Tag Archives: better

Day 384: Expansion and Opportunity

Expansion and opportunity – for me these are words connected with movement, the future, dreaming, challenges, distant countries and places and discovering things. I tend to look at expansion and opportunity as a point that is not yet here – however it could be here if I just participate in that thought, vision, imagination and idea of the future – then my life could be filled with expansion and opportunity.

The consequence of this kind of thinking is that everyday life lacks expansion and opportunity – because these experiences/words are projected into the future/mind. Instead of having my focus HERE and spotting where there is room for expansion and where there are opportunities opening up – I am wandering in my mind looking at the illusions of opportunities presented.

However – the thing with the mind is that it never gets real. And when we are able to realize our dreams and imaginations it is never the way we imagined it – and that is because the mind is not designed to be a guide to reality – it is designed to be a trap – a place where we forget ourselves and our lives to be entertained by pictures, feelings and emotions.

I used to go online and search for and read about online courses. Sometimes I would apply and get admitted – though usually I would remain at the level of only reading. I realized that this behavior was an addiction. I was addicted to the energy of imagining myself learning and expanding in a new education. It was not about actual expansion, it was about the idea of expansion. Real expansion happens in a real time moment. It happens here. Thus what I have started to do is to move this energy of expansion into my physical life here. When this desire to imagine comes up within me, I move myself back here, and look at how I am able to expand what I am doing right here, and right now. And regardless of where I am, or what I am doing, there is always something to expand upon.

For example, cooking, it is something that I do many times a day. Usually I have not given it much thought or energy – I just go through the motions and try to achieve a meal that is good enough to be eaten. Though I realized that the time I spend cooking is a moment that I can use to expand. I am able to improve on my cooking skills. I can learn to chop vegetables better, I can learn more about the nutritional value of the ingredients and how they effect my body. There is a ton of dimensions to cooking that I have not yet developed a relationship with. Hence – I started to expand this relationship. I started living expansion for real in my relationship with cooking – and that was a big difference.

Thus, it is easy to through the mind create an experience of expansion, or dream about expansion. That feeling will never get real. To have expansion in your life as a reality – you have to push yourself to make something more out of the daily and recurring events in your life.


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Day 312: Low Approval Ratings

In politics we measure the candidates and political parties with approval ratings. If a candidate has high approval ratings, he or she will likely be elected to a post and achieve a certain amount of influence. I find it interesting that we use the word approval in order to value and define the movement of political parties and figures, and I can relate to this way of defining success/achievement through looking at my own personal life as well.

Especially when it comes to work, I have a tendency to value myself according to whether my work is approved or not – whether I achieve a high approval rating or not. Then if I do, I will feel happy, pleased and satisfied, and walk away with a smile and a comfortable feel in myself. However, if I do not, I will walk away with a nugget of fear/anxiety/stress in my chest, and I will have backchat running in circles about how I can ameliorate the situation, how I can change it up, and direct it. It is fascinating, and because of this good/bad relationship to work, my inner experience will shift, and change, and the consequence is that it is uncomfortable to be at work.

An interesting thing about wanting approval is that when that is the starting point, then what I do, why I do it, and WHO I AM within what I do, it simply does not matter. That is interesting because it means that when I seek approval, there will not be genuine care, and a real passion, it will all be for SHOW, so that I can win more approval, and heighten my approval ratings. The consequence of that is that my actions and the work that I do will lack real substance and meaning – simply because there is no SELF in the process of creation – it is instead about achieving approval. It is not strange at all that we loose touch with our childish, unconditional, curious and potent sides of ourselves, present we are children, because our entire world is based on this one thing of seeking approval – and then being defined according to that approval.

For example school, it is one big process of establishing who is to be approved, and who is not to be approved, and then you apply for university, and potentially you are approved. And what is forgotten in this entire process is looking within ourselves, asking, well WHO AM I? What do I live for? What do I want to do? When am I satisfied with myself and when am I not? What is lost is the sense of SELF = self-honesty – because everything is about fitting in and being approved.

And this pattern of desiring approval is also something that can be seen in how the world system operates, because how do you achieve approval? You take in a certain POSITION – for example – becoming a president – a position in the system and the you get approval for achieving that position – and what is forgotten? SELF – HERE. There is no recognition of WHO I AM – instead value is given by how well I am able to reach and maintain predetermined, given marks.

Approval = A PROOF OF – A PROOF OF LOVE – is that what we are all so hungry for? A proof that someone loves us? It is fascinating, and I have observed this many times in my own life, that what is highly valued and seen as prestigious in the system, automatically becomes a highly valued and desired point to achieve within myself. An example is MONEY – that is an object highly valued and defined as prestigious to have – and what do I want to have? What is it that I use to compare my own value in relation to others? It is money.

Hence, the search for approval, is the search of a proof that we are loved and valued, and we seek to achieve that through moving ourselves in various ways in the world system, making almost everything a competition – and we loose sight of REAL value – which is ourselves. And how we can easily abuse and harm ourselves, judge ourselves in thought, disregarding and being oblivious to the value that exists within and as ourselves, while at the same time trying to achieve value and recognition out there in the world system – where have to fight, and struggle, and compete in order to be able to strengthen our approval ratings.

The REAL proof of love is WHO I AM within myself in each breath – the result of my living will stand as a proof – and that result can be a result of love – which would be when I create an outcome for myself and others in my world that is best – when I place and live by the principle of what is best for all and I do not accept and allow myself to be sidetracked and loose my direction through going into the mind. The solution is to develop, create and find within myself, real love, real approval – a real home. Thus, it is not about what I do – it is about WHO I AM – it is not about where I reach – it is about WHO I AM – it is not about what I achieve – it is about WHO I AM – I am in this world but not off this world.

Day 302: The Starting Point of Self-Improvement

Self-improvement, a word that holds a positive charge in the current system and usually this word is defined as an individual experience. In-fact, much of our system is based on self-improvement, where each individual strives to improve themselves in some facet or area of their life, and oftentimes, from within and as the starting point of competition. This is what I have seen for myself, looking back at my life, I can see that my drive to improve myself has been competition, and my satisfaction, as to whether I feel that I have been able to accomplish an improvement or not, has been the feedback and positive critique from others, mainly teachers.

It is hence interesting to see that I have come to define my strengths and weaknesses on the premise of whether I have felt that I have been more improved in comparison others, and been successful in achieving notoriety in competition with others. For example in school, the subjects that I pushed myself in, and within which the teachers and my parents gave me positive recognition, that was also the subjects I was able to do better than others, where I could feel like a winner; a process walked solely for my own gain. And when I succeeded to do something better than another, that would signify that I had reached my goal and that I could now be satisfied. As such, I would push a subject until I achieved that point of recognition, then I would let it go. I did not consider, that perhaps, if I just do enough to win, I will never really be able to discover and see my full potential. Because, fact is that in order to achieve real greatness in any given subject, skill or ability, I cannot accept and allow myself to compare and compete – because then I will stop pushing myself the moment I feel that I have won – though perfection is not something that can be reached only because I have won.

And this brings me back to self-improvement, because I want to discuss a new and expanded definition of self-improvement, where self-improvement is not done for self, or at least, not only for self, but rather for the benefit of everyone – and hence – is not limited by winning or losing. As such, the drive to improve is not anymore to succeed against others, the drive to improve is instead to be able to give more. An example would be a carpenter that is pushing his professional skills, and he does that because he sees that as a master carpenter, he will be able to produce better houses that will be more supportive to its inhabitants. As such, his starting point for mastering carpentry is so that he will be able to give back – he does not want to win, or prove himself – he wants to be able to give the best that he can be – to as such enhance this world and make it better. From within that starting point, there is no limitations, because only the carpenter can decide when he has reached his full potential.

Instead of walking self-improvement from a starting point of self-interest, it can be something we do as a way of contributing to what is best for all. Accordingly, we would also celebrate anyone that is able to improve themselves, as opposed to feeling threatened by them, as we would see/understand that when someone improves upon themselves and becomes better, this is something that will impact positively on everyone. Competition thus, should be seen as the way which we spur each-other to improve, though not for the sake of winning, but for the sake of being able to contribute more, to make more of a difference, and to be a part of creating a world that is truly supportive for everyone.

This is the solution I see that I am going to apply in order to stop myself from getting stuck in a state of competition, and in that only take my skills and abilities to the point where I feel like I am winning – I am going to push myself to improve, expand and grow, because I see, that the more I grow as an individual, the more I will be able to give back, and that in turn will impact on this world positively.

Day 175: An Addiction To The Unreal

I’m now walking the ACTual process of stopping future projections – and this has lead me to some fascinating insights in regards to exactly what it is that at times makes me go into these projections – even though I’ve decided and committed myself not to do it.

When a projection comes up within me, a future plan, decision, or hope, there is an accompanying intrigue, fascination and urgency to it – the best way to describe the feeling is that unless I go into this projection – unless I take to heart and pursue it – I will MISS out on something. Thus, this is a dimension within myself that currently holds me back from stopping myself completely with this projection point – I feel, believe, and experience that when I am stopping myself – I am missing out on something.

Looking at it in common sense, it’s quite clear that YES – I am missing out on something when I stop my projection – yet: Why would I want to go through and take part in that which the projection has to offer?

I mean, the fascinating aspect of this missing out dimension, is that going into the mind, into the thoughts, the backchat, and the inner dialogue – it doesn’t in-fact have anything of substance and value to offer. For example when I go into a projection about the future, what will happen is that I will go into that state of dreaming, fantasizing, and creating alternate playouts for the future, but in reality – I am just standing still – not aware of my body and my physical environment – and thus not actually alive, breathing, and directing my reality here.

So, yes I miss out on something when I am not going into a projection, but that which I miss out upon is actually not of any value or worth – it’s simply energy, and different variations of pictures – though when I do go into my projections I miss out upon something real and tangible – a moment HERE with and as my physical body – a REAL moment here in this REAL physical world – where I am instead of being physical – directive – present – and here; inside my mind.

Thus, missing out on the fantasies of the mind = no big deal! Missing out on a moment of physical life and living = PROBLEM! Because obviously being here, living, participating, breathing and taking part of the physical actual world – that is what LIFE is – it’s not more or less than that – life is HERE and it’s thus up to me to make the decision to stand one and equal with that life and not accept and allow myself to loose a moment of life through being stuck in my mind.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lure myself into going into these projections and fantasies of the future through the fear of missing out, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the mind, fear letting go of my projections, my anxieties, worries, concerns, and inferiorities that are connected to the future – in fear that I am going to miss out upon something – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that it’s quite obvious that I am going miss out upon something – yet the point to take into consideration is what it is that I am missing out upon, I mean, a projection, a thought, some lines of backchat, is that really what I want from life? I mean – there is obviously more, such as a real physical breath here with and as my human physical body – and that is something I miss out upon when and as I accept and allow myself to go into my mind and start projection and creating future scenarios between my ears

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how when I go into my mind – when I follow a projection and go up in my mind and start thinking, worrying, considering, and feeling the future – I am in-fact compromising and belittling my moment here with and as my human physical body, and I’m instead of living, actually participating and being a one and equal force in this physical world – existing in my mind – in a state of suspension – in a state of death – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push and will myself to bring myself back here in every breath – to bring myself back HERE in every moment – to make the decision to not miss out on a single physical moment here – and realize that this is what matters – the physical is real – that is the point that I don’t want to miss out upon whereas my mind is simply energy – a round-and-round machine that doesn’t lead anywhere – and thus not of any value to exist within

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become afraid and worried of letting my projections, and future scenarios go, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear, that if I let my projections and future scenarios go, I am going to loose myself, and I am not going to know what to do with, and how to walk into my future, and how to direct my life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my trust, as to how I am to live, how I am to direct my life, how I am to move myself, into my projections, into fantasies, into fear-experiences, into anxiety, believing that I need something more – something additional in order for me to trust myself and make the decision to move myself in my life – walk through my life and create myself here in this physical world and existence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself, and realize that I don’t require and need fantasies, projections, and fear, and anxiety in order to move myself, in order to establish a plan for myself, and then move according to this plan – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist, and fear letting go of my projections and fantasies, in the fear of being here with myself, in the fear of standing alone in this world, and being alone in this world, taking full responsibility for my life, wherein I am not anymore able to blame my thoughts, my fantasies, my projections for how I move and direct myself through my life, because it’s all me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not will myself to take responsibility – to stand as that point within my life and world as not accepting and allowing myself to be split within me – not accepting and allowing myself to be a house divided against itself – and instead push myself to exist HERE – whole – complete and full in every moment of breath – with all my attention and presence being HERE in this moment and in this breath and not spread, divided and compromised

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when and as I am going into my mind, and I start to think of the future, I am missing a physical moment here with myself – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that gift that I am able to give to myself through actually accepting and allowing myself to let go of, and push through this tendency and habit of mine, to go into my mind, and to become mesmerized by projections, fantasies, and thoughts, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make the decision to be diligent and to be decisive and to immediately as these projections come up – say no – and push through that experience of missing out – and say to myself that I am not missing out upon anything – and that I am really missing out upon something through not accepting and allowing myself to be grounded – stabilized – HERE – with and as my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to stop my future projections, thinking that my future projections are giving me something that I can’t create and establish for myself – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to through future projections emulate the experience of movement – the experience of creation – the experience of challenging myself and pushing myself forward – wherein I will through creating these future projections almost feel as if I am there already – while I am not in-fact – thus fooling myself in believing that I am pushing myself and enhancing myself – and getting ahead – instead of realizing that I am just here – but in my mind thinking about things – and thus I commit myself to re-align this movement to expand – this push to establish and refine myself – and become more effective – as a actual physical and direct expression here – and thus make sure that I each day remain here and physical push myself to expand – to widen – to get out there and to actually make something effective – and worthwhile of myself on a physical actual practical level here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the life is to be lived in moments – that life is to be directed and walked in moments – that life is not supposed to be systematized and built to pursue and realize a purpose of some form – because life is HERE – and thus the same goes with this process – and the same goes with my life – that I will not be able to effectively live if I am constantly somewhere in the future – somewhere ahead in time – somewhere out there that is not actually HERE – and thus I see realize, and understand – that in order to live fully – and order to live completely – I require to let go of my mind and my projections and embrace the HERE – this moment HERE – and walk my process and my life on a physical moment to moment basis – because from HERE I will be able to make sound and effective assessments of my world and accordingly effective decisions

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am going into future projections in my mind, and I don’t want to stop, or bring myself back here, because I feel that I would then be missing out upon something, I breathe, and I state within me that, I will not miss out on anything, because I will gain the physical – a physical real moment of living here – something that is of substance that is a place in existence wherein I have the power and ability to affect change – and make a difference for myself – and thus I commit myself to bring myself back here – and live here – and walk with the physical – and push myself through my tendency and addiction to go into future projections and experiences in my mind

Day 124: Living for the System

Today I have been reading about Comparative Law – and comparative law is as you might have guessed, one of these really obscure and perpetually small theoretical subjects that a small number of excited academic devote their life to – and what they do is that they compare the laws of different nations with each other.

What I found so fascinating as I was reading about the history of comparative law – was the immense time and effort that countless of people throughout the history have put in the “academic evolution” of comparative law – writing their long books about these philosophical and apparently interesting subjects. I mean, literally, they have put their LIFES into this – and at the end – what happens? Well, they die, and the sum of their existence becomes a name in a book that I am reading some 200 years later.

So, as I was reading the memorials of these fantastic dead people that had apparently discovered and realized these amazing things, I asked myself – but why did they do it? I mean, what was their goal? The answer the came up within me was: CAREER – oh yes, they did it because of MONEY, FAME and FORTUNE – and regardless of how pious they presented themselves – the one point it all comes back to is – MONEY.

live-lifeI could then more clearly see where I will take my own life if I continue to strive for, and live for a career, and some supposed happiness out there in the future in the form of money – at best – I will end up in some boring book about 200 years from now, where it is explained how I discovered some average, plain, and tedious thing – a couple of sentences will be awarded to me – and I won’t even know because I will be dead and buried a long time ago.

This is the consequence of living for the system – for money – for fame – for success and power – that one’s entire life pass by in lightning speed and before one realize it – it’s all over – and nothing one have ever done is of any substance or worth – nothing has ever assisted or supported anyone – because it’s all be done for money and in the name of self-interest.

It’s fascinating to see how so many of us come to this earth, and we run around like crazy monkeys absolutely wild to “become something” – to “make it” – and then we do – but then we die – and during our lifetime we never spent a single moment to consider; who am I? What is it that I would like to do? What is it that I see would benefit me and everyone else? Who am I if I remove money from the equation? Who would I be if money weren’t an issue?

Fame, money, success and power are insanely overestimated – and in the end – living for those things is not going to lead anywhere what so ever – and this is why I will push myself to in this life step out of my career seeker character – and do something with my life that I want to do – and that I am not doing because I want to “become something” – and have my name printed in a book that nobody is going read anyway.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is pointless and meaningless to live for the system, as in living to attain fame, success and power – because fact is that – power, fame and success doesn’t exist – and it isn’t real – and at the end of my lifetime all of these things will disappear and I will stand with nothing – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not devote my life towards building myself – building life skills – building life abilities – building my life character – building and working with that of myself which will stand the test of time and which will not disappear and be washed away by the time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend my time wanting and desiring to impress and become something special and important in the system – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that attaining such a position would mean anything, that it would have any form of intrinsic value, and that it would make me a more substantial and stable human being – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, how all these great people, all these apparent leaders and famous one’s – that in the end all go back to the earth and nothing of their life remains – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not devote my life to myself – to life – and to that which stands the test of time and which stands eternal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live to become someone special and unique – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a fear that I will not become something in this life, that I will not get a special and unique career, that I will not get a fantastic and wonderful life that others are jealous of – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how such a life is but a idea – but a façade – but a mirage that isn’t real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the gravestones standing lined up on grave yards prove one simple thing – that in the end – hierarchy doesn’t exist – fame doesn’t exist – specialness doesn’t exist – because in the end we all end up in the earth – and our bodies decompose and return back to soil – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that living for fame and specialness is self-deception – and also – completely ridiculous and unnecessary – because I am in effect devoting my entire life to something that isn’t real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not devote my life to myself – to not devote my time to life and to myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pass up and avoid certain opportunities that open up in world – because I fear that if I walk these opportunities I will not anymore have access to my fantastic and special career that I have imagined myself to have in my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blind myself through holding unto the desire to become someone special and unique – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the entire idea of specialness and uniqueness is a farce – as it doesn’t really exist – and the proof of it’s nonexistence is death – because in death all are equal and nobody dies more or less than another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept myself as an equal – to not accept that I am not special and that I am not unique – and that I am not able to become special and unique – and thus I am able to dedicate my life to something of real value and substance instead; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not dedicate my life to myself – and to bringing forth something that will be of benefit to each and everyone – something that will not just be remembered as a book in 200 years time – but that will be a practical difference that make the life of all better

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to devalue the time I give to myself in the form of writing and applying self-forgiveness – and working with myself – and think that this time is a waste of time – and that I am only using my time for real when I dedicate it to becoming something in the system – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not see, realize and understand that there are billions of beings that have dedicated their life’s towards fame and fortune – and all of these have faced the same fate – death – and in death they have been stripped of all their glory and fortune – proving that none of that is real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not equalize myself to that which is real and of substance – which is this physical world and existence – this physical and practical reality that is here in every moment – and that is here in death – that is here in every moment of breath and that is the same regardless of where I stand in the system; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to devalue and deprioritize that which is real and of real value

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take for granted that which is real – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself take for granted that which is of actual substance, actual worth and actual value – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead place value and worth into my mind – and into the energy of specialness – and into the desire of wanting to become something in the system – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take for granted my physical world and reality that is here in every moment – assisting and supporting me to live – participate and interact – and express myself in this world – and obviously that is of real value and worth – not my mind and the various energies and experiences I have accumulated therein

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am living for a career, living for money, and living to become someone special and unique, and that is recognized and seen as important in the world system, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that real value is not in money, and it’s not in gaining position in the system, it’s not in being recognized – real value is HERE in every moment of breath – and real value is the physical – real value is recognizing myself – and not taking myself for granted – but utilizing my life and the time I have here to develop something that is real and of substance and that will stand the test of time

When and as I see that I am going into and as this energy of desire, as wanting to become remembered, and wanting to have a special life, so that I can feel good about myself – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I am in this moment compromising myself – because I am not accepting and allowing myself to live – I am instead living for something else – living for an energy – living for a dream – living for a imagination – and as such I commit myself to take a breath – bring myself back here – and equalize myself here with and as breath – as the physical – and not anymore be a seeker for something more – but a human being living, breathing and expressing myself here

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Day 121: Fabulous ME

Careers, honor degrees, becoming fabulous, and having a tremendously important life – these are things that I see I have a difficult time letting go – and I see that this limits me in my choices. I become locked into to following a specific life path wherein I analyze and calibrate my decision making to make my dream come true – to be important.

Speaking in more concrete manners, this has been specifically in relation to me making decisions as to how I am going to place myself in the system, how I am going to use my time, and how I think that I will be seen by others – so all of these points I have been directing according within and as the starting point of a urge to earn some form of recognition and status in the system – where I will be seen, I will have the important job, those important responsibilities, I will be heard, noticed, and people will speak about me.

It is fascinating to see that this dream of the fantastic future of self-aggrandizement gives itself of as the road the self-expansion, the road to self-enlightenment, when looking at it in practical manners – what this particular system does is that it locks me into a specific life-path, it constrains my decision making skills, and it holds me back from making decisions that are practical, reasonable, logical and effective – obviously because instead of considering what is practical I only consider how I am in the best possible way able to attain my desires and urges.

One of the questions here is, why is it that I want to become something and someone more? For who is it that I am living? Who is it that I want to recognition from? Why is it so important to me? And the greatest question of them all: why is it that I do not accept myself as that which I desire HERE – make the decision to recognize myself, to realize that I am HERE and that is sufficient, and that adding anything more unto myself here is but a illusion and not the actual reality – because what is real is that I am a physical body HERE – and that this is what I will always be – I will not become a “more” physical body or a “less” physical body depending on my career decisions.

Thus, it is time to let this self-definition go and make myself free to make decisions that are practical – to make me free to place myself in a position in this world where I am effective, yet not necessarily seen, recognized, or considered – I mean, isn’t this what the most important people of our world face? Those that have taken on the menial jobs of our world, that uphold the basic structures of our society and life, nobody cares about them, nobody things they are important, yet still – practically speaking – they do something for others and themselves that have real value and substance.

It is thus not about what others think about me, it is rather what I do, and in particular, who I am within what I am doing – because when I am clear in why it is that I do something and it is a self-honest and clear decision that I have made – there is really nothing more to ask as that is perfection.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become caught in the illusion of wanting to become more, wanting to become better, wanting to be someone recognized, important, seen and loved – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a conflict within myself, where I on the one hand want and desire that life of fame and importance, and on the other hand see that there are other points in my world that I can walk, though that hold no such connotation of importance and specialness, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how it is that I am limiting myself, withholding myself, and locking myself into a limited life path through holding unto this desire and hope of becoming someone in the world system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I am in searching for, living for, making my decisions and choices according to an urge of becoming someone, strengthening the enslavement of this world system, that is based in hierarchies, where people step on each others faces to reach a higher standard of living, and a better, more famous position, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not unconditionally accept and allow myself to let go of this possession, of this inferiority, and fear that lies in the foundation of my movement towards a “greater future” to as such instead turn my eyes inwards and ask myself the question, without conditions, who am I, and what is it that I want to do in my life?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow and believe that this urge coming up within me, is me, and that it implies, and would be a failure if I am not able to manifest the pictures that this urge bring up within me, as me standing in the forefront, in some important position, with people by all my sides asking for my advice and marveling at my cunningness, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there is so much more to life, so much more to me, than merely following this urge – and that I can instead make decision and living according to what is practical – according to what see is relevant and effective, according to what I see will contribute to a life that is best for all, and that won’t necessarily become anything at all in the eyes of others in walking such a position, but that it doesn’t matter – it doesn’t mean anything – because what is relevant is that I know who I am – that I know what I am doing and why I am doing it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the energy I experience as pride and superiority in imagining myself having a great position in the system, is real and implies real pride and real superiority – while it is really but limited energies of the mind that I have become addicted to and that I have defined myself according to – and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to investigate and research what is real pride, what is real dignity and what is real superiority – isn’t this to stand clear and act according to practical principles? Isn’t this to in-fact be self-motivated and self-disciplined in creating a world that is best for all and creating a life for myself that is best for myself – and that isn’t driven by any form of idea of superiority

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my decisions in life be motivated by a desire and urge to become more than others, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within and as a stance and state of inferiority, thinking that as long as I am not better and more than others, than I am nothing at all – instead of accepting and allowing myself to be content with myself here in the understanding that I am equal and one – and that regardless of position I am of the same dust as each and everyone else – and that this idea of becoming more than, better than, is really but an idea and a illusion that serves no other purpose but to separate myself from reality here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from what is practical – from what is relevant – from what is common sense – through walking my life within and as a desire of becoming more than, of proving myself to others, of becoming famous and recognized as having some form of superior value – and as such I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the inferiority I place myself into in living in this way – and that I am limiting myself extensively by looking at my future, and looking my life from a starting point of desires and urges – when I instead could look at what is practical, what is it that I want to create in life from a starting point of self-honesty? What is it that I want to contribute to in life?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed within and as the desire to gain a position in the system wherein others see me as being more than, and as being special – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not motivate myself to stop this constant search for more – and realize that more is HERE – more is LIFE as LIVING HERE within and as breath standing one and equal with and as the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard this physical reality, to disregard practicality, in the favor of the fear and desire relationship of becoming less and becoming more – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of and as this energy and this possession and accept and allow myself to accept myself HERE regardless of position – regardless of where I am – regardless of job and income – and realize that my value is not defined by what I do – but that my value is defined by WHO I AM – and that my value is defined by what I am able to contribute and give in relation to creating a world that is best for all in all ways

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the solution to my life is not to follow energies, but to remove all energies, because only in not having a single energy moving within me am I able to see clearly what direction would be effective – where I would be effective – where I would be able to place myself and use my skills to bring forth a world that is really beneficial – fantastic and wonderful and all aspects – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed within and as fears, and desires, and believe that these fears and desires are real, and that these fears and desires constitute my life – not realizing that my life is HERE – that life is HERE – that as such there is nothing to reach and become because life is here and life is fulfillment – life is completion – life doesn’t become more and life doesn’t become less because life is life

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am going into and as this state of being, as a surge of energy, looking at my life from a starting point of how I can attain a position of superiority, and more than, and specialness, and being above others, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this energy is a illusion and that it doesn’t represent reality – it doesn’t show what is real – and it is limiting me from making decisions and living in a way that is truly beneficial and effective; as such I commit myself to stop myself – bring myself back here – and look at my life practically – to look at what is effective not from energy – but from a starting point of what is real and what is practical and what is common sense

When and as I see that I am going into a conflicted state of being, wherein I am fighting with myself, in fears and desires, looking at my life from a starting point of what I desire and what I fear, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I commit myself to not anymore polarize my life into fears and desires – but instead bring it all back here to and as the physical – and ask myself – what is practical – what is relevant – what is common sense? And make decisions according to what is practical and not according to my feelings in a particular matter

I commit myself to honor myself as the physical and look at life as a physical grounded – flesh and blood – human being here – wherein I don’t move myself to gain energies, and experiences, but I move myself according to what is practical common sense

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CommitmentsWikipedia: Commitments is a drama film released in 2001 on television by BET. The movie stars Allen Payne and Victoria Dillard, focusing on the relationship that grows between Fox Giovanni and Van Compton.

Day 109: Living Up To My Ideals

Today I would like to write about self-judgment. This is a point that during the last days have been accumulating within me.

The context of this self-judgment, as it comes up within me, is that I will have, during my day, said or done something which I in hindsight believe haven’t been up to standards – it was the wrong thing to say, it was stupid to say, to was ridiculous to say – and the thought coming up within me in the moment, as I look back on the event – is a big NO – I shouldn’t have said or done that!

In connection with this thought an experience of embarrassment together with anxiety arise within me, and I can see that I am within my mind, looking at myself from the perspective of how I believe others see me – I look at myself from a third person view, and create these various thoughts towards myself, as I see myself act and behave and speak.

When I look at how I’ve behaved and acted in self-honesty, I am able to see that there isn’t necessarily anything wrong or bad with what I’ve said or done – mostly it’s these very minor mistakes, or errors, as I perceive them; such as for example: yesterday I was in school, and decided to speak on a particular subject, yet the point didn’t come out very clearly, and I also became nervous and shaky in my voice as I shared the point – I mean, looking at this, it’s obvious that this is not in anyway severe or bad and something that I in the future, in all ways should attempt and try to avoid – it was simply me not being clear on a point, and then as I shared it, my communication and sharing of the point reflected how I wasn’t yet effectively standing and being clear as to what it was I communicated.

What I see being the solution, is that I must be more gentle with myself, and accept and allow myself to make mistakes – also as experiences come up from within me, what I tend to do is that I judge myself for having these experiences come up within me, instead of accepting and allowing myself to be gentle and patient, and get to know the points, get to know myself – and change myself – not from a starting point of blame and self-judgment – but from within and as a starting point of being gentle with myself.

I can also see this point of hardness not only coming through within, but I also express it outwardly, and it reveals in how I deal with, and direct relationships in my direct world – I tend to be very harsh, brutal and inconsiderate – and the motto I hold is the one of “Do it now, and do it right!” – instead of realizing that with some points, this stance isn’t very effective at all – because some points do require another approach – a more gentle, considerate and soft approach – which is something that I will work with; to allow myself to be gentle with myself and others in my world.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hard on myself, judge myself, be angry at myself, and frustrated when I perceive that I am doing mistakes, when I am faulting, and when I am not behaving as I perceive that I should behave and experience myself, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be gentle with myself, to not be more soft in my approach with myself – and within this accept and allow myself to make mistakes and not judge myself for doing such

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hard on myself and judge myself when I make mistakes, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect from myself that I will always do everything perfect immediately, and I will not in anyway fail, and make a mistake – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be inconsiderate towards myself, wherein I am not taking myself into account, but simply expecting of myself that I will do what is necessary to be done, not questions asked, I will get the point immediately, no questions asked – and if I don’t – well then I am apparently a complete failure who must be punished

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to punish myself within myself, to go into and as these punishing sprees within my mind, wherein I am berating myself, thinking that I am not good enough – why didn’t I immediately walk through this point, why do I experience myself like this, why haven’t I yet changed this particular point? And within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be gentle with myself, and accept and allow myself to move slowly, to open up one point at a time, and to when I make decisions in my world, to take myself into account as who I am here – and not as the idea of who I want to be that exists within my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an idea in my mind of who and what I want to be, that I compare myself with, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be gentle with myself, be caring and loving towards myself, wherein I do not accept and allow myself to be harsh and judgmental with myself, but wherein I instead take things slowly, walk points as fast as I am able to walk them, and I do not expect more of myself than what I am currently able and capable of walking effectively

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect more from myself than what I am able to practically and effectively walk, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be caught in a state of expectation, that I should be, express and experience myself as I see in my mind, as the idea I’ve created of who and what I should be, instead of accepting and allowing myself to be HERE with myself, and realize that this what I am here in this moment, this is what is real, this is what is of actual physical reality – and the ideals existing in my mind – that is not real – that is a idea of who and what I should be and not what and who I really am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not walk practically, physically here in this physical world, and thus work with myself on a very simplistic, basic, physical level – working with myself as I am here in this moment, and thus not expecting of myself that I should be or experience myself as something more than what I am here – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto this perception and idea that I must behave as this self-realized human being, that exists in my mind, and that I must also experience myself as this self-realized human-being that exists within and as my mind – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is that I am limiting myself, and creating consequences for myself when I expect myself to be and behave as something that I am not yet able to stand and live as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I should be able to stand and live as the idea of myself that I’ve created in my mind, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is that I am limiting myself, and create huge consequences for myself, when I constantly go and hold unto this dream image of who I should be – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself here – and live in a idea of who I should be – instead of seeing who I am here – and working with who I am here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that judging myself for mistakes that I’ve made is irrational, because it implies that I am holding unto a idealized version of myself in my mind that apparently shouldn’t have made the mistake that I did – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I did do that particular mistake, and that this is the reality of who I am, and that it’s nothing bad, or wrong – it’s simply the reality of who I am here – and thus I am able to take this point – work with it – and instead push myself to in practical physical reality stabilize myself and learn from my mistakes and upgrade myself in real-time application

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto a ideal of who I should be that I compare myself with, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when it is that I do not stand and live up to this ideal existing within and as my mind – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of all ideals, let go of all desires of who and what I should be, and instead work with who I am here – bring myself back here to and as my human physical body – to breath – to being here with myself – and realize that this is what is real – and thus this is what I must work with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my ideals of who I should be aren’t real, but are in-fact only existing in my mind, as ideas, as believes, as hopes, as experiences – and thus to compare myself towards these is simply irrational – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when and as I make a mistake, that this is nothing bad, it’s nothing to judge, it’s nothing to put blame on myself for – it’s simply is what it is – and it’s a opportunity for me to correct myself, to get to know myself better, to make my application more effective, more specific – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath, and bring myself back here to myself – and accept and allow myself to work with myself as what is here

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am judging myself, through comparing myself with an ideal in my mind of how I should be, how I should behave, how I should experience myself, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I am limiting myself and creating consequences for myself, because I am trying to live up to something in my mind that isn’t real and practical – and thus I commit myself to work with myself directly here – and not exist in my mind in ideas of who I should be – but instead breath and be here with who and what I am here for real

When and as I see that I am going into judgment, and comparison – and I think that I’ve made a terrible mistake, a terrible error, because I’ve not lived up to the ideas I have of myself in my mind, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that these ideas of myself aren’t real, and only serve to create friction within me, wherein I attempt and try to live up to something, and create myself as something, that isn’t in-fact practical and real; thus I commit myself to be with myself here – to work with what is here as myself in-fact instead of judging what is here as myself

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