Tag Archives: alone

Day 411: Creating My Own Path

I recently watched a Netflix original series called ‘GLOW’, where one of the characters, a disillusioned and uncomfortably direct and simultaneously honest movie director, explains to one of his actresses, that is supposed to play the ‘bad guy’ in his movie, that there is great power in learning how to not give a fuck about being hated/disliked by others. This line struck a chord with me an hence I want to expand on it in this blog.

From what I have come understand, of both of myself and others, is that our average/normal way of going about life, is that we want to be loved by others, and act accordingly, which is achieved mostly by trying to please others. There are a few people that gets off by doing the opposite, they want to feel hated and disliked, because that makes them feel empowered. Obviously, none of these polarities are a solution, and does not assist and support with growth and mutual self-expansion. If we move around in our life’s trying to be loved by others, well, in some way or another, that will always lead us to compromise and change ourselves to fit in and try to be the way we believe others wants us to be. If we go around deliberately instigating conflicts, and trying to make others dislike others, well, then we are as well changing ourselves to have others respond to us in a particular – we will still be a slave. The base problem in both scenarios is that we define and live according to the response/stimuli that we get from others – and that is what we need to move away from.

A consequence of only acting/living according to what we believe others want, or do not want us to be/do, is that we do not get to know ourselves. Instead we are moved by fickle and ephemeral experiences, change our direction on a whim, what is popular and what is not popular, what is desirable and what is not desirable (generally speaking), we move there – without really understanding why, or having looked at whether it would be best for us or not. It is a form of herd-mentality – and obviously it is a lot easier to just go with the flow. Then we do not have to look within, consider, assess, ponder, and asks ourselves; Okay, but WHO AM I within all of this? And maybe this is the reason we are so prone to move and act according to the stimuli others present to us in our lives, we really do not want to go through the inner conflict of getting to know ourselves and deciding upon a direction? At least this has been the case with me.

While moving with the flow requires no particular self-will or self-discipline, and mostly, comes very naturally, choosing upon and going in our own direction, is in my experience a lot more tough, at least the first times it is done. The times when I have decided to do what I see is common sense, while at the same time, I have had a desire to follow along with what everyone else was doing (which happened to be something different), I have been very conflicted about the decision. Sometimes I have wanted to go back on what I decided, because, what if my way is the wrong way? What if everyone else is right, and I am making a complete fool out of myself? This is characteristic I have found in terms of choosing and deciding upon our personal path, when we do, we have ALL the RESPONSIBILITY. We cannot blame person X for ‘putting us in this position’ – no we did it ourselves. However, that is also what I truly enjoy about making decisions for and as MYSELF – I am responsible – I am the creator – I move – I make it happen – and it will NOT happen by itself.

Thus, the solution as I see to change myself, from needing some form of response form others, to instead making and walking decisions that I have made myself, is to develop common sense – and learn to trust my common sense. If I have made a calculated decision, because I have seen that it is best, and someone else comes and says – ‘No, this is what is best!’ – if I stand clear within myself and know the specifics of my decisions – then I am less likely to fall into doubt and uncertainty. When I am clear within myself with regards to why I am doing what I am doing, I cannot be swayed and controlled the same way as I would otherwise.

Hence, this is exemplifies another point, it is not about being different, not about fear of what others might think about me – the reactions I have within me towards the input/response/stimuli of others reveals to me my relationship with myself – and if there is any form of dependency – that implies that I have not yet developed and stood as a point of grounded, decisive and clear point of common sense in my own life – but that I still wish to push the responsibility of my decisions unto others. As such, on a deeper dimension, it shows that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand accountable for my own life. The solution to this point is to live accountability – and do that through practicing STANDING with and by the decisions that I make – in terms of establishing what is BEST for ALL before I make a decision – and then deciding according to the assessment I have made. This way I will develop accountability – and at the same time – become a lot better at making decisions for myself, as well as standing with and by them even though others might say that I should do or think differently.


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Day 296: Redefining Purpose

Creating my purpose, which is a process I have walked actively for a while now. I have from time to time experienced myself conflicted in this process, and mostly this has been related to the feeling that things are not moving fast enough, that I am not getting through, that I am not getting the feedback, and response I would like. This in turn have caused me to start to doubt the purpose I have given myself, and wonder if I am doing something wrong, or whether maybe walking into the wrong direction.

I have decided to look more deeply into this recurring experience to see where it is coming from. What I have realized is that there is an undercurrent of desire existing in my definition and understanding of purpose, and that the conflict I experience is actually consisting of a polarity of fear and desire. Now, the desire in my purpose, is to reach a state of notoriety, to be famous, known and well-regarded. You know, like an expert speaking on the television, having the loyal followers, being quoted in books, and seen all over the world as a significant figure. An example of that would be Ghandi, or Martin Luther King – the epitome of a supreme and world known leader.

In analyzing and reflecting on this point I have now realized that having, and walking a purpose, is not real, unless that purpose is walked for a greater cause, something bigger than ME – meaning: A point I create and walk in my life because I see it is of benefit to OTHERS – to this WORLD – it is hence me GIVING of myself. Purpose is not about receiving, purpose is not about ME – and this is what I have not fully grasped. For me purpose has been about becoming someone for others so that I can feel purposeful.

And I cannot blame myself for misunderstanding this, because if we look at the world, and how currently define purpose, mostly it is connected to being ‘special’, ‘unique’, having some form of ‘god given talent’ – for example: I have rarely seen someone exclaim that it is their purpose to pick up trash, or to clean horse stables, or take care of weeds. Mostly purpose, on a world system level, is defined as this great feat of human creation and confined to special and heroic human beings that have lived special lives throughout the course of human history.

Hence, I will here relook at my definition of purpose – what is really purpose?

Current definition of purpose in the dictionary

1 The reason for which something is done or created or for which something exists: the purpose of the meeting is to appoint a trustee | the building is no longer needed for its original purpose.

* (Usu. purposes) a particular requirement or consideration, typically one that is temporary or restricted in scope or extent: state pensions are considered as earned income for tax purposes.

2 [Mass noun] a person’s sense of resolve or determination: there was a new sense of purpose in her step as she set off.

Sounding of the word

Pur-pose

Poor-pose

Port-choice

Put-port

Put-purse

Purr-purse

Purr-pose

Peer-parse

Peer-pass

Purr-position

Pour-Pose

The direct translation from Swedish is End-Goal

Creative Writing

In the sound of the word, is the sound PURR – which is the sound cat makes when they enjoy something. When petted, they purr. Then we have the sound pass, purse, or pose – where posing would be a certain position you take.

So, combining these sounds and the meanings of them, we get that purpose is a pose/action/movement we walk which in some way tickles our fancies – meaning – it is something that gets our blood pumping and we purr – we cannot help it – just as the cat cannot help purring when its petted.

And then, the Swedish translation of the word indicates that purpose is also about an END-GOAL – a VISION – something we desire to manifest in this world.

Hence – the question when establishing purpose for myself should be – what makes me purr? What is personal and close to me that I am passionate about – that I can develop and take as pose – a position – in this world? And then – as well – looking at what the END-GOAL – what it is that I want this purr within me to create – how can I – PASS-I-ON this PURR to the world?

Then – we also have the sound combination POUR-POSE – basically implying that something is being poured into a particular shape and form – a pose – a force is being directed to take a particular shape and form. For example, water is being poured into a glass of water, the water then taking the pose of water in a glass.

So, what i see is that purpose is about direction – about guiding energy, and movement. Purpose is a road map for what we do in this world, and do not do – it is the very REASON behind our movement and thus why we POUR our energy/life into a certain POSE in this world.

Redefinition of the word purpose

The reason and vision that moves a point forward

And when it comes to redefining it for the human experience – where focus is on ‘life-purpose’:

The reason and vision which drives me forward to pass it on to the rest of the world

Conclusions:

Hence, when it comes to purpose, it is important to clarify what is the REASON for my LIFE. Meaning, what can I contribute and give the will make a difference and enhance the life, of not only mine, but also the lives of others? Into what POSITION can I pour my life and time?

Then, the VISION must also be established, what is it the I want to create, what is the END-GOAL?

Finally, what is my PASSION? Where and what of myself can I pass unto others that will benefit them? Where are my strengths, my secret powers, those parts of me that I see is needed in the world, and that only I am able to bring; because that is the point which is required for me to take responsibility for – hence – my purpose.

And here it is important to not that passion is NOT an experience. Passion is instead that which I see that I can PASS ON – meaning – that of myself that I see myself giving to the world; as such passion is about giving of myself and not about having an experience.

Day 190: Remember The Context!

Recently I’ve had several occasions when I’ve gone into a state of paranoia and fear due to perceiving and believing that someone dislikes me – and this is usually triggered by for example: Someone looking at me with a stern face, or me asking something that is not answered, or someone not paying attention to me in the way I perceive to be correct.

What happened yesterday was that I in class stretched my hand up in the hopes of my teacher picking me to answer one of his questions – though that didn’t happen and instead someone else got the honor of answering. The first place that my mind went to was that there was something wrong with me, that I’d done or said something wrong, that the teacher thought I was stupid, or that I’d somehow offended him, and this was his revenge. Obviously – the fascinating point here is that all of the above ideas are inferred from the one premise that ‘It’s about ME!’ – it’s PERSONAL.

Though, I can’t possibly be sure precisely why my teacher didn’t pick me to answer his question, and even though his reason was that he didn’t like me, why should I accept and allow that to have an affect on my presence and expression in school? I mean – I am not in school to get positive feedback from teachers – I am there to learn and educate myself in various subjects – and the more effectively I’m able to fulfill that purpose the better.

This is also an interesting aspect of taking things personal – that when we take things personal we become forgetful of the purpose or context of an event or moment. An example would be work – and the interaction with colleagues – because what I’ve noticed with myself is that suddenly the social life of the workplace starts taking precedence over the work I produce – and how others are towards me and how I personally experience myself comes into the foreground – not seeing that the context or purpose of being in employment is to effectively direct and move a particular point to completion (production).

Thus – the social life should obviously be in the backseat – and be there more as something that is done at breaks or when a project has been finished – but not be the main point that defines my entire experience and movement in a particular employment.

The same with school – the same with listening to my teacher – I am not there to be liked or establish social circles – I am there to learn – and I should rather establish my network and relate to the teachers from this perspective – looking at what will enhance and quantify my learning and comprehension of the material – it’s from that starting point I should move.

What I am able to see is that I require working and going deeper into this aspect of giving value to social life – and what others think of me – realizing that when I do this – I compromise the actual purpose of why I’ve placed myself in a particular point or position.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personal when my teacher doesn’t assign me to answer his questions – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my educational environment personal – to make it about me personally – to make it about me wanting and desiring to have friends and to be liked by others – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remain within the actual purpose and context of placing myself in that particular position – which is to educate myself and learn – and not to be liked – not to win – not to gain favor from the teacher

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stabilize myself within and as the purpose and context of why I’ve placed myself in a particular point – and realizing that when I am at work – I am there to produce an effective and precise product – and I am not there to gain friends or to be liked – the same with my teacher – that I am there to learn from him and acquire a particular understanding and comprehension of a subject – not to be liked and to feel favored by him – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take things personally – and make things personal – instead of remaining objective and aligned within and as the context of the moment and the purpose of my position

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become emotional and make things personal in school – and at work – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as someone is ignoring me – or not paying attention to me the way I want them to – as being enthusiastic and enjoying me – to then take it personally and react – and think that they are being mean to me – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately go into and as a troubleshoot mode – wherein I am trying to locate what is wrong with me – what is at fault with me – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it’s not about me personally and that what another do or doesn’t do – is not reflecting that there is something wrong or bad with me that I must immediately correct

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as being flawed and inferior in my expression – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as someone seems to dislike me – and ignore me – or not pay attention to me as I want to – to then believe that there is something wrong with me that I must immediately attend to and direct and make better – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to make myself better so that others are going to like me – so that I can feel more at ease and comfortable with myself – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am able to give that point to myself – of accepting and allowing myself to like and love myself – and be at ease and comfortable with myself – without necessarily needing anyone to like me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I push to get attention from another – and then I am seemingly being ignored – to immediately go into thoughts and backchat of thinking that there is something wrong with me – and wonder what mistake that I’ve made in order to make someone dislike me this much – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it doesn’t even have to be about me – and that when I go into this troubleshoot mode – I am working with assumptions and ideas – and not the actual practical physical reality that is here – and thus I commit myself to stop such troubleshooting mind pattern – and see that it’s in-fact a form of self-judgment

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am going into a state of taking it personally, believing that someone dislikes me, or doesn’t want me in their world – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I don’t need or require anyone to like me, appreciate me, or feel pleasured by me, I instead require stable and sound relationships so that I can walk through my days effectively and handle my responsibilities – and thus what is important is that I direct my responsibilities and my life – that I commit myself to my studies – my work – and my other points of responsibility – and that I align and direct myself from this starting point; and thus I commit myself to stop taking things personally – and instead look at the context of the moment and the purpose of my position in that moment – and align myself to go in that direction and thus not make my relationships with other emotional – but rather practical and supporting what I’ve set out to do and create in life

Day 80: I Don’t Want To Be Alone!

Today as I woke up I had an experience of sadness in my solar plexus. The nature of the thoughts that came up In relation to this point was of the kind that “everything is meaningless” – “I am a looser” – “there is something wrong with me” – so I can see that this experience is something that have been triggered during the day before.

6a013488670c86970c013488679417970c-800wiSo, what I am able to see is that this is experience relates to loneliness, and it relates to the hope, and desire to be accepted, and popular among people – that’s the polarity; either I am accepted and I feel great – or I am not accepted and I feel like shit. This point of sadness is me going into the negative polarity of feeling like shit because I’ve not been able to interact with others sufficiently well to be able to promote the idea of myself within myself that “I am accepted” and “I am good enough”.

What I am also able to see is that in this sadness there exists competition, and comparison – because the nature of the thoughts will be directed towards others, that I deem to be very popular, and socially effective beings, my thoughts will go to those, and sort of point out how successful and good they are, and what a failure I am – and that I obviously should push myself to be more like them so that I don’t have to experience myself like a failure all the time.

The origin point of this experience is thus aloneness, and also self-acceptance – meaning that it’s these two points that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to get down, and realize that hey: it’s nothing bad to be alone, it’s completely normal, and that obviously it shouldn’t influence who I am in anyway – and also accepting myself that: I am not like others, I can’t thus compare myself with others and say that “I should be like them” – because I am myself, and thus I should instead ask myself, instead of asking “how can I be like others?” – “how can I assist and support myself to expand and express myself more effectively?” – within that bringing the focus back to myself instead of looking out there at what I perceive others to be doing.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be possessed by and as a experience of sadness as I wake up, as a feeling that I’ve not been able to make my life as successful that I’ve hoped I would, I’ve not able to get as many friends, to build as many contacts, to create a big enough network, and to establish myself as a popular, and likable person in others life’s; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress, and forget about myself, and to see, realize, and understand that I am not accepting and allowing myself to nurture myself, and to give to myself, as I’d like to receive – which would be that I look at how I can expand, and how I can make my day, and each breath that I take, to be a full expression and movement of myself here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become enveloped in sadness, and in feeling pity for myself, in that “I have not been able to experience this world as much as I’d like to” – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have hopes, expectations, and wants that my life is supposed to be this joyride of discovering new things, of opening up new adventures, and that there is something wrong in my life unless there is a constant feed of stimulation into my mind, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that obviously something isn’t per definition wrong the moment I don’t experience myself to be stimulated, and as if I am involved in a adventure; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practice sticking with the physical – stick with what is real here – sticking with my breath, and physical movement – and realizing that everything else but that which is physically here is really but a delusion and not something of value and substance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that something is wrong when and as a I don’t feel stimulated, and when and as I don’t feel as if my world is expanding in the form of relationships, and in the form getting to know others; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my relationships, and my communications with others, perceptual – wherein the point only exists as a energy within me, wherein I feel happy, and energetically positive, and upwards, when and as I feel that others have given me attention, and I feel downwards, and depressed, when and as I feel that others simply do not care for me what so ever

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to polarize my daily living through defining it as either being positive, or negative, wherein I will meet someone during my day, and speak with them, and then define that as positive, and then during some days, I won’t meet anyone, and then I will define that as a negative; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my life, and my daily living a rollercoaster wherein I constantly feel either hyped up, or sad and dismissed; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practice stabilizing myself here – and living HERE within and as the physical – within and as breath – within and as each and every moment, wherein I accept and allow myself to not try to make myself more than, or less than, but that I live without polarity in and as every moment fully with my physical body here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel happy, and content when I’ve during a day had many conversations, and meetings with other people, and then feel as I’ve “succeeded” and my life has become better, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the interactions I have with others, and to see myself as either being positively, or negatively charged, depending upon how I perceive that others see me – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize, and understand that there is a point called self-acceptance – meaning that I don’t have to become something for another, but that I am able to accept myself here and simply be myself, and within that not create any positive, or negative reactions – but that I am simply here in every moment and walk the points that open up here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to having some kind of energy within me that is able to dictate to me how I should experience myself, what I should do, what I should think about, and what I should worry about; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not establish the point of realizing that I don’t need this constant up-and-down living – meaning: energy is limited, and it’s not even the real me, it’s not even the real physical – it’s a system that at death will not exist anymore – thus obviously basing my life upon energy is completely ridiculous, as it’s implying that I don’t base my living on reality, but upon something that is in-fact only a illusion, and that only exists subjectively for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I have a negative experience, that this implies that there is something negative happening for real, instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that a negative experience, is merely a negative experience and is nothing more than a negative experience, just a as a positive experience is nothing more but a positive experience – it’s simply energies and these energies obviously have nothing to do with actual physical living – these energies are simply the outflow consequence of not effectively understanding and applying the point of living HERE without a mind, and instead living as words as a physical expression of myself here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the assertions made in my head, that I should be more like people I perceive to be successful, happy, and sociable, that they are real – and that I can’t be complete, and I can’t be whole, and I can’t be satisfied with myself, unless I change myself, and get my “life together” so to speak – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand the obvious common sense, which is that what goes on in my mind has zero relevance to factual, practical living – and that my mind is a machine deliberately installed to fuck up my relationship with my human physical body, and this physical existence – and that as such I can’t trust anything that moves in this machine, unless I’ve in full awareness actually decided to think a particular thought, because I understand what I am doing, and see that I in-fact require to utilize a moment to think about a particular point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that a reason I feel saddened, is because I’ve installed into my mind all these kinds of references as what a “effective” and “good” life is apparently, through watching TV-series – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that life is good when and as I have lot’s of friends, when and as I have “my purpose” so to speak perfectly aligned, and this purpose gives me a positive experience, and I am noticed for having this purpose, and people align with me to support me in my purpose; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be obsessed with ME – ME – ME with MINE – MINE – MINE – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that there exists more beings in this world, more points to consider than simply me – and that obviously life is not acceptable for real only because I experience myself positively charged in my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand the difference that exists between living in the physical, and living in the mind – because living in the physical is simply that: it’s me moving myself to do what you can do physically here – tending to my responsibilities, and my life and general, and then simply doing that without any reaction – while living in the mind is a constant experience of ups and downs – and either being more than, or less than, either succeeding, or failing; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not drop the complexity of my life as the mind – and to focus upon living simply – living simplicity – living and focusing upon making each and every breath a physically lived moment here

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am going into a sadness, because I feel that I’ve not sufficiently been able to “get myself out there” and have me “be known” and “considered” by others – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I am within and as this particular way of living allowing myself to forget, and shut my eyes to what is in-fact real – to what is in-fact physical, distinguishable, touchable; as such I commit myself to breath and bring myself back here – and to walk as my human physical body – to walk simplicity of living in breath and to realize that when living becomes more than breath – more than walking here – then I am in my mind and not here

When and as I see that I go into a state of sadness, and I experience myself lost, and as if there is “nothing to live for” – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that living through the mind implies that I am living for nothing, I mean, because all that matters is energy, and the final outcome of energy is that it seize to exist , and thus by implication I am living for nothing; as such I commit myself to live as the physical here – and stop my mind – stop participating in sadness, and feeling dissatisfied with myself, and bring myself back here – and live here – and realize that I’ve not ever accepted and allowed myself to live and walk HERE in my life because I’ve thought that it removes me from life as energy – instead of understanding that energy is not life and that living here with the physical is in-fact living here as life.

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2012 A Nerd For Life

The nerd symbolizes the personality traits of being held back, introverted, highly skilled in a particular field, insecure, and as an outsider. The nerd is normally regarded and seen by the general populous as something inferior, a laughingstock, somebody that doesn’t know what’s in, what’s hip and cool – and how you impress the ladies. Yet, it is this generally accepted view of the nerd as inferior real, and true? Or is it yet another scheme of a system that in every way attempts to cripple, and diminish actual greatness, and integrity from being birthed in this world?

I remember when I grew up, I particularly enjoyed to play computer games, play with small cones – I equipped the cones with small wooden twigs, which then became the weapon of the cone, and then I waged grand-scale cone wars, having my twig-equipped cones ravage each-others sand houses, and fight each other out, and that game I really enjoyed. Yet, it was never something that I would tell any of my friends that I enjoyed, as I was about 12 years old and still played this game with myself, while the popular guys in school, now had decided that playing games wasn’t anymore cool; what was cool now was instead smoking, having sex, and drinking alcohol.

So, why did I fear so much to show to others who I really was? What I actually enjoyed and found fulfilling to do? The truth is that I feared to be an outsider, and I feared to be called a nerd, and so I gave up upon myself as my nerdy sides, I hid them from the world and instead desperately tried to fit myself into the various “cool” things that was suggested for a “cool” and “normal” guy to do. Obviously I found all of these “cool” things to be utterly boring, yet I still did these things, only in order to fit in and hide myself in the masses, so nobody would see that really – I was actually a nerd.

A real nerd wouldn’t have done what I did, a real nerd would’ve stuck with his hobbies and interests, and in the face of a crowd of people all doing the same thing, saying the same thing, thinking the same thing, the nerd would’ve stood out as a complete freak of nature – as someone that has an interest that isn’t one of alcohol, sex, drugs, money, or “being cool” – as someone that really is a actual being, and not a copycat.

Living in such a way, wherein you stick with what you enjoy to do, and continuing to stick what the interests that stimulate you, that is actual integrity, and such a way of living is in every way superior to living as a copy, attempting to impress other copies, that you’re the best and most popular copy. Nerds are in-fact people that have chosen to walk life in a way that isn’t mainstream, and for this they are judged, bullied, and shunned – while in reality they should be saluted as courageous human-beings that dare to stand by a principle they themselves have designed, and not by a principle that someone has given to them, saying: do this and you’ll be cool.

And while the popular people walk through their school years focused upon sex, alcohol and being cool, a nerd walk through his school years taking part in the education that is offered, learning new things, reading, exploring this reality for himself, getting to know himself, and being content with himself. As such a nerd, as someone that dares to stand on his own, that lives not from the fear of being disliked, and shunned, but from within his own interests and passions, truly expands, and develops himself in the school years, while his peers remain stagnant in the search for popularity.

It’s fascinating that the general and accepted view of nerds is that they are inferior; while truly they are very effective beings, with a self-image, that isn’t based upon what others think of them, but upon what they like to do.

In order to truly understand the greatness of a nerd, I suggest that you listen to this interview – as it explains, from the perspective of a nerd, how he instead of getting caught in the matrix of partying and sex – instead decided to use his youth in order to educate and develop himself, and enjoy himself within playing video games. That is real integrity, and real popularity – as your doing something for yourself, and as such you make yourself popular to yourself – and that is real courage, as daring to stand by yourself, when everyone else around you give in to the addictions, and the accepted ways and woes of this world – that is being self-honest.

Thus – I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become a nerd once again, now standing here pursuing in life that which I find enjoyable, and meaningful, and not that which others tell me is enjoyable and meaningful – and within this I’ve come to appreciate myself, and be content with myself – seeing and realizing that most things that are termed enjoyable in this world, are truly bullshit – and that the only real way to live, is in-fact living from within me, within this getting to know me – the actual nerdy me.

De-constructing my Money-Construct Part: 3

During one point in my life I decided I was going to make money. At that time I had gotten home from Thailand and I didn’t have anything in particular to do – thus I decided I was going to travel to Norway in order to make myself money.

Thus – I placed myself on a bus heading to Norway. I got of and I ventured to my hostel and I placed all of my baggage on my bed. During the following two weeks I would experience the most intense anxiety and fear that I’ve ever felt in relation to money; to the extent that I couldn’t sleep at night, simply because, I had no place where I could live and I had no job to get a steady flow of money coming in.

The moment I came to Norway, more specifically in the town of governance called Oslo, I started to look for jobs and apartment. Before I had arrived I had prepared myself through calling people in relation to getting myself an apartment and a job. Thus – I started to visit all the places and people that I beforehand had made contact with in order to make my time of living on hostels shorter.

I felt very uncomfortable to live in a hostel and at the same time have no job. Because the hostels where expensive to live in and as I had no job, everyday the money I had with me got less and less. The fascinating thing is that, at this time my savings was quite substantial and I had a family with substantial economic “power”, thus there was no actual danger in relation to my life. The danger was to loose my money, which was only that, to loose my money and not be able to anymore sustain myself in the city of Oslo – even though there was lot’s of possibilities for me if things would have fucked up completely.

During two weeks I walked around in Oslo to go to job interviews and to get myself an apartment. Yes, you heard right – I walked! The reason as to why I walked was to save money and it’s totally ludicrous because as I said, I had my savings and I would theoretically have been able to live in Oslo with the money I brought for several months. Though, I completely failed to see the mathematics behind money and only acted in regard of my emotional experience of anxiety and fear in relation to loosing my money.

Thus – I walked around for about two weeks in order to get myself a job and apartment. To get a apartment went faster than to get a job.

After the second day I got in contact with someone that supplied small rooms, it was perfect and precisely what I needed in order to settle myself into the new country. Though, the price! The price was to high I thought and in my mind I started to run rampant as to how much money this would cost me. What would be my expenses How much savings would I have left?! To add here is that, at the moment it was quite difficult to get an apartment in Oslo – thus when this opportunity opened up I was very content as I realized that I could finally get a place of my own instead of having to live in a hostel, in the same room as many others. But, I said no – the price was to high! I must be able to get something better I told myself.

And actually, one of the reasons as to why I said no was that I had another apartment with a cheaper monthly rent “on the hook” so to speak. Thus – I said no to settling myself in a comfortable room and instead continued to live in a hostel, which isn’t very comfortable at all.

The next day I got to hear that the apartments I thought was “on the hook” was not going to me. I was without a home! Anxiety, anxiety, anxiety – why didn’t I take that other room? Those where the thoughts/experience within me as I realized that I had now given away a perfectly fine opportunity to get myself a comfortable place to live in, that was cheaper than a hostel, in order to save money – which anyway, didn’t happen!

Thus – I experienced lots of anxiety at this moment as I realized that I would have to stay at the hostel even longer, the hostel being almost as a hotel and thus having quite a high rent. That night I slept hardly nothing, I don’t think I slept very much any of those nights which I spent in the hostel – in expectation and doubt as to whether I would be able to settle myself through getting a job and a apartment or not. Would I be able to settle myself in the time frame that I had? Which was the savings I had brought with me.

Fortunately I was able to get a room some day’s later. Within this I experienced a sense of ease and stability as I had finally managed to get a stable point into my life. The stable point being a small room in which I could place all my belongings and now that they would be there as I came back and I also had a bad and my computer there. Everything to make it comfortable and relaxed for me, which I didn’t at all experience in the hostel. Where my stay felt very unstable, as if I at any day could loose my bed at the hostel and if I placed my belongings on my bed others that lived in the same room would easily be able to steal from me whatever they wanted. To get an apartment was very nice and I could finally let go some of my anxiety. But now came the second task – getting myself a job!

To get myself a job took almost two weeks. In which I each and everyday worried that I wouldn’t be able to get a job and that I because of this would loose my newly gained apartment.

During this time I walked everywhere in order to save money for busses. And fuck! I walked miles and miles and miles! All within the experience of satisfaction within the realization and knowing that I was saving money.

I remember that I in the beginning found a job as a day-care teacher. It was a job with fucked up conditions, but I took it anyway. I wasn’t a very good day-care teacher and so I got fired after 2 day’s – LOL! That brought up ton’s of anxiety within me and I pleaded to the manager to take me back. LOL! Nope your gone son! Nobody wants to have you back here.

At one point I found two jobs at one time – in which I experienced tons of anxiety. The reason being that I got one job with a lower pay confirmed, this job was mine, at the same time I awaited response from another employee in relation to a job with a higher pay than the first job. Thus the anxiety! Should I say yes to the first job and at least secure myself a small income? Should I wait for the other employee to call me and hope that he will give me the job? What am I going to do?

Eventually after lots of bullshit I got a job I felt saved – I felt like a big stone had been let of my chest. Now only came the worry to keep my job! But at least I had a job, a steady income and a small room. I could survive! And my savings was still with me! I still had my money.

This entire process took about two weeks I think – in which I basically was in total anxiety the entire time and I asked others if they experienced what I experienced. They said yes, they where also in complete anxiety. I could see it as I was walking around and interacting with people that shared the same house as me, in the house in which I had my little room. We where all completely possessed with fear and worry and it’s a fear and worry that never ends, if you don’t stop yourself that is, because each month you are always dependent upon being accepted by the system to make your ends meet. And if your ends don’t meet you will be in great trouble and end up in a position in which you will have an even tougher time to “get yourself back”.

It’s really fucked up – that all the time there is this uncertainty in relation to money and if you are going to get it or not. There is never certainty in relation to money, no matter how financially stable you get – there is always the possibility that you are going to loose it all.

1.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my savings are going to run out – to fear taking the bus – to fear taking upon myself more expenses than incomes in fear that I am going to loose my money

2.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety and fear when I don’t have a place to stay, as a apartment

3.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety and fear when I realize that I am wasting more money than what I am bringing in – and that if I don’t manage to turn this around, eventually I will be broke

4.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won’t get a job, that I won’t get stable income, in fear that my money is going to run out and that I am not going to be able to sustain myself

5.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having a place in which I can protect my belongings, in fear of loosing my belongings

6.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having a stable point in my reality, as a apartment, as a place which I know I will be able to go to if I get cold, or experience myself physically discomfort able

7.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone in a big town without having any money

8.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the uncertainty that exists in relation to money, the fear that I won’t have enough money at the end of the month to make ends meet

9.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my relaxation and ease within the dependency of having money and having a stable place to stay in as an apartment and having a stable income as a job

10. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a state of constant anxiety and fear when I don’t have the ability to generate a sufficient income for me to be able to sustain myself

11. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will loose my job and that I will become evicted from my apartment and that I thus will find myself to be at the lower end of society

12. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having any savings – in fear that I am going to spend more money than what I’ve been able to generate, in fear that I won’t be able to sustain my current way of living as having a comfortable apartment and food to eat

13. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a constant state of anxiety and fear when I don’t have enough money to sustain my current way of living

14. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a constant state of fear and anxiety and not be able to sleep – when I see that I have more expenses than what I have incomes

15. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a constant state of worry and anxiety that I won’t have enough money to sustain myself with food, with clothes, and that I will loose my current protection in society in the form of a apartment and a job

16. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won’t be able to have money to protect myself with against society and against a life of being a outcast

17. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to do anything and everything in order to save as much money as possible in order to prevent me from facing my fear of becoming a outcast and a faceless person in the system

18. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won’t be able to protect myself from the brutality and harshness of this world – as the disregard that exists for people that has no money

19. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will loose and not be able to win, and get the money I need in order to sustain my life and protect myself from this world

20. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in constant anxiety and fear that the world is going to harm me, abuse me and place me in a position of physical hardship

I am here.

I live here, I allow myself to stand with no fear and no anxiety whether I have money or whether I don’t have money. I don’t allow myself to become influenced and controlled by having money or not having money. When I see that I go into fears and anxieties and start to take decisions based upon my fears of not having money – I breath, I let go, I apply self-forgiveness if necessary, I let go of my anxieties.