE for people and responsibilities – to INVEST myself in life and take personal responsibility – that can be done through being serious and attentive within what I am doing – to not do anything half-arsed.

Acceptance

What does it mean to live acceptance?

Acceptance is to embrace myself unconditionally – to not accept and allow myself to make up any reasons as to why I should apparently not accept myself – why it is okay for me to judge myself – why it is okay for me to be rough on myself. Acceptance is to DARE to be gentle with myself – to DARE to be open with myself and see everything of myself without reactions.

How can I live this for myself?

When something arise within me, it might be a tough, and for some reason, uncomfortable experience or thought – instead of judging it, and then trying to suppress to – to calmly and without reactions – look at what is going on within me – to observe what is going on within me unconditionally – to see it – and then establish solutions.

Courage

What does it mean to live courage?

Courage would be to not accept and allow myself to buckle down, crumble and go into my fears. Courage is to move forward and create even though it feels tough, even though there are doubts and fears. However for me, more specifically, courage would to put myself out there, to dare to be rejected or pushed away, though not accept and allow that to define who I am and what I have decided to do for myself. This is also what my father is very effective at doing – to place himself out there in the world – to grab the opportunities as they emerge and not accept and allow himself to hold back only because he does not know the outcome beforehand.

How can I live this for myself?

I can live courage by doing that which I see is best for me – that which I see is best for all – even though there are fears and doubts within me as to actually pushing on and doing it. Hence courage is simple in its application – it is to DO IT ANYWAY.


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Day 342: Creating Expansion, Movement and Challenges

A year ago I finished my education and some months thereafter I began my first job. I have now worked at this job for about a year, and up until some months ago, I found most of the activities within my job refreshing and enjoyable. Most of the things were new to me, and hence I was challenged daily, which I loved. I had to really push, and exert myself to learn and expand. Then without much warning, I was through the difficult times. I had learned the basics of the job, and I was moving myself quite effortlessly within my responsibilities.

What then opened up was an experience of boredom. I could see that I was plateauing in my growth process, however, I did not see that as my responsibility. I thought that the fault was in my job, and that I had now learned the basics of my position, and that there was thus nothing in it for me any longer. What started to come through more and more was emotions; blame, depression, tiredness, apathy and listlessness. I did not see the enjoyment in my work anymore, because the challenge was gone.

Looking back at my life, I have had a tendency of taking on a new craft or skill, pushing myself diligently to learn and master it, and then, when I started to feel as if I was plateauing, I would give up and move unto something different. The consequence of this behavior was that I did not learn something in depth – I was a jack of all trades, yet master of none. This is similar to what I have been going through recently, where my job is no longer a novelty and does not supply me with challenges, difficulties, and points to overcome. It has become a job, something I know, and have to do, and nothing more.

Now, when I look at this point, one thing that stands out is how I have approached tasks, projects, skills, and also work, within a form of laziness. Not laziness from the perspective that I  compromised my work, though laziness in the sense that I expected and wanted my work or the project to give me a challenge. Inside my mind, I viewed the point I was walking into as a ‘fun house’ that was supposed to refresh and charge me up – however when the novelty disappeared – that did not happen anymore. Hence, I was lazy from the perspective that I expected to be moved, to be inspired, to be stimulated, to be pushed, and I did not approach to point from the starting point of ME standing the point of taking responsibility for myself, that I would challenge myself, that I would push myself, that I would find ways and seek new venues and expressions, so that I could move and further myself within the particular skill/ability/project/work.

The problem thus has never been, with reference to this instance, my work – no – it has always been my relationship to work, how I decided to approach and look at work. Challenge, novelty, movement, expansion, and pushing myself, I should never have expected that my work would give that to me. Obviously, when something is new, it will for a moment be challenging, however, when that honeymoon phase is past, I must take responsibility to push myself, and expand myself within my profession. At that point I cannot rely upon my work doing anything for me. Instead, I must take matter into my own hands and actively look at where I am able to learn more, where I am able to expand, where I can push and enhance myself, and where I am able to further my expression.

It is fascinating thus to see, that so far, the technique that I have used to challenge myself, has been to look up and try to place myself in challenging environments, through changing jobs, changing education, or committing myself to a new hobby. Even though this has supported me and spiced things up, it has also been a limitation, as I have not taken the responsibility, taken matter into my own hands, and really, diligently pushed myself to expand where I was at.

And another thing to take into consideration is that I can only become really good at something, if I do it several times. If I only skim the surface, how can I then ever become an expert in my field? It is not possible. In-fact, it is not the routine and repetition in itself that has been bothering me, the big problem is that I react to routine and repetition and believe myself to be limited and contained. Though, this is not true, even though there might be routine and repetition in my life, there is always room to expand, explore, push, improve and move further.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that my job will reinvent itself, and stimulate me, and that my job is going to make my life enjoyable, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding, that I am not able to rely upon my job, that I am not able to blame my job when I feel that I am stuck in a rut, without expanding or improving – and in-fact – the real problem is that I have not taken self-direction in my relationship with work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be stimulated instead of taking self-responsibility and looking at how I am able to stimulate myself within what I am doing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect to be stimulated – and thus not push and drive myself to expand – to look at how I am able to empower myself – strengthen myself – push myself – and will myself to become more effective within what I am doing – and thus I commit myself to each day – look at how I can expand – to never be satisfied with where I am at – but constantly push myself to reach new heights of expression and direction – to not be satisfied with being ‘good’ at something – but push myself to become excellent within what I am doing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push myself to reach excellency – to use that as a motivation regardless of where I am at – to not accept and allow myself to be satisfied with mediocrity – to be average – to know something quite well – and quite effective – but to push myself to become an expert within what I am doing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I plateau – this is when I must push myself – to look for ways in which I am able to expand and enhance myself – to look for ways in which I am able to acquire further skills – abilities – and strengths – to look at my life and critically examine it – to see if and whether I am able to do more – to see whether I am able to acquire and expand myself within some area of my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame work as boring when I know it effectively – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that work should stimulate me – instead of me taking self-responsibility and making sure that I stand as the point of stimulation – that I stand as the point of self-responsibility – that I stand as the point of pushing myself forward – placing no limits on myself – and looking at how and where I am able to expand

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not develop a passion for life – in the sense of always looking at how I am able to expand and move myself forward to the next stage of development

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not develop and push myself to create a passion for expansion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to reach and build a life where I am satisfied – not seeing, realizing and understanding, that satisfaction, oftentimes goes hand in hand with complacency – where we become lazy, and stop the process of exploration and movement that we would otherwise walk – and thus I commit myself to embrace dissatisfaction – to use it as a motivation to empower and move myself – to use it as a motivation to enhance myself – and bring myself to the next level of development

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that nothing is going to come by itself – that nothing is going to happen by itself – and that if I want challenges in my life – then I must actively pursue and create them – I must actively look at how I am able to make my life challenging – through for example – in my work – looking at how I am able to expand my understanding of work – of how I am able to take on more tasks and responsibilities at work – of looking at how I am able to really expand and become effective at my work

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself blaming my world, my reality, for being boring, not challenging, routine and repetition with no movement, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I stop – and I see, realize and understand, that for movement, change and expansion to happen, I must move myself, I must push myself, I cannot expect that things will simply happen by themselves, as they will not – and thus I commit myself to be on my toes – and to continuously be on the look out for how I am able to change myself – push and expand myself – and reach the next stage of development and expression

I commit myself to take self-responsibility for making my life challenging, expansive, fulfilling, and enjoyable – through not expecting to be stimulated – but rather – pushing and willing myself to improve and expand – constantly being on the look out for opportunities – and seizing the opportunities when they arise


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Day 340: Acceptance

Acceptance, generally speaking parents tend to teach children that this is something to be found externally. And sure, in some aspect they are correct, in the sense that our environment can either accept or reject us. The question however, is whether this form of acceptance that we try to win from people is real. What do I mean by real? With real, I mean that this acceptance is substantial, trustworthy, consistent, that it is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. Obviously, it is clear that the acceptance we gain from people in our external environment is very much conditional, unpredictable and shallow. Not something that we should base our life upon at all.

Acceptance in society is based upon keeping in line with and following certain norms and rules, written and unwritten, and when we do that, we will usually be accepted. However, acceptance is unpredictable, because norms change, an action, even though performed with the intention of being in line with the norms, can be perceived by others differently. Hence, defining self-acceptance in relation to others is a bad idea. If we accept and allow our acceptance of ourselves to be defined by something that is separate from ourselves, we will always be a slave to that point. The solution is unconditional self-acceptance.

Now, an interesting point to look deeper into is WHY we do not accept ourselves, but rather pursue an acceptance out there. What I have found for myself is that this issue is caused by a lack of self-value. I have as such not seen myself as being valuable and worthy enough to accept myself, and that hence, to get a sufficient amount of acceptance, I must be accepted out there as well. This is interesting, because this experience indicates that I perceive others to be more valuable, that obviously begs the question WHY? How come I do not see myself as having an equal value to others? How come I believe that the best possible road ahead would be to follow and do what everyone else is doing? Where does this pattern come from?

If we go back and look at our childhood, a common theme is that we as children are not seen as good enough to make our own decisions. Parents constantly meddles with our lives and independence, and very few children are ever allowed to explore this world by their own volition. This creates a conflict within us as young, because in-fact, as children, even though we might look and think differently, we are still very much clear and aware of ourselves and our life. We know what we want, what is good for us, what is bad for us, and who we are. However, that awareness is mostly disregarded and shunned by the adult world, simply because we are children. For me, I can see that this experience, and conflict, of continuously being told to shut up and listen to those that ‘know’ has stuck with me into adult life, and now, it is a more general experience of not valuing myself, and hence, not seeing myself as having the authority to accept myself.

What is the solution to this problem?

Accepting myself is a decision that I can make, and I clearly see that I have the value and authority to make that decision. And in-fact, that authority comes by virtue of being alive, aware, and able to create. I can make a decision as to what words that I am going to live, and there is no valid reason as to why I should not accept myself.

How can acceptance then be lived practically?

An inspiration for me when it comes to living acceptance practically is animals. They are unconditional, and regardless of what they are going, they never look to anyone else for acceptance. Animals do not have peers that they become influenced by, they stand alone, within their own expression, and stick with that, seeing the world without distractions, seeing it purely from within themselves.

Thus, for myself, I see that I can apply acceptance through not comparing myself with others, and stopping that process of thinking, where I look at myself, and something I have done, through how I believe that I look in the eyes of others. Instead of comparing myself, and placing my focus on others, I will push myself to bring my attention back HERE – and ask myself – WHO AM I within all of this? HOW DO I want to experience myself within all of this?

And another point that is also important and that I must remind myself of – is that acceptance is a decision. Self-acceptance is not something that will simply come one day, it is a decision made here, a word that is lived and applied HERE, a process of creation walked in the moment – and thus it is completely up to me whether I enable myself to live self-acceptance or not.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not valuable enough to decide that I will accept myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do not know how to accept myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot accept myself because acceptance must come from the outside

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that self-acceptance does not exist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be nice to others and be compliant to be accepted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to comply, yield and give in, and change myself, so that I will be accepted by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to comply, yield, and give in, and change myself, so that I will be accepted and liked by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself, and immediately try to please others without looking within, as to whether it is something I want to do, or that I am able to do, because I fear not being accepted by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes, and judge myself for making mistakes, because I believe others judge me, and others do not accept me anymore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear disappointing or vexing another by not agreeing with them, or by showing them that I have done what they expected of me to do, and thus lie in order to make sure that I am still accepted by them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define acceptance as more than me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that acceptance is something that must be given to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that self-acceptance is something that will come by me being liked by others and accepted in my environment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that self-acceptance is something that I must gain by being nice and having many friends and a stable life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that self-acceptance is something that I get through my job

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that self-acceptance is something that I get through having money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a mental and emotional melt-down the moment when I believe/think that people are against me – that they are seeing me as a burden and as someone that compromise their physical living

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself searching for self-acceptance in my external reality, I take a breath, I stop myself and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand, that self-acceptance is something that I must create here by myself – and that I cannot ever get this through acquiring the liking of others – thus I commit myself to trust myself – to actively develop self-acceptance through stopping judgment and practicing understanding myself and finding solutions to problems

I commit myself to find solutions that problems and issues that I face – to not judge myself – but instead look at what I can do to change the problem and to find a way forward where I learn and expand and take something with me


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Day 277: Performance Paranoia

Today’s blog will be about performance paranoia. Now, what is then performance paranoia?

Well, performance paranoia is that voice that can come up in your mind, that movement of fear in your chest, that slight perspiration forming on your forehead, and that increase of your heart rate, that happens when – you in some way or another have to perform.

In my life at the moment, performance paranoia has come through strongly when it comes to work, and wanting to show my bosses and co-workers that I can do the job effectively, precisely, and without making mistakes. Thus, I have wished to perform before my colleagues, and this have caused performance paranoia, because the moment there is something I want to achieve from/through another, what happens? Fear is created.

So, if we look at the polarity construct of performance paranoia, it consists of, on the one hand the desire to be liked/accepted/validated, and on the other hand, the fear of reprimands/being disliked or pushed away. There is thus always a conflict going on when an action is motivated from within and as performance paranoia – the conflict between the desire to be liked and the fear of not being liked. That is obviously not a very cool way to live, and fascinatingly enough, such a mind pattern actually decreases and diminishes one’s capacity to perform. Because where is our attention? Not on what we are doing HERE – rather it is on what we should NOT do, and what we SHOULD do, and how others might, or might not potentially react to our actions.

What is the missing puzzle piece here? Why does performance paranoia exist to begin within? If we look at what is the underlying desire within performance paranoia, which is to be accepted/liked/valued/included, we can conclude that the root cause of this polarity construct is that self has not yet lived self-acceptance and self-love – and here I mean an unconditional self-acceptance, and a unconditional self-love. And further, self as not yet developed an ownership in relation to work and careerseeing, realizing and understanding that work and career are actually parts of self and not something that is to be achieved and created ‘out there’.

Thus, solution: Develop self-worth, self-value, self-acceptance, and self-love, particularly in relation to the work environment.

And now for the more difficult question, how is this practically done?

Well, one point that I see immediately is to stop harassing and judging myself when I make mistakes. Mistakes must be embraced and seen as a natural part of self-development – a natural part of any process of learning. Hence, even though another might become irritated and judgmental because I have made a mistake, I cannot accept and allow myself to be like that with myself. Regardless, I must stand within acceptance and self-love, and embrace the mistake. Though, that does not mean that I should simply accept myself as bad at something, no, it simply means that the self-development and improvement, where I push myself to excel, that movement must be birthed from within and as a sense of genuine joy, creativity, exploration, and desire to improve on myself – not from within and as a starting point of lack.

Another solution would be to give myself ownership of my work, to instead of ‘doing it for them’ – start doing it for me. And within this start pushing myself to really excel, be precise, specific, and detailed in all aspects of work, for myself, that is something that I do to challenge myself, and to become more effective at what I am doing – and within this make the starting point in this creation process that genuine joy that exists within challenging myself and expanding myself in skills and abilities.

The rewards of this would naturally be that work becomes something real, something I do for me, a place where I go and where I develop, expand, and push myself for myself, and not to be liked, or appreciated by another. And where work is not a place where I fear to be judged, because I have stopped self-judgment, and hence, work instead becomes a playground of exploration, where I have the opportunity to push and develop certain skills and abilities, and refine myself, and my capabilities in my chosen field even more.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I have to change my relationship to work, that I cannot expect my bosses or colleagues to make my work rewarding, enjoyable, fascinating, and developing, I must create and build that myself – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in order to do that – I must claim ownership of my work, and my career, to within this see that my work, and my career is a part of me, and thus something I have to develop and create within me, and something that will reflect my relationship with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my relationship with work is my responsibility, and that I cannot give that over to anyone else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in order to live fulfillment in my life, I must fulfill myself, and this is something that I do through a process of self-creation, where I actively, in all parts of my life, create myself, see how I can develop and expand myself, see how I can push my skills and abilities even further, see how I can become more effective, more stable, more directive, and learn more, and thus constantly push myself to expand – and I see, realize and understand, that this is the joy of living, working, and walking a career path, that there is constantly room for expansion and improvement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I actually enjoy my work – a lot – yet – when I accept and allow myself to become influenced by others, and their negative experiences to work, this causes me to lose sight of myself, and my own relationship with work, where I actually enjoy getting into specifics, details, reading, and pushing myself to develop myself intellectually – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that in order to really enjoy work, I require to open the flood gates of self-expression, and vest myself in my career, and my work, to get into it, and not hold back, to accept and embrace it as a part of me, and a part of my life, and thus something that it is my responsibility to create

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this is a truth that goes in all aspects of my life, that it is up to me to create them, it is up to me to define them, it is up to me to find that within them which I can use to support, enhance and create myself – nothing will just happen – nothing will just come and find me one day – no – I must be the creator and create that which I want in my life – be the directive principle – be the movement – the initiator – the shaper of my own life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to except things to change, to expect things to happen, to expect things to become better, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it will not – I will have to make that change – I will have to make that improvement – I will have to create that change – it will not come by itself – it will not magically appear – either I create it – or it will not be here

Self-commitment statements

I commit myself to make work my own, to take ownership, and to each day push myself to expand, to learn, to develop my skills, to enhance my abilities, and proceed forward in my development – and in this I see that I am myself responsible for my self-creation – and thus I commit myself to embrace that responsibility and make work my playground of self-creation – where I can expand and develop skills so that I become a better human being

I commit myself to take ownership of my process of self-creation, and see that there is a opportunity of for self-creation in all parts and aspects of my life, and that is up to me to find that point of self-creation – it is up to me to define that point of self-creation – and it is up to me to make it happen – and thus I commit myself to write a list of all points that I want to push and create in my life – and thus push my process of self-expansion and self-development – and understand that when things do not move forward – it is because I do not move forward

Day 218: Recognizing Myself

One emotional experience that have come up recently with more force and fervor has been that of looking at my life, my relationships and daily living – and then comparing this to the lives of others – and in that making a conclusion – that apparently my life is a failure – my life is not good enough – and I’ve not established or walked a sufficiently fulfilling life.

For some context in terms of how the point emerged within me. I was scrolling through Facebook, and then saw a post from an old friend – and decided to see what he’s been up to. I saw that he’d acquired a new job, and that he’d been left with many comments, where his former work colleagues shared with him how much he was going to be missed at his old job.

This then triggered the particular experience within me, where I had this image come up in my mind of my bedroom as I wake up in the morning, and then followed by backchat, that was charged with an energy of failure – thus these statements emerged where I was berating myself for not through my life having created more relationships with people where they would write similar things to me – as to how much they were going to miss me and feel sad that I couldn’t be a part of their lives anymore.

The energy that was triggered by the thought and the backchat was failure – and I felt like an underachiever. What I did in that moment was to slow down, and immediately apply self-forgiveness on the energy as well as the backchat – and this assisted and supported me to clear the experience and return to the stability of breathing and being here with my human physical body. Though because this experience was intense and it’s come up several times – I saw that it was required for me to investigate it more closely.

Now, in analyzing and picking a part this experience – I’m able to see that the origin of this point is a lack of self-acceptance – and the problem is that I’ve defined self-acceptance in a relationship to success – and success in association to attaining fame and popularity in the system – because hey – that is what I saw in the comments that where directed towards my friend – he seemed popular, liked and appreciated!

Obviously, the most burning of questions is why I don’t give that appreciation to myself – or rather HOW I don’t give that appreciation and acceptance to myself – because if I was appreciating and accepting myself – would I then experience this urge and want of having others seeing, recognizing and valuing me? No – I wouldn’t.

Thus – HOW am I not giving this to myself? The first thing I’m able to see is that I don’t accept and allow myself to recognize myself for what I actually HAVE DONE and ACCOMPLISHED in my life – because there are a few things I’ve done that took great effort and willpower – that I’m actually proud over when looking back. Though that is not something that I yet allow myself to really embrace – thus – the first point of self-correction and living application that I see I can implement in my process of correcting this point – is to accept and allow myself to recognize what I’ve done and accomplished – and in that allow myself to be proud over and satisfied with myself – and thus accept and allow that point of self-recognition and self-appreciation to come through instead of hoping that others are going to give it to me.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize myself – and accept and allow myself to be proud over and satisfied with the points that I’ve accomplished in my life – that I’ve given effort into and walked to perfection – and that I’ve really had to push and will myself through resistances and limitations in order to create – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take myself for granted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not appreciate my strengths, skills, aptitudes, talents and capabilities – and what I am in-fact effective and good at – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take myself for granted – and to compare myself with others and berate me for the weaknesses I have – instead of assisting and supporting myself to strengthen my strengths – to enhance those points in myself where I’m already effective and potent – and thus place my focus and attention on what I’m able to create in my life – instead of that which I perceive to be a problem and that I’m not able to walk

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never be satisfied and content with myself – even though I accomplish a great feat and really push myself to establish a particular point that do requires effort – to believe that I am not worthy of recognition, praise and acceptance – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to copy the behavior of my parents – living and creating a belief that I must never be satisfied with myself because that is apparently not something that I am accepted and allowed to give to myself – because apparently I am flawed and less than – and thus doomed to for an eternity walk in this life thirsting for acceptance yet never really ever finding a place of comfort for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the consequence of me at all times expecting more from myself – and not allowing myself to look back and see all the effective and cool points that I’ve manifested for myself – is that I am breaking myself down – instead of accepting and allowing myself to build myself – to through seeing what I’ve created and what I’ve been able to do – further push myself and become even more enthusiastic with regards to my self-creation process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the flawed starting point and premise that I’m apparently not worthy of self-acceptance, being proud over myself, and being satisfied with myself – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when always being discontent with myself and my efforts – I will be able to produce greater results – instead of accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that when I am berating and judging myself – I’m in-fact breaking myself down – making me less capable and driven – because I generate an emotional experience within me of feeling like a failure – that then draws all my attention – instead of me placing my focus, effort and attention upon me creating myself as life – building myself as life – and walking my life to get done and establish that which is required to be established

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize myself for having dedicated several years of my to myself with regards to walking this process of self-creation – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize myself for having soon completed a university education – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see that in my life, and in that in myself which is effective, which is working – where I’m actually producing results that I should be satisfied with – because the results are actually very cool

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize myself for having walked through my resistances and pushed myself to progress in my Desteni I Process course – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take this point for granted – instead of accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that it’s something I’ve actually walked with great effort and that I’ve invested a lot of will power into – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself credit for that which I’ve walked and established

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand – that only because I recognize myself – and see my achievements – that this doesn’t have to mean that I will become complacent and self-conceited – because obviously I can still push and will myself to create my life – yet when I recognize and actually accept and allow myself to see my progress – I create this natural drive and motivation to push myself – because I’m able to see the results – I’m able to see what I’m creating and what outflows and effects my creation have on myself and in the relationships in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself credit for having pushed myself to participate as a host in the Desteni Hangouts – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take this point for granted as something that I simply should be doing – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it’s actually a commitment that I’ve made and that I’ve walked for quite some time – and that it’s been a point I’ve invested effort into and thus not something that just came to me easily – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize that point in my life and in myself as something that I walked and created that I can in-fact be proud over

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and be hard on myself for having difficulties in creating networks and relationships with other people – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it’s unnecessary for me to go into this state of harshness and judgmental attitude – rather I commit myself to be forgiving – to accept myself as I am at the moment – and then from that starting point begin to push myself to become more effective in creating networks and relationships – not from a starting point of thinking that I am bad, wrong or unfitting in my current state – rather that I push myself from within and as a starting point of me wanting to expand and move myself beyond my limitations – because I enjoy it and find it fascinating – and because I’ve been able to do so with many other points in my life

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that a thought arise within me of me berating and judging myself, for me apparently having a boring, unsatisfactory, inferior lifestyle in comparison with others, in terms of being accepted, recognized and seen, being popular and having many relationships – I immediately stop myself – I take a breath and I bring myself back here to and as my human physical body – and I see, realize and understand that this idea within me that I’m apparently a inferior human being isn’t aligned with reality – because there are many things in my life that I can be proud over, that I can give myself credit for, that I can be truly satisfied with – and thus I commit myself to recognize these aspects of my life – to give myself credit for what I’ve created and established – to give myself credit for my strengths, my skills, talents and aptitudes – and in that recognize, see and accept myself

When and as I see that I am berating and judging myself, for me not as I perceive others are able to do, creating relationships, networks, and doing these ‘fun’ ‘eventful’ and ‘interesting’ pastime activities with others – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that in approaching these weaknesses of mine from this starting point of judgment, I’m in-fact only breaking myself down, and placing even further away from moving into a solution – and thus I commit myself to accept myself as I am at this stage – and from this starting point of unconditional self-acceptance – move myself to change – to direct myself – and to create myself in those areas of my life where I see that I’m not very effective or potent – and that there is more to build and create – more things to explore, realize and live

Day 87: Acceptance vs. Self-responsibility

I am continuing to open up anxiety, fear, and nervousness in relation to career, future, money and job. In this blog my starting point will be to go deeper into the point through asking questions – because – asking questions is important as it allows oneself to step out of that automatic state of simply accepting that apparently “I am afraid” and there is nothing I can do to change this. Thus – in this blog I will delve into a real-time interview with myself.

Firstly, myself, what is it that is the core problem, what thought is it that comes up the most frequently in your mind? Well – this question has no one single answer as there are in-fact several different thoughts that come up in my mind, but I am able to see that all of them has this one single thing in common – they are all based on this underlying madras of fear and anxiety existing like a layer in particular in my solar plexus. I can feel that this energy comes up and swallows me as I begin to follow the thoughts where I go away into the future and attempt and try to look for problems that might occur, a career that might not happen or might happen, or a particular grade in school that I might or might not get.

Thus – this underlying fear madras is the very fuel, the gasoline so to speak, that gives rise to my incessant thinking, and worrying about the future. What’s clear is that I’ve written about this point several times before – a relevant question to ask is thus – why I am not changing? Why am I not letting go of this particular point?

cantletgoI can see that it’s not so much about me not wanting to let go of the point, instead I see that it’s about a acceptance – I’ve accepted that this fear and anxiety is real and that it’s part of my beingness nature and that there is nothing I am able to do to change this – I am apparently just stuck with this particular fear into and as eternity and that’s it. And within this I can see that there is a point of inferiority involved in relation to this acceptance – where I’ve in a statement that “I am powerful enough” – “I don’t have the authority” – “I can’t just play god like that” – simply accepted that this fear must be my god.

Thus – the core problem as to why I am not accepting and allowing myself to change is really about me not allowing myself to see that I do have the power and authority to change – I am able to change myself; none of what I experience within must in-fact exist there – and I am able to make a directive decision as to how I am and move myself to self-correction.

Who or what do I believe should give me the allowance for me to change? God? Jesus? I mean – it’s obvious that only I can make the decision to change myself – only I can make the decision to stand up within myself and not accept and allow my past to anymore control me – but that I instead live real-time here – and that I am effective in every moment of breath.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply accept my fear, and to accept my anxiety, and to accept my nervousness in relation to the future, to money, and to a career, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a state of mind as believing that I am not able to change myself, that I don’t have to allowance, and the authority to change myself but that this is someone else’s prerogative; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not change this acceptance within me and understand that birthing myself as life from the physical – and changing myself – and correcting myself is solely my responsibility – is solely my decision – and that there is nothing and no one else that is able to walk and make this decision for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become stagnant and stopped in my tracks by my own self-design as creating an acceptance within me that I am apparently not able to change myself; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that the nature of the acceptance is really in-fact an excuse – because in accepting that I can’t change – I have the perfect reason as to why I don’t have to push myself, and will myself, and walk myself into and as change; as I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that this particular acceptance is bullshit – and that I can prove this to myself through in-fact in physical practical reality walking the change through in-fact stopping these future projections, and this fear, and instead accepting and allowing myself to walk – participate – and live here in real time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto the acceptance that fear is more powerful than me – that fear is a force that I have no directive principle over and that fear can just do whatever it wants to me – and that my only solution is to try to satisfy the fear and work around the fear and try to please the fear; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how this is an acceptance and that it’s not in-fact real – because what is real is that I am able to change myself through making a decision and then living this decision in practical reality through pushing myself to not anymore be controlled by, and enslaved within, and a victim to fear; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to change – to push myself to let go of fear and bring myself back to physical reality – and change my acceptance so that I stand responsible for everything that goes on within me – so that I am as such able to change myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to change my acceptances – and push myself to understand and realize that the mind is really in-fact me – but that I’ve separated myself from this part of myself and created a illusory belief that this part of myself is apparently not in my power to direct and change; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how this is in-fact schizophrenic in nature – and that it really makes no sense at all – because really: who decides what I participate inside my mind? Who decides what I will accept and allow, and what I will not accept and allow within me? It’s me – I am the point that it all goes back to – it’s me and my relationship with and as myself – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to change my acceptances in relation to the mind – and accumulate as such that I empower myself to change in all areas of my life – and that I take responsibility for all patterns that exists within me – and that I do not anymore accept and allow myself to be a slave to the past as what I’ve come to accept and allow as real within my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand the simplicity of self-change – which is that I take on responsibility and realize that it’s up to me – that I have to walk the change into and as reality – that I must make the decision – and that I must follow through with this decision – and unless I walk and apply this point – nothing is going to happen – nothing is going to change – nothing is going to be different – nothing is going to move; as such I commit myself to take on the responsibility of being the directive principle within me – of being the movement – of being the catalyst – of being the force that moves to change as what is best for all; that moves towards a point of perfection as not accepting and allowing a single point of reaction, energy, or thought to be the directive principle of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take on the responsibility of self-change – and as such I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to simply accept that self-change is apparently not up to me – but that it’s up to these various reactions and experiences that come up in my mind – and that just maybe these points will simply one day without my directive decision change – and that then everything will become better – and everything will sort itself out by itself; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how this is in-fact a delusion – and that there is plenty of proof on this earth that nothing will change unless we as humans make the decision to change – and as such I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to embrace the pain of self-change and self-realization – and understand that in walking self-change I will experience resistance – and that it will be hard and be experienced as difficult – but really it isn’t – it’s just about me actually walking through the accumulated consequences of and as the mind and bringing myself back here to the physical in every moment to accumulate myself as directive principle and not anymore accept and allow myself to be a slave at the whims of the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept myself as being a slave to the whims of the mind and to accept that there is nothing I am able to do about this – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think – perceive – and believe – that this acceptance is valid because apparently it’s to hard to change; apparently I’ve already given up my opportunity for self-change and that all I am now able to do is to “ride out the waves” and “try to make the best out of my life” – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and bring myself back here – and make the decision in every moment of breath to change myself – and to align myself within and as what is best for all; align myself within as that which should be – and must be the future of and as this world, and the future of humanity – as what is best for all – as what is perfection – as what is real life and real living – as standing by one’s self-directive principle and deciding what I will accept and allow and what I will not accept and allow in every moment of breath

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am going into and as my mind – as starting to think about, worry about, and create fear in relation to the future – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I do not have to accept this experience within me – and I do not have to accept myself as merely being a ragdoll thrown around by the various energetic whims of and as the mind; as such I commit myself to take a breath – bring myself back here – and change my acceptances – and as such take on the responsibility of standing up here and walking change as what is best for all until it’s done – and until there exists nothing in me that is of a self-interested and self-compromising nature – as energy – as thought – as the mind as separation

When and as I see that I am merely accepting what is going on within me, accepting that the fear I experience can’t change and that accordingly I must follow it, and I must make my life to be about, and around this particular fear – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I don’t have to follow – that it’s in-fact a decision that I make to follow and that I can change this decision so that I do not anymore just follow – but that I question – that I stand up – and that I make it clear who I am as what I will accept and allow and what I will not accept and allow within me; as such I commit myself to stop being a follower and instead live in real time here – and become a decision maker – and make decision that are best for me – and that are best for all

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Day 62: Touch and Natural Physical Expression

Some days ago I visited Denmark, and I got to meet with my partners family. It was interesting because I noticed that my partner’s family was much more physically expressive than my own. They touched each other frequently, and they were not at all embarrassed to express that they liked, or enjoyed each other’s presence through touch.

26333-touch-screen-with-a-fingerIt was cool to see because in that I could reflect myself back to myself, and see how I’ve not ever experienced myself in such a way towards physical touch. I mean, through most part of my life, even with close family members, I’ve really not at all been comfortable with touch. I’ve connected touch to embarrassment, and fear – and in a way I look at touch as being something sexual in nature, and per definition it must apparently then be bad.

So, it was interesting to see this example of people being comfortable touching each-other, comfortable moving their bodies without worrying, and fearing that they might hit into each other – and I see that this is something I would very much like to apply in my own life – that is: allowing myself to be comfortable, and at ease in my body, and touching people when I see that the opportunity is here, and it happens naturally and without trying to force it. I mean, so what I would really like to do is simply open up that point of expression in myself, as allowing myself to enjoy being touched, and enjoy touching others, and allowing myself to be more expressive with my human physical body.

That is also something I observed with my partner’s family – they were very expressive, and open in their physical living. Now, this was also interesting from the perspective that it showed me how much I’ve really been brainwashed, and how limited my world-view have become due to me having grown up in a particular family, and isolated myself to only trust, and look at points the way my family look at points. Culture is really one of these great prisons, were people tend to become what their parents lived without ever asking themselves if that is what they’d like to do themselves; and in the end people tend to accept their culture as themselves, not ever understanding that culture is not who they are, but merely a program that they have accepted as themselves – a IDEA that they have adopted, and that they believe they are; but look at the graves – those dead people hold no cultural identity because they are all equal in the physical simplicity that they will decompose and re-unite with earth.

The one real culture on earth has been forgotten, and that is the culture of the earth, the culture of natural living, the realization that all physical forms come from the same substance – and thus we are in-fact one and the same; but we’ve separated ourselves from each-other through thinking, and it’s in thought that we’ve created such a ludicrous thing as culture.

I mean, I am a Swedish person, and one cultural trait of swedes is that most of us are like petrified to touch each other, to be physical, and we’re also afraid of conflict. Obviously these are thus patterns that I require to transcend, and move through – to make sure that I am not but a pattern of my environment – but that I am a self-willed individual, self-created, and that I’ve created all parts of myself as how I want them to be, because it’s common sense as what is best for all – and not just because someone have told me that “this is the correct and right way to be”.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of touch, to be afraid of being expressive, and comfortable with my human physical body, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate my human physical body to “wrongfulness” – to think that the physical body, and sexuality is something sinful and bad, and to within this fear being hedonistic as in allowing myself to appreciate the senses, and the experiences of my human physical body, thinking and believing that they are in essence bad, and evil

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear touching another, and to fear being touched, and to associate touch with sexuality, and to within this define and look at sexuality as being something bad, and something wrong, and as such, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being here with and as my human physical body, and to fear expressing myself naturally, and be at ease with my human physical body, and to allow myself to experience what is here fully through my senses, and to not judge the point of enjoying my senses, enjoying what I touch, what I express, and what I am here as physically

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge, and define enjoying the physical as being bad, and being sinful, and being wrong – and to think and believe that I shouldn’t enjoy the physical, I shouldn’t enjoy being here with and as my human physical body, because apparently my human physical body is sinful, and that the “spirit” is apparently more clean, and more pure, and more holy – instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that this is the lie, and that in-fact the spirit is nothing but the deliberate separation from reality, as the physical – and the deliberate separation from responsibility, and physical consideration that is real; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath, and bring myself back here to the physical, back to my body – and to understand that it’s my body that gives me life, it’s my body that gives me opportunity to experience myself, and be here – and thus I obviously have a responsibility to honor and support my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define, and see my human physical body as a problem, and as something that I will feel relieved of not having anymore when I die – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how this is a complete deception, and a complete lie, and that in-fact the point of importance, and the point of relevance in this physical existence is my human physical body, and that it’s only through standing one and equal with and as my human physical body that I will have any form of life, any form of actual experience, as all other points are merely energy, are delusion, are points created in my mind without understanding that reality is physical and not consisting of and as energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to become spirit and let go of my physical, thinking that I will become more pure in letting go of my human physical body; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how this is a lie – and that letting go of the physical is in-fact allowing myself to die and become a illusion because only the physical is real – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge touch, and judge sexual physical expression as bad, and to within this think that when I do not anymore have a point of enjoyment when I touch, or participate in sexual expression – that I am then more pure, and more holy – instead of realizing that this is merely judgments, indicating that there is no clear understanding as to the magnificence of the human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge, and define the human physical body as being wrong, as thinking that I should not be in this physical body because it apparently makes me less pure – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, and hold unto a belief that the physical represents impurity, and that the physical is in a state of degradation, that I should avoid, and that I should discipline, and make sure that I don’t become tainted by this impurity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that the physical is real – that the physical is in-fact purity because it’s HERE DIRECT and without any agenda, or backchat, or secret intention – the physical is HERE and that is the definition of purity – meaning ONE substance – meaning ONE here; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that there is nothing bad, or wrong with touching, and that it’s in-fact unnatural to fear touching, that it’s unnatural to experience embarrassment towards touch – and that being natural is in-fact allowing myself to express myself with my human physical body without holding unto any experience – but simply being physical HERE with and as myself in and as the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself as expressing myself through touch, through associating touch to embarrassment, and fear – in thinking that touch is something bad, and when I touch someone something bad, and wrong might happen – and that I might become ridiculed, abused, or laughed at when I touch another, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to infest, and infect the meaning of touch to hold more than the actual meaning of touch, wherein I’ve defined touch to be a point of energy, and a point of association, instead of seeing touch here within and as oneness and equality – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that the actuality of touch is simply me touching, and sensing what is here – and that it’s nothing more but that – it’s not something I need to connect to a experience, but it’s simply a physical point of expression that in itself holds no emotional, or feeling-value

Self-commitment

When and as I see that I go into fear, and anxiety of expressing myself with my body as touch, as allowing myself to be sexual as in allowing myself to be HERE as my senses, as my physical body interacting fully with this physical moment here; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I’ve defined the physical, that I’ve defined physical self-movement, and application as being something bad, and wrong, and evil, and immoral – while this is not the case because the physical is the most pure, most real, and most magnificent substance that exist; and as such I commit myself to honor my human physical body, and myself as physicality through expressing my human physical body unconditionally, and fully – through touch, through being here with my senses, and through appreciating the physical points of interaction that are here in every moment

When and as I see that I am judging, and looking at physical interaction, and movement as something bad, and something impure, and evil – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that the physical is simply the physical, and that there is nothing bad, wrong, immoral, or evil about the physical – but that it’s me as the mind that I’ve interpreted the physical as being this, but there is no facts stating that this interpretation is true; as such I commit myself to be HERE with and as my human physical body and not try to be more, or try to escape my body – but to appreciate the physical beastliness and actuality of being here as my human physical body – because that is real life, and real living

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