Tag Archives: blunder

Day 275: Paranoia – The Fear of Forgetting Things

forgetting-thingsParanoia when it comes to forgetting and missing things, that is a point that has been recurring for me recently. In my line of work, it is all about the details, and here I am not exaggerating – it is ALL about the details. Hence it is different from ‘normal’ life in the sense that, when in your normal day-to-day living, you do not necessarily have to be very focused, specific or thorough. You can get by in a state of half-awareness; do things sloppily, and half-assed – your life will still work out quite okay.

However, in my line of work, you cannot do that. This has thus been a big change for me. The way I have handled this is through paranoia, were I have basically utilized fear/anxiety to drive me to constantly check if I have forgotten something. This is not effective for several reasons, though primarily; it is not effective because I go into a emotional state, thus investing energy in being emotional, forgetting my physical living/application HERE. And also, existing in a state of paranoia makes me mentally unstable, were I am not effective/specific when it comes to directing my life, and making decisions – because what takes precedence is the experience – not my actual physical movement and participation HERE.

I have looked at solutions and found that to support myself to become more thorough, detailed and specific, and not miss details that must be remembered, I am able to: 1) Establish systems and routines for certain points in my work 2) Use stickers, notes and a calendar to keep track of times and what must be done at what time 3) Be FULLY HERE, AWARE and FOCUSED when I apply myself in my job, so that I am certain that I actually walked all the points required.

Another aspect of this paranoia is that it only comes up in relation to work/career. Fact is that I am not particularly good at remembering things, being specific, thorough and detailed outside of the office, however, because there is no money at stake in my leisure time, I do not care as much. Thus, this shows me that the real, underlying core fear is that of survival and money. I fear losing money, I fear not being able to survive, and that is the driving force. This is also interesting, that I require having money, and a fear of survival to drive me to develop skills such as thoroughness, being specific and detailed.

Another aspect of having fear of survival and money as my current motivation is that I do not approach my work in a supportive manner – because if would be no fear, what come through is a curiosity, and a desire to expand and learn – a desire to become more effective at what I am doing. Then there is no fear involved, instead it is a genuine interest to empower myself and become the best that I can be that drives me forward – and that is obviously a far more potent and healthy source of motivation than fear and stress. When I motivate myself because I want to improve, then there is no fear or anxiety that preoccupies me, instead I am clear, physical, stable – moving myself in every breath to become the best that I can be.

Hence, it is clear, that this paranoia, and fear is something that I can replace with a genuine drive and care to improve and expand myself – both in my work and home environment.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not change my starting point in relation to work, so that instead of being fear driven, I drive myself forward from within and as the desire to improve myself, to become better and more effective, to enhance myself, and to empower myself in learning more skills and abilities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not establish systems and routines to make sure that I do not forget anything when it comes to preparing myself and working through my responsibilities and commitments in relation to work and home life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand – that paranoia is a outflow consequence of me not being present – directive and aware – and certain in what I am doing – and that there as such is room for me to improve – so that I become thorough and specific in all and everything that I take on and walk

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that all reactions of the mind have their gifts – that there is something that I can learn and take with me to expand and empower myself – and with paranoia and this process in my work – it is that I can learn to be more specific, thorough and focused – and create these skills within me – and learn how to be prepared and certain on who I am in relation to the points in my life that I have taken responsibility for

Self-commitment statements

When and as I notice myself wanting to go into a state of fear/paranoia, that I have forgotten or missed something, I take a breath, I stop, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that these experiences cannot help me in my line of work, that I will not empower myself through giving into these experiences, and that instead, I can only empower and truly create myself through physically living, and building myself as words – and thus I commit myself to live specificity within me – through double checking the informationseeing whether I have forgotten anything – and then let it go if I reach the conclusion that no I haven’t forgotten anything

I commit myself to practice using routines and systems to make sure that I do not jump a step in my work – and that I walk all the necessary steps required in relation to my work responsibilities

I commit myself to practice being thorough and slowing myself down when working with my responsibilities – to make sure that I do not miss a step

I commit myself to have my starting point and motivation be that of me wanting to expand and improve myself and become the best that I can be in relation to my work – and thus I commit myself to stop fear and instead use my desire to improve and grow as the WHY of my movement forward

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Day 153: Social Blunder

Today I had an entertaining event occur in my life, which was the following:

I was at work, standing by the coffee machine, making a cup for myself, and at that point my colleague comes by – and I decide to strike up a conversation. We started talking, walking at the same time – now – my plan and direction was the dining room – because I was going to have my lunch – and so as we walked – this person veered of into another direction, and I followed, only to later realize that – OMG – this was not the direction the dining room – lol; so, at this point I realized that I must turn around and get back to the right direction, which would take me to the dining room – yet – here occurred the fascinating reaction – I felt embarrassed and fearful of saying to my colleague that I was not going in the direction in which she was going – because apparently that would make me rude – as well – well somewhat of a stalker – because here I was following my colleague around even though I wasn’t going in the same direction.

So, I designed the perfect plan, I veered of, seemingly by purpose, into another direction, and avoided the seemingly social embarrassing situation instead of having to say that – “Hey this is not the direction I am going in – I am going to eat my food in the dining room – see you!”

Thus, what I see here is that this situation is a result of my tendency to want to be liked, accepted, and not in anyway incur any ‘negative’ reactions in others – through me being what I perceive to be as unfriendly – and the origin point – and the word I see that I’ve yet to establish as myself is self-worth – to realize that regardless of what another thinks or see’s in me – this doesn’t define who I am – and thus within this to accept and allow myself to approach people, and move in social settings without fear, or trying to be pleasurable to others – because that is actually a pattern with its origin in fear.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of being boorish, or making a bad impression on others, through not being perceived as nice, pleasurable, or comfortable, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself, and change myself around human beings, in order to make sure that they like me, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being direct, and straight-forward with people in my world, in fear that they are going to think that I’m strange, insane, or not likable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move myself around people from within and as a starting point of fear, as fearing that I will not be liked, and that I will not fit in, and that I will not be considered as normal, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto a idea of myself as thinking that I am inferior and less than others, and that I must make myself more when I am around others to get to their level of worth, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live, walk and participate with others as equal value, and equal worth – as seeing, realizing, and understanding that I am neither more than or less than

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that beings in my world are going to create a negative impression of me, and that they are going associate me with words such as strange, stalker, weird, and not likable, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move, motivate, and direct myself from within and as this starting point of a fear that I won’t be liked, and that I won’t be loved, and that I won’t fit in, and within that attempt and try to change myself so that I can fit in, and so that I can be accepted, and so that I can be someone that others find to be likable, and that they define as fitting in and being part of the gang

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am participating with others, to move myself from within and as this starting point of feeling that I must be a part of the gang, that I must be a part of the group, that I must be accepted, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into this insecurity, and inferiority when and as I am participating with others, wherein I am worried about how my movement, and direction is going to influence others, and what they are going to think about me when I speak, or move myself in a particular manner, or direction – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think more about how others see me, than giving attention to me living, participating and directing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not when I participate and interact with others, place my attention on my solar plexus, and in my body, at the tip of my fingers, and at the tip of my toes, and be aware of myself here, and thus participate with others as an physical equal – direct here within and as my human physical body and not existing in a separate state of mind – in a experience, or thought – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive, and believe that I need experience, and I need my mind to participate with others – instead of realizing that I only require myself as my awareness – standing direct with and my human physical body – and participating directly – physically – here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand as the courage of living self-honesty, wherein I dare to live me and express me without fearing how others might interpret or see me – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive and believe that I am not yet ready to stand up as the courage of living self-honesty, and that I first require to dabble in this fear, and then eventually moving myself out of it, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not establish this point of direct transcendence, and direct movement from mind to self-correction, wherein I immediately as I see that I go into a reaction, thought, or a mind pattern, that I move myself to self-support – and immediately start the process of walking through the point coming up within me

Self-commitment statements

I commit myself to practice living the courage of living self-honesty – applying this courage as standing with breath – remaining with my human physical body – and when participating with others – making sure that I walk, participate and interact from within and as a starting point of me as breath – as a physical being here – and that I as such stop myself when going into fear – and take the step into the unknown as walking self-honesty here

I commit myself to practice living the word of self-worth – walking and applying this word in such a way that I worth and value myself – remaining here with myself in every moment of breath – and that when I notice I go into a fear as to how others value me, or see me, that I stop myself, bring myself back here – and stand as my own point of equal value here – as my human physical body – as breath – realizing that I am equally valuable as everyone else – as a physical equal point in this existence