Tag Archives: angry

Day 456: The Righteous-Character

Yesterday after work I decided to order some take-out food for supper. I called the restaurant and told them that I did not want to have any onion on one of the dishes. About ten minutes later I drove to the restaurant to pick up my food, at which point I noticed that the chef had misunderstood me. He had not used onion in any of the dishes I had ordered.

It upset me when I became aware of this. I asked the chef whether he could re-do the dish and put onion in it. The chef did not want to do that because it would get messy. This frustrated me even further. At this point I saw before me two options. On the one hand, I could insist on having onion, or I could simply take the dishes as they were and walk out of there. I felt as if there were two of me, there was one rational version; I could see that the flavor and experience of the dish was not dependent on onion and that I would save a lot of time if I accepted the mistake and walked out of there. The other me, was the irrational and angry me; this me wanted redress – ‘I want to receive what I have ordered, I paid for this! Then I should get what I paid for!’

I stood there and felt the irritation and frustration within me – then I made the decision to drop the point. To take the dish as it were and get out of there – get home and eat my dish and enjoy it. This was the rational and common sense thing to do – and I am satisfied with the decision that I made. Though, I can still see that I became influenced by the emotions, to get into me and had an effect on me – and hence I want to look at the emotions and the character.

If I am to give this character a name, I would say it is the righteous-character. It is the experience of me being completely right because someone else has not done their job properly – and hence – I have a right to become angry – pissed of and irritated. I have a right to curse at them and to start a conflict. When I look at it, I can see that this logic is very much a like how parents treat their children, and it might be from this relationship that I have acquired this pattern. Because parents tend to become angry at their kids when they do something ‘wrong’ – and in such instances – most parents do not consider it wrong or consequential to be angry – rather it is ‘needed’ to set the child straight.

This righteous-character activates especially when it comes to money, and people not doing their job the way I expect them to. Because when I have paid for a service, I make the false conclusion that I now ‘own’ the person supplying the service – and hence I can act and behave in any manner and way I like if my expectations are not fulfilled – because I have ‘bought’ that right. However, in looking beyond money, which is an abstraction, it becomes evident that my actions, and the righteous-character, have just the same consequences and negative outflows as accepting and allowing myself to become angry and frustrated at someone in my personal life. The righteous-character is really not a character/way of living that brings through what is best for all.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and think that I have the right to be mean, angry and frustrated when I buy a service and I do not get what I expect that I should get – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume/think that only because I paid for something – this means that all bets are off and I have full freedom to do what I want to do and say what I want to say

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that access to money makes me more important and better than others – and that purchasing a service means that I own the person that gives this service

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value money over myself as a person – and to believe that money gives me value – and thus when money is at stake, when there is a question about money, then I have the right, freedom to do what it takes to control/direct my money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remind myself that what is of importance and relevance is who I am as a person – the value that I am able to give/live and be to others – and thus not the amount of money I own and have access to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it is money that gives me importance and value in this life – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that money is only a medium, a means used to transact goods and services, and that it does not determine me as a person, and that buying a service, does not mean that I have the right to do whatever it is that I want to do

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself becoming angry and frustrated, reacting, because I have not received what I feel that I paid for, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand, that only because money is part of the game, it does not give me a carte blanche to do whatever I want to do – and to express myself in anyway I see fit – and I realize that accepting and allowing myself behave in a way that is harmful towards others – is equally as consequential when there is a issue about money, as when it does not have to do about money – and thus I commit myself to breathe and stabilize myself here – and then work to resolve the issue/problem that is ahead of me utilizing common sense and a stable and sensible presence/direction – where I find solutions to the problem and use common sense to get there


Advertisements

Day 309: Learning Cooperation

Since childhood I have experienced a resistance towards helping others when they ask, especially if I am at that moment doing something that I enjoy. For example, I might be sitting down writing, or playing guitar, and then someone comes into my room and asks me if I am able to run an errand for them. I will experience resistance in that moment; and usually what happens is that I will tell the person ‘not now!’ – and then continue doing what I am doing.

This way of approaching favors, and services has its roots in my childhood. When I was young I had many experiences where I would sit in my room, back then, primarily playing video games, and my parents would come storming in, often irritated, and demand of me that I do some form of chore in the house – and if I did not do it immediately they would threaten to turn off my computer, and sequester it until I do. These events were traumatic for me, because I would in one moment be sitting with and enjoying myself, then in the next moment everything would change and instead I would be demanded to do something I did not particularly want to do – NOW; and this created an experience within me of feeling invaded.

Now, I am soon thirty years old, and still I experience this feeling of being invaded the moment someone enters into my life and, while I am busy with other stuff, asks me to do something. And another interesting thing is that I will most of the times believe that they want me to do something NOW, while they sometimes do not have a specific time in mind.

I have realized that this pattern and experience of feeling invaded each time someone asks me to do something for him or her must now be directed. It influences me not only at home, but also at my work, where I will feel slightly aggravated and annoyed with each assignment or task that is added to my plate. It is common sense that we all have to do things we do not necessarily like, and that we had not initially planned on doing. Things can come up, and tasks might be proving to be too big for one individual to deal with by himself or herself. There are a myriad of reasons as to why someone would need my help; and it is not an invasion that is happening – it is simply someone asking me to do something for them.

I do not loose myself by for a moment, stopping what I am doing, and then moving myself to do something else, which I might not necessarily want to do, but that I see is important and relevant. I can always get back to what I was doing later on, and if I do have a tight schedule and I am sitting with something that I must get done now, I can communicate this, and then make a plan to help out later on. For communities to effectively work we MUST help each other, I have skills that others does not have, and they have skills I do not have, some are strong, some are intelligent, some are fast, others not, and when we share our skills and time with one another, we create added value for each other. If we only tend to our own interests, projects, and desires, the consequence is that we will limit ourselves. Cooperation is one of those awesome expressions that will add value to everyone involved. Together we can do more than we are able to do alone.

Another aspect of this is that many times what is asked of me, it does not only concern the other person but also me. For example, cleaning the house, this is something that will support me as well. Feeding the cats and making sure that they have sufficient with food and water, this is something that must be done, and it does not matter who does it. Feeling invaded and attacked clouds me from seeing the positive effects that can come out of taking the action asked of me, and how it can influence my world positively as well.

I can conclude that helping each other out is really important, being able to work together is important, and that cannot happen if one of the parties feels invaded every time a favor is asked. However, this does not mean that I should do EVERYTHING asked of me – it is important to make sure that I do have the practical space and time required to deal with my own responsibilities as well. It is not worth it to compromise my own commitments; a solution here would instead be to, as I shared earlier, make a plan and schedule a time for helping later on when this do not compromise my other responsibilities.

Solution

What are then the solutions? I have already touched on them: It would be to stop this experience of feeling invaded the moment it comes up – simply STOP – then to instead listen to what is asked of me, and unconditionally assess whether I am able to, or not, at this time, assist and support. And if I am able to, I have the time, to simply get up and move myself to help, remembering that I will be able to return to what I was doing later on – and that I am adding value to my life and the life of another. If I however do not have the time, then I can schedule one, and also explain to the person why I cannot help them at this moment.

Day 281: The Hell of Helping

helpLast week I had one of those days at work where things just pile up. Without any warning I had to take on a lot of work that was redirected from other parts of the organization due to certain events. In my mind, this constituted a moment of ‘helping’ that other part of my organization – and because of that some interesting things opened up within me with regards to the word ‘helping’.

Basically, what happened was that I became irritated and resentful because I had to take on these new and unforeseen responsibilities. And it was fascinating, because from a logical perspective, I could see that it made perfect sense that I handled this work, because if I didn’t do it, well, then it would end up with someone else. Further, it is part of my job description to support the organization in its daily operations – I am not supposed to be like an island that only makes sure that my things gets done and that I do not care anything about others.

I could see all of this, yet regardless, what grew within me was irritation and resentment, thoughts like: “Why do I have to do this?” – “Why did it have to be me?” – “I had so many different things planned for today, why me?” – and this battle began within me between reason on the one hand, and pure emotion on the other. My physical experience in this time was that of discomfort, and I could feel that my awareness was oscillating back and forth between being stable in the physical, and lost on a wave of emotion. I experienced myself as two people, and I knew I wanted to in that moment live what my reason was telling me, though due to the emotional experience, I could not give myself to actually making it my priority to contribute to the organization where I work.

Some days later I opened up the word help together with my partner, and this is where I started to see where this two-parted experience comes from, and especially why I have such an emotional relationship to things that concerns helping. When I grew up, my parents used to word help a lot. Though mostly, my parents were not really asking for help, sometimes their starting point would be for me to ‘learn what it means to have responsibilities’ or ‘it must be fair between you and your siblings’ or that ‘you should help because, well, you just should’ – hence as I saw it back then, they were not putting forth a real question of asking for help. This led me to start distrusting people that claim they want to have help. Because what I see when this word is mentioned, is someone that wants to deceive me, and get me to do things for them, because they have some self-interest that they want to be realized.

Obviously, that should not matter, because if I am helping another from a starting point of being conditional, then this is going to lead to consequences anyway – as I will feel that they must do something in return for me to make it fair. And this brings me into another aspect of why I tend to get angry when people ask me to help them, it is because I feel that it is not fair AND I feel that they are taking time away from me – coming into my life and creating a raucous – when I before had everything so nicely planned and sketched out. Thus, ripping me out of the schedule that I had in my mind.

Helping for me has thus been defined as a Hell-Point – something that I would like to avoid. I can agree to help, when I set the terms, the times, the when and the how, however when someone comes to me and asks for help, in a way that I feel is disruptive for the way I have planned my day, then, I feel like HELL – why me?

Because of my issues with helping (and also asking for help, though that is a slightly different variation of this point) I sat down and redefined the word – and this is what I came up with:

HELP
‘Assisting and supporting someone by giving one’s services or resources’

If we break this definition down, it firstly consists of assisting and supporting, which means that helping is an act of co-building and co-creation – it is an act of me stepping in to move with another in achieving a particular outcome. After that comes the word giving, which means that helping is an act of me sharing myself with another, an act of generosity – an act of me seeing that if I was in the position of the person that requires help, I would like to be given this service or resource as it would benefit me.

Thus, in my redefinition of helping I have made it clear that helping is an act of giving and co-creation – and the primary principle behind it all is that of giving as I would like to receive – and seeing the needs/requirements of another and acting to support another to fulfill those. Not because I am going to get anything in return, but because I care for another and wish the best life possible unto another.

In the following I am going to apply self-forgiveness and define my self-corrections as to my current relationship with the word help.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect emotions of anger, irritation and frustration towards helping – and immediately as I am asked to help – become irritated, frustrated, and feel pulled away from what I am doing, my life, and ‘important things’ instead of seeing, realizing and understand that this ‘important thin, is really existing as my own needs/desires and is not all the time that important, but merely an idea of what is important – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself through this self-absorbed way of observing the world to instead see what I can contribute for the betterment of the whole

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately as someone ask me for help feel disturbed and obstructed in my life, to feel as if someone is standing in my way, and this someone is being really annoying, wanting to control, rule, and direct my life without my permission, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only see my life, to only see my desires, to only see what I want to see, and to the whole, not the needs and requirements of the person that is in-front of me, but only my own needs, and desires, and only that which will be supportive for me, and my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become irritated and angry when I have to help another, because I feel that they are taking me away from the things that I have to do for myself, and that I am being obstructed, and hindered in my movement, because I now have to do all these various things for another that I do not really want to do, and that I do not really want to be a part of, because want to do that which feels important to me – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not expand my view and perspective of this world, and the people within it, to see, realize and understand that this world does not only consist of me, and that there is a lot more to take into account, and one of these points is that sometimes helping another is what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become resistant, doubtful, and hesitant when someone asks me to help, because I feel that I shouldn’t have to help them, and I fear that potentially they are using me, and they will not help me anything in return – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this experience within me is not real, and that what I instead should ask myself in the moment is whether helping, and supporting another with this point is best for all, and if I notice that I due to this get too much on my plate, then to delegate, and ask others to step in for me, to ask for help, so that all can share the workload

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am being used when someone asks me to help them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am compromising myself when someone asks me to help them – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that maybe, behind my back, I am seen as weak, because I agree with others and what they ask of me to do, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as weak and inferior within how I apply myself in my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged by another as being lenient and weak, and fear that they are going to start using me, because I am helping them out without any demands on my side, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to set a precedent where I am shown as being weak – and that others are going to start abusing me because I have set this precedent that is to lenient

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate helping with being/feeling abused, and misused – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not redefine helping into a concept that is supportive and best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to help people too much, and be too nice, and in that start compromising myself, and my life – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to lose control over myself and my life, and start doing what everyone else wants me to do, instead of what I require, and have to do – thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing touch with myself because all my focus is upon others, and what I should/have to do with others in order to support them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that it is unfair that I have to help another – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that nobody ever helps me, so why should I have to help another, why should I have to give of my time?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel used when someone asks me to help them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel misused when someone asks me to help them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that it is unfair that I have to help another because they will probably not help me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to give of myself and not get anything in return – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to lose myself and my stability because I will get spread thinly and used

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that there is a difference between being abused, and used, and that being used is not problematic, while being abused, which is to be used improperly, and in a way that causes negative outcomes for someone – and thus I see, realize and understand that being used is part of helping – and that as long as there are no consequences developing – it is completely in order to be used for a moment

Self-commitment statements

When and as someone asks for help, and I notice myself going into a resistance, a doubt and hesitancy, I stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that if I am able to help another, and I can see that helping another in this context would be what I would want for myself, then helping another is what is best for all – and thus something to honor – hence I commit myself – to when asked: Take a look at my day, and where I am within it, what I have to do, and look whether I can assist and support another in what they ask of me, and then I give them an answer, where I state that YES I will help, or NO because I have to do this instead – and thus I commit myself to answer unconditionally – with no strings attached as me wanting anything in return

I commit myself to HELP unconditionally as a giving of myself to another, where I do not expect anything in return

When and as someone asks me for help, and I become doubtful, and fearful that they might be abusing me, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that being abused by another would be when what is asked of me creates consequences in my life, or the life of another, where I as such would contribute to a world that is less than best, and thus I commit myself to in the moment cross-reference whether me helping another would initiate such an outflow, and within that give a clear answer back as either YES I will help – or NO

When and as I see myself reacting in anger, irritation and frustration as I am asked to, and then decide to help another, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this irritation comes up because I feel that it is unfair that I have to help another – though I see that I will never be able to expand my consideration and care for others if I only do the bare minimum – and that I won’t expand in my motivation and self-creation potential if I only do the same as others and not more – and thus I commit myself to move myself without the concept of what is fair or unfair – and instead look at – is this best? Does this contribute to a better world, a better life? And if it does – then I do it

Day 262: Finding a Solution

a puzzle piece made of grassWhen I turn on the television and look at the conventional newscasts that are aired every night, most often what will be shared is problems. There are problems with schools, problems with politicians, problems with money, problems with crime, problems with jobs, problems with immigrants. Seemingly millions of problems, yet, what is very, very rare is the sharing of a solution. Why is that?

To answer this question, let us take a look at our own lives, and how we approach difficulties, issues, conflicts, and other tough points that arise in our day-to-day living. Because where is our focus? We look at the problem – and over, and over again we regurgitate in our minds how big our problems are. And what we many times miss is to actively look for the SOLUTIONS. So, in this blog I am going to share a practical living application that has assisted and supported me to be more immediate, and direct when it comes to handling problems that open up in my world – and walk them into a SOLUTION.

I will share a short story from my own life that will serve as an example of this practical application: I am at the moment building an expansion to my mother’s farmhouse. The plan is that my partner and I are going to live here, and share the spacious farm environment together with my mother. It is really a fun process to be part off. Though, when it comes to building, and acquiring a house like this, it requires a lot of capital, and because of this my partner and I have had to take on a loan. And today is I was looking at the building site, and the development of the expansion, a anxiety come up from within, and it went like this: “Oh, we are taking on so much debt to be able to do this! Shit! I could have decided to live more cheaply! Man, now I will be stuck with this for a long time!”

When that thought, and energy came up within me, initially I went into it. Then I applied self-forgiveness, and instead of continuing to exist in a state of worry/anxiety I began to look at a SOLUTION. Hence, I asked myself, what is the solution to this problem I am facing? And I realized that, instead of worrying about what this project costs, I can appreciate the fact that I do have the opportunity to do something like this in my life, and really involve myself in the construction of my future abode. And instead of looking at the debt as a point of pressure, see that me taking on this debt does allow me to walk, and experience a cool process of creation together with my partner. Thus I am in an optimum position to actually create, and be part of building the future of my life from the ground up, because an important part of my future will be my house, where I am going to live.

When I realized this, I could see that it was up to me to define WHO I AM in relation to this project that I have committed myself to walk. And I understood that I must make the decision, and unless I do that, my circumstances will do it for me. But do I want to walk through my life and feel pressured just because I have debt? No – I want to be able to live, and appreciate the environment and the life I am creating for myself. Hence the solution to my problem is to live this appreciation, this enjoyment, and push myself to explore and participate in this adventure that is unfolding day by day.

This is thus an example of the practical application of how we are able find SOLUTIONS to the inner conflicts we face. I have practiced the point of immediately as a reaction comes up within me, apply a self-forgiveness statement, and then look for, and live a solution. It is not as easy as it sounds, but developing such a skill is priceless – and really – it is what we as humanity needs to create. We are too much in love with our problems and it is not good for us – thus as a rule of thumb – I suggest that we place the focus in our minds 90 % on solutions, and only 10 % on finding and gauging problems.

Day 205: Stressed-out when expected to perform

Today at my job I was driving some customers to the location where they wanted to be dropped off (I’m working as a cab driver) – and up until that point everything went smoothly. But, when I was about to handle the money transaction, the system that I use to wire these payments suddenly stopped working – and due to that the customers had to sit in the car and wait for me to restart the system and re-do the entire process of handling the money transaction – and this was the first point of stress.

The second point of stress that then entered the picture was a car in-front of mine, because as I’d stopped at the end location and begun the process of arranging the payments – a man walked out of a building and entered into his car that was just beside where I’d placed mine, and that car had now been blocked on the driveway and was unable to move out on the streets – and on top of that the location in itself was extremely tight and there wasn’t much space for errors when navigating the car.

So, in the same span of time I’d to deal with these two stressors, and that made me jumpy – worried about the customers experiences, worried about the experience of the driver in the other car that I was now blocking, and worried about the very tight spaces I’d to navigate. I noticed how my left calf tightened, and how my physical body became more hard and restricted – I was entering into a defense-mode where my perspective of the world changed from me being here – finding solutions – interacting and being stable – to survival mode.

Thus – I find it interesting that it wasn’t in particular the situation, as the various points that occurred at the same time, that was stressful – because I was very much aware of the cars, the customers, the tight spaces, and what was required to be done in order to get the point to a conclusion – what was stressful was that there where people involved – and that triggered the fear of conflict, the fear of dealing with pissed off and unhappy customers, and an equally pissed of an unhappy car owner that isn’t able to get out because I am blocking the driveway.

Though, it’s obvious that this fear isn’t necessary at all – because even before the fear emerged within me, I was dealing with the point, and that happened solely on a physical level – thus I see that these situations doesn’t have to be stressful or create angst within me – because they can be walked through physically, directed physically, and solved physically – only with the help and assistance of the human physical body – that is everything I need and require to walk through hectic situations and difficult problems.

Then it’s also to see, realize and understand that even though I do get fearful as to having others react in anger, and frustration, this won’t ameliorate the situation, it won’t prevent people from becoming pissed off and angry – rather it will just put me in a position of being worried and afraid, and then on-top of that someone might lash out anyhow – thus also here fear serves no practical purpose whatsoever – rather the solution is to focus on what must be directed, how must it be directed, what steps must be taken to steer the entire mishap or whatever is going on into a solution – thus the attention and focus must be on the SOLUTION – what can be practically and physically done to direct the point.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be stressed out and worried when dealing with a situation where I’ve people around me that expect me to act, to think that I’m in their way and obstructing their life, and they want me to get a move on – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to such circumstances through going into stress, and fear – and worrying about what these other people are going to think of me – whether or whether not they might lash out upon me – whether or whether not they might be happy with me in the end – instead of accepting and allowing myself to focus upon the solution and what I’m able to practically do in order to ameliorate the situation at hand

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become stressed out and worried when and as I perceive that I’m in the way of another, or causing another’s momentum to be obstructed – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately react within and as fear, anxiety and worry – believing that I must move myself as fast as possible, as to avoid a conflict, as to avoid the other person becoming angry at me, and lashing out upon me, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my focus and attention upon wanting to satisfy another, wanting to make sure that they aren’t going to in anyway lash out on me, or become angry and nasty with me, not seeing, realizing and understanding that in that I’m missing the solution – missing the practical point of direction that can be taken to correct the situation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in stress and fear when and as I believe that others think I’m in their way, and their becoming angry at me – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others becoming angry at me, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tighten my body, and harden myself, when and as I perceive that others are becoming angry – thinking that this way I can create a form of shell around me, to push away and redirect any form of negative energy – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how anger isn’t a dangerous poison or force that I must shove away at any and all costs – but that anger is rather a energy and something that can move in me and through me without me being affected by it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to going into a state of physical hardness and inflexibility when and as I perceive that someone is getting annoyed and angry with me – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that this way I’m protecting myself from harm, this way I’m able to make sure that another doesn’t get to me unprepared, and take me by surprise – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become emotional and fearful – and try to solve and direct the situation in this fear – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the most effective way of dealing with this situation will be me remaining stable – remaining here with and as my human physical body – and me continuing to walk – to apply and direct myself in the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in order to deal with the situation that is before me effectively, I require to actually let go of the fear, let go of the stress, let go of thinking about what others might think about me, and how others might react towards me – because only then I can actually focus on the situation that is at hand – focus on the point that requires direction – focus on the point that must be moved – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and bring myself back here to and as my human physical body – and make sure that I place my attention and presence here in the physical and that I look at what is physically here and what must be practically done – and not going into that stress and anxiety experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that becoming stressed because I worry about how others might react towards me, is a valid stress, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not in the moments when this stressor emerge within me, stop this point, and direct it – but instead allow it to continue, and fester upon me, thinking that being stressed is the only way I’m able to deal with a situation characterized by pressure – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how there are other ways of dealing with pressure, and with difficult situations – realizing that fear and stress is not an effective motivator because they change my thinking, my way of looking at things, make me sloppy and hasty in moving through my life – which causes me to miss points – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to remain stable, and even though the situation is pressurizing – to walk it here within and as my human physical body in stability

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I perceive that another is becoming irritated with me because I am obstructing, or not behaving in a way he or she defines to be suitable, to go into wanting to please that person, and make that person happy and satisfied – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately want to make sure that the other person in question feels good again, feels satisfied and happy and content with my actions – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the actions that are in their very nature self-compromising, and that compromises my life and my position – to make sure I save myself from someone becoming angry at me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not face the anger and irritation of another within and as stability – within and as physical presence and stability here wherein I hear the words or see the state of another – but I don’t accept and allow myself to react and take it personally – and believe that this state is some form of dangerous state that I must at any cost and price avoid and remove from my world forcefully – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make the decision to face anger within and as stability – to when I notice that a fear emerge – or a stress emerge – to take the opportunity to stabilize myself in my chest area – apply self-forgiveness and release myself from the possession

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am going into stress, and worry, when I am in a pressured situation, and I perceive that others are expecting me to movie, and to apply myself to sort out the situation as fast as possible, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I am in this moment limiting myself and my ability to effectively deal with and sort out the problem that I am facing, because my focus and attention goes to what others think, to fear, to stress, to an experience – instead of my attention being firmly placed here within and as my human physical body – within and as the presence of breathe here; and thus I commit myself re-align my focus to the physical – and re-align my focus to looking at what possible solutions there are that can be applied to direct the situation – and thus keep myself in the physical and not go into the mind – and live the moment from within and as energy

When and as I see that I am going into stress, because I fear that another will become angry, and annoyed with me, because I am not doing something fast or enough, or I am standing in the way of another, obstructing and taking their time, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here to and as my human physical body – and I see, realize and understand that through becoming stressed about possible lashing out, and irritations, I’m limiting myself because my focus becomes upon pleasing others, making sure that others don’t respond and react, and in that I miss the physical, miss directing myself here according to what is best for all – to what is see is common sense – and what I see will work effectively; and thus I commit myself to take a breath and to bring myself back here – and place my focus on the physical reality and look for what is common sense – what is best for all – and then walk that point of what is best for all and realize that this point takes priority before someone getting annoyed and angry with me – that what is best for all must come first every time

Day 165: Car-Incident Continued

I will continue writing about the car-incident that played out a couple of days ago because I am still not clear about this point.

So, I notice that the backchat comes up: Why me? Why did it happen? What did I do wrong? And accompanied with this thought comes an emotion of indignation, and anger, as well as regret. I can see that I did take this entire event very personally, and the attack against my car actually feels like an attack towards me, and my person, as I’ve been in some way violated. I can also see that my backchat circles around the point of the presumed perpetrator, what he felt, how he thought, and whether he was angry, or not – and this also goes in hand with how I experience this event as a personal thing, something that was done unto me, the innocent victim, by this bad, brutish, and spiteful presumed perpetrator in my mind.

I find this event interesting from the perspective of how it can be generalized and expanded into the greater world system, and how it really gets to the essence of what the human mind as it currently operates. Because, consider how many that daily face this type of meaningless destruction in their lives, in particular those that happen to become involved in wars. They have everything in their lives ripped away and destroyed, meaninglessly, without a valid reason, and all their hard work and labor, which had been put into building their lives, torn away in a moment. This goes to show how the mind exist and functions, because the fact is that the mind have no stakes in this physical world, it only requires energy, experiences, and there is no consideration for what is physical, what is real, and the process that has gone into establishing the physical, nurturing and life giving structures of this world – for the mind that is merely things that stands in the way of what it wants and desires; and so, we have wars – were we will destroy each-others lives because it’s what we want to do, with no consideration of what we’re really doing, or that harm we’re causing another.

This point of spiteful and arrogant destruction can also be seen in how we live in our closest relationships, we often speak words without awareness of how they will affect another, because we want to do it, we feel like doing it, and because it serves our self-interest – and when we become angry, we let it fly, because we want to, it’s apparently our free choice. Though, what we can see, when we look a little deeper, is that there is no FREE choice, because all our choices have an outflow, there is a cost to everything we do, and the sum of our choices can be seen in the general state of the world, which is not cool at all.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when and as someone lives out a pattern of anger, frustration, or irritation, and destroys something that I own, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as a experience of feeling disregarded, powerless, and victimized, wherein I judge and blame the other individual as being the evil perpetrator that caused this bad, and hellish experience for me, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally, and define myself as a weak and inferior victim that have no stake in what happened, and that it just came into my world, and I had nothing to do with it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become stuck in blame instead of understanding the situation, and realizing that the this point is a multidimensional and aggregate of various points that play out into the event of my car being destroyed, and in that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame, judge, and feel that I’ve been personally violated, instead of accepting and allowing myself to remain stable, and stick with breath, and stand in this world, but not be of this world, and thus use situations such as this one, to get to understand, and see how the mind of the human operates, how my mind operates, and what the consequences are of going into and becoming possessed within one’s mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with blame, and emotions of feeling unjustly attacked, and powerless, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate these experiences in my mind, through constantly, and continuously thinking about this event, thinking about the perpetrator, thinking about what drove him, thinking about how it would’ve been if this event had not taken place, thinking about how much labor, and effort that had to be given and walked in order to correct his particular play-out and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and be angry at another for causing consequences in my life, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for this point, in realizing that I am part of creating this world system, and that I’ve participated in the same mind patterns as the perpetrator, of wanting revenge, of wanting to live out my anger, and spite another, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I thus can’t judge another, and I can’t see myself as being superior and more than another, because I am not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I am not superior, and that I am not in a position to judge someone that goes into spite, anger, irritation, and revenge, because I’ve lived and applied the same point in my life, and at those times I was not at the receiving end, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge, blame and attack another in my mind, instead of bringing this point back to myself, and ask myself how it is that I’ve lived out this point, and how it is that I am able to stand as a solution in my life, and live as the example of not anymore going into, and living out these very consequential mind possessions, but instead taking self-responsibility and stopping oneself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that becoming angry, and feeling hurt, is not solution, and that rather, it will be far more effective for me to take this as a opportunity to learn and to deepen my understanding of the human mind, and of my own mind, and to use this event to question myself, and to see whether I still accept and allow myself to live out mind possessions that are of the same nature, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it’s unacceptable to live out a mind-pattern, act and behave from a starting point of wanting to, and feeling like I want to do it, without regard or concern for how my actions influence and affect another, and thus I commit myself to practice consideration in all my decisions, in my words, in my mannerism, and in my behavior, and to push myself to not anymore just live and do what I feel like doing, but to realize that my actions have consequences

Self-commitment statements

I commit myself to when I speak, and interact with others, and I experience myself angry, frustrated, or irritated, and I want to snap, or attack another in someway, to stop myself, bring myself back here, and remind myself of what the nature of such an act really in-fact entails, and that I would not want to be at the receiving end of such an application, and as such I commit myself to take a breath, to stabilize myself, and to deal with my demons with self-forgiveness, alone, and by myself, and as such stand as a solution, stopping the circlesof reactions, and consequences, and instead forgiving, letting go and transcending, and moving through the mind

Day 122: Expectations, Proof of Insanity?

ExpectationsI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have expectations on my surrounding environment, on the people in my world, on the relationships in my world, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have this set idea in my mind as to how I want people to be, behave, and what characteristics I want them to have – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry, frustrated, irritated and annoyed when and as I feel that people in my world do not have the characteristics that I want and desire them to have

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want people in my world to be disciplined, and to be strong, to not complain, and not bother me with their worldly problems – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an expectation in my mind on how I want people to be, on how I want them to interact, on how I want them to see life, and be in relationship to their own life, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this expectation, and idea of how I want people to be, that it isn’t real, it isn’t a factual part of life, it is just my ideas, experiences, and feelings about this world, people, and this reality – and thus I am expecting this world to be like my mind expects it to be which is obviously completely insane

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry and frustrated, and irritated when and as my expectations aren’t fulfilled, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my world and reality when my expectations aren’t fulfilled as I want them to be, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is that I can’t expect my world and reality to be like I want it to be, and that my wants, and desires, and expectations aren’t real – they are not in-fact a part of reality and thus it’s completely insane for me to expect my desires, wants, and expectations to be mirrored in reality, and to have results in reality, and that my reality is to shape itself according to what I am participating in within my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry, annoyed and frustrated when people in my world does not live up to my expectations of them, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect of people that they are supposed to be motivated, and disciplined, and that they are supposed to have a drive to want to improve themselves, and become better, more effective, and stronger – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry and irritated when and as I perceive that people in my life have no such will, and that they seemingly do not care about becoming better or more – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become caught within and as this expectation in my mind as to how I want people to be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an expectation of people, that they are supposed to care for their environment, be considerate, and precise, and specific in regards for caring for their environment, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry, irritated and frustrated when people in my world doesn’t live up to this idea in my mind of I believe and think that people should be, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am holding unto this imaginary idea of how I believe and think that people should be, an idea that is not real, and that is not represented in reality, and thus I become disappointed, and annoyed time and time again, because people just doesn’t fit into my idea of how I think they should be; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to get to know and see people in my world unconditionally, without judgments, without expectations, without any form of cloth of thought between me and them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have expectations on myself as to who I should be, how I should live, how I should experience myself, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry, annoyed, irritated and frustrated when and as I do not live up to my own expectations of how I believe that I should be, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the limited nature of expectations, and how in holding unto expectations I am not accepting and allowing myself to see myself – and I am instead seeing but a idea of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept and allow myself to see myself unconditionally as how I exist here, and to as such remove all blankets, and cloths before my eyes, so that I am able to see myself here – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I have a expectation on myself I am in-fact hiding parts of myself and deliberately refusing to recognize them, and as such I just leave them to be and occasionally when they pop up within me, I instead of direct them, work with them, and release, react in frustration and anger and suppress them – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of expectations on myself and others, to be perfect, without flaws, disciplined, motivated, and self-moving at all times, without any form of imperfection

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand I am creating unnecessary consequences within me through having an idea of myself as who I am supposed to be, and how I am supposed to be, and each time that I am not living up to this idea within me, go into a reaction irritation, anger and frustration – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to realize that I can in-fact live without reaction, without experiences, without ideas, and self-definitions as to who and what I am supposed to be – and that it’s really completely without cause and reason to have expectations on myself because they aren’t even real to begin with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of the veil of expectations, and realize that they are no practical use, they are of no practical relevance, they are merely these unnecessary points in the way for me in regards to seeing myself, seeing this world, seeing people, understanding myself, understanding this world, understanding people – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not unconditionally release myself from the grasp of expectations and allow myself to see what is here with fresh untainted eyes – free from expectations

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am creating an expectation of someone in my mind, or talking about someone in my mind as to what I think that they should be doing, and what I think they shouldn’t be doing, comparing them with my expectations of them, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that my expectations are obviously not real – my expectations are obviously not valid and as such it’s without reason and cause to hold unto them; as such I commit myself to let go of these expectations and see what is here for what it is – nothing more and nothing less

When and as I see that I am becoming angry and frustrated because someone in my world is not acting, behaving and living as I expect of them, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand how it is that I am in-fact creating this resistance and energy within me, because I have a dream in my head as a story that I believe my physical reality should be like, and look like, which is completely mental; as such I commit myself to be HERE with reality and not superimpose a mind based story on reality – but to see directly what is here for what it is – nothing more and nothing less

Enhanced by Zemanta