Tag Archives: appreciation

Day 372: Changing The Dynamics of Work

Today I had an interesting experience coming up in relation to work – yet again it was the point of money and superiority rearing its head within me. This time the context was simplistically put as follows: Someone received positive recognition from the boss and it was not me – and it was surprising to see what kind of experiences that came up within me. In particular, I found it interesting to see how deeply I was moved, and what type of backchat that entered into my mind – such as for example: ‘I will not continue to do this work because I do not receive the recognition I deserve’ – ‘Have I done something wrong? Am I not doing my work properly?’.

I realized that these reactions were not really about my boss or my work, but revealed a more ingrained and deeper pattern/way of being that I had not yet explored – the tendency of mine to base WHO I AM on authorities. It is not the first time that I have given up the reigns of my life and handed them over to someone else, because I believed them to be more capable than me. It has happened with friends, family, colleagues and in other forms of social groups – I believe that someone is above me and then I give them complete power over me.

The relevant question to ask is why I do this, and also, what solutions are there that I am able to apply that will assist and support me to change this point.

The first question, why I do this, has a straightforward answer; it is because I do not trust or see myself as sufficiently valuable to stand as this point. I believe that I am not sufficient as a person to walk and decide upon my own way life – where I want to go – and what I want to do with myself – and that I need a plastic daddy at every corner.

The second question, what solutions there are for this point, here I see the following: Instead of doing things for me, or for a purpose/vision that I have created within self-awareness, I do things for my boss, to be appreciated, seen or recognized – the solution must hence be to create directive principle in relation to these parts of my life – and clearly place WHO I AM and WHY I AM doing what I am doing – and then to motivate myself utilizing my own self-created purpose/vision/direction. Hence – the word that must be redefined and lived is AUTHORITY.

Because it is clear that in order to live a fulfilling and expansive life, I must stand as the author-of-me. The direction of my life, who I am within it, why I do what I do, those are aspects of my life that I must decide upon. It cannot be left up to chance and hope – and it most definitely is not effective to hand-over my direction to someone I believe to be more capable than myself. That never works.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my value, whether I am successful or not, whether I am doing a good job or not, on whether I achieve acceptance from my superiors

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my own acceptance/validation/satisfaction as not good enough, not sufficient, and it does not count when I am satisfied with something, because I require someone else, of a higher stature and position to tell me, that I am doing good, that I am needed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself dependent upon someone else for me to go to my work and be motivated within what I am doing – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change and alter – to become a different person when I am received differently

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want a certain type and form of reception for me to be stable and to effectively walk my work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want a certain type of reception, and to be accommodated before I invest myself, before I commit, before I move

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my superiors when I feel that I am not receiving enough recognition for the way that I am approaching and move to partake in work – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not work for ME – to not apply myself in work for ME – to not stand with me and assess myself and ask whether I am satisfied – whether I am content – and thus not make it dependent upon anyone else to give me recognition/approval

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I will always place a limit on how far I am able to go – if I make myself dependent on someone else to recognize and approve me – that I will then wait – hold myself back – fear moving myself to my utmost ability – and push myself as far as I am able to go – because I am not certain as to whether I will receive a response from a superior – and thus fear that I will not get the recognition in turn

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only commit myself in relation to something when I believe/feel/see it as likely that I will get something in return – such as appreciation/recognition from my boss – instead of doing something for and as myself – and thus for example – pursue work in such a way that I do it for me – that I challenge myself – that I push myself – that I commit myself to refine and further my skills in relation to work and that I do not do it to get someone’s liking

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to inflate myself with positive critique and motivate myself using positive words from others – not seeing, realizing and understand that I will through relying on positive critique, positive words, a positive response from others, set myself up for failure – because I will undoubtedly face the negative side – where I do not get positive critique, where I am ignored or reprimanded in some way – and thus I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see the importance of remaining stable – steadfast – the same yesterday, today and tomorrow – having a clear and solid principle that I utilize to move myself forward with – not making it more or less than what it is

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself pumping myself up using positive critique, or encouragement from my superiors, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand – that in order to remain stable and steadfast at my work – in order to be consistent and move myself steadily forward – I cannot accept and allow myself to base my application on what people say or do not say about me – if I get positive or negative critique – rather such points can only ever be allowed to be points of cross-reference that I use in my movement-process – that I walk for and as myself; thus I commit myself to breathe through these positive experiences – to ground myself into and as my human physical body – and see the information as a cross-reference – to then assess it for and as myself – and see whether I am satisfied or there is something that I am able to improve – to thus be and stand as my own point of movement

I commit myself to be my own point of movement at work – by – assessing myself, my professional skills and development, to be honest with myself, and also, to push myself to excel, because I see that I am able to live and apply more – I am able to expand and move myself further – and because it is a natural things for me to expand and move myself further

When I receive negative criticism, or someone ignore me, give attention to another, or does not like what I have produced – and I become sad/demotivated/depressed – I stop myself – I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I am limiting myself by accepting and allowing my inner self to be dependent on how others see me – that I limit my movement, my commitment, my drive, my motivation upon whether someone receives me the way I want it or not – hence – not seeing that my work is an extension of ME – and that it is thus not relevant what anyone else thinks or sees about me; thus I commit myself to BREATHE and to ground myself here and continue to move myself – in stability – forward – in my process of expansion and movement – to embrace the steady movement of myself – where I do not accept and allow the highs and lows of life to impact and affect me



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Day 182: Learning To Love Studies With Self-forgiveness (Part 1)

Throughout most of my life studying and education were merely obstacles and obnoxious events that cut short the time I’d available for leisure and pastime hobbies. I detested most of the subjects I had to grind my way through, and as I was entering my seventh or eighth year of education, I really began to feel tired and fed up with school.

When I was done with my twelfth school year and in that finished gymnasium, I sighed in relief and assumed that I would now be able to enter freedom and leave this tedious and frigid world of schooling behind me. Obviously, that wasn’t to be the case, of which I am grateful, though the reason that I later came to appreciate education didn’t have to do with education in itself, rather it was a change that I went through that made the difference – but I revisit this later.

So, let’s continue with the story, after I was done with my gymnasium, I proceeded to investigate the world through travelling, and visiting new and exotic places, learning new crafts, talking with people, and fulfilling my lust for adventure. It was in conjunction with this part of my life that I happened upon Desteni, and the message of self-forgiveness – and this would turn out to be crucial ingredient in how I managed to change my relationship to studies – but more of this later.

During these years of adventure, I must honestly say that my life lacked any and all direction, I was just out to get my fix – the experience of freedom – which was really not freedom in-fact, instead it was a polarity reaction towards the previous years of tristesse and boredom that I’d experienced in public education. So, as a form of rebellion against the establishment, I spent some years of my life in drifting and wandering around, pursuing various dreams and fantasies, hoping to hit the jackpot of that ultimate lifestyle; which at that moment in time was becoming a musician, and earning living on what I enjoyed doing.

This though came to change as I discovered and explored the world of self-forgiveness – because with self-forgiveness I was able to let go of my inflated dreams, and start considering reality – what could I do with my life that would actually work? Where and how could I realistically place myself in this world? Obviously, I could now see that the music business was a disaster, and that even those musicians that had made a name for themselves had great difficulties with surviving. Self-forgiveness thus cured me of my illusions and served to ground me back in this world, and this physical existence – and in this newfound stability I saw and realized that I had to give myself some direction, I’d to make a decision where I should go, and in what position I should place myself.

Though it was still difficult for me to clearly see what I could do with myself and at some point a friend of mine suggested that I should study Law – so this is what I decided to do. Now, as I shared in the beginning, school was not exactly a point of pleasure for me – and my first years of Law studies also to some extent came to be colored with my remembrances of dislike towards schooling and learning. But already at this early stage, there was a definitive shift in me – and this became clearer as I progressed in my studies – what was coming through in my studies, and in me learning the subjects, and their vocabularies was a joy, pleasure and pride – studying was becoming fun!

Though, let’s slow down for a moment and look at what really happened here, what was it that changed in me, that made studying go from boredom, and tristesse, to fun and enjoyment? The key to this change is to be found in self-forgiveness – and I will not go deeper into the mechanics of self-forgiveness in this blog – rather I will share the effects of self-forgiveness. Now, self-forgiveness is an amazing tool as it opens up the door to SELF – yes – it makes it possible for me, and anyone else, to get to know themselves – and here is the most fascinating part of self-forgiveness – in applying and using self-forgiveness – you will begin developing a direct and clear relationship to YOURSELF.

But, what does this mean? Developing a relationship to yourself?

To give you an example, math was according to the younger me a particularly distasteful subject, so full of numbers, rules, and regulations, strict, empty, and pointless – and the main thing circulating my mind as I had to sit with these books was: “Why should I even learn this?” – and this very question reveals the problem – there was no clear reason, no clear why, no clear direction – instead I would just go with what I did or didn’t feel, and with what my parents or teachers told me – math was just something I did because it should be done – there was no ME – no SELF present at all.

But now, what was it that began happening after I’d been working with self-forgiveness for a while? I will give you an example: Last summer I took a course in national economics, and to my initial dread, it happened to contain massive amounts of quite complicated math – and at the outset I had no idea what to do, or how to learn all of it – the material seemed to be overwhelming, and within me I still carried the idea that “math is boring” – though it all took a very interesting turn: As I progressed with the course, I started to notice that math was not just about math – the subject math was actually a method, and tool, that challenged me to develop certain skills on a beingness and self level – it challenged me to live and apply certain words. Because to do math effectively, I realized that I had to be precise, focused, specific and detailed – I could not miss a single digit, or miss a single rule – if I did, the end result would turn out wrong and the equation would fail. Within this I found my why, my motivation, and my reason to push myself to learn and walk the course to its end – my motivation became to excel and better myself – to develop myself; and math, instead of being a necessary evil for me to complete my university degree, became a pleasure in its own right – where I could put myself to the test and strengthen my ability to live with precision and detail.

Thus, something amazing happened, I actually developed a relationship to the subject that was direct, where my interaction with the subject was not anymore about an experience, or a goal separate from me, instead my movement with the subject was based upon myself – it was based upon me seeing how in walking the course effectively and specifically, I could actually gift myself with new expressions and abilities, and enhance myself in a way that would last for the reminder of my life – AND the reason that I could do this was because of self-forgiveness; because self-forgiveness enhance and strengthen that self-relationship – and in using it over a long period time – you will through self-forgiveness cement a strong foundational relationship with yourself that will spread out into and influence all other areas of your life– making your interaction and participation with life, responsibilities, commitments, work, friends, colleagues, children and family an expression instead of a chore – where your PRESENCE and AWARENESS come through and start seeing how to build, developed, enhance, and affect through yourself in the movement of your everyday life.

In the next blog – I am going to continue with how self-forgiveness assisted and supported me to learn to enjoy learning, studying and education – and how I within that came to develop a fondness for reading, writing, and the dry subject of law.

Day 162: I Am Not Appreciated

Today I had a tough day, meaning that there were many reactions that came up within me, asking for me to attend to them and direct them – and because the mind is such a complex, and enormous thing, I will in this blog only take a look one of the points that came up.

To select what point I will work with, I ask myself, what of these points that came up today affected me the most on a physical level? The reason for this is because, often, the reactions that feel the most intense, and the worst, many times do not have that much of a physical impact – they merely feel bad – thus today I am going to look at the reaction that were in-fact bad in that it influenced my ability to participate in this physical reality, effectively and specifically.

What I can see is that the reaction came up within me, and changed my expression, posture, and stand, to be that of gloominess, and a slight depression – I didn’t speak as much, and my voice didn’t boom with that certainty and clarity that I have when I am stable, and silent within – though the actual reaction, and starting point of the experience, was not in itself depression or gloominess, I see that rather, the experience was a side-effect and result of a conflict experience, in which I suppressed my experience, and shoved it aside.

The experience that came up in this conflict was that of “I am not appreciated” – which triggered a emotional reaction of hurt and sadness, as well as blame towards the individual that I perceived as not appreciating me as much as I’d like.

What I can see that I require to work with is thus this point of, I am not appreciated, and I require to look at how it is that I’ve defined myself as being in need of appreciation, and what this appreciation should be like, for me experiencing myself as appreciated, and also, the pertinent question of, why I’ve not yet appreciated myself, and how am I am able to live self-appreciation, what is self-appreciation?

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame another, and feel like I am a victim that is being treated unfairly, when and as I perceive that another is not appreciating me, and is not giving me the credit that I deserve, and that I feel that I am worthy of

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a unappreciated individual, and hold unto blame towards my parents, and in particular my mother, feeling as if I have throughout my life, not received the appreciation that I’ve deserved, and that I’ve not been treated equally, and fairly in comparison with my siblings – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as being inferior, and less than other people, and see others as givers of appreciation, and think that I am not able, nor equipped, to give myself appreciation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in blame, and sadness, and hurt, when and as I perceive that my efforts to push, and move a particular points isn’t recognized by another, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that it’s unfair, and that I am victim, because my efforts are not being seen, and not being valued in the eyes of another, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the basis of my efforts in life, and the basis of me pushing and moving points in my world, to be that of receiving appreciation and praise from others, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not move myself as a self-independent and self-motivated individual, and as such stand stable in myself when I push and move points in my world, so that I am not in need from another to give me an experience of feeling appreciated

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become sad, hurt, and define myself as a victim, when and as I perceive that another isn’t not recognizing my efforts, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want others to recognize my efforts, instead of asking myself why I’ve not myself recognized my own efforts, why I’ve not myself allowed myself to see where it is that I am pushing, where it is that I am effective, and where it is that I am making a difference for myself as well as another, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not gift myself self-appreciation, and thus not anymore exist in a need and desire to get this experience and point from another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am in a conflict, and I feel that I am being criticized and judged for what I’ve done, and how have moved myself in a moment, to go into sadness, hurt, and feeling that I am a victim, and that I am unfairly robbed of me being recognized for my efforts, and for how I move myself in regards to certain points in my world – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strive for, desire, and want to be recognized, and feel that unless I get recognized, and have another say to me, that what I am doing is effective, that what I am doing works, to feel that it’s worthless, and that it doesn’t mean anything – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practice this point of recognizing myself, of telling myself, when I do something that I am satisfied with, that hey, this was cool, and I am satisfied with this, and it was a cool point that I walked, and pushed, and created

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame another, and go into a personality of feeling that my efforts have been diminished, and unfairly judged, when and as I perceive that another doesn’t see what I am doing, and how much labor I am putting into a particular point, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire that my efforts, my labor, and the soul I put into what I am doing, that it’s to be seen, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize, that I can’t expect another to recognize me, unless I am accepting and allowing myself to recognize myself first and foremost

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I feel unappreciated, and unfairly criticized, and judged, and that my efforts have not been recognized properly by another, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize, and understand that I can’t expect from another to recognize me, when I’ve not gifted myself this point yet, and as such I commit myself to practice me recognizing myself, and giving myself credit when I’ve walked a point effectively, and within this, to accept and allow myself to rest in a moment of being satisfied and proud over my creation, and as such give me a pat on my back instead of expecting another to do that for me