Tag Archives: attention

Day 422: Using Money, With Common Sense

It can be easy to forget what is important in the face of money. On the hand, money is really, really important. If you have none – you are literally fucked. However, if you do have your basic needs covered, and money left over to spend on pleasures, then money becomes of less importance.

Because let us say that you have a ton of money, would that make you happier, more comfortable, more safe, have better relationships, be more satisfied? The truth is no – it would however enable you to live out all kind of crazy escapism strategies. What is the purchase of massive luxury yachts, the constant need for home renovating, the urgency to travel and see new places, to experience new kinds of foods, and have new experiences, but our attempts to cover up the truth – the truth that we all feel pretty fucked up – and that our world is pretty much fucked up.

Thus, when the basic needs are covered, and there are money to pursue hobbies and interests, the challenge becomes to keep focus on what is important, and not to become engulfed in the current consumerism capitalism system, where most of everything circles around some form of purchase. It is fascinating – I have seen this many times in myself. I have acquired new hobbies, such as gardening for example. And as I start to deepen my relationship to the interest, the desires start to emerge. Seemingly, I am now in need of a new kind of tool to prepare my garden, or a new type of soil, or seed, to make my hobby fulfilling. This is the lure of money – the belief that we constantly have to spend, to acquire, to purchase in order to fulfill ourselves, and our lives – but the reality is that money is not able to give us that fulfillment – it cannot be bought – it can only be lived.

Children show this to us effectively. They are little about the equipment, the stuff, the toys, and more about their experience within it, their expression, their movement, the relationships, the creativity, and all of the soft, ethereal values that can be explored without money. The challenge as an adult is to remember that. It is not about the money – it is about WHO WE ARE WITHIN WHAT WE DO.

Abundance of money can thus create attention diversion – where we without really wanting it or understanding what we do – start to focus more of ourselves on buying things instead of developing ourselves and our relationships. For example, we neglect our relationships with our children in order to work more, to buy more, to apparently, make ourselves more happy and content – and to create a better future for a children – while really all that our children would want is to spend more time with us when we are relaxed and content.

Money thus is a difficult point to master. The solution as I have found it is to focus on my expression, my expression, and my physical movement – to place focus on WHO I AM and not on what I own or what I want – and to find and establish fulfillment in my expression instead of in buying new things. And it is important to clarify our relationship to money, because in order to change ourselves, and to be a part of changing this reality, we have to use our money to facilitate such a change. We have to spend money to create a better world – and thus – push through our desire/urge to keep it all for ourselves and to use it to further our own interests only.

Muslims have found a good way to deal with this point. They give a percent of their income to people in need, they call it zakat. While it might not have worked in practice – it is a key to moving forward with all kinds of problems in the world. If we want to sort something out, we must fund it, we must give our money to a cause. For example, if we want to support nature, we must invest in nature. If we want to alleviate poverty – we must invest in poor people. And it is not enough to rely on the government to do this – our money must be given direction with awareness. Currently, most of us allow our money to trickle into all kinds of unnecessary and meaningless shit. If we take a self-honest look at what we are buying, it is easy to see that we do not need half of it – and that the money are needed elsewhere.

Thus, when we are able to create a stability in our finances, the challenge is to keep our direction, keep our stability, and to position ourselves to share, to give, and to influence, and impulse the direction/creation we want in this world. Nothing ever comes by itself, it we want it, we have to create it.


Day 299: Anxiety and Fear When I Am In The Center of Everyone’s Attention

Today a situation played out at work where I for a moment was in the center of everyone’s attention. This brought a emotion of feeling uncertainty, insecurity, and anxiety – because when I am in the center of attention – I have this tendency to think about how I am perceived and seen by others.

I have written about this point before, and also been able to change and direct this experience during a couple of instances, and now I fell, which was a bit disappointing to me. As the point was playing out, I did have a vague inner voice saying that I can correct my experience by placing my attention and focus on breath, and also apply self-forgiveness. However, that inner vague voice never materialized, as I did not act on it. And afterwards, I was sitting with this experience in myself; why did I not change, or direct this experience within me?

Hence, in this blog I am going to work with this experience further, and also clarify a couple of points to myself, and also for you, the reader as well. Firstly, what defines me is not the fall in itself, rather it is WHO I AM after the fall, and what actions I decide to walk to support myself to transcend and learn to direct the experience. Thus, in this case, I am sitting down to write out the experience, investigate it, learn from it, and eventually learn to direct it.

Secondly, I can either look at a fall as something to resent, OR, I can use a fall to my advantage – and utilize it to expand myself in my process of self-creation. This is what I am doing here through writing this blog, I am standing up within myself, saying to myself, that this experience and way of interacting with other people is not something that I wish to have as a part of my character – instead I want to be able to be in the center of attention and remain STABLE, CALM, SELF-DIRECTED, in SELF-CERTAINTY and SELF-CONFIDENCE, and be RELAXED and at EASE in my physical body. That is the vision I see for myself, and what I want to establish in my life when it comes to social interactions, and when it comes to being in the center of attention.

That being established, lets look at the specifics of this moment particular moment. I can see that the origin point, the underlying issue is in-fact self-judgment. This self-judgment is then projected unto others and takes shape in backchat such as; “What do others think about me?” – “What do others see in me?” – “Do others like me or not?” – and so forth. It also takes the shape of uncertainty, because in judging myself, I am trying to be something or someone that I hope can be accepted by another, and looking at it more deeply, actually accepted by myself.

I can see this judgment towards myself coming up when it comes to establishing relationships with others. Because, when it comes to for example, deciding to meet another, and that person does not immediately show up on time; I will have backchat come up that this person does not like me, that I have done something wrong, that I have not acted properly, that they have in some way decided to push me out of their lives because they are not content with me. Hence, this shows that on a deep level within me, I do not see or recognize my own value, I do not accept myself as being valuable. And that is why I feel so happy and positive when people seem to take a liking to me, because in my twisted self-image, I do no see myself as worthy of such a relationship.

What is the solution?

It is quite simple; practice self-acceptance and valuing myself – RECOGNIZING and SEEING the value in myself. Giving myself recognition for my strengths, skills, and abilities, and for the integrity that I have developed throughout this process. There is much more to me than I admit, a unassailable value that I have not allowed myself to embrace and stand with – as I have seen myself as flawed and imperfect. That is what must change.

So, a solution can be, that when I notice this anxiety, stress and uncertainty come up within me – that I state within myself my qualities for which I am genuinely proud – such as: Discipline, Integrity, Openness, Loyal, Curious, Investigative, Questioning, Expressive, Spontaneous, Specific, Focused, Detailed, and Structured – these are qualities that I see and recognize in myself and for which I value myself.

And thus – it is a matter of continuously stopping this self-abuse of focusing on my flaws and weaknesses, and also seeing my positive and strong sides. And then also, to accept my bad sides, to not try to hide or suppress the fact that I do have weaknesses, but to accept and embrace the entirety of me. Because suppression does not work, and real self-change cannot take place unless I allow myself to SEE what it is within me that is required to be changed and directed.

Day 273: Morning Experiences – Part 2: Remembering Myself

In my last blog I opened up my morning experiences, and these have included: Depression, not feeling like, not experiencing motivation, feeling hopeless and as if there is no point in getting up, feeling as if my time, and my life is being stolen from me, because I have to get up and tend to all my responsibilities. Currently thus, there are many negative experiences clustered around the event of waking up.

Though, in this blog I am going to look at what practical applications there are, what solutions that I can apply in order to change my morning experience. And one solution that I have seen is to transform my mornings into a moment/experience of me assisting and supporting myself to slow down, to forgive, and prepare myself to walk out into my life. Practically speaking, what I can thus do as I wake up is to apply self-forgiveness, to focus myself on grounding myself and finding back to my physical, and making that my starting point.

At this stage, I experience my mornings as a pain to get through, though why should they be like that? In fact, the mornings are what I make of them. Hence, I can make my mornings an opportunity for me to ground myself, and support myself to find, and develop my stability, that I will then use to assist and support myself to get through my day. And fact is that, much of the tiredness, drowsiness, and physical strain I experience throughout a day, are directly related to my emotional experience. When I do not react emotionally to my day, walking through, dealing with my responsibilities, and directing myself is easy.

The trick is thus to remain with my physical stability, as that does not change, does not go back forth, up and down, here and there, it is simply one breath, one physical movement, one physical foundation. And for me to be effective and stable, I require to align with that stability, and my mornings are a perfect time for me to do this.

When I wake up, I will hence focus on my breathing, ground myself in my body, and apply self-forgiveness on the reactions that come up, and support myself to let go of any emotional experience that is lurking within, so that I can walk out of my house, stable and steadfast, and capable of using the day, and the opportunities it will provide, to the best of my ability.

Day 238: Self-neglect – and how to correct it

A couple of awesome and inspiring interviews have been released from Eqafe in the last few days covering the subject self-neglect. Here are links to the products:

Self Neglect: How you Neglect Yourself – Atlanteans – Part 307

Self Neglect: Changing the Pattern – Atlanteans – Part 308

Self Neglect: Awareness Emerges – Atlanteans – Part 309

NeglectedWhen I listened to the interviews I was amazed, because I could clearly see how I had been neglecting myself, my body, my process, and in short myself. Before I couldn’t see my self-neglect – it had become part of me – and in this world the generally accepted way of moving through life is within and as self-neglect. In some ways it is actually demanded of each human being to neglect him or herself – neglect is a part of the survival system – where we have to neglect that which is best for all in order to survive in the world system.

The word neglect in the dictionary has the definition: Fail to care for properly

Now this definition requires us to have a clear definition of the words care and properly – because without being clear on those two words – we are not able to see when we do not CARE for a point in our world PROPERLY – and thus neglect ourselves. And that is what these interviews assisted and supported me to see – because some practical examples are given – and being shown the nature and of neglect and it comes through – it’s easier to see the energetic signature.

For example, you can find the energetic signature of self-neglect in your self/actions/living when you rush through doing the dishes, just trying to get it down as fast as possible, and leaving behind grease, and stains of food on the plates. You can find the signature when you go to the bathroom, and as you wash your hands, you do it routinely without attentively making sure your hands are clean, rubbing the soap, and making sure that your hygiene is effective. You can also spot the energy of self-neglect when you wake up in the morning, and you start that inner rush, going into the bathroom while at the same time thinking about what you are going to do, and forgetting to make your bed, or opening the window to vent musty air from your bedroom after a night of sleep.

Basically, you will find self-neglect in the areas of your life where you have a tendency to be IN YOUR MIND, in the NEXT THING you are going to do, in the NEXT project – and this you will experience as a RUSH – a constant experience of anxiety/stress/pressure – where you will justify not living in and caring for your physical reality effectively, through thinking that you do not have the time. That is the very core of self-neglect – failing to care for your physical reality because the mind reality is seen as more important.

It’s not strange that our world looks the way it looks, with the ecosystem deteriorating, the economical system falling apart, the educational system worsening by each day, when we in our personal lives are not able to care for ourselves and our direct environment. Isn’t it obvious that this will reflect in the world system? It’s common sense that the greater whole is the sum of all the small parts – and the small parts in the context of the world system is each human beings individual life – individual actions – and individual expression.

Thus, if we are serious about changing the world to become a better place, we MUST start with ourselves, and make sure that we don’t accept and allow neglect in our personal worlds. Because if we do – how can we ever expect the greater whole to change? It’s impossible!

Day 197: The Urge for Limelight

Yesterday my partner asked to assist and support her in doing a tarot reading for her – I became intrigued and happy that I was asked to do this and looked forward to do the reading. So, some minutes later I began – and I walked through the cards, and shared with my partner what I saw – though after a while my partner interjected and said that she saw something different compared to me. In that moment I felt that I was being interrupted and that my partner was interfering with MY reading – and the emotional experience that came up was that of hurt, feeling rejected, and disregarded – and within this there was also a nuance of blame wherein I felt that my partner was stealing my moment in the limelight.

The backchat that came up within me was: “This was my time to shine!” – “She can’t just take this from me!” – “She doesn’t have any regard for me!” – so it was interesting to see how much I’d defined myself to the prospect of doing a reading for my partner, and the hope that my partner would enjoy the reading, and be pleased with my conduct.

Another dimension of the backchat that came up was a form of suppressive-backchat – because in that moment I tried to talk myself out of the reaction – as I could see that the reaction was unreasonable and unnecessary. Though this support-talk didn’t do the trick and I was contained inside the initial emotional reaction for several moments – until I through breathing in awareness was able to let the experience go and return it into the ground.

The point that I want to walk through in this blog is that of placing value and worth on being in the limelight, having my short moment of help another, doing a service for another, or saying something to another, where I will receive attention from another, and they will see me as this really great, marvelous, and fantastic individual that they’d gladly like to have in their life and world, for the rest of their existence. Because this is the reason – the why as to the intense reaction that came up when my moment of limelight was suddenly and without warning taken from me.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value myself according to being in the limelight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to being in the limelight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to being in the limelight, and when someone asks me to do something for them, to in that moment going into a state of excitement, eagerness, and hopefulness, wanting and desiring to be in the limelight and mean something to another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel interfered with, interrupted, and embezzled of my moment in the limelight – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an intense reaction of feeling rejected, disregarded, taken for granted, and abused – and blame another for these experiences – thinking that they wouldn’t have come up within me unless someone ‘mean’ took my place and position in the limelight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry, frustrated and annoyed when and as I perceive that someone has taken my spot in the limelight, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of envy and bitterness, because I feel that the person in question took my position, took my chance, took my moment to fly and get ahead in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become bitter and resentful when I perceive that I had a moment in the limelight, where I could shine and receive attention from another, and then suddenly it was taken from me, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself blame another for taking this limelight from me, and think that I deserved to have that moment of shining and being in the center of attention

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to being in the center of attention – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be that person that is the light of the party, that is the magnet in the box filled with metal, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to, and draw my feeling of value and worth, according to how much that I feel, and perceive I am able to draw the attention of others towards and unto me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a attention addict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need attention from others for my life to have value – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actively search for moments where I am able to gather and receive attention into my life – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is that I am in-fact utterly limiting myself through making all of me, and all of my life to be about what I can get from others to substantiate my life, instead of me taking responsibility and standing as the substance of my own life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take pride in, and appreciate myself according to how much significance I believe and perceive that I play in the lives of others – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive and believe that my life, and my living can only be of significance, meaning, and power, if I am able to help others, get attention from others, and be significant for and to others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when another doesn’t use the services I’ve offered, that I am then not appreciated, and valued, and in that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into bitterness and resentment, wherein I feel that I am now worth nothing at all, and it’s this person’s fault because he or she didn’t want to use my services – thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my usefulness and value according to whether I perceive that others find me useful and valuable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into bitterness and resentment when and as I feel that my services have been rejected

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into bitterness and resentment when and as I perceive that my surroundings doesn’t appreciate my participation and contribution sufficiently – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to have appreciation and be acknowledged by others for me to feel that it’s worth it to help another – or offer a service – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this is a utterly limited – and contained way of looking at me giving assistance and support – because there are so much more I am able to do when I express and move myself without conditions

Self-commitment statements

I commit myself to offer my services and help others unconditionally – to not do it in order to get anything in return – to be accepted or appreciated – but to instead do it unconditionally – to give as I’d like to receive

I commit myself to give as I’d like to receive – and in this I commit myself to not approach giving or offering my services within a secret starting point of wanting to achieve praise and appreciation in return – and as such I commit myself to approach giving with no expectations, hopes or desires – but rather – instead – simply to give

When and as someone is interrupting me, or I feel that another is interfering with my moment, and I react in bitterness, and resentment, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this resentment and bitterness isn’t necessary, that practically speaking there hasn’t been any compromise, it’s just that I feel disregarded and shoved aside, and thus I commit myself to breathe, and unconditionally let go of any desire to be in the foreground, and to have the attention, and to be in control of the moment, to instead breathe, and align myself with what is here, and direct the moment according to what I see is common sense and best for all

Day 196: Center of Attention

When I’m in social situations, and I get into the center of the attention, I find myself often becoming anxious and tense.

When I’ve looked into this point in the past, I concluded that it must have something to do with me wanting give others a pleasurable time, and then I’ll feel pressured to look and behave in a happy and carefree manner. Though, I can see that there are more layers to this point – and one of the more prominent is this point of giving others the initiative and responsibility to value me.

It’s quite fascinating, because in these situations, my attention will go to the onlookers, to within that try and interpret how they are experiencing themselves, and I will in that make a value-judgment – where depending on how I perceive that the others experience themselves, I will change, and mold myself, and give myself a value, as either being successful, or not successful.

This way of dealing with situations consequently puts a lot of pressure on me, because there is this sense of fear of loosing control, and that in order to maintain my value, I must maintain the positive vibe within the onlookers. It’s all very limiting and obviously there are more effective ways to deal with these points – and the solutions seems apparent – to stop using others and my interpretation of their experience of me as the measurement of my value.

I presume, that in the bottom of this reaction lies a deep-rooted inferiority, because that is in a way what happens – I feel inferior towards giving myself my own value, worth and meaning – and instead wait for others to do this for me. Though, common sense is that I am a physical being – equal here with everyone else – and thus equally capable of giving and defining my own value and worth. This experience and idea of me as being inferior, and thus lacking the ability, and right to value myself – that is really not in anyway true – it’s a misconception.

Thus – in this blog I am going to work with self-forgiveness on inferiority, particularly inferiority in relation to me deciding my value and worth, and also the point of control, as trying to control how others perceive me in a moment where I am in the center of attention.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am in the center of attention, to go into a state of pressure, and anxiety, wherein I begin to experience a sense of being unsettled, because I am not sure as to how others are going to experience me, and whether I will be able to control the experience of others or not, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach a situation of me being in the center of attention, as me trying and wanting to control the experience of others, instead of me expressing myself unconditionally within and as breath here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am in the center of attention, to go into tension trying to control, and make sure that I have each beings experience under my wand, and that I am the controlling factor of the outcome in the moment, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of control, and instead trusting myself in the moment, and expressing myself from within and as a starting point that I am here, with and as my human physical body, and regardless of how others experience themselves, I stand, I move, and I trust myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use control in order to feel stable when I am in the center of attention, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that control is actually a very limited form of expression, because control is always based in some form of underlying fear, wherein there exists a fear of a particular outcome, and there is no self-trust to move the moment as it emerge, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in control as a form of self-distrust, instead of accepting and allowing myself to practice self-trust, and practice moving and expressing myself in a state of being relaxed, comfortable and effectively aligned with and as my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed and obsessed about wanting to have control over how others experience, define, judge and perceive me – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is that I am limiting myself, because obviously – when all my focus and attention goes towards how I perceive others perceive me – then there is no room left within me for me to actually express myself – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how there is no actual need for me to exist within and as this state of tension to be able to effectively direct myself in social situations – and that I can instead trust myself – and move myself in the moment – with the people – express and share myself effortlessly and without this point of anxiety and worry constantly pressing in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how control is actually an illusion – how it’s not in-fact possible for me to control all people in my life – that it’s not possible for me to control, direct and make sure that I’ve got an absolute overview and direction over the participants in my world – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that even though I go into this state of tension, and anxiety, I can’t control and have an absolute power and direct over how others perceive and experience me in a moment of physical participation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the solution is not to go into fear and anxiety, and try to control my life and my world – the solution is rather that I take a breath and bring myself back into and as my human physical body – and that I restate and reclaim myself as self-trust – that I trust myself to in the moment act, live and walk – and that I don’t require a constant pressure within me to be able to effectively handle the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as being inferior to others – and think that I am inferior and incapable of defining and deciding my own worth and value – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give this responsibility to others in my life and in my world – wherein I think that others are superior to me – and thus it’s up to them to place me in this world – and give me a position in this world – and define where and how I should move about and align myself in this world in order to be effective

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give the responsibility of me being stable, and directive in my world – and giving myself my own value and worth to someone else – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify this tendency and way of relating to myself through thinking that I am not the one to give me worth, value and meaning – that I am not strong enough, and that I’ve not gained the necessary life-experience to be able to with certainty place within me who I am – and my value

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give others the responsibility to define me and value me – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others by nature and birth have a higher value than me – and that they are supposed to give me my place and position in this world – because apparently I’m not good enough to do it for and as myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the ability and responsibility to define, value and place myself in this world – to make decisions for myself where I place myself – and not anymore accept and allow myself to give this responsibility to others

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I go into tension, angst, and feeling unsettled as I am in the center of attention, I immediately stop, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I am in this moment limiting myself and participating in control – and defining myself according to what I perceive others see in me – and thus I commit myself to let go of control and breath out – and relax my physical body – relax myself and trust myself – and realize that I don’t require another to define me – and give value to me – because I can simply stand by myself in this moment – in the stability that my human physical body provides and gives in each and every moment of breath – thus I commit myself to live self-trust – to place my attention in my chest area and release the tension I experience – and instead focus on the physical sensations of the moment

I commit myself to take responsibility to define and value myself – to give me purpose and direction – and thus I commit myself to see, realize and understand that this is my responsibility to gift to myself – and that I can’t expect and want anyone else to do it for me – thus I commit myself to stand as the point of equality within me – to realize that I ma not inferior or less than others – but that I am able and capable to stand equal with others and move myself within and as the purpose and direction that I’ve given tso myself

Day 154: Letting Go of a Past Moment

During this last week I’ve had a couple of instances where I forget things, or miss things, or make unnecessary and preventable mistakes, and I looked at where this came from – and I saw that it came from a tendency I have to think about, analyze, and become preoccupied with events and situations that occur in my life.

For example, as I was eating together with a couple of friends, I was discussing and sharing some realizations that I have had, and as the moment was done – and I was supposed to move into a new moment, with my full awareness, and presence being here with me, I instead started to think about, analyze, and pick apart the moment that had already passed, which had the consequence of me not being aware, present, and able to direct the new moment that had entered my world.

What I want to practice living is focus, as well as presence, and live that in such a way, so that when I am done with a moment, I unconditionally move myself to the next moment, and completely let go of the past – and then – if I decide to do so – I can revisit the moment that had passed when I am in a position to do so, for example, as I am lying in my bed, ready to go to sleep, or sitting by my computer writing myself out – though – it’s not appropriate or effective to look at passed moments when I am in the middle of my life, having responsibilities and commitments that I require to direct, to in such a moment start looking at a past moment – because in those situations I require to have my entire awareness and presence here with my human physical body – and with what I am doing here – if I don’t I can obviously manifest dire consequences for myself, which is not necessary at all.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I require to be present, aware and here when and as I am moving myself throughout my life, and that it can have consequences if I do not push myself to remain here – within and as breath – moving myself with what is here and having full attention upon my physical body – and my physical world – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hang unto past moments, and take past moments into my mind and start to analyze them, and think about them, and pick them apart, instead of moving myself HERE within and as breath, within and as my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate my attention from myself, my physical body, and my physical world, through participating in a state of analyzing, and picking apart past moments, and evaluating my performance in these moments, instead of realizing, that this is a thing that I can’t do when I walk in my life, and participate in this reality, because I require to be on my toes, cautious and present of what is going on, and if I don’t push myself to walk this I will create consequences for myself, which is totally unnecessary, because I can just immediately apply and walk this realization that when I am out and about, moving and participating, I require to have my presence HERE on what I am doing in this very moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I fall in a moment, I can’t start thinking about it, because that might have consequences, as I require to be here in my world, and direct myself to take care of my responsibilities, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not direct myself to give me some time each day where I do allow myself to bring up past moments, and look at who I am within them, and look at corrections, and solutions, that I am able to apply to correct these moments and who I am within them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to let go of each moment that I’ve lived, no matter how reactive I’ve been in that moment, to let it go, and then at a later stage, when I do have the time, and when the situation is appropriate, to bring myself back to that moment, and walk it through, and define a correction and solution for myself

Self-commitments

I commit myself to practice letting go of past moments immediately as I’ve walked them through, and bring myself back here to what I am doing, and be here in the present with myself, and have my complete attention here on what I am doing

I commit myself to direct myself to give myself the time each day to look at my day, to look at reactions, and experiences, and define solutions, and corrections for myself – and thus – make sure that I directively make the decision to bring a past moment here for me to look at it and walk through in writing and self-forgiveness

I commit myself to live focus practically in my world, through making sure that I have my attention placed HERE on what I am doing in every moment, and make sure that I don’t preoccupy myself with anything in my mind, but that my complete presence, and awareness is instead located, and focused, and placed here with myself

Day 55: Learning From Others Instead of Competing

I will continue in looking at the point of wanting approval, and also the point of competition – because this point have been opening up recently, and have become more intense.

competition-in-businessThus – in looking at this point – I mean – what is the essence of this point? What is the real point that is the origin of the point of jealousy, competition, and desire for approval? I mean – it’s simple to see – it’s worthlessness – and it’s uselessness; because the main thing with competition is that I want to win and what does winning implies? It implies that I am something more, which also implies that I must already see myself as being something less – because why would I else have to fight to apparently become more?

Thus – what I am seeing is that I’ve created myself into this personality, and character that defines itself as being worthless, and useless – and because of that through competition seeks, and desires to become something more – I mean – this is obviously a completely ludicrous, and in-effective way to live – and what is even more fascinating is that – in living from this starting point of wanting to win, and wanting to gain approval – I mean not giving myself the attention, and focus that I require – which means that I am not even able to see, and correct the points in my daily living, and participation that are objectively seen – worthless – meaning – that they are simply not effective points.

So I mean – here I want to suggest that you read this blog by Anna Brix Thomsen about how to fake yourself through school with top grades – because this is precisely what I am talking about here. In essence Anna describes how she during her education focused herself upon winning the competition, and getting the best grades – the top marks – but in doing that she completely compromised her actual learning, and her actual education – because she was so focused upon what was going on outside of her, how others saw her, and what type of value, and status she was able retain in the system; I mean – so this is the point – when competition becomes my focus – then I loose that which should have been my focus all the time – which is ME – MYSELF and my relationship with myself.

I mean – the very reason why I am at this stage not a effective, wholesome, and completely stable human-being is because all of my life have been focused upon competition and looking at what others are doing – instead of actually looking at myself and asking myself: “okay, what is it that you’re doing here?” – such a point of self-introspection haven’t been with me through-out my life because my attention as been “out there” instead of HERE with me within and as each moment of breath.

This is also why it’s so important to understand that this process can only be walked for, and as self – and that it’s simply redundant, and a waste of time to imagine myself to be something more than what I am, or through wanting to be something more than what I am, because then I miss the real point of actual walking here – and I miss facing the real nature of myself – and instead I become a illusion running around trying to hide my real character – instead of simply recognizing my real and true character and then disciplining myself to work with this point, and correct this point – in realizing that I must begin somewhere, and that a thousand mile journey begins with a single step – but it’s important to actually walk that distance and not utilize the mind and imagine that I’ve walked it – when I haven’t.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to quell, and remove my experience of myself as being worthless through competition, and through attempting and trying to win – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I mean – why simply not remove worthlessness? Why simply not allow myself to be here with myself without fighting myself, without judging myself, and in-fact allowing myself to live and be here in this life without considering, and defining myself as being worthless

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive, and believe that I require to compare myself with others, and compete with others to gain some sort of value, and a definition of myself that I am able to relate too – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I am in-fact limiting myself, and holding myself back from in-fact living when my focus goes to relationships, and goes to what others are doing, or not doing – and who I am in relation to those – because then I do not focus upon myself and my relationship with myself becomes compromised

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my relationship with myself through focusing upon comparison, and competition – thinking that I am enhancing my relationship to myself when I am apparently “winning” – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am merely in-fact destroying my relationship with myself because all of my focus becomes to be something for others to be recognized and feel good about myself – instead of in-fact developing myself within oneness and equality as breath to be a effective, and assertive individual – that do not move by reaction – but that instead invest time to develop self, and to enhance self in real actual practical application as moving with and as the physical here in each and every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give focus upon enhancing myself – and to change the point of competition – from competing to instead learning from others – appreciating that others are effective and that they are here to show me how I can develop that point of effectiveness in myself as well – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not fully embrace this point of appreciating that others are in-fact very good at what they do – and learn from them – I mean – why do I feel like I have to prove myself and win? It’s completely redundant – instead I accept and allow myself to learn, and expand myself – and further enhance my relationship with myself and this physical reality – to truly become a trustworthy, and stable individual in this world that is able to live in a way that is best for all in all ways

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear learning from others, and fear giving up competition – in fear that I will then loose, and that I will then recognize myself as being inferior – instead of allowing myself to drop this entire idea of more, and less – and realize that I am here in this world and that I exist of the same substance as everyone else – and that there is no actual real competition going on – I mean it’s not like there is a real and actual goal that I must kick a ball into because it all exists in my head – and thus I am in-fact fighting myself as others believing that if I let go of competition that I will loose instead of realizing that I can’t loose against myself – I mean that’s just delusional; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not once and for all let go of the point of wanting to win, and wanting to have approval – and instead appreciate others, learn from others, and be humble – and understanding that I will not loose anything what-so-ever in applying this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that really there is no such point as winning – I mean winning is only a energetic experience and not a actual physical reality – thus it’s quite insane that I strive towards this point and compromise actual physical education, and learning from others – to get to this point of feeling positive in feeling that I’ve won – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not BREATH and bring myself back here to the physical as breath – and to accept and allow myself to walk out of my mind and into the physical – and learn to appreciate the effectiveness of others instead of competing with the effectiveness of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that competition only leads to division, and it leads to jealousy, and fighting, and it doesn’t lead to sharing, and mutual benefit – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give to myself the understanding that I will not loose anything from letting go of competition – and that I will gain everything from letting go of competition – and that it’s only a decision that I must make too make a shift in my way of living – wherein I accept and allow myself to genuinely learn, and appreciate what others do that is effective – and if it’s practical – to apply it in my own life – as such expanding myself, and as such also the existence of all – because I am a part of all and not my own island so to speak

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and bring myself back here to the physical – and understand that I can’t loose – because in essence competition isn’t real – it’s a made up concept that can only exist when I have an idea of myself as being something more than the physical here – otherwise I would simply be the physical expressing myself as the physical here – knowing that I can’t be more or less than the physical – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live, and fully embrace this understanding that competition can only exist when I am in my mind – and thus in every breath practice being fully here as my human physical body and as such stopping all highs, and lows – and instead living breath, by breath – here in every moment

Self-corrective statements

When I notice that I attempt and try to fix my experience of feeling worthless, through competing, and winning – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this is not going to work – because winning is a polarity opposite of worthlessness – thus the solution is to STOP once and for all – and live HERE in oneness and equality; as such I commit myself to STOP and to instead LEARN from others – instead APPRECIATE others – and also – appreciate myself and stop fighting in understanding that I am sufficient and enough here as myself as the physical

When and as I see, and notice that I am focusing upon what others are doing, or not doing – and that I am competing with them to build up a idea of myself so that I am able to feel secure, and safe – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this is simply self-abusive – and that it’s me not understanding the simplicity of living – which is to be HERE in every breath – and not needing and requiring more than simply being here with me – as such I commit myself to stop fighting myself, and others – and instead LEARN instead use others to EDUCATE myself – and to APPRECIATE others – and also within this APPRECIATE myself within oneness and equality

When and as I see that I am competing because I think that I am through competition apparently enhancing myself – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I am not enhancing myself through competition – but merely loosing myself in my mind and missing to live here in reality in actual physical oneness and equality – thus missing the chance to be life here; as such I commit myself to realize that competition is never enhancement – as it’s always based upon a state and sense of inferiority – and that real enhancement is to live HERE and work with what is real – without a experience – without a self-definition – simply being here within oneness and equality – as breath – as what is best for all

When and as I see that another is effective in a point, and I go into competition – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I am within this limiting myself because here is a opportunity for me to learn, and to observe – and to within that enhance my relationship with myself – as such I commit myself to stop competing and to practice humbleness – to LEARN and EDUCATE myself – and understand that I won’t loose anything within doing that – I mean loosing is in itself a mind-fuck – because if I am here as the physical as breath – have I then ever, or can I even loose something? I mean – no – because I am here – and in the next breath – I am here

When and as I see that I fear learning, I fear appreciating others, and fear letting go of competition – because apparently then I will loose; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that loosing is a delusion, loosing is a mind-fuck – and that I can only loose because I “feel” that I am loosing – I mean but in physical reality I am always here – just the same as I was before I apparently lost – as such I commit myself to humble myself and to walk through this fear – and to in-fact learn from others – and educate myself through looking at, and observing the example that I see others are walking – and as such enhancing my relationship with myself so that I am to become even more effective in my day to day living

When and as I see that I am compromising my actual physical process of learning, and education through going into competition – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – competition only is real when I give it attention, and I decide to act according to it – but it won’t have power over me when I instead change competition to real physical education – as such I commit myself to stop feeling inferior to the effectiveness of others – and instead LEARN and EDUCATE myself through the examples of others that I see in my world – and within this I accept and allow myself to be grateful for the support, and assistance that I receive

When and as I see that I within me glorify competition as something that will enhance my existence – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that in giving attention to, and glorifying competition, I am in-fact missing LIFE – I am missing mutual benefit, mutual giving, and mutual enjoyment – and I place instead fighting before togetherness – I mean that is simply insane; as such I commit myself to honor physical living as that is real togetherness as being here within and as the physical in oneness and equality; as such I commit myself to live – and to walk here as a fully physical being and not as a mind in anyway what so ever

When and as I see that I in-fact consider in my mind competition as being real, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that competition is not a real physical fact – it’s a imaginary creation that I’ve participated within without understanding the consequences of this mental creation – as such I commit myself to bring myself back HERE – and realize that HERE as the physical there is no fighting, there is no competition – there is simply me expressing myself here – and as such I commit myself to stop the mind-job of and as competition and comparison once and for all

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Day 52: Too Useless To Notice Myself

Yesterday, and the day before I’ve in my Swedish blog been writing about various aspects of wanting to be noticed – in particular the dimension of anticipation, and excitement – and also the dimension of disappointment, and feeling left out – two dimensions that are opposite polarities.

Today I am going to expand on this point further by writing about a particularly interesting experience that have come up on at least two occasions during the day.

So, for some context – the first point was that I entered a moment wherein two beings where speaking – I experienced myself a little pressured and said “Hello!” – only one of the beings said “Hello!” back and the other ignored me – and in that moment of being ignored I felt hit in the stomach – like – “Shit! – He’s excluding me!” – and I tried to sort of hold my appearances up as “Pff that was nothing!” – but within me I was greatly affected, and this also showed in my physical application that became stiff, and held back.

The other situation occurred as I was to take my bike into the building where I live – I was just outside the door, and then another guy comes out – and the door is open – instead of holding the door open for me as I expected he would do he looked at me and then ventured on letting the door slam shut behind him; in that moment I yet again had that reaction of feeling hit in my solar-plexus – and experiencing it as being a attack on my personal pridethinking that – “Does this mean he doesn’t like me?” – “I am becoming ignored all the time, there must be something wrong with me – what am I doing?”

leftoutSo, I mean – both these points represented one interesting thing – “being ignored” – or “being left out” – not being seen, and not being considered – and that was what I took so hard. And how this points relates back to the wanting to be noticed-point – is that this point of being rejected, and ignored is at the opposite polarity of being seen – it’s the thing that I absolutely do not want to happen and that I tend to strive towards not happening through being a generally comfortable and nice guy to be around.

Another point that is interesting is that I see that I started to judge myself after both these situations – and within me I was both angry, sad, and slightly blameful towards the other, and also myself – thinking that this was also my fault because I wasn’t pleasurable, and comfortable enough – there was definitely something that I didn’t do the right way and this is why the situation played out as it did.

So, yet again – the primary points to work with – as my primary issues that lies at the foundation of why I experience this point – is self-respect, self-acceptance, and self-value – words that I am still practicing to live and that I am not fully in all dimensions of my reality standing effectively within and as – because obviously these points show that I still do exist in a polarity when I am around others – of searching for acceptance, and fearing rejection, and being shunned.

I can also mention here that a good blog that I’ve read lately that is also about this particular point is Anna Brix Thomsen blog about “there must be something wrong with me” – and I highly suggest that you read this if you also as me experience difficulties with being stable, and comfortable with yourself regardless of how you perceive that others treat you.

Okay – so the point I will focus my self-forgiveness, and self-commitments upon today will be this point of being ignored/rejected – and the various points that opened up within this.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel rejected, and ignored when I say something, or do something, and nobody pay’s any attention to me – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when nobody seems to notice me, and go into and as a reaction of thinking that there is something wrong with me – and that if I’d been a “normal being” then people would’ve noticed me, and would’ve seen me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame, and judge myself when I feel that I am not being noticed enough – and think that there is something wrong with me because apparently I should be noticed by others, and apparently being noticed by others is what shows me that I am “normal” – and that I am “acceptable” – and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not unconditionally accept myself, and respect myself – and to stop defining my value, and worth according to whether I perceive that I am noticed or not – and as such live the correction of me living self-value – through not anymore speaking, and behaving from a starting point of wanting to be noticed, and wanting to be seen

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that unless I am noticed I have no value, and worth – and that unless I feel as being a part of someone else’s world – there is something wrong with me, and there is something I’ve not considered – and there is something that I’ve done badly; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define, and see self-value as being something that is given to me by others, and is something that will happen to me when I am able to satisfy and please others – and make others feel that they are having a good time around me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when I do not feel, or perceive that another have taken notice of me, and respected me properly – and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I want to be noticed, and respected by others – because I’ve not given these points to myself – I’ve not allowed myself to in-fact notice myself – meaning to see myself, to get to know myself, and be intimate with myself – and that I’ve not allowed myself to respect myself – because I’ve still accepted and allowed myself to search for others to give me value instead of me valuing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it’s impossible for me to value myself, and that I am not able to value myself because I don’t know how to do it – because I’ve never done it before – and so within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that self-value is being content with myself – and understanding that I don’t need to assert myself in any form of social setting to be okay with myself – but that I am self-value and that everything that I need, and want as being noticed is here for me to give to myself in each and every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that unless I am seen by others, and unless others respond, and react to what I am saying, or doing – that I’ve then said, or done something wrong – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I speak, and express myself – to always be nervous as to how others will respond to me – because I believe that this response will determine my value, and determine my very existence – and as such I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to value myself – and trust myself – and stop defining myself according to how I perceive that others are feeling about me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to how I believe that others see me – and think that this definition that I’ve created in my mind of myself, as how I believe that others see me is in anyway real – and actual physical point – instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that it’s not a real, and actual physical – and that it’s not about actual facts but only about what I feel, and experience, as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value what I feel, and what I experience more than myself – and more than my actual physical movement of and as myself here in every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start to backchat about others as being “mean” and being “inconsiderate” – when I feel that they have not given me the attention that I need; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for me not feeling that I am noticed enough – instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that I don’t need to be noticed anymore by others – and that I am able to in-fact notice myself – I mean I can see myself in every moment and the question I should really ask myself is why hasn’t this been enough? I mean – I am here to notice me in every breath yet why have I wanted more?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, and desire to have more than me noticing myself – thinking that I am worthless, and useless, and that it doesn’t matter that I notice, and see myself – because apparently what matters is that another see and notice me, and define me as being positive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop the inferiority within me as thinking that I am by design less than others, and as such that I must be noticed by others – instead of seeing, realizing, and understand that I’ve invented my design and as such it’s not inherent – and it doesn’t have to remain this way – because I am able to change myself and as such be fully content, and satisfied in me seeing, and noticing myself – and not anymore having to make sure that others feel positively towards me – but that I instead live self-value, self-worth, and self-respect here – in being stable within and as me in all social settings knowing that I am sufficient, and I am enough – and I don’t need anyone to tell me or show me this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I notice myself, or when I am aware of myself – that this doesn’t count because I am apparently useless – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop and change this self-destructive reasoning within me – to as such accept and allow myself to stand up for myself and live self-worth, and self-respect in each moment – in not allowing myself to be defined, and created by how I perceive that others experience me

Self-commitments

When and as I say, and do something, and nobody takes notice – and I react in taking it personally, thinking that there is something wrong with me – Immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that there is nothing wrong with me – but only that nobody has taken notice of me – and nothing else have really happened; as such I commit myself to breath – and simply continue to express myself in the moment without making a big deal out nobody noticing me – I express me for myself and not so that somebody can take notice of me

When and as I see that I am blaming, and judging myself as thinking that “there is something wrong with me” – because nobody seems to have taken notice of me in a moment – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I don’t have to make it a big deal, or take it personally – I mean it’s simply that nobody noticed me and nothing more – as such I commit myself to simply breath and continue moving, and applying myself naturally here and stop any secret agenda of wanting to be accepted, or seen, or heard, or loved – I commit myself to accept, respect, and worth myself

When and as I see that I am thinking that I am worthless unless somebody takes notice of me, thinks about me, or considers me in a way so that I feel important – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I mean – I can’t live my life constantly evaluating myself upon the basis of how I think others see, and notice me – as that will make me to become a slave and nothing more but a slave – as such I commit myself to practice expressing myself without wanting anything back – expressing myself unconditionally and without searching for any form of response when I speak and express myself

I commit myself to notice, and see myself – and to practically worth myself – and to do this through practicing expressing myself unconditionally and without wanting, or desiring to have any specific response in return – and that I simply express myself naturally in the moment as a breath – speak naturally, move myself naturally – as I would’ve done if I was by myself – because in essence I am always by myself – and thus I commit myself to live self-worth, and self-respect through valuing myself unconditionally and not limit myself to feel comfortable only when I think that others think I am fun, or cool to be with

When and as I think, and believe that it’s impossible for me to value, and worth myself – because I’ve never done it; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that it’s not impossible – but it’s just convenient for me to think that it is because then I won’t have to change myself – as such I commit myself to practice living self-worth, and self-respect practically through not allowing my expression of myself to be dependent upon how others express themselves towards me

When and as I see that I become nervous about how others will respond to something that I’ve said – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I don’t have to live this way of evaluating myself on the basis of how others respond to me – but that I am able to change my way of living so that I express myself as myself without wanting anything back – and thus that I give, and share of myself unconditionally; as such I commit myself to speak within oneness and equality as my human physical body – speak HERE and without any secret agenda as how I’d like others to respond to me – and experience me; because I see that this is self-limitation

When and as I see that I am changing myself in my way of moving, speaking, sharing, and expressing myself – because I believe that others feel a particular way about me – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that if I allow me to change because others feel a specific way about me – then this is me limiting myself, and making me less than what I am able to be; as such I commit myself to live my fullest potential in every moment through not worrying, or thinking about what others feel, or not feel in relation to me – and instead focus upon me expressing myself self-honestly in every moment of breath

When and as I see, and notice that I start to backchat about others as being “mean” and “inconsiderate” – because they’ve not given me the attention that I apparently deserve – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that what I experience has nothing to do with others – and that me not feeling that I am being given attention is my issue and it’s not anything about actual attention; as such I commit myself to simply stop and to re-align myself in the moment as me speaking, and sharing myself for and as myself here in this moment within oneness and equality as physical breath – here with my body with no starting point that is in separation from myself as here

When and as I want others to notice me, and that I am thinking it’s not enough that I notice, and see myself – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that it’s a misconception that I’ve made thinking that what others experience matters – when what matters is the physical and my movement in the physical – thus I decide who I am and not the attention I perceive that I receive from others; as such I commit myself to practice directing my human physical body – and my expression to not be dependent upon any form of expression that “get in return” – I express myself unconditionally here

When and as I see that I am thinking that I apparently must receive notice, and attention from others, because I am less by design, and inferior as a trait that I’ve been born with and can’t change – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this is merely an excuse for me to not stop, and change myself – and re-align myself – because I know that I can change myself and that it’s as such just a point of actually doing it; as such I commit myself to stop whining, and victimizing myself to my experiences – and instead simply change myself in one moment – in one breath – here

When and as I think that me noticing myself, and giving myself attention – through me expressing myself within oneness and equality as my full physical awareness here – is not enough because I am apparently useless – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I am the creator and thus I decide what I will accept, and allow and what not – thus I decide that I am useful – and that I am enough – that me giving me attention, and noticing myself is sufficient; as such I commit myself to notice, and give myself attention – and to be here with me – and to understand that this is everything that I require and need

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Day 17: Test-anxiety – There is no time! (Part 7)

I’ve now begun to prepare for my exams, and this I am currently doing through re-reading all of the material that have been presented at the course, and making sure that I know everything of it.

1338990124_running out of timeNow, in me re-reading all of the material, and looking through old exams, and taking notes – I notice that there is much anxiety coming up within me – and the anxiety is in relation to the point of “What if I am studying wrong? What if I am placing my time, and attention on the wrong things, and then in the end I am going to fail?”

So – what I am able to see is that this is yet again fear of failure lurking it’s ugly head, and that I am within my studies – instead of studying – actually existing within a state of fear of failure. See – this I’ve found to be very fascinating – that in terms of for example fear of death – we spend so much time fearing death that we do not actually live – instead of changing our starting point to live fully in every moment and then when death comes – embrace that point as well – and because we do not live this we instead spend our time in fear and manage to do very little with our life’s because we are possessed with fear; this is exactly the same situation that I am facing in relation to my studies – wherein – I am instead of studying – instead worrying of the outcome of my studies, and that I might be studying wrong; completely ludicrous.

Though – when I’ve been sitting for some hours – usually this fear subsides and I get into my studying completely – and then I am only here – taking a breath – and then reading the next paragraph, or taking a note – simply studying so to speak. That’s how simple it should be to study for an exam – to simply do it – to simply sit down and study – with no anxiety, no fear, no projections, no worry – so this is the point I am going to work with today in my self-forgiveness, and self-commitment statements.

Self-forgiveness

1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry and fear that I will fail with my studies – meaning don’t produce a effective grade – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus upon what might go wrong, to focus upon fear – instead of focusing upon studying – instead of focusing upon being here and learning the material that I require, and need to learn in order to pass my upcoming exams

2. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus upon what I experience – instead of looking at what I am doing, and focusing upon me participating effectively within and as this world – me moving myself in this world and being here – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the mind as “possessing me” – when in-fact it’s me that is focusing upon fear instead of focusing upon living

3. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I sit down with my studies, to project myself into the future – into a distant future point – wherein I am experiencing a failure – as me not getting a effective grade on my exam – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then go into a complete state of anxiety, and worry – a complete state of possession wherein I am possessed with my fear, and my anxiety – and I experience it as the end of the world – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose touch with what it is that I am doing here – which is studying – and completely go into my mind instead of remaining here with and as breath – with and as the physical – and simply studying for my exams

4. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that when I experience studying for my exams as stressful, as hard, as fearful – then this does not indicate that there is something wrong with the exams – it indicates that there is something wrong with me – because I mean – it’s ME that is making my experience of studying for the exams to be this stressful, and uncomfortable experience – it’s as such nobody but me that is able to stop this; and I mean – this doesn’t mean that I have to study less – or that I should instead prioritize other points instead of my exams – it only means that the WHO I AM must change – the decision of what, and who I accept and allow myself to be in every breath

5. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how ridiculous anxiety really is – because it’s a fear of what might happen – and when in this fear I have no directive control over what is happening HERE – because I am somewhere out there looking at what might happen, and obviously this is completely stupid – because it’s HERE that my attention should be – because it’s HERE that life happens – it’s not out there in a distant future – it’s not in my head in a dream, or fantasy – it’s HERE – in the physical – in breath – in the moment – here life happens and nowhere else – and as such it’s my responsibility to remain here as breath – and not go into my mind to try and get there, or be there

6. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to enjoy studying for my exams – and to do so without anxiety – to go to the library, to sit there and read – to prepare myself to the utmost of my ability – and to enjoy this preparation phase – to walk it as a challenge – as something that I find enjoyable – and something which I am not doing from a starting point of fearing failure; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that fear, and anxiety sucks that life out of everything – and when there is fear – there is no presence – no enjoyment – no pleasure – there is only this fear – and this worry – and this hastiness – that I no way deserve to be called life

7. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give up my desires in relation to having a good grade, and give my desires of becoming something in this life – and in this see, realize, and understand – that in giving up my desires I am truly making myself able to be effective in this life – and move without self-judgment, and without fear – focusing upon common sense – placing myself in a position that is the best for me – as such being fearless and completely and intently focused upon LIVING – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand – that this is the key to being effective in this life – to live fearlessness – which is a point that can only come forth when all desires are let go of

8. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of my desire to after I’m done with my studies – to get a highly paid job – or to get into being a judge, or something “high-class” – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I need a desire to be fulfilled for me to live – for me to express myself – for me to be effective within this life – and I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand how limited desires in-fact are – that they are merely these pictures, these small dreams – that are simply illusions because I’ve no idea how I’d experience myself being a judge for example – and thus they are merely hear-say – as information that I’ve gathered and decided that I want to live and have my life to look like – instead of considering common sense – and what is best for all – and what is best for me

Self-commitments

1. When and as I see that I am worrying, and fearing that I will fail with my studies – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – this worry, and fear is simply in my way of living – it only distracts me from being effective in every moment of breath; as such I commit myself to focus upon living – expressing myself – and doing my studies – and not fear, and anxiety

2. When and as I see that I am focusing upon what I experience – making my experience my god, and that which is of utmost importance – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that there is MORE than this – that there is an entire physical existence HERE that is not of experience but is in-fact a actual physical point; as such I commit myself to focus upon this physical – actual reality – and not on my experience

3. When and as I see and notice that is I sit down to study – that I am projecting myself into the future – and seeing a image of my failing, and being miserable due to having received a bad test score – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here; and I see, realize, and understand that – I mean – while I am doing this projection-thingy – I am really missing my actual studies here – and while I am doing my fear-thingy – I am actually missing to integrate, and learn the information that is in-front of me in my book – I mean I am as such creating that which I fear through participating in fear; thus – I commit myself to stop participating in fear to bring myself back here to the physical and focus upon me LIVING – me STUDYING – me MOVING MYSELF – being HERE – PRESENT – DIRECTIVE – ALIVE!

4. When and as I see, and notice that I experience my exams as being stressful, hard, and fearful – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that my exams in themselves are not stressful, hard, and fearful – it’s ME that makes my exams to be this emotional rollercoaster instead of me remaining physical – breathing – and moving myself HERE – within and as my physical moment-to-moment – basis; as such I commit myself to make my studying for the exams to be FUN – a challenge – something that I enjoy to push myself within for no other reason but to challenge myself – and within this see how effective I am able to become within the education system – while not accepting and allowing a grade to define who I am

5. When and as I see and notice that I am existing within and as anxiety, as fear of what might happen – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see that fear of what might happen – is really a unnecessary fear – because while I am fearing what might happen I am not here directing what is actually happening – as such without any awareness and directive principle moving myself through my life – hoping that everything will turn out okay when I am really blindfolded because I am not in-fact here; as such I commit myself to bring myself back HERE from the future – and to live – participate – and remain here – because here is where the happening happens – in every breath

6. When and as I see, and notice that I am not enjoying my studies – but that I experience them as a struggle – and as something boring – and something tedious – and anxious-driven – I immediately stop myself, I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I don’t have to experience my studies these way – I am in-fact able to enjoy my studies – and appreciate studying – it’s simply a matter of who I decide to be in the moment; as such I commit myself to make my studies enjoyable – something fun – and pleasurable – and something that I look forward to – and not something that I try to shun away from – and hide from in fear

7. When and as I see that I am participating in the positive, as projecting myself into the future – and looking at my desires – hoping that they’ll manifest – for example – me becoming a judge, or getting a high-paid lawyer job – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that my desires are not real – they don’t depict my actual future, or how I’d actually experience myself in such a profession; as such I commit myself to stop polarizing my living through attempting to create my life as fantasies – and I instead focus upon LIVING HERE – seeing that only when I let go of all desires – will I stand without fear

8. I commit myself to develop, and create myself as fearlessness through letting go of all desires – and bringing myself back to my human physical body to live HERE

9. When and as I see that I am participating in a desire – as a fantasy – of me seeing myself getting a job wherein I get a high pay, and I become rich, and I have big network of friends – that see me as their best-friend – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – this picture that comes up within me – I mean – I am sacrificing my physical presence, and living for this picture that comes up in my mind – does that make sense in anyway what so ever? No – obviously it doesn’t – it’s completely stupid – and as such I commit myself to bring myself BACK HERE – and live without desires – live without trying to reach and attain pictures – and instead live and direct myself HERE on a moment to moment basis