Tag Archives: backchat

Day 404: Learning From Mistakes

Today I had a situation at home where I reacted in irritation/frustration because I felt sidestepped and disregarded – while at the same time slightly jealous because I experienced it as if someone else for a moment stole my moment in the limelight. While still in a reaction, I shared this with the other person, which then caused a reaction in the other as well. Afterwards I justified my reaction, and how I had spoken it out loud by saying that it was a ‘common sense’ point and that it ‘needed’ to be said. However – I can now see that my point was not really that important – and even if it had been important – I could have shared my perspective in a more calm and supportive way.

The reaction in itself had built for a couple of moments, starting from backchat, where the main point was that of thinking about how the actions of another caused ‘inefficiencies’ in my life – and from there triggering irritation – leading up to saying within myself that ‘I must bring this point up with the other person’. And then when I finally spoke about the point, it did not at all come out as coherent, understandable or common sense – because what took precedence was my reaction – I felt irritated and side-stepped. And that is something I find to be a tell-sign of when I am in a reaction – the point I am making is not grounded in the physical – and hence everything I try to tell and share will be equally unclear and muffled.

After the situation I started to experience guilt and shame because of how I had expressed myself. I did not like to look at myself in the mirror, and recognize what I had done – I initially wanted to believe/think that I had some form of valid reason behind my action. However, this is not the case, there was no valid reason behind it. The reason was that I had made up and used as a justification to allow me to live out and express the reaction.

So – what can I learn from this?

Firstly – and this cannot be said too many times – do not follow my own inner chatter – do not believe my own inner chatter – do not make decisions according to my own inner chatter – instead – BREATHE – because it is in BREATHING that there is stability and common sense. Inner backchat does not have any standing when it comes to giving me clear and grounded perspectives and suggestions as to how I should move and deal with my reality.

Secondly – to not take side-stepping personally – to not react personally when I feel that someone is taking my spot, doing my thing, taking charge of my position – it does not define who I am – and I do not require to protect myself. Neither do I need to fight to retain and keep my standing – because what am I really trying to protect? What am I really trying to defend? Is it not all an illusion in-fact? Best thus to remind myself that what goes on out there – it does not define my inner reality unless I accept and allow it. Hence there is no need to push to keep my reality set in a specific way in the belief that I will lose value and worth if it changes. In this reality, things go up and down, sometimes I am praised, other times I replaced, and in other instances I will be erased – however – it DOES NOT define who I am – that is the point to remember.

And then when it comes to actually supporting others in my environment and myself – to share common sense in stability and not make it personally because that shifts me into emotion instead of sticking with practical physical movement and change in the moment.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when I am not gaining confidence, when I am not placed in a position of leadership and importance, with regards to points that I feel I am the best equipped to handle – and hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my ability and opportunity to learn, to acquire new skills, to grow and move as a person in my life and with regards to what I do through failure

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become emotional and feel the need to protect myself and my position, my stature and standing, believing that I can be toppled unless I fiercely and defiantly make sure to push away anyone coming close to taking me down – in this not seeing, realizing and understanding that I am paranoid, and that I am fighting against my own fears – and that there in-fact no reason for me to exist within this constant mode of fighting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to no care for the people in my life one and equal – to not consider them one and equal – and hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the presence of people in my life for granted – to see and treat them as props in ‘my life’ – not seeing, realizing and understanding how much I am able to learn from people in my life – and what relationships that I am able to developed if I push myself to be something more within myself – something more in the sense of actually being real, genuine and self-honest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being open and vulnerable – to fear investing myself in life and fully taking part in living life – fully taking part in getting to know people and letting them inside of myself in the sense of letting myself be receptive and open to new expressions, new insights, new information, new ways of doing things – and hence push myself to continuously expand and move

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not really listen to or take people seriously – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not really be HERE – to not really be in reality – but continuously be somewhere else in my mind – where I believe there is more to be found – however not seeing, realizing and understanding, that in spending time in my mind – I am separating myself from reality, from what is here, from the physical, and hence not allowing myself to get to know and be close to – and interact with and learn from PHYSICAL reality as it is HERE

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself going into a reaction fear towards other human beings, where I then want to enter a ‘isolation mode’ and push others away in order to feel more secure and safe within myself – I take a breath and bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I cannot transcend and walk through this fear by running away from it – and fact is that the only way I will get better at people and social relationships – and learn how to make myself within them REAL and learn how to live empathy, and how to appreciate and truly care for others, is by placing myself in situations with people – and thus I commit myself to enter into the dragon – to walk into the midst and learn to stand through exposing myself to that which I find is difficult and that is outside of my zone of comfort until I am comfortable and able to direct the point


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Day 129: What Happens When I Exercise?

Today I did some exercising, and in doing that I applied the techniques, and methods shared in this (https://eqafe.com/p/exercising-your-quantum-mind-with-clarity-quantum-mind-self-awareness) Eqafe Interview. What is suggested is to when exercising, to be aware of where it is the mind moves, what thoughts comes up, what backchats, what images and fantasies, because these are specific points that the mind will attempt to strengthen.

When I did my exercising I noticed that my thoughts were primarily going towards two points, and the one of these was work, career, and money – and the other was sex. More specifically, the work and career point circled around education, and I could see how I was planning for the future in my mind, trying to calculate what would be the best option, and route for me to go. In regards to the sex point, it was more specifically around the point of ‘trying to find satisfaction’ – wherein my backchat was going to various problems I experience in relation to sex, and sexuality, and in that blaming other persons, eventualities, and life in general, for my experience of myself within and as sex.

Thus, the subsequent text is dedicated to self-forgiveness and self-commitment statements on the first of these mentioned points.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to plan and calculate in my mind what education I should take, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that these ‘planning thoughts’ are not self-directed, and that the origin of these thoughts are in-fact fear – as fear of the future – fear of the unknown – fear of survival – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not trust myself that regardless of the choice of education I make – that I will deal with the situation that arise and find a solution

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place trust in my education, instead placing trust in myself, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place trust in money, and to place trust in the system, instead of placing trust in myself – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire the system, money, and education to live my life for me – and hope that all will be well as long as I walk these points somewhat satisfactorily

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that education, money, and the system are but tools that I am able to utilize in creating myself and my life – yet the primary responsibility always lies with me – and as such I see, realize and understand that trust must be placed within me – because I will be the point that stands and face and walk through my life – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I place trust outside of myself, I am creating, and generating anxiety, and fear, because I will attempt and try to control that point outside me, all the while knowing, that this particular point can’t be controlled, and can’t be mastered

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fantasize, dream and imagine about having the perfect career, and the perfect education, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to into this dream, and symbol of the perfect life, project an experience of calm, serenity, and security, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in order for me to live these words as calm, serenity, and security, I must have an education, I must have a job, I must have an income, I must have this shining, bright, and promising future – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I’ve within this separated myself from the words of calm, serenity, and security

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strive to live stability, and to strive to feel calm, serene, and secure in my life through attempting and trying to attain the perfect career – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I am limiting myself through believing that in order for me to live a life of serenity, calm and security, I must have a career, I must be hired by someone and have a job, have a family, and have a house, with a dog – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the decision to make each moment an expression of myself wherein I decide to relax my body, to let go of that fear, and anxious and allow myself to FEEL and BE here with this moment, and as such live serenity, security, and calm – as me being serene here – fully present in this moment – as me being securely stabilized within and as my physical awareness and presence here, as me being calm and physically relaxed, not accepting and allowing any form of mind participation in myself – but that I am instead fully here – fully with the present moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how a career, and how money, and how property can’t give me what I desire, because the fact is that attempting and trying to reach these points in life is only an attempt to suppress the inherent point of fear of survival that exists within all human beings, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not deal with, and correct the origin point which makes me go into these dreams and fantasies, which is fear of survival, fear of the unpredictable, fear of a sudden death, fear of a unpredictable death, fear of not being able to foresee my coming life and plan it to fit my desires

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize and understand that fear of survival is what makes me not live in the first place, thus living my life within and as fear of survival is equal and one to not living at all, thus it’s really quite ironic to fear for one’s survival while one don’t even live in the first place – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make the focus, and importance of my life to actually learn to live – to actually learn to appreciate and be grateful for this physical world and the moment to moment living that it exists within and as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the perfect career will not save me from my own fear, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear for my survival, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear for my future, and to fear for my continued existence in this world, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my life to be all about fear, and believing that I require to protect myself from this fear, and build my life as a wall trying to remove, and separate myself from this fear – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the simplicity of forgiving the fear, of letting go of the fear, of simply not accepting and allowing myself to be controlled by and as fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that fear is a human creation, that fear is not natural, it’s not something that should exist within me, it’s rather something that I’ve accepted, and something that I’ve allowed to grow within me, to the point of complete possession, and complete control – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remove these plants of fear within me, realizing that there is nothing in this world that can save me from fear, there is no career, no house, no salary, no future, no partner, no love, no child, no family that can save me from myself and my own self-created hell – as fear – and as such I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to understand that when fear comes up within me – the solution is to STOP participating – to FORGIVE and let go – and not to try to protect myself from it through in my mind building the apparent ‘perfect’ protected life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I look at the future, and I look at various possibilities, as what I might do, or not do, to go into fear, and to fear that I will select and walk the wrong possibility, the possibility that will not lead me to a protected, safe, and guarded life, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how there is no protected, secure, and guarded life, how there is in reality only the physical here – and this world and it’s nature is completely unpredictable – and as such I am in effect not able to protect myself – and as such the solution is not to build a secure future for myself – but to release myself from this possession of fear that I’ve accepted and allowed within me – and to instead push and will myself to embrace the future – and walk into the unknown – trusting myself that I will be able to deal with the situations that arise

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am going into fear of the future, and I begin to project, dream and fantasize about the perfect life, the perfect future, the secure, stable, and easy future that will make me feel so grounded, serene, and calm – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I realize that there is no future that can save me from myself – and there is not future that is a solution to fear – because fear is self-generated – self-created – self-willed – and as such I commit myself to BREATHE and to live HERE within and as the physical – and be physically calm and relaxed with my body – stable in my breathing – and as such practically live the words serenity, calm, and security – here within and as my human physical body as myself – and as such let go of the projection of these words apparently being out there in some form of career

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