Tag Archives: belief

Day 380: Enforcing A HELL-thy Lifestyle

The Problem

Today I faced a situation where I got to experience a less pleasurable side of myself. I am going to call this side of myself the ‘coach’-character – because what happened is that I started to coach and push my partner to do a certain thing that I perceived to be healthy. When my partner responded negatively, instead of asking why, or simply letting the point go, my attempts to get my partner unto the ‘right path’ intensified, because I perceived myself as knowing/seeing what would be the best and most healthy option for my partner. Obviously, in retrospect I am able to see that the entire moment was created because of how I have misaligned my relationship to coaching/pushing/supporting others, and to the word health – and in the following blog I am going to walk through these misalignment’s and establish solutions that I am able to live instead.

When Coaching Becomes Forcing

Coaching becomes forcing when I am trying to create/will an outcome without consideration, without being humble, without seeing the other person, where they are at, and what would be best for them. Hence, forcing comes through when I have my own personal agenda, when the support is not unconditional. Because when I have an agenda, a mission to complete, a goal to reach, then suddenly, in my mind it makes a lot more sense to force, because then I have something to lose if I do not.

However, the notion that I have something to lose if my support (what I perceive is best) does not come through the way I have imagined, that is a misaligned understanding of what it means to support. Because then it is not anymore support, then it is gratifying my own self-interest, and using the word support as an excuse to be able to continue. Obviously, support, to be what is best for all, must be done unconditionally, it must be done without a goal, desire, a personal investment in anyway what so ever, because a personal investment will cloud my clarity – and make it difficult for me to see what kind of support the person really needs.

In the case with my partner, I wanted her to do something that I perceived as healthy. My point of self-interest within this was that I wanted/desired to have a healthy and strong partner with an active lifestyle. Because I held unto my self-interest I did not hear or see my partner and where she was at, as she did not have the strength to pursue the particular activity at the moment. If I would have been clear in my starting point, this is where I could have dropped the entire point, however because I was personally vested, I pushed the point even further, and became forceful.

Solution: When I see that I can support another with a point, I make sure that I am clear and there is no personal investment, no desire, no fear, that is motivating me to achieve a particular result, because I know, that if this is the case, my support will be tainted and not unconditional. Hence – I commit myself to clear myself using self-forgiveness and writing – and to first when I stand stable – offer my unconditional support to another and give as I would like to receive.

When health becomes a HELL

Health, a word with so many meanings and that have become excessively abused in this world, causing a lot of pain and misery for many, many people. The problem with how we have defined health is that health is seen as one state, one ideal, one way of living/being/looking, and that if we are able to compress/alter/change our life/ourselves to fit into this lifestyle of health, then we are apparently healthy. However, a big problem with this way of approaching health is that we are not considering that what might be healthy for one person, can be completely unhealthy for another.

This is what I did with my partner, as I had a particular idea that it is healthy to go out and walk for a moment. And sure, that might be so in a certain context. If I am otherwise in a good shape, not sick, I have the time, and there are no other barriers, it is usually supportive to go out for a walk. However, in my partners context, she did not feel physically rested, and she instead felt that it would be best for her to remain indoors and sleep. Because of my limited definition/understanding of health – I reacted – and thought: ‘But that is not healthy? I must help my partner to do the healthy thing’.

Since then I have reflected on the word healthy – what is real health? Having a fit body does not define health – eating only vegetables does not define health – because health is obviously something much more expansive – it is not only related to physical looks, food and exercise routines. What is more important is WHO WE ARE as human beings and how we relate to our human physical bodies – where a healthy approach would be to listen and be aware of how our physical bodies respond and feel to who we are in our minds and to what we eat and how we move ourselves – and acting/living in such a way that we support our bodies to reach its utmost potential. And that potential does necessarily imply that we have abs, toned bodies and that we only eat green, vegetarian food – rather health and the way our bodies express as health will be different and unique to each body – and will also reflect the beings individuality that inhabits the body.

Thus – in this moment with my partner – my partner was healthy when she made the decision to sleep – as that was what my partners body required in that moment to be able to express and function at its full potential.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit the word health through defining it as eating vegetables, working out and staying away from sugar – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not expand the word health, to move it, and make it part of my life, and as such give it a holistic, all encompassing definition, where it is not only about looking good, and eating good, but also about WHO I AM

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit how I live health through only focusing on my body – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that health is also about who I am within my mind, within my thoughts, who I am within my daily movement and direction, who I am within making decisions, it is the entirety of me, where I can support myself to stand within my full potential (living healthy) in all areas of my life instead of merely being concerned with how my body looks like and what I eat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge certain foods as healthy, and other foods as unhealthy, and within this separate myself from certain types of food, and not eat them, even though my body is showing me through hunger/urges/movements that it wants a particular type of food that I have defined as unhealthy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I cannot understand food through labeling it as either healthy or unhealthy – because food – as with all physical parts of this reality – is multidimensional and has a different purpose/function/value depending on the context in which it is existing – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the physical instead of standing with and as my physical and interacting with it directly – immediately – not relating to it through thinking/experiencing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not expand health and make it a part of myself – not something separate that I must reach and attain through eating ‘healthy food’ and doing ‘healthy stuff’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define health according to what is said and written in various news papers that profess that they know what health is and how health can be reached – instead of looking within me and redefining health according to my own understanding of health – and then live health in my life in a way that is supportive and that enhances and builds me instead of destroying me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force another to do what I perceive is best – instead of understanding – learning – and being humble – to see who another is and within this also come to terms with the point that I do not necessarily know what is best for another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force my view and idea of things unto others and expect them to live and behave according to how I have defined ‘what is best’ within me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be open and humble to learning new perspectives – seeing things differently – understanding that I might not know exactly what is best – what direction to go – and how to be healthy – and that thus – it is important for me to take a breath – relax and bring myself back here into and as my human physical body – and approach the situation from within and as a stable and grounded starting point where I am open and ready to learn something new

Self-commitment statements

Solution with regards to Forcing

When and as I see myself trying to impose, push, force my way of thinking, seeing things, understanding things, and I have a reaction, that motivates me to continue to argument, and force, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that in forcing, I am merely living out my own reactions, trying to have others adhere to how I experience things, thus, not supporting others to live to their utmost potential – and hence I see that this is not something that I would have wanted others to do towards me – as I would have wanted them to support me unconditionally and without their own agenda and personal investment in the point; hence I commit myself to stop my reactions and ground myself – and make sure – that if I decide to support another – that I am clear, stable and grounded – and that I speak and support from a starting point of genuinely caring for another and that they expand themselves and move to become the best that they can be

Solution to misalignment with regards to Health

I commit myself to live and apply the word health in my life with the following definition: Health is when I assist and support myself, mentally and physically, to be the best that I can be – and I do this through listening to myself and my body – being aware of what I am going through and what would be best for me – being fully and wholly open to all directions and not judging any part of the physical as ‘unhealthy’ and per definition avoiding it – hence not relying on ideas, ideals, diets and similar concepts.


Learn more about this way of living:

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Day 57: Life is a Struggle, Apparently

Okay, I had some reactions today – and these require direction immediately – so here we go.

So, as usual – the specific of the context wherein these reactions came up is not relevant – such as for example the names of the participants, or what type of relationship I hold towards them – what is relevant is to investigate the SYMBOLISM of the moment, and how this particular symbolism triggered some biased vocabulary I’ve created within me – wherein I’ve connected certain emotions to a certain defined moment as a symbol – and thus programmed me to react when a particular situation as a defined vocabulary enters my moment of awareness.

Thus – I will here in this blog work with this misaligned vocabulary.

struggle_by_exeart-d527rzlOkay – so what is the symbolism of this moment? Well – I am able to see that the general symbolism of the moment was that it was a conversation, and in this conversation I was stable, and at ease within and as my application until a certain point emerged – which was as I perceived it: criticism, and disagreement – and within this I experienced myself de-pressed – meaning essentially as if I was being energetically pushed downwards within myself; what I am able to see is that I in the moment wanted to blame the other participant in the conversation – though this is not valid because what is to be realized is that this moment is a symbol – it thus represents a particular issue I’ve created within me towards particular vocabulary.

So, I am able to see that when I perceived that I was being criticized, and another disagreed with me – I took it personally, and I went into a rebellious character – wherein I in my mind started to consider what I could say in-return to so to speak “turn the tide” – meaning – I interpreted the particular moment as a competition wherein I was in the loosing corner, and thus in order to win I had to in someway get myself to the other corner – through speaking particular words and in that having the other participant experience themselves de-pressed – so that I could feel up-lifted.

It’s interesting – when I find myself go into this competition-mode – I am unable to in-fact listen to another, I am unable to speak calmly, and at ease and direct the situation with a clear, and stable vocabulary – and instead I go into a defense-mode – wherein I feel that I am being attacked, and thus the natural outflow of this according to the logic reasoning of the mind is to “attack back”.

Fascinating though – that in “attacking back” – I in essence miss myself, and miss the moment – because I do not in-fact see the other participant but only that particular biased vocabulary I am reacting to within myself – and thus I lock myself into my mind – fighting against my own inner mental ghosts, believing that I am doing something “in reality” – while reality has already been missed because all I am doing is living out the past as biased vocabulary as miss-interpreted past events – that I’ve defined within experiences instead of seeing the facts of the event.

I mean – the facts of this particular event would be that I am talking with someone – and that what another say as words can’t possibly in anyway influence me on a mental basis unless I accept and allow it – it’s not like the words physically get inside my body and start to active particular experiences – no – this is my doing – it’s my creation and I’ve accepted and allowed this creation to become automated and simply run amok – automated to react to particular stimuli in a particular way – and in this case reacting through taking it personally and going into a competition- and defense-mode.

Another interesting aspect of this point is that the particular person I spoke held the symbolism within me as being “a close person” – thus due to this point I reacted more than I would’ve if it would’ve been a “stranger” that I spoke with; and this is because I’ve accepted and allowed this particular persons word to mean more to me, to be more valuable than any other persons word – thus deciding to trust this individual, and define myself according to this individual – in the belief that because I know them, and have known them for a long time – they are apparently a part of me – and thus are able to have a impact on me, and decide who I am; which is obviously a justification for me to not take responsibility for the particular dysfunctional symbolism that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist as.

Thus – self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to perceive a particular moment, and define a moment as being hazardous, as me being criticized and attacked – and that thus I must defend myself, and protect myself, and unleash my vocabulary as weapons that I use to disarm, and remove my enemy; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that the only enemy that exists is the inner-me – is my mental situation that I’ve created through years of automated automaton living – wherein I’ve not effectively structured my inner kingdom to be aligned with what is best for all but I’ve simply allowed points to accumulate, and thus creating a energetic bias towards particular situations wherein I react and act irrational – because I do not stand within oneness and equality with the objective facts as what is here – but instead interpret what is here and act according to experiences, and emotions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive, and believe that when another does not agree with me, or say’s that I am wrong, and that I am not effective within a particular point – that this is then a deadly, and harmful attack towards me that I must in anyway protect myself from, and make sure that I am able to avoid, or at least attack back in the same measure to make sure that I don’t loose – and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand how this point is simply not real – and that everything I experience is in-fact a mind-job – which means that what I experience is nothing but my own biased vocabulary that have become triggered due to me facing particular external stimuli as particular symbolism; and as such I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be grateful that this event opened up – as it allows me to go into my mental reality and correct the ineffective relationships I’ve created

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive, and believe that I must make sure that I in every moment cover all my bases, and make sure that my words sounds reasonable, and good, and smart – because then I will have made sure that I can’t in anyway be attacked – and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that this point of feeling attacked is simply not real, it’s a illusory experience that I create through going into my mental inner mind-chatter and from within there conjure a particular energetic idea of myself as how I experience myself in the moment – instead of realizing that without this mental conjuration – I am simply here as my physical body – and that this is the fact – that I am here as a physical body and as a physical body I can’t in-fact be influenced by the words, and behavior of another – unless it’s in-fact physically harming me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be unable to stand in the face of criticism, and disagreement – and immediately react, and take these points personally as they open up in my world, and go into a state of self-suppression, and self-victimization – wherein I limit myself in the moment to either fight back, or to suppress myself – instead of seeing, realizing, and understand that I am able to direct, and express myself here as I’d like – because in being here as stability I am able to be creative, and move my body, and the sound of my words – and the sound of myself – the presence of me – as I’d like – because I am not limited to external stimuli – meaning that I don’t react, or define myself according to external stimuli – but that I instead remain here within and as breath – within and as self-movement – and that there is nothing that can move me – and take me off course within myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive, and believe that I require, and need a form of acceptance from others to be comfortable with myself, to be creative, and to be loose in my expression – and within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place responsibility unto others to make me feel okay with myself – instead of me accepting and allowing myself to take directive of and as myself – and actively deciding who I am – actively deciding how I experience myself – actively deciding to live instead of reacting – seeing that living is acting in-fact wherein I script myself according to my awareness of what is here – and I do not re-act – which is me in essence simply regurgitating what has been taught to me without any awareness – without any presence – and without any common sense

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn from my parents that this world, and that living in this world is a struggle – and that it’s something I must come to accept – that each day, each relationship, each point in this world is something I must distrust – and fight; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my daily living to be a constant fight – wherein I must make sure that I win each conversation, that I win each encounter – that I make sure I leave within my so-called “pride” intact – instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that in seeing the facts of this reality – there is no fighting, there is no competition, there is no reason to distrust – because what is here – is simply what is here – and thus it’s to learn to simply see what is here and not create a particular experience towards what is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive, and define living as a fight, and as struggle, and as something that is personally out to get me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear living, to fear existing – because I fear that at any moment I might be attacked, and I might be killed, or dishonored, or ridiculed, or de-pressed – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how this is merely my biased, and distorted view of reality, and life – and that this belief is not in-fact true – because what is true is that I am here in this world as a human physical body – and that in essence the actuality of this world is created in such a way as to support my continued existence – and that in-fact at the moment my existence is supported because I have access to money – and thus my entire idea of myself and living is a falsity that is based upon a misinterpretation of reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misinterpret reality – to misinterpret the physical, and to see what is here as feelings, and experiences – instead of seeing the actual facts of my world, the actual facts of my daily living and participation – and stop interpreting points in my mind as guessing what is here – as thinking about what is here – but instead SEE what is here within and as oneness and equality as simply being one and equal with and as what is here and thus having full understanding in quantum time – because I stand within that point of equality as realizing that there is no separation between me and this physical world, and reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, and perceive that I am able to be defeated through the words that another use, and that I thus must keep myself on the edge at all times – to make sure that I will not be defeated, that I will not be attacked, and that I will be able to defend myself at any and all costs – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a human of the human race – wherein I race to get to some illusory finish line – and that I attempt to reach this illusion first through fighting my way through resistance – not seeing, realizing, and understanding how this entire point is make-belief – and that I’ve made it up in my mind – that I’ve created it without awareness, and without understanding the actuality of living in-fact

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive, and believe that I am not able to function without interpreting what I here – thinking that my survival is based upon me being able to interpret what is here, and “read between the lines” as in seeing the danger, and the difficulty that might lurk around every corner of my existence, and that I must constantly be prepared that this point is going to come out and bite me in the ass when and as I am the last prepared; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath, and to bring myself back here to the physical – as living without interpreting but instead SEEING matter – as a matter of fact – fact being matter – and there being nothing to interpret because I see what is real and there is no point guessing involved

Self-commitments

When and as I perceive, and see it as if I am being attacked, and that I must thus use words, vocabulary, and my body to defend myself – and remove myself from the threat – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I am in this moment seeing not reality – but my biased interpretation of reality – as what I think I see; as such I commit myself to stop fighting – and to instead without bias – see the facts of reality as what is in-fact here – and to within this walk with and as reality – as the physical

When and as I see that I believe that I am being attacked, because I feel criticized, I feel attacked, I feel belittled, and de-pressed – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that there is in-fact no such thing happening, and that what is going on is that I am experiencing my own dysfunctional vocabulary as a dysfunctional understanding of reality that is based on feelings and not on facts; as such I commit myself to align myself with reality – and see what is in-fact here – and give proper definitions to what is here – understanding that a attack as a in-fact physical attack towards me that is able to harm me – while speaking is communication that regardless of it’s intent can’t in-fact physically harm me; as such I commit myself to live HERE direct – without interpretation – and instead SEE the facts – and not go into the feelings

When and as I see that I am placing my words to cover all bases, that I act and behave to protect myself from an eventual attack; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand how this is in-fact paranoia – meaning – a para-normal point that I accept and allow to influence me within and as my physical living here; as such I commit myself to breath – and to live with and as the physical – to speak naturally and comfortably with and as my physical body – and not fearing eventual points that might come into my world – but instead trust that I will simply stand and direct myself here within and as oneness and equality as breath

When and as I see that I am reacting, and taking disagreement, and perceived criticism personally, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I am in this moment in-fact creating a make-belief reality – wherein I am seeing what is here through the eyes of misinterpreted vocabulary as not in-fact understanding the meaning of words but only seeing my biased definition of words; as such I commit myself to re-align my living to the physical as being and living here within and as the physical – and not accepting and allowing myself to live through, and as a interpretation as the mind

When and as I see that I am re-acting – to apparently defend myself, and protect myself from criticism, and disagreement – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand how I am in this moment accepting and allowing myself to interpret life, and living as a struggle, and fight that I must push myself through else I will be devoured by this evil reality – and within this I commit myself to bring myself back here and to live in seeing that living is only a fight, a struggle, and a competition when I see living that way – and I deliberately create that experience through thinking about it; as such I commit myself to live without thinking – without interpreting – but instead see directly what is here

When and as I see that I am fighting what is here, and attempting to protect, and defend myself from what is here – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that it’s simply irrational to fight what is here – because in fighting what is here I am merely trying to defend my own fears, and anxieties – and I am not in-fact learning to direct what is here – and thus I create conflict, and friction – and make my life generally uncomfortable simply because I do not direct – but instead fight; as such I commit myself to practice directing – and practice moving myself, and my world as self-direction within oneness and equality as breath

When and as I see that I am perceiving, and defining living as a fight, and as a struggle – that is personally out to get me – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I am within and as holding unto such a view of reality in-fact limiting myself extensively, because I am looking at the physical with these biased eyes wherein I only see what I want to see – instead of seeing in-fact what is here in this moment; as such I commit myself to stop seeing, and looking with biased eyes – and instead see, and look at what is here directly – within and as common sense

When and as I see that I am interpreting what is here, and I make guesses, and assumptions as to the function of reality, and as to what it is that I am seeing – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I can’t in anyway trust my eyes – when I accept and allow myself to only see my own interpretations and guesses – and in essence see the information that I’ve decided to be correct instead of remaining open and in-fact seeing what is here in this world and reality

When and as I see that I go into a state, and belief that I am able to be defeated, deflated, and disempowered by the words that another use, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this particular idea is in-fact a justification for me to go into a self-victimization, and depression character – wherein I feel, and think that I’ve been defeated – as such I commit myself to stop this particular point of searching for a reason to feel depressed – and instead commit myself to live and breath as stability, and as the physical in every moment

When and as I see that I believe, and think that I am not able to function, and live properly without interpreting what is here – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I am within and as this particular moment justifying why I should remain limited, why I should remain in a illusion – and I mean the only reason I’d like this is because I’m comfortable to this point, I’ve gotten used to it and I don’t really want to practice seeing reality as it is but instead hold unto my illusion; as such I commit myself to push through the resistance and develop a seeing that is direct – that is in-fact seeing the facts of this physical reality and not the feelings I’ve created within me as interpretations of reality

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Day 32: I Am Really Good – Just Not This Time!

I am continuing on the subject of nervousness in relation to school. After the last time I wrote here I’ve done my exams, and within doing that I went into lots of nervousness – despite the fact that I’ve worked so rigorously with the point. Within this I realized that I am not yet getting to the origin point – the problem so to speak – and that I’ve yet to find the dysfunction within me that creates this pattern of nervousness.

Thus – I’ve in order to familiarize myself more with nervousness as an experience bought some interviews from Eqafe that are giving a perspective on nervousness, and also suggesting a step-by-step solution as how to transcend and move through nervousness.

Now – in these interviews the nervousness that is being expanded upon, and explained is in relation to talking to lot’s of people – standing before a crowd – the nervousness I experience comes up in a different setting yet the symbolism of the events are the same. Because when I sit and write my exam I face the same point of a evaluating crowd – because the exam I write will be reviewed by professors, and it will gain me a particular mark – and this will then possibly be seen by future employees, my family, and so on – thus – I am not just writing a test but I am actually indirectly standing before the unknown as that which I am not able to calculate, and control – just as with standing before a crowd.

Thus – I will utilize the same step-by-step method in order to take apart my nervousness here as is suggested in relation to nervousness that comes up when facing crowds.

Unfortunately I can’t reveal the exact nature of the step-by-step nature – as it’s a product that is sold at the eqafe store – thus if you want to find out exactly how to do this that I am going to do in the coming blogs, you’ll have to purchase the interviews for yourself. What I am going to share here is the self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements, and the self-writing – but I am not going to go into detail as to the nature of the method that I am working by.

Still – anyone reading this and that are struggling with nervousness of a similar nature can utilize these writings as a support structure, and then if you want to further your understanding, and application of yourself in relation to this point – I suggest to you invest in these interviews:

https://eqafe.com/p/deconstructing-nervousness-atlanteans-part-89
https://eqafe.com/p/overcoming-nervousness-atlanteans-part-90
https://eqafe.com/p/overcoming-nervousness-part-2-atlanteans-part-91
https://eqafe.com/p/sounding-self-forgiveness-for-nervousness-atlanteans-part-92
https://eqafe.com/p/finalising-nervousness-support-atlanteans-part-93

Self-writing

I am going to begin with opening up how it is that I see myself before I make an exam – what is it that I think of myself? And it’s fascinating – because I see that I have a positive excitement experience towards the prospect of writing my exams; I will have thoughts of the nature such as “yeah! I know I am good at writing exams!” – “This time I will be much more calm, and relaxed than the last time!” – “If I just study enough for this exam everything will go smoothly!” – “I am smart, so I know that nothing can go wrong really!”.

So – what I am doing here is that I am creating a positive self-image of myself in relation to my test – that fascinatingly enough – isn’t real – which results in me becoming disappointed with myself, and feeling like a failure – when it is that I sit down to do my exams and up comes lot’s of nervousness, and anxiety. The first thing I got to do is as such to remove all these positive ideas I have of myself – because they are really just that – ideas and not a real living statement as who I am.

Self-forgiveness

children examI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a positive idea of myself in relation to me doing my exams – wherein I imagine within me that I have an easy time doing exams, that I usually tend to be cool, and calm – and that I tend to be effective in writing my exams – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not look at the reality of how I experience myself – which is that I tend to become very nervous, I tend to doubt myself, and I tend to fear what might, or might not happen when it is that I sit down to write my exams

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be honest with myself in seeing, realizing, and understanding that I tend to hold unto fear of the unknown, and fear of failure to a large extent – and that as such – my experience with writing my exams are really uncomfortable, and not very pleasurable, or calm at all – a complete contradiction to who I believe myself to be in my mind – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remove and form of positive experience, and idea of myself in relation to writing my exams – and as such instead work with what is real – and how I actually experience myself in writing my tests

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine within myself before writing a test – that everything will go great, and within this feel a slight tinge of superiority – as feeling that “hey! I am awesome at writing exams – this will be fun!” – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that this positive – energy – accumulation in relation to writing my test isn’t real – but is a mechanism of suppression that I utilize in order to not have to face the real me – as the real experience of myself within and as me writing my exams

Self-commitments

When it is that I go into and as a experience of excitement, superiority, and positive projection towards the future as writing my exams – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this positive experience that I am having in relation to writing my exams – it isn’t real – but merely a suppression mechanism that I use so that I won’t have to face, and deal with the real experience of me while writing my exams – which is fear, and nervousness; as such I commit myself to breath and to not create any idea of myself – to not picture myself in my mind as being good at writing my test – but instead stay with the physical – stay here – and not go into energy as excitement, or superiority

When it is that I see I am becoming disappointed with myself when I write my exams, because I’ve become nervous, and filled with anxiety, even though I imagined myself within my mind that I wouldn’t experience myself in this way – and that I instead would be stable, calm, and easily write my exams – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that there is nothing to become disappointed in – because my initial dreams of myself weren’t even real but based upon illusion as participating in the mind reality instead of living here; as such I commit myself to bring me back to what is actually here as me in the moment – and not have any expectations, and ideas of myself that I can’t cross-reference and confirm to be real in the physical – in this moment here

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Self-imageWikipedia: A person’s self-image is the mental picture, generally of a kind that is quite resistant to change, that depicts not only details that are potentially available to objective investigation by others (height, weight, hair color, gender, I.Q. score, etc.), but also items that have been learned by that person about himself or herself, either from personal experiences or by internalizing the judgments of others.

FAQ In An Equal Money System, What Happens to the Vatican and the Pope?

So, let’s take a look at the fascinating question of: “What happens to the Vatican and the pope in an Equal Money System?”

Well, let’s first look at the very origin, and reason for the existence of the Vatican, and the pope – they are creations of religious belief, more specifically, the belief in Jesus Christ, eternal salvation, heaven and father god. In all plainness, the belief in such mental creations is in-fact delusional, and would in an Equal Money System be treated as a mental illness.

It would be treated and seen as a mental illness due to the complete nonsense of such a belief, and herein I use the word “non-sense” very specifically, as the construct of religious beliefs is in-fact not based upon what you can touch, see, and experience here within and as the physical through your senses – but it’s dependent upon the participation in thoughts, emotional experiences, and religious indoctrination, as here-say. There is no substance in the construct of religious beliefs, and it holds no value to humanity at all, as it doesn’t serve to perfect, and enhance man’s ability to live and express himself.

Instead, religious belief serves to have man cover in hope, in irresponsibility, as he hopes that god will take care of everything, and that there is a heaven after this life, which then means that this earth, and all it’s inhabitants, is of no real value, or worth, as it’s the afterlife that is important – apparently. Thus, man is through religious dogmas stimulated into a position of ineffective intellectual capabilities, ineffective self-movement skills, and ineffective self-expression skills, as all attention is placed upon a mere fictional creation of the mind, instead of this physical reality, and our common socialization, and participation within it.

Thus. Religion in its current form, within which the manifestations of the Vatican and the pope adhere, would not be allowed to exist in a Equal Money System – it would instead be exposed as the crime against life that it in-fact is, as it doesn’t serve in anyway to create a reality that is best for all – and that is a crime against life.

Further, if we look at how money, and our reality of competition, is responsible for people joining religions to begin with, as people seek to find meaning, peace, and comfort in this life, looking for somewhere to belong, often ending up in a religion, it’s thus easy to see and understand that when our current money system of and as competition end, people will be less inclined to gravitate towards religious practices. The reason being that the Equal Money System would offer individuals, in reality, for real, in the physical, peace, meaning and comfort.

And if heaven is already here, and you experience yourself fulfilled, at ease, comfortable, fearless, and in full trust of yourself – then why would you ever want to create a imaginary dimension in your mind, containing some higher purpose, and some promised greater reality that is beyond this one; you would be content here, satisfied here – then obviously no need to run away into “the safety” of your mind would exist. Instead you’d like to spend all your time in this real, physical reality, as it’s in-fact offering an experience of heaven.

So, to sum things up – there are two reasons that I can see as to why the Vatican and the pope, and religion, would cease to exist in an Equal Money System. (1) We would not accept and allow anything to be taught, and lived in society that would produce a end result of a in-effective human being, and as such a consequential outflow of harmful and ignorant actions taken – religion is such a in-effective concept that doesn’t add any worth, value, or practical living skill to a human being – it’s simply a waste of time and space, and serves but to make the human being delinquent and incapable of utilizing common sense as the foundation of decision making.

(2) In an Equal Money System, heaven would be here in every breath, as such you wouldn’t have to hope for a heaven to arrive, and you wouldn’t want to escape from this current reality due to any experience of fear, discomfort, or uncertainty – as this reality would offer a paradise of support, trust, and excellence. Heaven would in-fact be on earth, and who got time for excursions into the mind, developing and creating a fictional belief of a god, when one can express and live a cool life here? Answer: nobody!

Thus, the need for, and the origin of religion would cease to exist in an Equal Money System – and instead of having in-effective, and untrustworthy living skills being taught, as religion, common sense would become the guiding principle of all.

Listening To My Body

For quite some time I’ve been bothered by lower back pain, which now have forced me to take action. I’ve as such decided to practice the fitness discipline of Pilates in order to support my body.

In order to go through with my plan I bought a monthly subscription in a nearby Pilates institute and I began my training the very same day. Now, this was a couple of days ago, and since then I’ve been going to the institute each day in order to train Pilates.

Yesterday as I came home from a Pilates session I experienced a extreme pain in my lower back which sustained itself for the entire evening, and on top of this I got a fever. So, I spent the rest of my day laying in the bed, and the couch, experiencing intense and uncomfortable pain.

Now, what I’ve realized in regards to this entire play-out is the following:

That I must learn to listen to my body and what it’s telling me. The reason I accumulated myself into and as severe back pain was because I practiced Pilates as the instructors of the Pilates institute told me, instead of me listening to what my body told me.

Thus – I overdid the exercises and I pushed myself above my limits, because my instructor told me to do so, instead of me taking it easy with myself, allowing my body to ease into the movements of Pilates.

I listened to my instructors more than to my own body because I thought of my instructors as authorities, and that they would know how much I should do and how hard I should push myself. Believing that because they have university educations, and much experience of Pilates, as well as the anatomy of the human physical body, that they know more than what I do, about how I experience myself as my human physical body, while obviously they don’t.

What I’ve realized is that no matter what type of thing that I practice, that I learn from others, that it’s absolutely stupid to take others as an authority upon the subject while regarding my direct experience of what I’m doing as irrelevant. Such an application of myself will lead me down the path of self-compromise, and this showed itself to me through the severe back pain I manifested. That was me compromising my insight and seeing of myself as the physical, giving into the belief that knowledge holds a higher value than direct experience.

The solution is for me to listen to my body at all times and never take another’s word as truth without practically testing it out for myself. Making sure that I don’t do something only because another have told me that it’s that way to do it, because I do know what’s good for me, and what’s bad for me, if I simply allow me to listen to what my body is telling me.

Further I realize that I can’t support myself effectively through comparing myself with others, as how others are pushing themselves in regards to the Pilates exercises, as each body is unique and requires a different approach. It’s exactly the same with process, where all walking different points, all with a different history, and as such my process can’t be compared to another’s, and there is no one right way to do things – instead I have to develop to skills of listening to myself, wherein I see what would support me, and then I do that – regardless of what others might do or say.

So, in essence the solution is self-honesty, to not be swayed in my decisions by external factors, even though they have a university education, or a respected position in the system. But to instead trust myself as the simplicity of common sense – that if my body hurt when I do an exercise, this is my body signalling to me that such an exercise should be done carefully and gently. Not pushed and forced just because others are able to do it.

Picking Apart Confucius

Quote: ”If I am walking with two other men, each of them will serve as my teacher. I will pick out the good points of the one and imitate them, and the bad points of the other and correct them in myself.” (Confucius)

Question to be answered: How can this statement be abused and misused?

Now – the first thing to be observed in the quote above is the two words ‘good’ and ‘bad’ – as these two words open up the backdoor to potential misuse and abuse of above statement.

Why?

Because – the words of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ are based upon subjective definitions – they are in the mind of each human created as an individual experience with no actual relationship to this physical reality that we participate and exist within.

As such – ‘good’ for one might be to rape a woman – as this ‘feels good’ – while ‘bad’ for another might be to do his homework – as it ‘feels bad’ – as such it’s easy to observe that using the words of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ in relation to any self-statement is risky – as the statement lived doesn’t promise a world that is best for all – but instead give room for the mind to create interpretations and to have the statement become – what the mind – as desires/wants/needs – as self-interest – would like to be.

That’s why it’s beneficial – when one write self-corrective statements – or consider taking statements and placing them into practical application – that specific practical and actual actions are used in order to create the statement – because in doing so there will be no room for interpretation – there will be no room for self-interest as only the actual physical expression of the physical will remain.

Thus – this quote above proves the problem with the new-age religions over-use of words such as compassion – love – care – consideration; the problem is that these words aren’t ever practically – specifically – and mathematically defined and brought into physical practical application – but they instead remain vague and abstract concepts that no-one really knows how to live – you only feel them.

But feeling a word is useless – as we’re not feelings – we’re beings of flesh and blood and what’s of consequence to us is our experience in this physical reality – not what we feel or think – this is proven by the fact that you die with no food – but you continue to breath and live with no thought.

As such we must create ourselves in accordance and alignment with our physical reality – as that is what will have an impact and in-fact mean something to us in our lives – we are actually physical beings. Thus – we specifically re-define each word to contain a actual and practically livable description – so that we may create a world that is actually one and equal as love and compassion – and not only energetic feelings connected to a word.

De-constructing my Money-Construct Part: 4

Today it’s one day before I leave to Uppsala to start studying law. It’s very cool and I am excited to start studying.

At the moment I have a headache and I believe the reason is money and fear of money, actually fear of loosing money. I had an interesting experience today in regards to loosing money. Due to mistakes in relation to weekdays and the implications of certain weekdays I managed to fuck up my planning. What did this cost me? It cost me a certain amount of money and I reacted within fear and self-judgment as I realized my mistake.

As I came home I shared this point with my mother who went into a complete fear-possession, in which she said that I must find someway to correct this. I had looked at all the points already and I saw that I had no possibility to correct this mistake, but I allowed myself to get swayed by my mother reversed enthusiasm. LOL – reversed enthusiasm because it’s the expression of being in panic and literally wanting to do anything and say anything in order to get a certain point through.

I thought that, cool, my mother might be able to assist me and help me with this point, but as I called the girl which I had contact with in relation to my apartment I got the same response as before. This time though I noticed how I attempted through placing certain “valuable” and “important” words manipulate myself to create a solution. I see no problem with manipulating in order to achieve a solution, if there is a possibility to do so with no harm coming to anyone – why not? Only morality is in my way, morality that is actually an idea of the physical outflows of actions as either being good or bad and not the actual understanding of the implications as the outflows of my physical actions.

Anyway – mission failed to retrieve my “wasted” money. I would loose them when I die anyway, so can I actually say that they where ever mine? Can I actually say that anything, which is here, is mine? No – nothing here is actual something that I own, it’s things that are in my presence and that’s it. I can’t define myself and my standing dependent upon material things in my reality because then I will fall – as I’ve placed my standing not upon that which eternally here and unchangeable.

What I saw was that I didn’t allow myself to trust myself in relation to this point. The reason that I started to speak with my mother around this point in the first place is because I felt fearful and uncomfortable knowing that I had lost a lot of money. I wanted to share this with someone in order to get support and get some understanding from someone. I would like my mother to say to me, hey Viktor, it doesn’t matter, money isn’t everything! I am not able to say that to myself and trust myself completely. Dealing with money brings up reactions in even if I have sufficient with money to survive.

As a form of protection, or reaction to the reaction I brought up within my mind my plans of becoming a clown as the summer is coming. I brought up my plans as to how I am going to make money in order to sustain myself when I won’t have any possibility to take loans from the government.

What I also see now that I became worried about was that I wouldn’t be able to move my stuff out from my apartment at the end of this year, because I wouldn’t have any money to do this. Thus as a protection to this I thought that my father would be able to help me and that I because of this would be able to save money.

It’s fascinating that I am so worried in terms of money even though I actually have sufficient with money. Meaning, my reactions are not in anyway in relation to the reality in which I am. It would be a different story if I were considering solutions, looking at my money situation if I saw that I actually didn’t have any money to be able to sustain myself – but I do have that! Thus I see that this is my extensive fear of loosing myself and the control over my possessions and my world through not having money.

I am going to list all the things, which I’ve circled around today in relation to money to structure this point for myself.

1.     Buying new study books

1.1.  How much will it cost?

1.1.1.     Will I have enough money?

1.1.1.1.         Will I have enough money to next year?

1.1.1.1.1.              What if I won’t have enough money and I won’t get a job?

2.     Taking subway in Stockholm

2.1.  How much money will it cost?

2.1.1.     Will I spend a lot of money and will I then be able to afford my apartment and pay for my bills?

3.     Monthly expenses

3.1.  Will I have to much monthly expenses and because of that not be able to sustain myself

3.1.1.     Will I get in debt?

3.1.1.1.         Will I not be able to pay my bills effectively?

3.1.1.1.1.              What will happen to me then?

4.     Taking buss

4.1.  How much will the bus cost?

4.1.1.     Will it be cheap or expensive?

4.1.1.1.         If expensive, will I afford to pay my bills and keep my apartment?

5.     My stuff being placed outside

5.1.  Will my stuff be stolen?

5.1.1.     How much money am I then going to loose?

5.2.  Will my stuff break in the cold?

5.2.1.     How much money am I then going to loose?

6.     Bathing

6.1.  How much money will it cost?

6.1.1.     Will it take a to big chunk of my budget?

6.1.1.1.         Will I be able to sustain myself?

6.1.1.1.1.              Will I be able to afford food and property?

7.     Moving the next time

7.1.  Do I have to much stuff with me in this move?

7.1.1.     What if I will have to much stuff in the next move and because of that it will cost more than what I’ve expected it to cost?

7.1.1.1.         What if I won’t be able sustain myself, keep my possessions and locate myself in a apartment?

I notice as I bring up these point that a lot of anger and frustration comes up within me. Accepted and allowed anger because of what I’ve allowed myself to become in relation to money, my submission to money and my experience towards money. Instead of having corrected myself immediately as fear have come up I’ve instead fought my fear, thus becoming angry and frustrated at myself. I am also angry and frustrated that this fear is here to begin with and that it is so extremely real and that I give into to it so easily. That I desire to have these thoughts around money, calculate in my mind, protect myself in my mind through thinking that I have sufficient with money.

And then one day I will die and I will be gone – fascinating. That day is certain yet I fear this world and dying extensively.

Anyway, what more points come up that I’ve worried myself about in relation to money.

8.     Clowning

8.1.  Will I be able to make enough money on clowning?

8.1.1.     What if I won’t be able to do that?

8.1.1.1.         Then I would have wasted money on props and preparation

8.1.1.1.1.              What if I won’t be able to sustain myself then?

9.     Music and Music equipment

9.1.  What if I won’t make enough money on music if I purchase musical equipment to be able to play on a street?

9.1.1.     What if I won’t be able to sustain myself effectively?

10. Apartment with me and Anna

10.1.               What if I won’t be able to buy a new apartment, because I don’t have enough money to place a disposition?

10.1.1. What if I will be to poor to have an apartment?

10.1.1.1.      Where will I place all of my stuff?

10.1.1.1.1.          What if I loose all of my stuff?

I have noticed within me a fear of throwing away things, because they cost money. Will I waste money? I can’t waste money!? What if I waste money?! And thus I will not throw away things that I am within me, quite, if not completely certain that I will never use again, because, what if?

What if? Is a fascinating fear, what if I do a mistake? What if this will lead me to wasting more money, thus me loosing my money?

It’s all delusions, that I can protect myself from this world – that I can loose myself if I don’t have any money. Actually I am able to starve to death if I don’t have any money, or freeze to death, or get dehydrated and die that way. What comes up is, that I don’t want to do that because I don’t want to die on such a stupid point. Those are the points that can happen to me if I don’t have any money. In my current life I must be very fucking clumsy and be very lazy in order to place myself in such a position. At the time being, I simply can’t see how I am able to place myself in a position of not having any money – I will be able to sustain myself effectively, there is no question about. If I am not, then I deal with that in that moment. There is no valid reason to fear not being able to sustain myself, if it’s here, then it’s here and I deal with that. I breath and I direct myself according to common sense – simple, no need for any emotional or feeling based experiences. I do fine without them.

1.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about what things costs

2.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed and controlled by my fear of loosing money

3.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dying due to cold

4.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dying due to starvation

5.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry and fear that my plans in relation to how I am to sustain myself in the future won’t work and that I will only waste even more money

6.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is such a experience as finally being satisfied and calm as in thinking that I have enough money

7.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself, and how I experience myself around how much money I currently posses

8.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking chances, to fear exploring and expanding myself in terms of how to work in the matrix, in fear that I am going to loose money

9.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to loose money at day-to-day actions, without being aware of my account balance and then one day find out that I am broke

10. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear finding out that I am broke and that I have no money what-so-ever

11. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing my possessions

12. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing my desk

13. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing my computer

14. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing my clothes

15. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing my musical instruments

16. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing my office chair

17. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing my study books

18. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear buying new study books, in fear that my savings are going to decrease

19. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear buying new things that are doing so that my savings decrease, in fear that I won’t be able to make new money

20. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not holding my savings on a steady basis, in fear that I am not going to be free in society, but held back by money and through not having enough money

21. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing a comfortable and soft place to sit at

22. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing a place in which I can sit and surf on the internet by myself

23. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to loose my ability to have an apartment and have my possessions be in this apartment with me

24. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will be able to reach inner stability, inner silence and peace through money

25. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I worry and think enough about money, and gather enough money, I will be able to feel safe and calm in this reality

26. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that money is what makes me calm and relaxed and at ease

27. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my release from money into the future, into a day where I will feel like I finally have enough money and that I am now certain of my survival and that I can now relax and simply enjoy myself

28. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that money will be able to give me relaxation and peace

29. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I struggle, and worry, and keep my shit together in relation to money on earth, that I will finally be able to let go and relax when I come to heaven

30. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will have survive my experience on earth if I am able to accumulate enough money in order to always have food, water and a roof over my head until I die of old age

31. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making new purchases in fear that I won’t be able to get any money back on them

32. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my past excursions in relation to money and exploring professions and think that I am only “wasting” money when I attempt to place myself in positions of gaining money through new professions

33. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking chances and walking new roads in terms of earning money in fear that it won’t work

34. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear buying new things, in fear that I won’t be able to take back the money they are worth in either new money or time

35. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a successful buy, as something that I buy and use much or something that I buy and get money back from

36. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to how much money I am able to make and how effectively I am able to run a business and retrieve money from this business

37. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear buying study books that aren’t used, in fear of how much money I will have to spend on study books, in fear that I will go a lot back in terms of my money supply

38. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won’t be able to buy any used books, in fear that I will use to much money and that I won’t be able to sustain myself because I don’t have enough money

39. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won’t be able to sell my books after I’ve used them, in fear that I will go back, and not be able to sustain myself anymore

40. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won’t have enough savings in order to live a comfortable life with no worry of survival, within the belief that it’s my money that my comfort ability and stability depend upon

I am here.

I allow myself to buy that which I need to buy, and that which I see will be beneficial for me to buy in relation to supporting myself as self-expression. I won’t allow myself to participate in fear in relation to buying new things. I will push myself to see money simply as mathematics, and push myself to realize that money and the accumulation of money, and the use of money to sustain myself is simple mathematics and nothing that I have to fear or experience anxiety towards. I push myself to realize the reality of things instead of making assumptions and acting with the starting point fear and anxiety.

I am here.