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Day 295: Preparation and Planning – then – Execution

Today at work, I had a moment of epiphany. Now, for some context, in my line of work; precision, detail, thoroughness, and specificity are very important. An entire body of work can in practice be ruined if some small details are missed. That is why, in order to do the work effectively, one requires the abilities and skills of patience, structure, and precision. Without those it is hard to produce quality work.

So, back to the situation at my work. I had been given a task, and I was eager to get it done. And more specifically, I was in a slight rush. In my mind was circulating things like; “better get this thing done now, as I will not have any time tomorrow” – and “I must move and be productive” – so there was a movement within me of wanting to get to the state of execution – and be over and done with this project.

Now, I did execute the task, finished it, and it unfortunately turned out there were some mistakes in my work, which were pointed out to me as it was sent back to me for editing. So, in that moment I looked within me and asked myself how it is that I am creating these moments for myself, where I miss points and err because I have not paid attention, not seemingly been able to identify the mistakes at all. This brought me to the realization that I have a tendency to want to force execution – or force the ACTION stage in the process of creation.

I could see, that in my line of work, and in many other areas of life as well, the act of creation is a two-step process. First step is the planning and preparation phase. This is the phase where the point to be created is researched, the information is gathered, and the execution is planned. Basically the following questions are asked; what is going to be created, how is it going to be created, why is it going to be created, and when is it going to be created? These questions are important to answer, because when entering the phase of execution, if there is no plan, no clear direction on where I am going, it is easy for me to loose my overview, and get lost in the experience of creating.

I could see that what happens to me, and that results in these errs that I tend to make, is that I many times skip, or rush through the phase of planning and preparation, and enter prematurely into the execution phase. And then I will move around in the execution phase, in a state of forcing myself forward, trying to reach a result, leaving a sloppy trail of small errors in my wake – which will then come back to bite me in my ass later, because I have not taken the time to prepare, to execute, and then, also to cross-reference my creation. All in all, the process of creation has been rushed, which creates the consequence of a imperfect result.

I could see from my life that when I had planned and prepared effectively before proceeding into the execution state, most of the time my creations had been satisfying. For example, my most recently bought car, I am very satisfied with this purchase. This is no coincidence, because before the purchase, I put in a lot of time into researching what car would be best for me, that would fit my needs. I took myself the time to ask the questions, what is it that I want? What is it that I require? What is important and what is not? And this resulted in me buying a car that effectively satisfies my needs and requirements.

Then I have examples from when I did not plan or prepare effectively. I recently bought a couple of expensive shoes, with a leather sole. I bought them because I did require shoes to fit with one of my suits, though, I had not investigated the brand of shoes I bought, or the characteristics of leather sole shoes. And I had not really shopped around to see if there was something better out there. After I bought the shoes, which happened impulsively, I realized that these type of shoes are very sensitive to the Scandinavian climate, and can barely be utilized as outdoor shoes. And that is not very good in my situation, because what I require are shoes that can be used both outdoors, and indoors. Hence, I bought a couple of shoes that does not fully suit my needs, and the consequence of this is that I will have to purchase another couple of shoes that do fit my requirements.

Hence, planning and preparation are very important aspects in the process of creation. Without planning and preparation, there is a much greater likelihood that the phase of action will be filled with errors, mistakes and unwanted outflows. What I will practice is thus to walk through the two steps of creation with patience, specificity, and calm – not rush the process of creation – instead walking in the tempo of breath – one breath at a time. And when I am satisfied with my preparation, then I move into action, and fulfill the process of creation.

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Day 275: Paranoia – The Fear of Forgetting Things

forgetting-thingsParanoia when it comes to forgetting and missing things, that is a point that has been recurring for me recently. In my line of work, it is all about the details, and here I am not exaggerating – it is ALL about the details. Hence it is different from ‘normal’ life in the sense that, when in your normal day-to-day living, you do not necessarily have to be very focused, specific or thorough. You can get by in a state of half-awareness; do things sloppily, and half-assed – your life will still work out quite okay.

However, in my line of work, you cannot do that. This has thus been a big change for me. The way I have handled this is through paranoia, were I have basically utilized fear/anxiety to drive me to constantly check if I have forgotten something. This is not effective for several reasons, though primarily; it is not effective because I go into a emotional state, thus investing energy in being emotional, forgetting my physical living/application HERE. And also, existing in a state of paranoia makes me mentally unstable, were I am not effective/specific when it comes to directing my life, and making decisions – because what takes precedence is the experience – not my actual physical movement and participation HERE.

I have looked at solutions and found that to support myself to become more thorough, detailed and specific, and not miss details that must be remembered, I am able to: 1) Establish systems and routines for certain points in my work 2) Use stickers, notes and a calendar to keep track of times and what must be done at what time 3) Be FULLY HERE, AWARE and FOCUSED when I apply myself in my job, so that I am certain that I actually walked all the points required.

Another aspect of this paranoia is that it only comes up in relation to work/career. Fact is that I am not particularly good at remembering things, being specific, thorough and detailed outside of the office, however, because there is no money at stake in my leisure time, I do not care as much. Thus, this shows me that the real, underlying core fear is that of survival and money. I fear losing money, I fear not being able to survive, and that is the driving force. This is also interesting, that I require having money, and a fear of survival to drive me to develop skills such as thoroughness, being specific and detailed.

Another aspect of having fear of survival and money as my current motivation is that I do not approach my work in a supportive manner – because if would be no fear, what come through is a curiosity, and a desire to expand and learn – a desire to become more effective at what I am doing. Then there is no fear involved, instead it is a genuine interest to empower myself and become the best that I can be that drives me forward – and that is obviously a far more potent and healthy source of motivation than fear and stress. When I motivate myself because I want to improve, then there is no fear or anxiety that preoccupies me, instead I am clear, physical, stable – moving myself in every breath to become the best that I can be.

Hence, it is clear, that this paranoia, and fear is something that I can replace with a genuine drive and care to improve and expand myself – both in my work and home environment.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not change my starting point in relation to work, so that instead of being fear driven, I drive myself forward from within and as the desire to improve myself, to become better and more effective, to enhance myself, and to empower myself in learning more skills and abilities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not establish systems and routines to make sure that I do not forget anything when it comes to preparing myself and working through my responsibilities and commitments in relation to work and home life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand – that paranoia is a outflow consequence of me not being present – directive and aware – and certain in what I am doing – and that there as such is room for me to improve – so that I become thorough and specific in all and everything that I take on and walk

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that all reactions of the mind have their gifts – that there is something that I can learn and take with me to expand and empower myself – and with paranoia and this process in my work – it is that I can learn to be more specific, thorough and focused – and create these skills within me – and learn how to be prepared and certain on who I am in relation to the points in my life that I have taken responsibility for

Self-commitment statements

When and as I notice myself wanting to go into a state of fear/paranoia, that I have forgotten or missed something, I take a breath, I stop, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that these experiences cannot help me in my line of work, that I will not empower myself through giving into these experiences, and that instead, I can only empower and truly create myself through physically living, and building myself as words – and thus I commit myself to live specificity within me – through double checking the informationseeing whether I have forgotten anything – and then let it go if I reach the conclusion that no I haven’t forgotten anything

I commit myself to practice using routines and systems to make sure that I do not jump a step in my work – and that I walk all the necessary steps required in relation to my work responsibilities

I commit myself to practice being thorough and slowing myself down when working with my responsibilities – to make sure that I do not miss a step

I commit myself to have my starting point and motivation be that of me wanting to expand and improve myself and become the best that I can be in relation to my work – and thus I commit myself to stop fear and instead use my desire to improve and grow as the WHY of my movement forward

Day 213: The s(M)mothering-construct

Lately I’ve been seeing the effects of a particular behavior and way of being that I’ve created throughout the years – and this is the s(M)othering-construct – where I literally smother myself and/or others through a very strict idea of what is right, and what is wrong – what is good and what is bad – what is correct and what is incorrect.

The main problem I’ve seen is the way that I approach my own as well as others mistakes, because when a mistake, or mishap happen, I tend to judge, blame, and the enforce a correction – implement the ‘right’ way of doing things. For example, let’s say I’ve been eating something that doesn’t go with my body very well, and I get a stomach ache because of it – then my automated way of dealing with this is to be hard on myself, and demand that I do what is ‘right’ – and thus not anymore eat that kind of food.

What happens when I approach mistakes, mishaps and weaknesses in this way is that I never go in any depth, I don’t actually discover what’s behind the point, and what has created it – instead the point is just plain wrong and it must be turned around to be right. Though, this also poses difficulties, because often then I don’t know really what is wrong, and what is supposedly right, and then my corrective application will be sporadic, and not grounded and clear in purpose.

Thus – there are obvious benefits with LEARNING to understand – to observe without judgments, without rights and wrongs, with correct and incorrect – because then I’m able to see what’s behind it all. For example, with criminals, many judge those as being absolutely wrong, distasteful and reprehensible individuals – yet there is a clear WHY behind such criminals – and that is most often a lack of money. That same principle of seeing the WHY that exists behind the HOW in myself and others on a more personal level – thus the best effects will come through when allowing myself to UNDERSTAND and GET TO KNOW others – instead of indiscriminately judging them for not fitting my ideals, and ideas of what is right and wrong.

Obviously the same goes for me – I also must accept and allow myself to when a reaction or a thought come up within me, or when I do a mistake or see a weakness I’ve created – instead of pushing it aside – apparently ‘changing’ it and thinking that I’m then ‘done’ – to accept and allow myself to ask WHY? Where are you coming from reaction, and what are you doing here? Thus accepting and allowing myself to understand my creation – in that empowering me to stand up and make definitive changes that will assist and support me as well as others in my life.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and another for a reaction that comes up, a personality that activates, or a action that is taken that isn’t what is best for all – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this as a way of motivating myself to change – where I will judge myself and what I do as being wrong, or bad – and then in that enforce a change and a direction into what is right – not seeing, realizing and understanding that I am in that disallowing myself from actually understanding and comprehending the point – and seeing from where this point is coming – and also why it is that I am creating what I am creating

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that understanding a point is a necessary prerequisite for being able to effectively change a point – and that without understanding – what is going to take place will be more of a suppression – where the apparently ‘wrong’ point will be pushed down and pushed away – and another ‘right’ behavior take it’s place – though the actual starting point will not be understood and changed – and thus the essence of who I will still remain the same – a slave to energy and experiences

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for reacting, for going into a personality, and for having certain patterns that are very persistent, and that I experience as being difficult to change – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to through judging myself – actually hinder and stop myself from being able to see the mechanics behind a point – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be more gentle and inquisitive with regards to discovering and uncovering the truth and the real nature of myself – seeing, realizing and understanding that I will only ever get to the bottom if I accept and allow myself to unconditionally see, and walk through what is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to apply a technique, where I will, when seeing that I compromise myself in terms of accepting and allowing myself to become emotional, go into a reaction, or a personality, to apply the bulldozer method, where I will just say to myself that ‘I am going to change that point!’ – though in that not being absolutely clear on what I am changing within myself – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the time, and patience to walk a process of preparation with self-forgiveness, and if I have the time, also writing about the point – realizing that in doing this I’m actively investigating the WHY of a point – and getting to an understanding of HOW it functions – and thus more specifically what I require to change and direct in order to move myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach others, and their difficulties, and weaknesses, with judgment, where I want them to change, and change immediately, using the bulldozer technique, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this is not how I effectively effectuate change in my world – because in using the bulldozer technique I will more force others to be the way that I want them to be, and there won’t be an understanding, and realization in the other as to why they move as they do, as to why a particular starting point, direction or application is not effective

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make the priority of my application when assisting and supporting others – to empower them to become self-realized – and realize that this is the important point to convey – that the change in physical application is important – yet what is even more important is that the starting point of that change is clear and comes from within and as a point of self-realization – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move and support others from within and as judgment – instead of accepting and allowing myself to be unconditional

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, to not as I am about to assist and support another with a point, or as I am considering to do this, to take a breath, to slow down, and to look within me, so that there is no reaction, or movement inside – but that I am clear – here – specific – and ready to unconditionally give to another – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when and as I accept and allow just a slight movement within me – such as a judgment – the support will be compromised and it will not be aligned with the individualsthat is in-front of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that assistance and support can only ever be effective when there is no judgment – where there is no right and wrong – when there is no holding unto the past taking place – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practice this point of when I am speaking with another – and want to show them a point – to make sure that I am clear – that I’m not driven to go there by thoughts or emotions – but that the point is unconditional – that it holds no stigma or bias – but that I am merely unconditionally giving to another a tool of empowerment so that they can stand up and make their lives more effective and potent

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I’m going into a judgment, and I want to move myself to assist and support either myself or another to change, and alter, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this movement is fueled by a judgment – which is actually a fear coming from a moral reasoning that reacting, being in a state of personality, or mind is bad – and must be immediately suppressed and fought – and thus I commit myself to instead in that moment relax – to slow down – and allow myself to investigate, be inquisitive about, and understand this particular system that I am facing – and thus take on the point of self-correction when I know what I am facing and what the solution to the point in-fact is

When and as I see that I’ve got a movement within me, of wanting to correct, and make others do the right thing, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this point of wanting others to do the right thing is in-fact a fear possession – where I don’t accept and allow myself to see that when just forcing others to do what I see is right – they won’t actually learn anything, they won’t in-fact and by their own volition motivate and move themselves – they won’t create a relationship with themselves but merely be a follower – and thus I commit myself to support others to stand independently – and do that through without judgments of right and wrong – and assist and support others to realize and move beyond their limitations – and thus not make it about morality – rather have the starting point of giving to another what I’d like to receive

Day 176: Annoyed With Whiners

A point that I’ve realized brings up a reaction of annoyance within me is people that find problems, and issues with things.

What I’ve seen is that, when someone brings up a problem, or issue, something that they feel is weighing down their life, I think that: “That isn’t such a big deal! Come on, it’s nothing, just get over it!” – What I am doing is that, inside my mind, I blame, and judge this other individual for being what I perceive to be, all to weak, and fragile; I see them as a whiner, and as such, as someone that brings negativity into my world, and focuses on what doesn’t work, instead of how to make things work.

So, the question I’d like to ask myself is, where does this reaction come from?

I see that it holds two dimensions, on the one hand, I find that I’ve myself gone to the other extreme, where I mostly accept the conditions of my environment, and live with it even though it’s not optimal – and so I cope with what I find to be dislikable, instead of finding a solution, and a way to arrange my reality, so that it’s not as uncomfortable – this is as such my coping-character, my “soldier”-character – a way of living wherein I perceive it as a trait of strength and power to be able to handle and live with bad conditions. Obviously though, such a trait, although useful in some situations, will lead to self-compromise in others, wherein I accept my world, and reality to be in a lesser state of condition, than what it has to be potential for – and that is obviously not cool.

The other dimension I see in relation to this point, is that I myself tend to focus on the problem, instead of actively focusing on solutions – thus – I myself tend to whine about things that doesn’t work, which is something that I live out in the form of blame – placing the responsibility unto someone else instead of taking responsibility for it myself – thus this is something I must re-direct, to as such make sure that I myself take responsibility for the problems that enter my world, and make sure that I find solutions, instead of ending up in blame, and then not finding, or directing the point to a solution whatsoever. I mean, it’s obvious that I require to find a solution for the points in my world, and blame will not do that for me, blame will only put me in a position of being angry at everyone else for things not working as I’d like them to, which doesn’t change, or help, or assist with anything at all.

These are the two points I will look deeper into with self-forgiveness today:

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become annoyed with another when and as this person is sighing, and within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see, and define sighing as a weakness that is somehow coming into and affecting my world, and my state of being, and that it’s as such something that people should keep to themselves

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to sighing in becoming annoyed, and irritated, and start thinking about how I perceive this other person to be very weak, as well as whining, and complaining on their environment, and the conditions of their life, instead of directing the points, and actively doing something about it, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see it as wrong, and as something bad to complain, and to become affected by the conditions of one’s environment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as something isn’t very effective, or good in my environment, and something clearly isn’t working, to simply endure the discomfort, and try to live with it as best as I can, instead of actively doing something about the point, to change my environment to become more friendly, and workable, and better for me – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress reactions, and instances within myself, where I see that my environment isn’t optimally supporting me, through thinking that I am able to endure the point – instead of in that moment looking for a solution in how I am able to change my environment and world to become more supportive for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and become annoyed and irritated with another when sighing, thinking that they are being lazy, and rather complaining about their lives, and the problem it contains, instead of doing something about them to change them, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this reaction is showing me that I am doing the same to myself, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when things aren’t working, to instead of taking responsibility for them, and directing them to a solution, blame my world, and environment for not being in a way that I feel is supportive for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect, and want my environment to change according to my moods, and within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to as a child, develop the misconception that, I am able to manipulate, and control, and direct my world by the means of my emotions, and that when I am sour, or angry, this will push my world to change – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that the system doesn’t work within these parameters, that for the system emotions are irrelevant and don’t mean anything, and as such, if I do want a change in my life, it’s not enough that I become emotion about it, I actually have to will, and live the change, and physically move myself to establish a change in my world, and physically develop solutions for myself in my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my world when things are tough, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my world is somehow personally attacking me, and making my life difficult, as some form of vendetta, or personal judgment, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the system is in-fact utterly impersonal, that the system doesn’t really care whatsoever, and that the only one making it personal, and making it emotional, that is me: And as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop myself from making points that are difficult and hard emotional – and instead walk through them as what they are – physical points that requires a physical direction – that I must deal with and take by the horns – and that I can’t accept and allow to take control of and power of my life – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make the decision in me to move myself out of my mind and into the physical through not anymore taking my life personally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am entitled to feel emotional when and as things get tough in my world, and that I am somehow right to feel hurt, and to feel angry, and blame, and whine about my world, and how it’s currently functioning, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I am as a matter of fact not punishing, or making life difficult for anyone else but myself, I am the only one that is creating suffering, and havoc for myself through not accepting and allowing myself to remain stable, and without emotions in my daily life, and living, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop this constant attempt to take revenge on the system through blame, and instead take responsibility, and realize that responsibility is the only way out, it’s the only solution – it’s the only way to end the circle of blame and in-fact move towards a solution that will work for everyone involved

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify me becoming annoyed and vexed when and as someone is sighing, or complaining on their environment, through thinking that this is something that I would never do, and that becoming frustrated at them will teach them a lesson to not do this in the future, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is that I am limiting, and making myself inferior, through accepting and allowing myself to react to this pattern of complaining, and sighing, not realizing that it’s merely a pattern, it’s not something personal, it’s not something devious, and bad that I must protect myself from through reacting towards the point, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not instead ask the other person, what they are going through, what they experience, to instead of blaming, and becoming annoyed, understand and get to know what is happening, and why it’s happening

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it’s not solution to become annoyed, and irritated at whining, complaining and sighing, because within this I don’t accept and allow myself to see where I am living out this same pattern, as well as how I can support and assist another to move through their experience of themselves, because when I get angry and annoyed the point feels as if it is a personal attack towards me, and as such something that I must protect and defend myself from, something that I must make sure doesn’t come to close to me, and my life, because apparently, if it does, it will wreak havoc on my inner life, and world, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it’s merely energy, it’s merely a reaction, and nothing that I have to make anything more than that

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am becoming annoyed, and irritated with another because they are complaining, or sighing, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that complaining, whining and sighing is not bad things, and it’s not things that will have a negative effect on me unless I immediately push them away, it’s instead simply patterns of living and reacting towards one’s environment, and as such I commit myself to stop the reactions, and instead, when there is an opportunity, get to know the reactions, ask the person what they are going through, look at what possible solutions there are, and how I am able to assist and support another to move through the reaction and instead look at the situation in the search of solutions

When and as I see that my environment isn’t supportive for me, and that it can become much better, but I disregard this fact, and instead attempt and try to endure my environment, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that it’s not effective solution to try to endure what is here, and that I should obviously rather look for solutions and ways in which I am able to change and direct my environment to become more supportive for me, and to become more aligned with my life, and living so that I am able to create a world, and a life for myself that is more effective, and supportive, and enjoyable; and thus I commit myself to instead act and look for solutions and ways to make my life easier and better – instead of enduring with what isn’t effective and what isn’t working

Day 67: Stop Complaining!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge another for what I perceive to be complaining, and being negative about something – and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that this same point exists within me, and that I experience it as something wrong to be dissatisfied with a point, and that I don’t accept and allow myself to express such points because I feel that it’s not allowed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn, and take on the point in my life, of believing that it’s better to always be positive, and look at my future, and this world with positive eyes, and seeing the good in everything, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self-honest with myself and see direct here, thinking, and believing that it’s bad to state, and define something in my world as not being acceptable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as doing something wrong when and as I am dissatisfied with a particular point, and I share this, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive, and believe that it’s better to deal with this world through being positive, and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that there are some obvious consequences for always being positive, and one of these consequences is that I don’t accept and allow myself to see reality, and to see what is actually here, but I only see that which I define, and term as being positive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself through becoming a worshipper of and as positivity, thinking, and believing that positivity is the solution, and that positivity is what will make this world function again, and that it’s through devoting my life, and my world to feeling positive about points, and to never complain, and never be dissatisfied, that I will make a effective contribution in this world; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath and bring myself back here to the physical, and to align myself with and as the realization that I am limiting myself when I don’t allow myself to see and recognize points of negativity in myself, and in my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strive towards having everything in my reality just be “positive and cool” – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not dare to face the negativity, to not dare to face the points in my world and reality that are not effective, that are not cool, and that I am not satisfied with; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that it’s through facing the negative, and that which I don’t want to see, and recognize, and learning to direct, and change these points – that I will in-fact become effective in my process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge negativity as being something bad, and something wrong, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the whole picture, to not see the complete picture, but to only see that which I feel and define as being positive; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath, and bring myself back here to the physical – and to understand that when I allow myself to see the complete, and the whole picture of what is here; I mean then I’ll be able to make much more effective decisions, I’ll be able to direct myself, and discern my reality much more effectively, because I will see everything, and not just the aspects of and as reality that I’ve defined to be positive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question that which I experience as being positive, and that which I experience as being negative, and within this understand that I’ve not in self-awareness decided specifically what is to be negative, and what is to be positive, but that this is simply something that I’ve inherited, and that I’ve copied from my parents

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I am not able to trust that which comes up within me as positive, and negative experiences, because I mean: I’ve not specifically directed, and moved these points within me, they just come up automatically and without any specific direction, without any specific intention; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to become more specific and more detailed, and more focused in my application, so as to not accept and allow myself to move myself by and through such illusions as positive, and negative experiences

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that positive, and negative experiences is a ineffective, and deceptive way of seeing, interpreting, and existing towards reality, and that a more effective way of seeing, and walking with reality is to simply see things as they exist here, and within this not hold unto any form of judgment; not look at the point as positive, or negative, but simply look at the point here within and as oneness and equality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand, that interpreting reality in positive, and negative, is really a form of superiority, wherein I take a stand within me of being more than reality, and that I decide within me what reality is according to how I feel, instead of accepting and allowing myself to get to know reality, to get to know living, to get to know life, and the physical world, through observing, and living in this physical world here breath by breath – wherein I don’t try to make the physical world be what I want it to be but I instead observe, learn, and get to know the actuality of the physical reality here

When and as I see that I am trying to make physical reality something more than what it is, through going into positivity, or negativity, looking at this world from a starting point of energy, instead of seeing direct here; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this is me limiting myself, and holding myself back, and not allowing myself to see the complete, and whole picture, as what is actually here; as such I commit myself to push myself beyond energy and too observe, and look at what is here from a starting point of pure physical expression – pure physical awareness here – nothing more, and nothing less

When and as I see that I am judging negativity, judging the point of being dissatisfied with something, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that, I mean, there is nothing bad, or wrong with being dissatisfied with a point, and that denying what is in-fact negative in this world, is denying myself from reality, and making me live in a illusory positive fantasy reality instead; as such I commit myself to live here and to see all colors and facets of life, and reality as they are – and not try to make reality what I desire, and feel that it should be

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Day 18: Test-anxiety – Fear of Feeling Useless (Part 8)

One reason that I fear receiving a bad grade – is because I fear how I will feel when I do receive the grade – I fear what thoughts will go through my mind, what images, and pictures might emerge.

am-i-worthless-message-question-text-words-Favim.com-339524The reason for this is because I’ve in the past – when I’ve gotten a bad grade gone into a experience of feeling useless, and bad – and I’ve felt that I was a failure – and within that experience the rest of my world seemed to be not relevant at all – and everything that was relevant was my experience of feeling bad that I didn’t receive the best grade. This is how it’s been for all my years in school – the grade – the comment from the teacher – the final judgment – that have always made such a big impact on me – both positively, and negatively – both with feeling super-good, and also feeling super-low.

Why is this? I mean – where does this point originate? What I am able to see is that it has to do with self-worth, self-integrity, self-respect, and self-love – basically who I am towards myself, and how much worth I consider myself having only by myself. I am able to see that through my life I’ve tried to add worth to myself through taking on various points – I’ve tried to add worth to me through playing sports, through learning to play guitar, through learning a new language – and also getting a good grade in school have also been another way to add worth to me – and the reason for this is because deep down I’ve felt that there is no worth to me – and that I need something to put unto me – like a Christmas tree receiving it’s dressing – for me to be able to be whole, fulfilled – and worth something.

This is obviously completely fucked up – because common sense is that I should be fine with me regardless of where I am in this world, of what I own, of what skills I have, or what education I have – that is real self-worth – and self-love – when the external does not determine who I am – but instead I determine who I am – because that is completely unconditional and not dependent upon slaves to be realized.

Self-forgiveness

1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider, and define myself as having no inherent worth – and as being in essence worthless – and within this think that I must cloth myself with various experiences, and symbols in this world to gain worth – and to “become something” – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept myself – to not love myself – and to not worth myself – to not see, realize and understand that I do not need something more than me to be worthy of living – worthy of loving myself

2. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself dependent upon external points in order to give me an experience of feeling worthy – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize education as my slave – to give to me worth – within me believing that I am not able to give worth, and love to myself – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept myself here as completely whole – and fulfilled – to see, realize, and understand that I am not able to create real worth through external points – but that real worth must be something that I live and create from nothing as myself – otherwise it’s a point of separation that I am using to not take self-responsibility for who I am

3. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for myself in create myself as self-love, and self-worth – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my environment – to blame school – to blame education – to blame friends – to blame my family – for me not experiencing worth as myself – instead of accepting and allowing myself to see, realize, and understand that it’s up to me to create me – and that this is because I am here – to create myself as self-worth, and self-love – and that this is what I am doing through making a decision within myself as to who I am going to be in a particular moment – and what I am going to live as – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath – bring myself back here – and live self-worth, and self-love – as myself – through not being influenced by my external world and reality

4. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and emulate an experience of self-love, and self-worth – through getting good grades in school – and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that a actual – and real expression of self-worth, and self-love is not a short burst of energy – it’s not a feeling as feeling good – it’s a actual – one and equal – physical movement – and physical stance of myself here – as who and what I will accept and allow myself to express myself as – and as who and what I will accept and allow myself to exist, and live as; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not BREATH – and being this process of self-creation – and walk this process of self-creation in every moment of breath – in every here – moment

5. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that worth, and love is to come to me – without me giving these points to myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to go the lazy-route of manifesting self-worth, and self-love – through defining it in relation to a external point – and then trying to get the attention, and positive affirmation from that external point – instead of me willing myself to stand, and create, and live myself as self-worth, and self-love – and as such stopping the separation – stopping the attempt to have another give to me what I am not giving to myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand the simple common sense in understanding how I function – in understanding that I can’t steal, or take self-worth from another – but I must create, and move, and direct the point as myself here within and as oneness and equality – else it’s not real

Self-commitments

1. When and as I see that I consider, and define myself as being inherently, and in essence worthless – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – NO – I am not inherently, or in essence worthless – I am here with the potential to create and birth myself as life from the physical – and I am here with the potential to decide what I am going to live in my life – and how I am going to life – as such I commit myself to take this gift of who I am – and utilize this gift as my potential to birth me as life from the physical – to see that this is real worth – and real value – and to bring this point to fruition – and fulfillment

2. When and as I see that am making myself dependent upon external points in order to give me an experience of feeling worth – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – I must create myself as worth, else worth is not real but only a mirror image in separation from myself – as a feeling – as a thought – and as such I commit myself to bring into creation real worth – and real value – and real living practically here – within and as physical self-movement – on a breath per breath basis here

3. I commit myself to take responsibility for myself – in creating myself as self-worth – and self-love – in practical self-movement – wherein self-love, and self-worth is not something that I try to generate through having others looking at me a specific way – or perceiving me in a particular way – but that it’s a point that I am living as myself – and walking as myself without being dependent upon another

4. When and as I see that I am trying to emulate a experience of self-love, and self-worth – through getting good grades in school – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that good grades won’t give me self-worth, and self-love – good grades have nothing to do with WHO I AM – because WHO I AM is my responsibility and not the responsibility of my grades – as such I commit myself to take full responsibility for myself – and to stop utilizing my external environment to sabotage myself – in saying it’s my external environment that should give to me – instead of me deciding to give me to me

5. I commit myself to give to myself that which I’d like my external environment to give to me – as such I commit myself to give to myself self-worth and self-love – applying these points as – pushing myself in process – and walking through – applying self-forgiveness on reactions, and thoughts as they come up – and not accepting and allowing myself to limit myself within and as the mind – as experience – as thought – as limitation

Day 1: Negativity

Problem

Have you ever asked yourself why everyone seems to be striving for positivity? I mean – this point of positivity is mentioned everywhere – and you just need to go outside to be swarmed with messages that promote positivity. For example – take a look at commercials – bright shining images portraying the SUN – or GIRLS having FUN – LAUGHING – or – this shampoo is SO GOOD it made my day COMPLETE – in commercials it’s really evident that intention of it is to have the receiver experience some form of positive experience – and then decide to go and buy the product to materialize this positive experience.

The answer to why positivity is such a big – big thing is because – the main experience of each human being – and the current state of the world – exists as NEGATIVITY – major negativity.

Look at your day – it begins in negatively because – you’ve to get out of your bed – and – ugh – go to work! Or – ugh – take care of your responsibilities! And then – you come home from work – and ugh – you’re bored – what should you do? You want to do something that is fun – but there is nothing fun to do – and there is nothing on television – and hey – the conclusion is that this day wasn’t very fun – and so – the human being (you/us/we) go look for positivity in the form of entertainment – as consumerism – because the main experience of the human being is negativity.

Looking at the state of the world it’s obvious that NEGATIVITY rules – there are 3 billion people going starving to bed each night – there is massive unemployment – there are rapists, murders, and pedophiles – there are gang wars – there are sicknesses, there are diseases, there are terrible injuries, there is corruption – deception – fraud – lies – there is inequality – there is unfairness – there is old age – there are orphans – there are MASSIVE amounts of people suffering on a daily basis – all of them experiencing the negativity that this world have become and exists as.

Solution

So – what is then the solution? Well – what first must be seen, realized, and understood is the positivity is not a solution – positivity is like a drug that is induced – and then it takes away the negativity for a while – consider for example looking at a movie – this makes you feel okay for an hour, or two  – but then – shit! – I am back into reality!

And also – another drug is buying new things – for example – buying clothes – this also makes some people feel happy and alive for a moment – but some days after their latest purchase – oh my god! This negativity is coming back!

What is this negativity then? And how to deal with it? Well – negativity is CONSEQUENCE – it’s our accepted and allowed living over an extended period of time – wherein we’ve taken no self-responsibility – and we’ve simply let things slide – and this has resulted into an experience of ourselves, and a state of this world – that is severely diminished and dysfunctional – in-fact it’s in such a condition that we attempt to use various techniques, and behaviors to escape having to see – and face what is here in this world as ourselves – as NEGATIVITY.

Thus – the solution is to FORGIVE OURSELVES – to let the negativity go – to release ourselves from the burden of the past – and the burden of our dysfunctional living – to design ourselves and this world a new – not accepting and allowing ourselves to reside in – and accept and allow negativity to become our very nature – as what we exist as – but wherein we instead decide who we are – what we are – what we are going to live for – how we are going to live – and specifically – meticulously – design ourselves as the best we can be – and this world alike.

Reward

The reward for changing ourselves – from negativity – to life – as oneness and equality – is that we’ll finally be able to be satisfied with ourselves – finally we can stop looking for the next positive high in order to get us feeling somewhat better – and we can instead focus upon that which matters – which is changing this world – and making sure that each human being has a cool life – and that no one ends up in a position wherein they have no ability – or opportunity to support themselves and their bodies.

The reward is a new world wherein we’ll never again have to search for positivity – because positivity will seem limited in comparison to what we create – what we live – and how we’re able decide who we are in each moment of breath – who needs positivity when we instead stand as creators? Were WE decide who we are – and we don’t need a experience of positivity to tell us that – “okay – now you can feel positive” – I mean – we will decide – because we stand equal and one here – as the living word – wherein we design ourselves and the world around us with the words we speak – and live.

Thus – join the process of stopping NEGATIVITY – and begin your journey to life – of birthing yourself from the physical – and standing up to live and be a full human being – that doesn’t need positivity to feel fulfilled.

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