Tag Archives: anxious

Day 425: Revisiting STRUCTURE

This week I have returned to look at the word STRUCTURE and one person that supports me a lot when it comes to practically applying and living this word is my partner, because in many areas of her life, she is very structured – and one such area is cooking.

When I was younger, my way of cooking used to be very chaotic. Let us say that I were supposed to cook beef, potatoes and some sauce. I would then throw myself into it without prior considerations, and probably, begin frying the meat, while at the same time trying to peel the potatoes and stirring the sauce, hence creating a very chaotic environment for myself – thus no structure.

Through my partner, I have come to appreciate planning, preparation and considering the process of cooking before embarking on the journey. Hence, what I do now, is that I will prepare all the raw material, before I begin to do something with it. Hence I will peel all the potatoes, I will cut the meat, and I will pick out the ingredients for the sauce. By doing this, I have been able to create a much more relaxing and rewarding relationship with cooking, and obviously, I have become a better cook. Though, there are still points that I want to improve and expand upon in relation to my cooking.

The first point is to learn to slow down to read the recipe, preferably two times, so that I make sure that I know the steps needed to be walked to cook the dish. This practice of slowing down and looking/investigating/researching before I move and act is actually something that I would like to integrate in other parts of my life as well – because I have a tendency of moving too fast. When I get excited about something, I want to move NOW – however – the problem with this is that I will then many times miss points and make unnecessary mistakes, that could have been easily prevented with a little bit of forethought.

Another cool example of living structure that I realized as of late had to do with removing rust on my car. I had been thinking of removing the rust for a while, however, I had only thought about it, and not really planned how I would do it, for instance, where I would park the car, what kind of materials I would use, how long it would take, etc. Then one day, I just began, I put the car outside and started removing the rust spots, and naturally, it began to rain as I was applying the new coating. I stopped, and looked at what I was doing. I could see and feel that I was moving in a state of stress and excitement, I wanted to move, move, move, and get done, move ahead, apply – however – in that state of stress/excitement – I was missing to PLAN and take into CONSIDERATION my environment – and effectively preparing myself and my surroundings so that I would be able to walk through my project successfully.

I then decided to change direction. I used about two hours to clear out the garage, to prepare a work bench, electricity and effective lightning, preparing my environment for the operation I was about to commence, until I satisfied and content. Then I began anew with my project, and this time it flowed A LOT better.

Thus, similar to cooking, in making minor reparations on my car, it is very supportive to prepare, plan, look ahead, and structure my movement and my environment, before moving on to the actual production. Though, it is fascinating, that at times, this preparatory phase does not feel as real, as important, as significant as the actual ‘production’ phase – and I will actually resist spending the necessary time, preparing the point. However, this is a faulty proposition, because ALL parts of the project, is in-fact, however indirectly, connected to the actual production, and will all have an influence on the finished result. And it is the same with cooking. The cooking process will be a lot less stressful, and hence, there will be more time to direct the specifics, and make sure that the details are in place.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to jump immediately to the ‘productive phase’ of a particular project/expression and not prepare or structure my movement beforehand, and hence, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, how it is that I am in-fact compromising the finished result, compromising my expression, because structuring, and preparing, are actually important aspects of the process and indirectly impacts the finished result of whatever it is that I am participating within

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that by placing focus on the finished result and the direct actions that result in the finished result, and not looking at the entire process of creation as a whole, I am limiting myself and my movement within the point, and I am compromising the finished result, as I am not allowing myself to structure my movement, to create a sound foundation from which I am able to move and create myself and express myself within the particular project that I am taking part in

Self-commitment statement

When and as I feel stress, excited and anxious to get going, and I want to move on a project without structuring it, preparing for it, and considering the walking of the project, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand, that I have consistently proven to myself, that I will do a lot better, and the finished result will be much more effective, when I take time to structure my movement, when I take time to look at what is required and needed, and how to best facilitate my movement, and then, when I have made that plan, move myself forward – thus I commit myself to practice preparation, structure, slowing down, and using the time that I need, in order to walk a point of creation methodically and slowly, to get it done in the best way possible.


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Day 371: Chilling Out

Some time has passed since I finished my studies and got my first job – and in it has been a process with some changes. One of the biggest shifts has been that I have had a lot less time while working compared to when I was studying. This change took me by surprise and a couple of times, especially lately, I have reacted to the point that I do not have more time to my disposal. Instead of embracing the my life at moment simply does not contain the amount of leisure time that I had access to before, I have tried to handle it within the starting point of making myself more efficient. I do see that such a application is a cool way to tackle lack of time, however, it is also important to make sure that the decision to practice time efficiency is not based on fear or a reaction towards not having as much time  when compared to the past.

Last week I really pushed time efficiency, though afterwards, I could see that it was from within and as a starting point of fear – because I scurried about trying to do as much as possible without really getting anything done – and as I woke up the next morning – I could literally feel in my body how I had been moving myself too fast the day before. Another point that I could notice with how I moved myself was the way I prioritized the different activities/tasks were not effectively aligned. I felt pressured to continue certain tasks, that when looking at them objectively, were not in any way as urgent as I made them out to be.

Thus, there is a difference between being efficient with time and being stressed/uptight about time. The latter way of relating to time is when we believe that we should strive towards getting as much done as possible. Obviously, getting a lot of things done does not in itself mean that our life will be effectively organized and directed – because for us to be effective in that regard as well – we must be able to prioritize, to see the big picture, and ascertain as well as specify what order activities/tasks should be walked. When we are able to do that, as well as being efficient with our time, then we are making real progress.

However, just scurrying about trying to do as much as possible, that is not only inefficient, it also puts a strain on the body. The body should always be considered in any type of schedule. If we do not make space and time for the body to recuperate and rejuvenate from labor we will not be effective and in time our body will show physical symptoms of our disregard. That is why time efficiency does not imply ‘doing things as fast as possible’ – rather – being efficient with time is to know the limits of the physical, to plan and organize effectively, and to prioritize, and not become stressed/anxious/worried when there simply is not enough time for certain tasks/activities. If that happens, it is better to simply let them go, and then when time opens up another day, to then pursue the point.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become winded up when I notice that I do not have enough time to do everything I have planned, and then try to force the execution and creation of my plans into reality, not seeing, realizing and understanding, that I am by doing that creating consequences for myself, I am harming myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force my plans and visions into creation instead of walking breath by breath – HERE in the physical – not accepting and allowing myself to attempt try to skip steps and move to fast – but to see, realize and understand that my movement and creation of points will be efficient – when I walk HERE – in the physical – not trying to do more than – or less than – but remaining in the physical – doing things breath by breath – moving points breath by breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not move myself in balance and equilibrium with my external reality – and to within this see, realize and understand – that when I try to force points from within and as a starting point of stress – I am creating consequences for my human physical body – and then – further – I am creating consequences in the sense that what I do is usually not done very effectively – because I rush through it – trying to complete it – not seeing, realizing and understanding that for an expression to come through nicely – I must invest the time and effort required – and that cannot be controlled by my stress and urge to get points done now

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to force the creation of time, to force getting and having more time on my hands, and to go into an emotional turmoil and conflict when I feel that there is not enough time to do what I have planned – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it is not the time that I push and change, it is rather my planning, my organization and my priorities – and also see that when I attempt and try to force points into creation – prematurely birthing them and placing them into this world even though the prerequisites for such a creation is not here – then I am creating consequences

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not chill out – to allow myself to let go of the need, the urge, to complete certain tasks – to asks myself in self-honesty whether it is in-fact as important to complete this point that I am looking as it seems and feels inside of my mind – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath, to bring myself back here to and as my human physical body, and to move with breath, to move with the physical, to move one step at a time, and to assess in each moment if it works, if I am moving myself effectively – and if I am satisfied with how the point is playing out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate getting things done with a positive feeling – to think that it is positive, it is good, it is beneficial the more things that I get done – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question this premise – because why would it be good the more things I get done? There is nothing within getting things done that in itself creates a better me, or a better world, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that I have been indoctrinated into a ‘productive’ mind-set – where the production is what matters – the amount of products produced – and not the presence within that production and work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value quantity before quality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there is a value in how I get things done – to see that it is not only about producing and showing a product – it is also about who I am in the making and creation of that product – because if I am running around in a state of stress – then what does it really mean to be able to create a lot of things? Because I am not really HERE anyway – I am not really living anyway – so what does it then matter that I am able to produce and create a lot of things?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practice comfortable and easy-going – chilled out – movement – to move myself breath by breath – from point to point – getting things done in a steady and consistent pace – not accepting and allowing myself to become rushed – and then attempt and try to rush the completion of what I am doing so that I can get to the next point – no – I move myself breath by breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself that I will get things done – maybe not now – but if I stick to the point and I move myself consistently – little by little – day by day – then I will move the point into completion eventually – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have this expansive way of viewing my reality – where I see the entire timeline of a creation stretched out into the future – and I do not accept and allow myself to become zoned in and possessed with wanting to and trying to finish and complete something HERE in this moment

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am rushing myself, forcing myself to move to get as many points done as possible, I take a breath, I bring myself back here, and I stop myself, and I see, realize and understand that being efficient with time, also implies moving myself consistently, with a comfortable pace for my body, taking breaks and moments to support my body – being realistic about what can be done, prioritizing and making sure that I pursue the most important tasks first and organizing and planning my time – and also having an overview – seeing that some projects and tasks will take longer to complete – and that it is nothing wrong in itself – it is simply what it is – that is how physical reality operates – certain points takes time; thus I commit myself to move myself breath by breath – and when I get stressed or I notice that I jump in my thought processes between various projects – I take a breath – I ground myself back here – and I continue to move myself in a comfortable pace with the ONE project I got going HERE

And – I commit myself to develop the skills of prioritizing, planning and organizing – to as such develop an overview of my life – and also learn what is important and what is not – to understand within this that to produce is not what matters – what matters is who I am within that – and that I am creating a life for myself and others that is effective and supportive in all dimensions and aspects of living


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Day 299: Anxiety and Fear When I Am In The Center of Everyone’s Attention

Today a situation played out at work where I for a moment was in the center of everyone’s attention. This brought a emotion of feeling uncertainty, insecurity, and anxiety – because when I am in the center of attention – I have this tendency to think about how I am perceived and seen by others.

I have written about this point before, and also been able to change and direct this experience during a couple of instances, and now I fell, which was a bit disappointing to me. As the point was playing out, I did have a vague inner voice saying that I can correct my experience by placing my attention and focus on breath, and also apply self-forgiveness. However, that inner vague voice never materialized, as I did not act on it. And afterwards, I was sitting with this experience in myself; why did I not change, or direct this experience within me?

Hence, in this blog I am going to work with this experience further, and also clarify a couple of points to myself, and also for you, the reader as well. Firstly, what defines me is not the fall in itself, rather it is WHO I AM after the fall, and what actions I decide to walk to support myself to transcend and learn to direct the experience. Thus, in this case, I am sitting down to write out the experience, investigate it, learn from it, and eventually learn to direct it.

Secondly, I can either look at a fall as something to resent, OR, I can use a fall to my advantage – and utilize it to expand myself in my process of self-creation. This is what I am doing here through writing this blog, I am standing up within myself, saying to myself, that this experience and way of interacting with other people is not something that I wish to have as a part of my character – instead I want to be able to be in the center of attention and remain STABLE, CALM, SELF-DIRECTED, in SELF-CERTAINTY and SELF-CONFIDENCE, and be RELAXED and at EASE in my physical body. That is the vision I see for myself, and what I want to establish in my life when it comes to social interactions, and when it comes to being in the center of attention.

That being established, lets look at the specifics of this moment particular moment. I can see that the origin point, the underlying issue is in-fact self-judgment. This self-judgment is then projected unto others and takes shape in backchat such as; “What do others think about me?” – “What do others see in me?” – “Do others like me or not?” – and so forth. It also takes the shape of uncertainty, because in judging myself, I am trying to be something or someone that I hope can be accepted by another, and looking at it more deeply, actually accepted by myself.

I can see this judgment towards myself coming up when it comes to establishing relationships with others. Because, when it comes to for example, deciding to meet another, and that person does not immediately show up on time; I will have backchat come up that this person does not like me, that I have done something wrong, that I have not acted properly, that they have in some way decided to push me out of their lives because they are not content with me. Hence, this shows that on a deep level within me, I do not see or recognize my own value, I do not accept myself as being valuable. And that is why I feel so happy and positive when people seem to take a liking to me, because in my twisted self-image, I do no see myself as worthy of such a relationship.

What is the solution?

It is quite simple; practice self-acceptance and valuing myself – RECOGNIZING and SEEING the value in myself. Giving myself recognition for my strengths, skills, and abilities, and for the integrity that I have developed throughout this process. There is much more to me than I admit, a unassailable value that I have not allowed myself to embrace and stand with – as I have seen myself as flawed and imperfect. That is what must change.

So, a solution can be, that when I notice this anxiety, stress and uncertainty come up within me – that I state within myself my qualities for which I am genuinely proud – such as: Discipline, Integrity, Openness, Loyal, Curious, Investigative, Questioning, Expressive, Spontaneous, Specific, Focused, Detailed, and Structured – these are qualities that I see and recognize in myself and for which I value myself.

And thus – it is a matter of continuously stopping this self-abuse of focusing on my flaws and weaknesses, and also seeing my positive and strong sides. And then also, to accept my bad sides, to not try to hide or suppress the fact that I do have weaknesses, but to accept and embrace the entirety of me. Because suppression does not work, and real self-change cannot take place unless I allow myself to SEE what it is within me that is required to be changed and directed.

Day 291: Self-forgiveness on Stress and Work Related Fears

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become worked up by my office environment – to work myself up into a state of ‘working frenzy’ where I drive myself forward utilizing fear and anxiety – and where I create this state of adrenaline in my body – where I am on a high and I cannot come down to earth – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not come down to earth – down to my physical body – down back here to what is real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become taken for a ride when I am at work in the stress and fear energy that I feel resides in the work environment – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and exist in a state of stress and pressure where I feel constantly pushed to move myself in a state of stress and fear – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drive myself into this state of anxiety and stress – where I am not grounded – and I do not work and apply myself from a grounded starting point but instead exist in my mind in a state of adrenaline and stress

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pump myself up into a state of adrenaline when I go to work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pump myself up into a state of survival when and as I go to work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pump myself up into a state of adrenaline and anxiety and stress when I am working – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate working with stress and anxiety – to associate coming to work and applying myself in work with stress and anxiety – and feel that I am competing with others about being the best that I can be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress myself into working

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate working with stress – and associate waking up on a weekday with stress – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I cannot stop, change and direct this experience within me of being stressful and tense when it comes to working

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to in real time moments change my way of working – from stress – to instead working here in the physical – being effective and moving myself in breath – one moment at a time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself in real time moments to change myself – re-directing my stress and living instead self-directed, effective, movement – taking a breath – and standing effective efficacious here – taking the role of my own directive principle – and thus stating within me that stress and fear is no longer needed cause I take responsibility for and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tense up when I am working – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not continuously remind myself that I am more effective when I work in breath – when I work with the physical – when I work and apply myself here and do not accept and allow myself to stress myself in my work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be tense when I am interacting at my work – and be fearful of my colleagues – and fearful that they think I am not working hard enough

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be fearful that my boss thinks that I am not working hard enough

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be fearful that my boss thinks that I am a bad worker and that I produce bad results

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear for my own survival – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drive myself forward in a state of fear and anxiety – believing that this will assure my survival and make certain that I am not going to lose myself in life in a state of poverty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use stress and fear to impress on my colleagues – and use stress, fear and adrenaline to push myself forward in work – believing that I cannot walk/push myself in work without such chemicals in my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to have chemicals in my body to push myself to do anything

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to feel a drive to be driven – that I need to feel motivated to be motivated – that I need to feel an urge to move – to move – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand as these words by my own decision and choice

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I am charging, and creating this state of adrenaline throughout my day, through participating and moving myself from within and as a stress and fear energy, moving myself from within and as a state of anxiety, instead of moving myself from within and as a physical decision here to work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by my co-workers, and blame my co-workers for me experiencing and moving myself within and as a state of stress

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my co-workers for me feeling stressed, thinking that is their making, and if they would relax more, then I would too

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I must make the decision to stand, the decision to not move myself from this stress energy, the decision to not become influenced, and go into that state of fear that is permeating any form of office

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of stress and fear in believing that I will not be as effective in my work if I do not participate in stress and fear

Self-commitment statements

I commit myself work without stress and fear driving me – and I commit myself to replace my drive with a the desire to expand, improve and become more efficient at what I am doing

I commit myself to remind myself that I am more effective when I do not stress and fear

I commit myself to not accept and allow myself to be captivated and entranced by the ‘feel’ at work of stress and anxiety

I commit myself to make a stand within myself and in that decide that I am going to walk my day at the office within and as groundedness and stability – and that I am not going to participate within and as stress

When and as I see myself becoming stress, or building up a charge of adrenaline, I stop, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I am creating this state through thinking, through participating in the experiences coming up, and that require to in that moment in a direct manner, push through that possession and ground myself back into my physical body – and thus I commit myself to push and will myself through that experience – to be intense in that pushing through – and reground and earth myself here – and apply/work/participate from within and as that state of being grounded – here

Day 270: Social Anxiety and Misunderstandings

Today at work I faced an interesting situation. A couple of my colleagues and I were talking about an upcoming event at the office. They were in a light and playful mood, and started to joke with me. I found it interesting that in this moment, I did not experience this light and playful mood as something enjoyable, and inviting – my reaction was instead that of fear/anxiety/insecurity.

The reaction was quite strong, and the physical sensation was the of my body tensing up, especially in my calves. And as the reaction came up within me, yet another fear arose from within, the fear of: What if my colleagues are seeing what I am experiencing? What if they will not see me as one of those easy going, flowing, and comfortable-to-be-around people?

Thus what happened was that a initial reaction of insecurity, got coupled with a reaction of fear, and this then snowballed, and I found it difficult to settle down, breath, and relax my human physical, which I do know is an effective solution, especially when emotional reactions come up. Instead of breathing, and settling down, I tried to be more ‘up-beat’ and ‘get more into’ the joking and playful mood, however, this simply did not work but instead exacerbated the reaction. This shows that what I resist, will persist, it is not possible to counter a experience with its opposite, as that will only cause more friction – hence – a effective solution is to slow down and move back into my human physical body – understanding that it is nothing ‘out there’ that is required to be corrected – instead it is my relationship with and as myself that must be corrected.

Hence, what I see that I am doing many times, and that causes me to miss a moment, is that I place my focus on how others are reacting/perceive/experience me. Though, when an reaction emerge within me, the focus must be who I am within and as myself – and that must be that point that is forgiven – the reaction coming up from within.

Another point that I see is the point of fitting in, the desire to fit in and be considered as one in the group – that is a fear that comes up when I have a reaction/experience towards another – because if another notice what I am going through – will they then consider/see me as being one in the group?

Hence the play-out today I see as being a mix of several programs – though the core point is the Fear of What Others Might Think Of ME, or Do, or Say to Me – that is the underlying experiences that fuels these reactions – and the self-interest that I am holding unto that currently cause me to have difficulty to move through this experience.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others might think of me, say, or do to me, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interact with others in a state of apprehension/holding back – where I am in a state of interpretation, and caution, trying to be aware of how another interprets me so that I can change myself to fit their personal mind settings – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change myself around others to fit in – instead of accepting and allowing myself to be myself – to express myself naturally and comfortable – and not accept and allow myself to change myself to be liked by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others have to say about me, and fear that others are talking behind my back, and saying that I am strange, different, and an outcast – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fuel this view of myself that I am strange – that I am not the same as others – and that I require/must fit in – change myself – and be like a chameleon – in order to not cause a raucous and make others notice me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable when speaking/sharing myself with my colleagues at work – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in this slight state of tension – where I feel like I am on my toes constantly – trying to read another and how they are expressing themselves – so that I can immediately change to accommodate that change and make the situation positive/comfortable for another – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being myself – to fear living/standing within and as stability when I am with others – and hence not accept and allow myself to give into my mind and start to interact with others from within and as fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to change/rearrange myself to fit the minds of others – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a state of constant anxiety – preparation – where I try to be prepared for another and the attack that they might make on me – and that I must be there to make the save as fast as possible and then put something back that is hopefully seen/considered within a state of positivity as being something good – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my natural playful and enjoyable expression through giving into fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand – that fear is really one of the main creators of separation – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand – that fear indicates self-interest – and the self-interest in my case would be to avoid conflict/friction – where I want everyone to like me so that I do not have to experience myself embarrassed and disliked by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is a point of self-interest to want and desire to be liked by everyone – to be positively considered by everyone – to have a ‘good’ relationship with everyone – and with ‘good’ meaning – that everyone knows me, likes me, and considers me to be fun and popular

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto a female saying something about me that was meant as a critique, and me taking that personally, and becoming sad, and judging myself for showing this sadness to others, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a fear of such an event repeating – and me again having to experience myself as being sad, and personally attacked – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a state of fear towards being personally attacked and having others define me as a weak and inferior person that they can use as a target for their attacks

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be desperate to be liked, desperate to have others see/experience me in a positive/comfortable light, where they see me as being one of their friends/comrades – that they like/enjoy to be with – and that they want to have a lot to do with – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this self-interest within me is enticing fear/anxiety – and that I am creating separation through holding unto this desire because I am not accepting and allowing myself to be genuine – self-honest and real in my participation with others

Self-commitment statements

When and as I am communicating/speaking/interacting with others, and I notice myself beginning to tense up, and experience a fear, anxiety, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I make the focus of that moment to be me relaxing, me breathing, and me sharing myself from my oneness connection and being self-honest, and genuine in my expression, and thus not try and attempt to be more than myself, or less – but simply be genuine and real in the moment

I commit myself to practice self-honest and genuine participation with others – where I place my attention on my physical body and expression – and make it a point to share myself from within and as my oneness connection – and be real with others – and here I see that I cannot be real with others unless I am grounded – physical and here

When and as I see myself tense up, and change, because I perceive that another is reacting towards, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this reaction within me cannot be solved by me trying to be like I believe that another wants me to be – but must be solved by me letting go of this angst – and allowing myself to be real – realizing that REAL is something that I am only able to live/express/stand as – when I breathe effectively and ground myself in my physical – and stop these experiences/thoughts that come up from within

Day 254: Stealing My Time

man wearing a black cloth and a animal skullIn the recent interviews with Anu on Eqafe, the point of how much time we spend on the problems we face inside of ourselves, compared with the time we spend on establishing and living a solution within ourselves is discussed. You can download and listen to the interview HERE.

Today I faced a point within myself where this ratio of focusing on the problem, vis-à-vis focusing on the solutions, stood out clearly to me. Now, the point I was facing was in relation to time – and it is a reaction that I have been working with for some time now.

It played out as follows: I was sitting at home, and had planned to dedicate my day to studies. When I had studied for some hours my grandfather comes through the door and asks me whether I am able to follow with him to the ATM, and help him take out money. I realized that this point requires priority, and so I re-structured my plans, and decided to help him. Now, after I did that, I had a line of backchat repeat in my mind like a broken record: ‘I can’t get any peace to focus on my studies’ – and as I walked with my grandfather, and helped him, I experienced a resistance, an irritation, because I felt as if my time was being taken from me – and I wasn’t getting to that which I’d planned to do.

So, I was in this state of reaction when going with my grandfather to take out his money, which obviously wasn’t cool. And it was HERE that I see that could’ve immediately changed, and looked at what solutions there were available to me; what could I’ve applied in that moment to get out of the experience? And I can see it clearly before myself now – the solution would’ve been to talk with him, and genuinely share a moment with him, interact with him, and tend to my relationship with him.

Though, unfortunately I didn’t do that, and instead I remained within this state of feeling unjustly robbed of my ‘time’ – and the fascinating thing is that: I mostly, almost always, have more than enough time left to finish up my studies, even though I have helped, or spent time with others throughout my day. So, this stress that I experienced, that I might be losing out on my opportunity to effectively dedicate myself to my studies, it’s not real, it’s not a actual point of concern.

Thus, what happens is that I sabotage a moment of real interaction with another, because I believe that I am lacking time, not being HERE in TIME with another, but instead in my mind. And that is really the definition of wasting time, because then I am not being here with my physical, and the other person, when I am moving away from my plans to take care of a point that has opened up – and this is not effective at all.

So, in this blog I am going to focus my self-forgiveness, and my self-commitment statements on this particular issue of not being generous with my time, as well as the point of implementing, and focusing on the solutions in a moment, and not the problems.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed within and as the time-miser construct – where I will be fearful of giving anyone time, thinking that my time is precious, and that I can’t waste a single minute of my time, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this time-miser character mostly comes up when I am working, or when I have to do something in relation to my studies – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not in those moments, see that I have to push myself through my resistance, and fear of giving my time, because this fear that I experience, it doesn’t make any sense what-so-ever – and is in-fact only a illusion that I create and sustain through participating within and as stress energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in moments when someone comes and asks me for a favor, and I feel that I can’t give off my time, that I will somehow implode and loose myself, if I was to give of my time in that moment – that it’s then and there I have to push myself to look at the point in common sense – and self-honestly assess whether or whether not I do in-fact have the time required to be with another – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this not take into account that I have a tendency to stress myself and in that make calculations in relation to time faulty – where I will believe that I lack time – when in-fact I have plenty of time – it’s just that when I exist in this stressed out state I am not able to see that

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed within and as stress when I approach my studies, and generate this stress energy through thinking about how much I should accomplish in a certain amount of time, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I am within thinking about what I should do, and the pace in which I should do it, creating expectations on myself, that I then feel forced, and pressured into following, instead of accepting and allowing myself to approach the project of doing, and completing something, within being unconditional, and being relaxed within and as my human physical body – also within this seeing, realizing and understanding that I don’t have to run – and fight – and struggle my way through life – and that I can instead assist, and support myself to walk through life within enjoyment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as stress when I assess my time, and how I should utilize my time to its utmost potential, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my relationship with others, and force my life forward, because I feel as if I am not moving according to the expectations I have created in my mind – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath – and move myself forward in the pace of breathing – in the pace of doing things HERE in the physical – and seeing, realizing and understand that I don’t need this experience of stress within me, in order to see what must be done, and then do it – and that I can enjoy life as I move through and deal with the various tasks that are before me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage my relationship with my grandfather through participating within and as stress, and through this, resulting in me feeling that I don’t have sufficient with time to give to another, and that I can’t be generous with my time, and that I must basically, protect my time from another, to make sure that I have as much time as is possible, so that I can ensure my survival – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move myself from within and as this starting point of fear of survival

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to protect my time, and be watchful that no one steals my time, or thwarts the plans that I have made for my day, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I am within approaching my life in this way creating unnecessary conflict within myself, because I don’t have to be overprotective with my time, most often I actually do have enough time to assist and support another, as well as getting the things done, that I see I require to get done during my day, and I see, realize and understand that instead of reacting within an emotion of fear, and anxiety, I can instead look at the point within common sense, and see whether I can fit this particular point into my day, or not, without compromising my responsibilities and commitments

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that most of the times, it actually assists and supports me to take a break from my set routine, and go and do something different, such as helping out another person that is in need, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in accepting and allowing myself to balance my day with different activities, and different points, I am actually becoming more effective, and specific within the activities that I have decided to take on and walk

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself going into a reaction of anxiety, and stress, when someone asks me if I can do something for them, help them with something, and this points then messes with my schedule, and my plans, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that this way of approaching time doesn’t make any sense, because I am not actually looking at the point within myself, instead am I am reacting, and creating experiences from within this reaction, instead of clarifying within myself whether I can actually do what is asked of me or not – and thus I commit myself to take the suggestion within me, look at the practical timeline of my day within stability, and from that starting point make a decision as to whether I am able to commit to the point or not

When and as I see myself reacting in stress towards time, and I go into an experience of feeling uneasy, and I start making plans within my mind to save time, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this starting point of trying to save time from within and as a experience of stress, it doesn’t assist and support me to make practical, and grounded decisions in relation to stress, it only supports me to make hasty, and rushed decisions, where I try to escape an experience within me, and within that I miss what is actually here, and the practical considerations that I have take inside of me in order to make an effective decision in my life – thus I commit myself to slow down within myself, using my breath, stabilizing and grounding myself in my physical body, and then proceed to look at the practical aspects of the time during my day, and plan it according to the actual timeline and time movement of my day – not according to how I feel about the time I have at my disposal

Day 243: Changes

From living in the city, to living on a farm – that has been a primary point of transition that I have been walking through during the recent weeks. It has been interesting seeing how this change has influenced me, and how the experience that has been following this change is that of feeling uprooted, and feeling as if everything has been thrown into the air, a lot of parts, flying around, and not really seeing where or when they are going to land.

My own assessment of the point, and why this experience has come up within me, is due to how my routine is not anymore here. Before, I had a very strict and easy routine that I followed – and at that – I was studying and knew how many books I had to read till what date, and what places to go to, and what people to meet. My reality was settled, everything was in its place and I was to a certain degree comfortable. Now with the move, that comfort is gone, because now there is no more routine, my studies are finished, I am moving a couple of projects at the same time, and there is experience of rushing to get to something, though I don’t particularly know what that something I should get to is.

So, the purpose with this blog is basically to describe for myself what it is that I have been going through, and also to assist and support others that might be facing a similar event in their lives = CHANGE. What should be understood about change is that it isn’t a bad thing; neither is having your routines being uprooted, because these points do come with opportunities for self-expansion.

In my case, I can see that the challenge before me, and what I require to do in order to get back my grounding, is to structure and schedule my day more specifically, and decide for myself when I am going to do certain things, and when I am going to do other things. So far, I have taken it very much day by day, this approach is cool in some contexts, though when there is a lot of projects to get to, many responsibilities to oversee, many points to move – then it’s supportive with a structure – a game plan.

Though, a game plan isn’t enough, on top of having a game plan I see that it’s important for me to practice slowing down, and practice letting go of control, such as the desire to get to ‘everything’ and move ‘all points’ – and within this understand, that I can only do SO MUCH in a day, I can only get to THAT many points in a week – and taking on too much will lead to an experience of stress, and feeling of being stretched to thinly, because that is literally what is happening.

Thus – to support myself to stabilize I am going to apply self-forgiveness on the various reactions of stress, and anxiety that I have towards loosing my routine, and also support myself to establish a new routine, a schedule, and a game plan that I am following – so that I know were I am going, when I am going, and how I am going there.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear, and anxiety when my routine disappears, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become anxious, and worried that I can’t anymore with the same ease as before, evaluate, and expect when, and how things are going to develop, and how my life is going to proceed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have expectations upon myself as to how much I am to get to, and what I should be able to move during my day, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into anxiety, and fear when and as I perceive that I am not moving points as fast, and as effectively as I foresaw, and imagined myself doing, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a fear, when points doesn’t moving according expectations, instead of supporting myself, and assisting myself to stabilize, and see how I am able to restructure my reality, and my physical environment to become more effective, and aligned with what I wish to create, and how I can align myself more effectively to the physical reality, so that I am not in a state of conflict with what is real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to the point of investing a lot of time in my home, and my living quarters, in feeling that this is stealing time from me, it’s thieving on my valuable resource of time that I must protect dearly in order to be able to create for myself my goals, and imaginations, of what I am to do in life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into anxiety, and fear when I invest time in my living quarters, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it’s not necessarily something bad, because at certain times you must tend to your living space, else it will deteriorate, and that would be a point of neglect, thus it’s common sense to dedicate some of your time to your home, and the place which you spend your time, so that all points are effectively cared for and works optimally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear, and anxiety when things change in my environment, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being, and becoming weak, due to having these experiences, thinking that it’s signifying that I am becoming old, and unable to cope with reality as effectively as when I was younger, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be gentle with myself in facing these experiences, in realizing that I don’t have to be hard on myself, and believe that I am in anyway less than others, due to these points arising within me – and instead I am able to immediately, as the experiences come up within me, look for corrections, to stabilize and ground myself and bring myself back here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in feeling destabilized when and as I change my physical environment, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change WHO I AM, when my surroundings change, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how the key to walking within and as stability in this world, is the point of being in this world, but not of this world – to stand within me in stability and thus instead of getting into a conflict with the change that occurs around me – move with the change – move with the new environment – move with what is here around me – and realize that it’s nothing bad, dangerous, or threatening – it’s simply a point of change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as fear, and anxiety when I look at what is here currently in my life, and then compare it to my goals, and what I wish to create in this life, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that regardless of what physical environment I create in this life, one thing will always remain the same, ME and MY relationship with and as myself, that will and won’t ever change – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that these mental projections into the future of seeing a different me out there, they aren’t real, and thus the only place to begin something is HERE – the only place to live – is HERE – the only place to walk process and birth myself from the physical – is HERE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that life is HERE, that creation is HERE, that there is no such thing as a future within which I will feel differently due to the things that surround me, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that creating life is a process that is walked in every moment of every breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace creating myself, and my life in every moment of breath, and seeing, realizing and understanding that process and the birthing of life will never happen out there in a projection – it’s something that is walked and created on a breath per breath basis – and thus I commit myself to practice and align myself with HERE, with directing, moving and sorting points out immediately HERE

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I go into a stress, and anxiety, due to me feeling that my world isn’t effectively structured, and that I have no real grounding, and that I don’t know where I am going, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that it’s not a solution to remain in these experiences, because fear, and anxiety doesn’t assist and support me to in anyway move forward, and thus I commit myself to in that moment take breath, stop myself, and then for a moment, look at my day within me, what I have to do, and then make some basic decisions as to how to structure my day, and also within this remember, that I might not get to everything – and that this is cool – it’s okay – and nothing to judge myself for

I commit myself to become the directive principle of my own day, through learning to effectively structure, prioritize, and build the contents of my day, and within this ground myself, and remain here, realizing that it’s only me that can give myself an oversight, and a structured routine, I have to build and establish this for myself, and it won’t come by itself

When and as I go into stress, and anxiety, because I feel that I haven’t gotten to something, that I expected of myself that I would, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that this experience is an illusion, and that it’s not me that there is a problem, rather I have not assessed my time properly, or taken on too much in my life, and thus I require align my requirements of what I am to do with the actual time available to me, and practice being more disciplined in saying NO – to not take on things without really considering whether it’s practical and viable for me to walk them – and thus live the phrase – Quality before Quantity