Continuing with test anxiety. Today I got back some results on a paper that I’d written, and I reacted in anxiety, fear, and nervousness – and as I opened the document to look at my results my heart began to race, and I felt that the blood in my body was pumping around much faster – revealing that I was within that moment possessed in fear.
What I realized was that this fear experience didn’t happen in that moment – it’s an outflow of many moments, many thoughts, and my fantasies – that I’ve then accumulated in my mind – and then this dammed energy comes up in one moment as they are triggered by an event. Thus – what I am going to do here in this blog-post is to locate exactly what I’ve thought, and fantasized about in order bring about this particular fear.
Firstly – I see that I’ve for some days excitedly been awaiting the results, and I’ve acted this point out through going unto the web each day, and looking if the results had arrived – and this was actually one of my first thoughts as I wake up this day – to go and check my student-login and find out if the results had arrived – thus what I am able to see is that this particular pattern presents a hope, and a desire – which means that I desired a good result – and due to this I also created the polarity opposite of desire which is fear.
In looking at what desire that lies behind my reaction – I am able to see that it’s not really a desire for a better life, it’s not a desire for material possessions as in getting a good job later, due to having received very good grades in school – the desire is instead in relation to my name, my standing, and my idea of myself as who I am in this world – and I’ve defined myself to be a “intelligent person” – and thus my desire is to keep, and retain this idea of myself – and to be able to feel, and define myself as superior around other people because I’ve received “the best grade”.
Thus – I find it interesting – that the fear I experience is not even a fear that is in relation to MY LIFE so to speak – meaning – that the fear is really about what I’d like others to feel, and think about me – which is fucked up – as it implies that I am living, studying, and breathing to have others see me as I’d like them to see me – instead of me living my life for myself and not worrying about what others might, or might not think about me.
In a way – me getting a good grade on my studies is a way to suppress inferiority, and a state of social angst around people – because when I get a good grade I am able to take that point, define myself as it, and then feel slightly more comfortable with myself – because apparently this point of success make me become slightly more worthy than I was before.
Thus – the key points as living solutions is to live for myself – meaning – to make decisions without worrying what others are going to think about me – and to also – accept myself – and stop looking for others to accept, validate, and recognize myself – thus giving what I desire to myself and not anymore searching for it out there.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as being a intelligent, and intellectual human being, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take pride in, and feel superior to others – due to me feeling that I am more intellectual than others – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this definition, and idea of myself to survive in this world – to survive in social interactions – and to assert myself in fear that if I stand as myself – and simply breath – I will loose myself and not survive in this world
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize an idea of myself – as me being effective, and good in school – in order to create a definition of myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cling to this definition, and idea of myself – and to think that this definition is who I am – and that I must at any cost uphold this definition – because apparently – if I do not uphold this definition of myself – I will cease to exist – and I will not anymore be of any use in this world
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that self-definitions are limited – and that self-definitions are based in fear – the fear of being limitless and without any form of self-created jail – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become comfortable, and take a liking to my self-created jail – as the definition of myself – that I am good in school, that I am intelligent, and that I am intellectual – thinking that this idea, and definition of myself protects in my world – and makes me safe – instead of accepting, and allowing myself to see – realize, and understand – that this definition isn’t real – but merely some memories that I’ve put together within myself – and used to designed a Frankenstein – a dead beingness put together with dead memories – thinking that this is who I am – instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that I am here
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that without confirming this idea of myself as being good in school, effective, and intellectual – that I will not anymore be able to live, and exist in this world – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself so completely that I believe that I need a thought – and a memory to exist – not realizing that I have the proof here in every breath that I don’t require a thought – and that I don’t require a memory to live, and to express myself – but that what I require is ME to be HERE with me and not lost in my mind and all crap that comes up in my mind
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed with and as fear, and anxiety of loosing my idea of myself as being something special – which is really what it’s all about – that I want to be special, and that I use my education as a way to fuel this idea of myself, and definition of myself that I am special – and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted, and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand – that desiring to be special – and thinking that I am special – is a jail that I’ve designed for myself – a trap – and a complete stop – wherein I am not anymore allowing myself to expand, and to move myself out from a state of fear – and into my flesh – and into real physical – breath by breath living
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not dare to let go of my self-definition of myself as having a special purpose in this life – and of the definition of myself as being a winner – and as being something more than average – because I see that this very definition of me is limitation – and even though it feels good to think that I am special, and a winner – what hides behind everything is fear – is the fear of being looked at by others as useless, and worthless – and as less than – and thus the search for specialness – reveals to me that I’ve not yet accepted myself – and decided to love myself regardless of where I am in this world – or who I am in this world
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understanding that searching to be special – and searching to be a winner is in-fact self-hatred – and self-bullying – wherein I am implying that I am not good enough before I’ve managed to show to myself that I am a winner – and that I deserve my love – and that I deserve my acceptance of myself – and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to say – enough is enough – now I will stop this inner rat race and finally accept myself – and allow myself to loose – because the beauty of loosing is that I can then focus upon being with myself – and letting myself live – because that is the problem with trying to win – that in doing that I’m missing out on life and living
When and as I see that I am defining myself as being special, and as a winner – and I seek to uphold, and assert this idea of myself through getting good grades in school – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I don’t need to feel special, and that I don’t need to think that I am a winner – and I don’t need a definition of myself what-so-ever in order to be here – and love me – and accept me; as such I commit myself to let go of the hunt for specialness – and to let go of my definition of myself as being more than average – and instead allow myself to love myself – and accept myself – and enjoy living instead of searching for the win
When and as I see that I am going into a state of hastiness – as trying to “get there” because over “there” I’ll apparently be able to assert my definition of myself as being the best – and being special – I immediately stop myself – I take a breath – and I bring myself back here – and I commit myself to BE HERE – with myself – and live here – to stop trying to get there – as I see that there is the biggest lie, and illusion that have ever been promulgated in this world – as it implies that I can only be fulfilled and whole in the future – when the only point that is real and actual is HERE as this moment in this very breath
When and as I see that I am going into a state of survival – as using memories within me to substantiate an idea of myself that I am special, unique, and a winner – intellectual, and intelligent – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – memories are not alive – memories do not show me who I am – memories are in-fact lies of the past imposing themselves to be me – while the fact of the situation is that I am HERE – and that I am not a memory – but that I am a living being able to make decisions and move myself by common sense here – and as such not in need of a memory-character to tell me who I am; as such I commit myself to live without a character – and without memories – and without a definition of myself – and push myself to stand bare as breath – as a new born baby in every moment of breath HERE