Tag Archives: back

Day 448: Back To Basics

Changing the world. How do we do that?

If you have ever asked yourself this question, it is likely, that you as me, immediately started to look OUT THERE. What new laws do we need? What president must we elect and who must we remove from power? What problems are there that must be addressed? Climate change, wars, poverty, inequality?

I am not saying that it is wrong to pay attention to and push ourselves to create a difference in our external reality. There are indeed many things that we will have to direct if we want to see ourselves and this reality become its fullest potential. However, what is usually missed when the above question is asked, is how our INTERNAL and our immediate EXTERNAL reality, are equally as important, if not more so, than creating a definitive change in a larger context. Thus, a key I have found for myself is to be ready to get BACK to the BASICS. And in-fact, unless the basics are stable and functional – it is not possible to walk out and create a lasting impact in the bigger picture. I have seen this for myself many times. When I move out into world to direct a point, if I am not HERE, stable and able to direct the individual moments that come into my life, I will not be able to get through.

World change involves individual change. The world is made up out of many individual lives, and each life is affecting the whole. This is why no one can be free unless everyone is free. Because how can the world as a whole change for the better unless the individual parts that make up the world change? Making sure that we are living the best of ourselves in our personal and individual lives is thus more important than what it has been made out to be. And living our own fullest potential is not the same as ‘being a good person’ – it is about awakening and developing a substantial and sustainable relationship to LIFE – the PHYSICAL – all that which is here in this reality and that makes our lives possible.

When all of our focus is placed on the larger picture, it is easy to loose track of the SMALL. Though, it is in the small that change can be implemented immediately. It is in the small that we have direct access to define and live a change for and as ourselves. Take something as simple as waking up in the morning. How much could we change our experience of ourselves during a day, and indirectly, the people we run into, if we would wake up in the morning, immediately get out of the bad, and make the directive decision to face the world and what might come boldly, with enjoyment and curiosity. Our entire day would be different.

Change happens in a moment. And sure, when manifesting change in a larger context, there are several moments that link up, and that accumulates into a point of no return – where change is inevitable. Even so, in the big, we find the small – individual moments where the decision to change was made and then brought to LIFE by PRACTICAL action. It is thus important to always remember the small – what might seem insignificant seen in isolation – can be the one point that tips the scale. That is worthwhile to remember when the world out there seems overwhelming and too big to ever move forward in the direction we want. It is in the small that we have our POWER to effect CHANGE.

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Day 337: How To End Rear View Mirror Living?

When you build something big, such as a house, there will (unless you are MacGyver or some other perfect individual) be mistakes made, things missed, points forgotten, or not considered sufficiently. I know because I have been there, it is not possible, or at least, close to impossible to build the perfect house, or the perfect what-so-ever. In the end, there will always be things that could have been better. For me, it has been sometimes difficult to come to terms with these mistakes, that after the house has been finished, each day openly and glaringly stares me in my face. The emotion is there, that deep urge, and desire, to be able to turn back time and make a different decision, the right one. And even though it is of no point to go in my mind go back in time, and consider these things, the experience driving this thought-process is an experience that it could potentially change something, there is that nagging experience, that maybe, maybe if I stick with it, and look at it once more, it will change.

This way of approaching life – which I coin Rear-View-Mirror-Living – is a real party killer. The consequences of ‘Rear-Mirroring’ (the verb conjugation of my new word) is that I will not give the necessary attention to my life HERE, I will not focus on improving and pushing my daily living forward, but my thoughts, and my considerations will remain in the past – LIFE here will become but a empty narrative – bereft of substance – because all of my being will be in the past. The main problem thus is that no CREATION will happen as all attention is gathered on what has already been created – and the faults/mistakes of that particular creation – it is a form of regret. And we, sane people, can all agree that living in regret is no way to live, though few of us are able to use that regret, the Rear-Mirror-Living, as keys to self-expansion and building a better life for ourselves. In other words, making the enemy our friend.

What we see in our rear view and that bugs us will be consequences created by aspects of ourselves which we are able to change in the present. Unfortunately however, what we see in our rear view, such as regrets, will often end up as an emotion a – a state of dissatisfaction and a point that we continuously go back to in order to ponder – only serving our mind and not our physical creation. Hence, what is missed in that state of pondering about the past is that we can instead look at HOW we created the particular situation that is now a point of regret within us; What about our character was responsible for creating the situation/point we now experience a regret towards? Because, if we are able to see HOW we created a particular point in the past, we can identify where we are creating the same in our present reality, and thus how we are able to assist and support ourselves to change, and realign, to NOT recreate the past.

A part from us being able to shift the tendency of Rear-View-Mirror-Living into a present and future oriented CREATION living – what is important when it comes to stopping our ‘looking back phenomena’ is to dare to NOT think – having the courage to simply STOP. I have noticed that at times, I have felt compelled to think about something, and oftentimes the illusion is that I am able to reach some form of conclusion or state of release by thinking, thus making me anxious of stopping my thought process, because what if I then miss out on this great realization I am apparently about to have? However, I have realized that, thinking about these things, without exception, always leads to an even more unstable and conflicted state of mind. Release only comes through letting go of the process of thinking, and that takes some courage, because it implies letting go of the problem/issue/experience that is the foundation of the thought pattern. And because we let go of a foundation, we now have to create our own self – our own direction/movement/future – that is why it is so scary – we are entering into the unknown.

Let us look at another perspective on this point: When someone goes of rambling about mistakes they did in the past, it is easy to attempt and try to comfort them by telling them that things are not as bad as they think. This however is not an efficient way of approaching the Rear-View-Character – what instead should be brought to their attention is that by looking at the mechanics of HOW their past moment was created – and HOW those mechanics are still a part of their present life – and as such – they will be able to stop themselves from recreating their past. Hence their focus and effort should be placed on aligning and changing these inefficient traits, memes and quirks (their current self-mechanics) so that they can walk into a better future. When we look at the past pro-actively – it can be a GREAT source of knowledge that we are able to use to get to know ourselves better.

To sum it up. Rear-View-Mirror-Living (do I have copyright on this term now?) is in its essence an addiction to thoughts – we want to think about our past – feel good or bad about it – continuously assess, value, pinpoint, and define with our minds. This is a LIMITATION – because by existing in a Rear View State – we miss out on CREATING our life HERE. This brings me into the solution – which is to CREATE: CREATE our future – CREATE our character – CREATE our skills, abilities, our integrity, our state of mind, our WHO WE ARE – and NOT leave anything to to chance. In that process of CREATION – we are able to use our inner Rear View Mirror to LEARN about ourselves – to see where we need fine tuning, and to understand, what consequences our characters and patterns have the potential of creating. However – the Rear View must never become a purpose in itself – we USE it to expand – not to be in a constant state of looking back.

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Day 26: Test-anxiety – The Results Are Back! (Part 15)

test resultsContinuing with test anxiety. Today I got back some results on a paper that I’d written, and I reacted in anxiety, fear, and nervousness – and as I opened the document to look at my results my heart began to race, and I felt that the blood in my body was pumping around much faster – revealing that I was within that moment possessed in fear.

What I realized was that this fear experience didn’t happen in that moment – it’s an outflow of many moments, many thoughts, and my fantasies – that I’ve then accumulated in my mind – and then this dammed energy comes up in one moment as they are triggered by an event. Thus – what I am going to do here in this blog-post is to locate exactly what I’ve thought, and fantasized about in order bring about this particular fear.

Firstly – I see that I’ve for some days excitedly been awaiting the results, and I’ve acted this point out through going unto the web each day, and looking if the results had arrived – and this was actually one of my first thoughts as I wake up this day – to go and check my student-login and find out if the results had arrived – thus what I am able to see is that this particular pattern presents a hope, and a desire – which means that I desired a good result – and due to this I also created the polarity opposite of desire which is fear.

In looking at what desire that lies behind my reaction – I am able to see that it’s not really a desire for a better life, it’s not a desire for material possessions as in getting a good job later, due to having received very good grades in school – the desire is instead in relation to my name, my standing, and my idea of myself as who I am in this world – and I’ve defined myself to be a “intelligent person” – and thus my desire is to keep, and retain this idea of myself – and to be able to feel, and define myself as superior around other people because I’ve received “the best grade”.

Thus – I find it interesting – that the fear I experience is not even a fear that is in relation to MY LIFE so to speak – meaning – that the fear is really about what I’d like others to feel, and think about me – which is fucked up – as it implies that I am living, studying, and breathing to have others see me as I’d like them to see me – instead of me living my life for myself and not worrying about what others might, or might not think about me.

In a way – me getting a good grade on my studies is a way to suppress inferiority, and a state of social angst around people – because when I get a good grade I am able to take that point, define myself as it, and then feel slightly more comfortable with myself – because apparently this point of success make me become slightly more worthy than I was before.

Thus – the key points as living solutions is to live for myself – meaning – to make decisions without worrying what others are going to think about me – and to also – accept myself – and stop looking for others to accept, validate, and recognize myself – thus giving what I desire to myself and not anymore searching for it out there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as being a intelligent, and intellectual human being, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take pride in, and feel superior to others – due to me feeling that I am more intellectual than others – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this definition, and idea of myself to survive in this world – to survive in social interactions – and to assert myself in fear that if I stand as myself – and simply breath – I will loose myself and not survive in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize an idea of myself – as me being effective, and good in school – in order to create a definition of myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cling to this definition, and idea of myself – and to think that this definition is who I am – and that I must at any cost uphold this definition – because apparently – if I do not uphold this definition of myself – I will cease to exist – and I will not anymore be of any use in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that self-definitions are limited – and that self-definitions are based in fear – the fear of being limitless and without any form of self-created jail – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become comfortable, and take a liking to my self-created jail – as the definition of myself – that I am good in school, that I am intelligent, and that I am intellectual – thinking that this idea, and definition of myself protects in my world – and makes me safe – instead of accepting, and allowing myself to see – realize, and understand – that this definition isn’t real – but merely some memories that I’ve put together within myself – and used to designed a Frankenstein – a dead beingness put together with dead memories – thinking that this is who I am – instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that I am here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that without confirming this idea of myself as being good in school, effective, and intellectual – that I will not anymore be able to live, and exist in this world – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself so completely that I believe that I need a thought – and a memory to exist – not realizing that I have the proof here in every breath that I don’t require a thought – and that I don’t require a memory to live, and to express myself – but that what I require is ME to be HERE with me and not lost in my mind and all crap that comes up in my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed with and as fear, and anxiety of loosing my idea of myself as being something special – which is really what it’s all about – that I want to be special, and that I use my education as a way to fuel this idea of myself, and definition of myself that I am special – and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted, and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand – that desiring to be special – and thinking that I am special – is a jail that I’ve designed for myself – a trap – and a complete stop – wherein I am not anymore allowing myself to expand, and to move myself out from a state of fear – and into my flesh – and into real physical – breath by breath living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not dare to let go of my self-definition of myself as having a special purpose in this life – and of the definition of myself as being a winner – and as being something more than average – because I see that this very definition of me is limitation – and even though it feels good to think that I am special, and a winner – what hides behind everything is fear – is the fear of being looked at by others as useless, and worthless – and as less than – and thus the search for specialness – reveals to me that I’ve not yet accepted myself – and decided to love myself regardless of where I am in this world – or who I am in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understanding that searching to be special – and searching to be a winner is in-fact self-hatred – and self-bullying – wherein I am implying that I am not good enough before I’ve managed to show to myself that I am a winner – and that I deserve my love – and that I deserve my acceptance of myself – and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to say – enough is enough – now I will stop this inner rat race and finally accept myself – and allow myself to loose – because the beauty of loosing is that I can then focus upon being with myself – and letting myself live – because that is the problem with trying to win – that in doing that I’m missing out on life and living

When and as I see that I am defining myself as being special, and as a winner – and I seek to uphold, and assert this idea of myself through getting good grades in school – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I don’t need to feel special, and that I don’t need to think that I am a winner – and I don’t need a definition of myself what-so-ever in order to be here – and love me – and accept me; as such I commit myself to let go of the hunt for specialness – and to let go of my definition of myself as being more than average – and instead allow myself to love myself – and accept myself – and enjoy living instead of searching for the win

When and as I see that I am going into a state of hastiness – as trying to “get there” because over “there” I’ll apparently be able to assert my definition of myself as being the best – and being special – I immediately stop myself – I take a breath – and I bring myself back here – and I commit myself to BE HERE – with myself – and live here – to stop trying to get there – as I see that there is the biggest lie, and illusion that have ever been promulgated in this world – as it implies that I can only be fulfilled and whole in the future – when the only point that is real and actual is HERE as this moment in this very breath

When and as I see that I am going into a state of survival – as using memories within me to substantiate an idea of myself that I am special, unique, and a winner – intellectual, and intelligent – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – memories are not alive – memories do not show me who I am – memories are in-fact lies of the past imposing themselves to be me – while the fact of the situation is that I am HERE – and that I am not a memory – but that I am a living being able to make decisions and move myself by common sense here – and as such not in need of a memory-character to tell me who I am; as such I commit myself to live without a character – and without memories – and without a definition of myself – and push myself to stand bare as breath – as a new born baby in every moment of breath HERE

PossessionDemonic possession, psychokinetic control of a person by the Devil or other malevolent spirit

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2012 Bring it Back to Self

In the beginning as I started to walk process I couldn’t fathom or understand the statement “the world reflects you back to yourself” – or “the world is a mirror of yourself” – because from my perspective what I saw in this world was in no way me; I didn’t have any shit in me! If I was seeing someone that looked grumpy, and depressed – or fearful and nervous – I would be completely certain that what I was seeing was the other person, and not myself. And the same with actions that others took, if I would see someone that forgot to clean their dishes after themselves after they finished eating, I would become angry and think, “but how irresponsible and inconsiderate they are!” – never would I start to consider that what I was seeing was actually myself.

It was the same with how situations played in my world with other human beings – one situation might’ve played in such a way that the person I was participating with became angry and frustrated, started to scream and rant – I would in such a moment naturally think that this had nothing to do with me, this they were doing towards me! How I participated in that moment, within and without, that was in no way related to how this person was behaving now… obviously!

I am now glad to announce that the understanding of the above mentioned statements – “bring it back to self” – have dawned upon me, as I’ve through walking the agreement course been assisted to apply the practice of “bring it back to self”. So, let me explain how this functions and what this tool of “bring it back to self” entails.

In the agreement course, the first “truth” so to speak that’s underlined and learned, is that the functionality of all self’s agreements has it’s origin in the agreement self has with self – thus if self has a functioning, effective, and caring agreement with self – this is how self’s agreements with external points in this world will form – if self has stopped all conflicts within self – this is how self will participate, interact and experience others in his world – one and equal. Now – within this “truth” is implied that any bullshit self experience in his world is – all about self – it’s not about what’s out there, it’s not about fixing or changing anything else – but self – as all of self’s external reality is shaped, experienced and formed by how self interacts and stands in relation to reality, and this interaction is one and equal as how self interacts and stands in relation to self’s internal reality – as self = the self-agreement.

Following these principles is then in the course introduced and taught the importance of the practice of “bringing it back to self” – as this practice allows one to stop projecting, and looking outside of self for the problem, the issue, or the solution – too instead see and realize that what self is seeing to be existing out there, is in-fact existing within self.

As an example I will use how I’ve walked through points of being attracted to my partner due certain character traits my partner has – now what I realized that I was attracted to within my partner is her ability so share herself with her world confidently, and to interact with people that she haven’t met before, with no fear or anxiety – and so I was attracted to this point because I thought and believed that I couldn’t give this to myself, and that I required in order for me to experience this point, and have it my world, I needed to create it in my external reality – as then spending time together with my partner.

Though, through the application of “bring it back to self” – I realized and saw that this point of attraction that I experienced towards my partner wasn’t in-fact about my partner at all, it had nothing to do with how my partner expressed and experienced herself with other people – no – the attraction that I experienced was in-fact me showing to myself that – “hey! Here is a point that you’d like to live as yourself, that you aren’t yet allowing yourself to live! Saddle your horse and integrate that point as yourself! You know you want to!” – and so as I brought it all back to myself, this allowed for me to re-view my application and experience together with people, and within this I saw how I often feel shy, nervous, and uncomfortable to speak with people that I don’t yet know, or that doesn’t look like they would like to have anything to do with me – and from within me seeing that I wasn’t living as I’d like to live (being all shy and fearful) and experience myself with people, I was then able to apply and direct myself to become and manifest myself as that which I saw in my partner as what she was giving to herself and allowing herself to live – as accepting and allowing herself to be confident, and comfortable with herself speaking and being together with people she haven’t met before.

So – the point of bringing it back to self has really been an eye-opener, that have allowed me to effectively self-reflect and introspect – and apart from me applying this technique with what I’ve been attracted to within my partner, I’ve also applied it to what I’ve become angry and frustrated with in relation to what my partner is doing – as for example not emptying the bin – but instead “leaving it all up to me” – and within this I’ve seen that I am not in-fact frustrated with my partner, the frustration is really me being pissed of at myself ­– because as I’ve brought the point back to myself, I’ve been able to see that I’ve been living exactly the same behavior of sloppiness and carelessness that I saw in my partner, but in other parts of my world and in different ways. Thus I through bringing it back to myself effectively exposed to myself what I’ve in-fact been doing towards myself – this through having my partner function as a mirror to myself, and within this I opened up the opportunity for me to direct, learn and change myself, something that I obviously wouldn’t have ever done if I’d gone with my initial reaction as feeling that – “my partner is so sloppy! I got to tell her to stop this sloppiness, because obviously this not about me, I always empty the bin!”

Really – since I began to seriously apply this method of looking at my reality, the reactions, experiences, and thoughts that I have about others in my world have become my greatest source of information, and my greatest teacher, in terms of showing to myself how I am really living and existing – and how I could exist instead, if I’d allow myself to change. I could instead of being sloppy – take responsibility for myself and my world every time and every day – I could instead of being unconfident and afraid of other people – be confident and comfortable in my application with others – I could instead of isolating myself, and waiting for others to make contact with me – direct myself to interact with, and communicate with others, and within that accept and allow myself to have some fun – be daring – and explore the reality that is here; thus me bringing everything of my experiences of this reality back to myself has opened up a big treasure chest, filled with opportunities of self-change, and self-realization – that I am really grateful for finding!

So, for anyone else there that is struggling with his or her reality, feeling that “nothing is working out” – and “nobody is doing anything right” – my one and only suggestion is – bring it back to self! Hell – bring everything, each and every point back to yourself, and allow yourself to realize how little you really know about living, and first and foremost, about yourself!

And if you want effective support within this process of learning how to bring everything back to yourself – check out the agreement course, and DIP.