Tag Archives: body

Day 386: HEa(LL)th and Investigating the Limitations of Defining Self According to Body Image

Body image, we give it so much value, even though it is not that important, because at the end of the day how much of our self-experience is dependent upon what we look like? Not much. In-fact, because we obsess about our body image, we miss the qualities/characteristics that are of real importance in our life’s. Skills such as communication, trustworthiness, understanding, empathy and various other types of expressions – that is what determines our life – and unless we develop those – we will not be able to experience life or ourselves to its fullest.

Lately, I have faced my body image ideas/judgments more intensely – and in particular in relation to how I have connected body image to the word health. I am in this blog going to investigate, through self-forgiveness, my relationship with body image and health – and how I have come to limit these two words by defining/seeing superficially and only as an observer.
Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define health as having a body that is fit, athletic and thin

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define health as looking good, as having a perfect body image, as looking perfect, looking nice, looking beautiful and getting positive attention because of that

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define health as being accepted by others and noticed by others because of how I look like

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit and judge my body according to its image and define it as either healthy or unhealthy depending on the image – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose touch with my body as the physical matter that is beyond looks

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the better I look the more healthy I will become

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the better I look that the happier I will be, and the better sex I will have, and the more peaceful I will be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the outcome of my life is dependent upon how I look

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the outcome of my life, my future, my process, is dependent on how I look

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the body image all important, to define myself according to body image, and to worry about body image, not seeing, realizing and understanding that body image does not determine who I am, body image does not determine whether I am healthy or not, and I cannot, by merely looking at myself in a mirror, establish a relationship with my human physical body – and hence I see, realize and understand that, that solution is in embracing the physical – my human physical body – without reference to the image – to breathe and ground myself into the very cells, into each and every breath, into my muscles, into my bones, and to feel my body – and to discipline myself to only relate to my body through this depth of connection

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand, get to know, become intimate with my human physical body, through connecting with my body in the depths of its existence – through connecting with my body in each and every breath – where I breathe in and feel all of my body as how it really feels like beyond image, looks, and judgments – and thus I commit myself to BREATHE – I commit myself to each time I want to relate to my body through judgment – to take a deep breath and instead move myself inwards – move myself into my body – into the flesh of my physical body – and see, realize and understand that this is where the solution lies – that is where I can establish a real, sustainable and deep relationship with my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to adopt the beliefs of my parents and friends, thinking that I can determine the nature and condition of my body by merely looking at it, not seeing, realizing and understanding that as with all things, in order to understand them, I have to immerse myself, I have to get my hands dirty, I have to move inwards and look at the point from within as how it really exists, one and equal – and thus I commit myself to through effective BREATHING, through progressive muscle relaxation, and through reading up on and studying the functions of the physical body – practice and build a relationship with my human physical that goes beyond image and looks and that is deep, fulfilling – and based on UNDERSTANDING

 


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Day 325: Remembering Balance

Remembering balance, this is something that I must push myself to do. I find it to be easy to me to loose myself in especially, career and future projections, hopes and desires of what I would be able to do, and how I would be able to feel out there, and then, forgetting about my life HERE. This way of living, where the future becomes more prominent than the present is a trait that has matured and developed as I have come of age, because as a kid, there was ONLY the present. And as a kid, there was no projection of a fulfilling future, because the present was sufficient.

I do see that as an adult it is important to have the skills of planning, foresight, and patience, as creating in this world, regardless of what it might, requires consistent action over space and time, nothing of magnitude can be created in but one moment. However, the great misunderstanding is to misinterpret a plan for the future, with the idea that fulfillment is as well awaiting us in the future. This feeling of a future fulfillment and completion is NOT real, and regardless of how convincing the inner experience might feel, it is very important to remember, that fulfillment is HERE, that LIFE is HERE, that self-expression is HERE, that physical LIVING is HERE. Even though I might realize and bring into fruition a complicated plan, the fact does not change, LIFE can only be created/lived/experienced HERE.

Hence, this is way balance is important, the balance between physical living/enjoyment/creation/expression HERE and planning/looking ahead/considering. Many adults seem to loose that balance as they come of age, and their lives become mundane, repetitive, walked as a routine, and not HERE as LIFE. And it is clear when comparing adults with children, the latter are so vibrant, happy, excited, filled with expression and experience, as they interact with their reality. And it is not about adults being more ‘wise’ and that adults have ‘seen’ and ‘understood’ what is all about, it is that adults are more in their heads, more in their memories, more in past experiences, and future projections, and hence in a way numb to experience the reality that is around and the life that is within them.

I have found that there are practical ways to retain, foster, and expand that child-like expression, for example, through pushing myself to be aware of my breath. Through being here with my breathing, I am able to keep myself with my human physical body, and also see when I venture into my mind and future projects, to then bring myself back here, into physical living. Further, placing my attention on the tip of my toes and fingers assist and support with presence, and bring my life expression INTO the physical, and hence, not accepting and allowing myself to let myself go to waste, through being locked up in a small area between my shoulders called the mind. I have thus realized, that birthing life in the physical, is about bringing our life presence HERE through a dedicated moment-to-moment application, where we each time we notice ourselves to be in the mind, bring ourselves BACK here, back into the physical.

Hence, PRESENCE, learning to live and apply this word in daily living is a key in retaining balance – because in being PRESENT here – I am also able to see when it is that I have ventured to far into a particular aspect of my life and there is a need for me to step back, gather and ground myself. And PRESENCE is a simple word to apply, it does not matter where we are, or what we do, as we can ALWAYS practice to remain present, aware, and HERE within what we do. It does not matter if we are obliged to think and project in our professional capacity, because even within that it is possible to remain present. And when we are present, life opens up to us in a completely different way than otherwise, we are suddenly aware of the nuances, the details, the small unnoticed points of our life, that we would usually have glanced over, as would if we would have been occupied in our minds.

Day 274: Getting Out Into The System

office-partyIn my process of birthing myself as life from the physical I have had the tendency of isolating myself from the rest of the world. I have always thoroughly enjoyed my own company, and the process of writing, and applying self-forgiveness, and designing self-corrective statements have never been any hurdles to me. Hence, if given the choice of for example going to some type of festivity or being at home with myself – without exceptions I have opted for the latter. This has its pros and cons. The pro is that I have developed a deep and intimate relationship with myself, because I have spent so much time investigating myself. The con is that because I do not get out very often, I have not had the feedback/stimuli of the system in my daily living to measure where I am in my process and where I still need to put down more time and effort to change.

So, yesterday I was part of a festive occasion. Many people, alcohol, food, and all of those things we tend to associate with festivities was present. Now, the one thing I noticed about myself at this festivity was that I was not comfortable in speaking and interacting to others when it came to these ‘social’ and supposedly ‘fun’ and ‘witty’ conversations. I am not sure whether you, the reader, can relate, but what I am trying to describe is those interactions were the two participants are ‘supposed’ to be in a light, playful, and witty mode, and have some form bantering. On the television we can find this type of witty banter in for example talk shows.

However, I am not comfortable with these witty banters, and actually, I am not very comfortable with the entire scenario of ‘forced socialization’ that occurs at parties. I tend to become anxious, nervous, and held back in my expression – and as far as I can see – the reason for this is because I do not trust myself. Instead of me allowing myself to be me, I am trying to be someone/something that I believe is fitting to occasion of a ‘festivity’ – for example: A funny and enjoyable person.

It was very interesting to observe my reactions towards others at this party. And in particular this experience within me that I did not feel as if I was ‘funny enough’ or ‘social enough’ or ‘into the atmosphere’ enough. And when I spoke to people, a recurring thought within me was: ‘Wow, they must probably think that I am boring to be around’. This shows my current relationship with festivities and social interactions – I believe that I must be something – that I must play a part and that I am not enough by myself. Because if I would have been relaxed, and at ease with myself – ACCEPTING MYSELF UNCONDITIONALLY – there would not have been any nervousness or anxiety. Instead I would have walked into the environment, clear on who I am and where I am standing, clear on the point that I define who I am.

What I see as a solution to this experience of me holding myself back, becoming stiff, and stale around others, is for me to practice self-acceptance – and self-acceptance in this instance would be for me to remain with breath and accept and allow my genuine natural expression to come through. Thus, not try to emulate anything more or less – not try to hide parts of myself, or reinforce others, not try to make a show – instead breathing – being relaxed in my body – and interacting naturally – and within this being at peace with the fact that others might not define/see me as funny or enjoyable to be with. But – why should I accept and allow that to bother me? If I am accepting myself, if I am fulfilling myself, if I am standing with myself, there nothing amiss regardless of how my environment responds.

The solution hence: SELF-ACCEPTANCE – SELF-LOVE – and LIVING these words through bringing myself back myself here when I am approaching a social situation – making sure that I stand stable within myself and that my starting point is here – with and as my human physical body – that I feel my breath – that I feel the tips of my toes – that I feel the tips of my fingers – that I make sure my back is straight and that I am not slouching – that I am physically HERE in the way I present my physical body – Living the statement that – THIS IS WHO I AM – I AM HERE.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to emulate an expression of being enjoyable, or fun to be with, when speaking with others, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to fit in, and be normal, and express myself as others would expect me to, when it comes to witty bantering, and being part of social circumstances

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to emulate an expression of me being normal and fitting in – and thus within this tighten myself – go into a experience of pressure and strictness/control within myself – where I try to read the situation and put forth a face that I hope others will accept – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I am not accepting and allowing myself to be stable within – and live self-acceptance – live self-love – and bring through that point into reality through not accepting and allowing myself to try to be as I think that others want me to be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to be like I believe others want me to be – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being myself in fear that others are not going to accept me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being accepted by others – believing that if others do not accept me this will put my survival at risk in this world – and this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate my survival to others accepting me – instead of understanding that survival and me directing this point is not so much about acceptance from others – as it is about me standing disciplined and committed in relation to the points in my world that are the source of income for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being accepted by others – believing that others acceptance of me is vital for my survival – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise and suppress my genuine natural self-expression to be accepted by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel worthless, and filled with emotions of sadness, and disgust, when I believe that someone is not accepting me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value these emotions and believe that they are signifying something real – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that emotions are merely energy – that I have built up through participating in a polarity of feeling/emotion – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not instead bring myself back to and as my human physical body – and push myself to have that be my starting point of self-creation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change myself around others to fit in – and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted my natural genuine self-expression – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that there is something wrong with the way I am naturally – and believe that I am not sufficiently expressive and warm with others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change myself around others in fear of being rejected – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define rejection within and as emotional experiences – instead of understanding that rejection is simply a physical pushing away – and does not mean that I am less than – or worthless – or that I require to judge myself in someway or another – hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself and believe that I am not right the way I am naturally and in my genuine self-expression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is appropriate and normal to change myself around others and to have several faces towards the world – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my shape shifting personality through thinking that the way I am naturally will never be accepted – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is not about being accepted – but about me accepting myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it is not about being accepted by others – but that it is about me accepting and recognizing myself – me allowing my genuine and real expression to come through – me trusting myself and not accepting and allowing myself to loose balance and touch with myself when I visit festivities and when I am out in the system moving around

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself with others in system – and believe that I need/should be like them – and have the same personal relationships – the same type of social interaction – and be similar to others – and think that there is something wrong with me when I am not living/participating as others – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there is not necessarily something wrong with me – that it could instead be – simply that I am not the same as others – that I do not work in the same way – that I do not function in the same way – and thus that my express and living is not the same as what others expression/living is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tense up when interacting with others in the form of witty bantering – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I am tensing up – because I do not know how to be – how to behave – what to express – what to show around another to ‘fit in’ – and this is the problem – that I am trying to ‘fit in’ – instead of me accepting and allowing myself to be natural and genuine – to be myself and not try to be something more than myself – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I do not have to be this social machine of perfection

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an expectation within me that I should be able to fit in with people – that I should be able to create a funny, comfortable social situation – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it is not necessarily so all the time – that sometimes I might not have anything in common with another – and thus there is nothing to talk about really – and – that is completely okay – I do not have to force points – I do not have to force a social comfortableness – it is okay that things are at times systematic and not in anyway personal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to force a social feeling of belonging to my work environment – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want my work to become more than my work – to want my relationships with colleagues to be more than practical and systematic relationships – and believe that there is something bad with designing and planning my relationships to be systematic and practical – and within this I see, realize and understand that there is no such problem – that sometimes a relationship can only come to its fullest potential when the relationship is practical and systematic – and there is no personal shit involved – it is all about the context of that particular relationship – where in the context of work – the fullest potential of a relationship would be to as effectively as possible complete the work with the utmost quality possible

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am going into a pressure and state of anxiety, and strictness within myself, when communicating or interacting with people in my world, I stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back to my body here, and I see, realize and understand that I am in this moment trying to force myself into a particular expression/picture – and that I am not accepting and allowing myself to be genuine, natural and real – and to express myself comfortably within my body – and thus I commit myself to take a deep breath in – to relax my muscles – relax my body – to let go – and to accept and allow myself to respond naturally and genuinely I that moment – not trying to force or emulate – but simply sharing myself here

When and as I see myself go into a physical state of being tense, when communicating and speaking with another, or being in some social gathering, or festivity, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I am in this moment not accepting and allowing myself to naturally flow in my expression, but that I am trying to be something that I am not, I am trying to show myself as something that I am not, I am trying to be a person, and something or others, to be accepted – and thus I commit myself to relax my muscles – to place my attention and focus on my breath and breathe myself back into my physical body – and state within myself that – I accept myself – I love myself – I accept and allow myself to stand and move in this moment – being genuine and real

Day 261: Creating Movement – Part 5: Practical Solutions for Resistance

In this blog we are going to look closer at some practical solutions for resistance, that I have found works effectively. There are four applications that I have discovered helps a lot when that resistance comes up from within – and I will be walking through them in order.

Be clear on you new direction

The first solution is to be clear on your direction. In order to be able to walk through that tough, and difficult moment, when the resistance comes up, and you do not feel like doing anything, it is important that you have your direction in place. Basically this means the following: You know WHY you are changing, you know HOW you are going to change, you know WHAT will happen if you do not change (consequences) and you know WHAT will happen if you change (rewards).

If you are not clear on these points within yourself, you are going to find it much easier to give in, and give up when the resistance towards movement comes up from within. The reason for this being that you have not established a purpose, and reason for yourself, you are trying to change something, yet you are not entirely clear on why, how and what you are changing. Thus, my suggestion is that you sit down with yourself, and write out your reasons for changing.

Lets take an example from my own life, my law-studies. Now I experienced resistance towards studying and reading the course literature, though I knew that I had to do it in order to be able to pass my exams. Thus, I wrote about the point and established the following: I am changing this resistance into actually reading my books BECAUSE (why) I want to be able to earn my living as a lawyer. I will change this resistance through (how) sitting down and reading my books for two hours every day. If I do not do this for myself, I might not be able to pass my exams, and thus I cannot become a lawyer (consequence). Though if I do sit down and read the literature, I will pass my exams, and be able to have a enjoyable and challenging job in my future (reward).

Placing it before myself in this way I was able to clearly see the value in changing myself, and why I had to do it – and this helped me to push through in those moments when I did not feel like reading or putting down any time in my education.

Stick with your body

The next solution is to Stick With Your Body. Now, what does that mean? Well, look at it this way: Resistance is a energy that comes up from within, telling you to act and behave in a certain way – and this energy will feel real and overpowering when you go into it, start feeding it, paying attention to it, and change yourself according to it. But, if we take a look at your physical body – you will see that regardless of the resistance that comes up within you, it will still be there, the heart will still be beating, lungs and breathing working perfectly – most parts of the body will be stable, still and the same as before the resistance – and this is important to notice.

Resistance as such does not affect the body and instead the body moves itself on the basis of practical considerations, and if it would not do that – we would be dead a long time ago. Thus, if you, instead of going into the resistance energy, place your focus and attention on your breathing, and the sensations of your physical body – this will allow you to use the body as a point of grounding/stabilization. And when you stand with the body, on the ground, you are going to notice a fascinating thing: The resistance does not have power over you – it is only a energy – and regardless of its intensity you are still able to decide on how you move within and as your human physical body.

To sum it up: The body/physical matter transcends resistance – and when you stand with the body – you will be able to use its stability and groundedness to support yourself to move through the resistance and come out on the other side.

Know your enemy

The third solution is to know your enemy, and with this I do not mean that you should go into war with resistance and your mind – no – what I mean is that it is important to understand how resistance moves, and when it moves. My observations on this point is that resistance moves in quickly, and will peak after a while, but if you continue to move through the resistance, it will run out of fuel and die out. As such – resistance does not last – it has a due date and if you stick to your guns, and continue to move, resistance does not stand a chance.

Accordingly it has been supportive to me to, every time a resistance comes up within me, say to myself that: ‘Okay, here are you resistance – though you will not be here for ever!’ – and then I continue to push and walk through the experience. This helps because you get to understand that even though it feels overwhelming and tough, there will come a moment when the resistance is going to dissipate and you will be home through.

And then – its also supportive to know WHEN the resistance usually arise, because then you will be prepared, you will know what is coming, so that you can implement your new direction immediately as you sense that lingering urge to just not do whatever it is that you are supposed to be doing.

Just do it

The last point, and possibly the most potent of all the solutions I have walked through, and by far the most simplistic, is to: Just do it. No rocket science here – though fascinatingly enough – we tend to forget this fact and instead of moving, and directing ourselves in the physical, we start asking ourselves why we do not change, if there is something we have missed, or if there is something wrong with us, because we just cannot seem to change. I am here to tell you that there is nothing wrong with you; all you have to do is to do it. When you resist something, you take a breath, and move yourself to do it. It cannot be simpler.

So, when you find that you are wondering, or looking at potential reasons as to why you are not becoming more disciplined, then you know that ‘Shit! I am not actually DOING it!’ – and this serves as a nice alarm to know that its now time for you to get on with the doing – stop thinking about it – Just do it!

Next blog

So, these are my four practical solutions for dealing with resistance. Test them out, play around with them, and see what works for you. Maybe you will find that a combination of the applications or slightly changed application will work better for you. Transcending and learning to direct resistance is a personal process, and thus what works for me, does not necessarily have to work for you – though at least you know have some basic tools that you are able to start with.

In my next blog I am going to go into and explain the Rewards that come when you start moving through resistance, and begin your life of self-creation – it is a truly remarkable experience and the blog will definitely be worth reading.

Creating Movement – Part 1: Introduction
Creating Movement – Part 2: How laziness is created – external causes
Creating Movement – Part 3: How Laziness is Created – Internal Causes
Creating Movement – Part 4: Learning To Handle Resistance
Creating Movement – Part 5: Practical Solutions for Resistance
Creating Movement – Part 6: Baby Steps To Change
Creating Movement – Part 7: The Rewards

Day 129: What Happens When I Exercise?

Today I did some exercising, and in doing that I applied the techniques, and methods shared in this (https://eqafe.com/p/exercising-your-quantum-mind-with-clarity-quantum-mind-self-awareness) Eqafe Interview. What is suggested is to when exercising, to be aware of where it is the mind moves, what thoughts comes up, what backchats, what images and fantasies, because these are specific points that the mind will attempt to strengthen.

When I did my exercising I noticed that my thoughts were primarily going towards two points, and the one of these was work, career, and money – and the other was sex. More specifically, the work and career point circled around education, and I could see how I was planning for the future in my mind, trying to calculate what would be the best option, and route for me to go. In regards to the sex point, it was more specifically around the point of ‘trying to find satisfaction’ – wherein my backchat was going to various problems I experience in relation to sex, and sexuality, and in that blaming other persons, eventualities, and life in general, for my experience of myself within and as sex.

Thus, the subsequent text is dedicated to self-forgiveness and self-commitment statements on the first of these mentioned points.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to plan and calculate in my mind what education I should take, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that these ‘planning thoughts’ are not self-directed, and that the origin of these thoughts are in-fact fear – as fear of the future – fear of the unknown – fear of survival – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not trust myself that regardless of the choice of education I make – that I will deal with the situation that arise and find a solution

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place trust in my education, instead placing trust in myself, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place trust in money, and to place trust in the system, instead of placing trust in myself – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire the system, money, and education to live my life for me – and hope that all will be well as long as I walk these points somewhat satisfactorily

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that education, money, and the system are but tools that I am able to utilize in creating myself and my life – yet the primary responsibility always lies with me – and as such I see, realize and understand that trust must be placed within me – because I will be the point that stands and face and walk through my life – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I place trust outside of myself, I am creating, and generating anxiety, and fear, because I will attempt and try to control that point outside me, all the while knowing, that this particular point can’t be controlled, and can’t be mastered

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fantasize, dream and imagine about having the perfect career, and the perfect education, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to into this dream, and symbol of the perfect life, project an experience of calm, serenity, and security, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in order for me to live these words as calm, serenity, and security, I must have an education, I must have a job, I must have an income, I must have this shining, bright, and promising future – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I’ve within this separated myself from the words of calm, serenity, and security

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strive to live stability, and to strive to feel calm, serene, and secure in my life through attempting and trying to attain the perfect career – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I am limiting myself through believing that in order for me to live a life of serenity, calm and security, I must have a career, I must be hired by someone and have a job, have a family, and have a house, with a dog – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the decision to make each moment an expression of myself wherein I decide to relax my body, to let go of that fear, and anxious and allow myself to FEEL and BE here with this moment, and as such live serenity, security, and calm – as me being serene here – fully present in this moment – as me being securely stabilized within and as my physical awareness and presence here, as me being calm and physically relaxed, not accepting and allowing any form of mind participation in myself – but that I am instead fully here – fully with the present moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how a career, and how money, and how property can’t give me what I desire, because the fact is that attempting and trying to reach these points in life is only an attempt to suppress the inherent point of fear of survival that exists within all human beings, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not deal with, and correct the origin point which makes me go into these dreams and fantasies, which is fear of survival, fear of the unpredictable, fear of a sudden death, fear of a unpredictable death, fear of not being able to foresee my coming life and plan it to fit my desires

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize and understand that fear of survival is what makes me not live in the first place, thus living my life within and as fear of survival is equal and one to not living at all, thus it’s really quite ironic to fear for one’s survival while one don’t even live in the first place – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make the focus, and importance of my life to actually learn to live – to actually learn to appreciate and be grateful for this physical world and the moment to moment living that it exists within and as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the perfect career will not save me from my own fear, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear for my survival, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear for my future, and to fear for my continued existence in this world, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my life to be all about fear, and believing that I require to protect myself from this fear, and build my life as a wall trying to remove, and separate myself from this fear – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the simplicity of forgiving the fear, of letting go of the fear, of simply not accepting and allowing myself to be controlled by and as fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that fear is a human creation, that fear is not natural, it’s not something that should exist within me, it’s rather something that I’ve accepted, and something that I’ve allowed to grow within me, to the point of complete possession, and complete control – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remove these plants of fear within me, realizing that there is nothing in this world that can save me from fear, there is no career, no house, no salary, no future, no partner, no love, no child, no family that can save me from myself and my own self-created hell – as fear – and as such I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to understand that when fear comes up within me – the solution is to STOP participating – to FORGIVE and let go – and not to try to protect myself from it through in my mind building the apparent ‘perfect’ protected life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I look at the future, and I look at various possibilities, as what I might do, or not do, to go into fear, and to fear that I will select and walk the wrong possibility, the possibility that will not lead me to a protected, safe, and guarded life, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how there is no protected, secure, and guarded life, how there is in reality only the physical here – and this world and it’s nature is completely unpredictable – and as such I am in effect not able to protect myself – and as such the solution is not to build a secure future for myself – but to release myself from this possession of fear that I’ve accepted and allowed within me – and to instead push and will myself to embrace the future – and walk into the unknown – trusting myself that I will be able to deal with the situations that arise

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am going into fear of the future, and I begin to project, dream and fantasize about the perfect life, the perfect future, the secure, stable, and easy future that will make me feel so grounded, serene, and calm – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I realize that there is no future that can save me from myself – and there is not future that is a solution to fear – because fear is self-generated – self-created – self-willed – and as such I commit myself to BREATHE and to live HERE within and as the physical – and be physically calm and relaxed with my body – stable in my breathing – and as such practically live the words serenity, calm, and security – here within and as my human physical body as myself – and as such let go of the projection of these words apparently being out there in some form of career

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Listening To My Body

For quite some time I’ve been bothered by lower back pain, which now have forced me to take action. I’ve as such decided to practice the fitness discipline of Pilates in order to support my body.

In order to go through with my plan I bought a monthly subscription in a nearby Pilates institute and I began my training the very same day. Now, this was a couple of days ago, and since then I’ve been going to the institute each day in order to train Pilates.

Yesterday as I came home from a Pilates session I experienced a extreme pain in my lower back which sustained itself for the entire evening, and on top of this I got a fever. So, I spent the rest of my day laying in the bed, and the couch, experiencing intense and uncomfortable pain.

Now, what I’ve realized in regards to this entire play-out is the following:

That I must learn to listen to my body and what it’s telling me. The reason I accumulated myself into and as severe back pain was because I practiced Pilates as the instructors of the Pilates institute told me, instead of me listening to what my body told me.

Thus – I overdid the exercises and I pushed myself above my limits, because my instructor told me to do so, instead of me taking it easy with myself, allowing my body to ease into the movements of Pilates.

I listened to my instructors more than to my own body because I thought of my instructors as authorities, and that they would know how much I should do and how hard I should push myself. Believing that because they have university educations, and much experience of Pilates, as well as the anatomy of the human physical body, that they know more than what I do, about how I experience myself as my human physical body, while obviously they don’t.

What I’ve realized is that no matter what type of thing that I practice, that I learn from others, that it’s absolutely stupid to take others as an authority upon the subject while regarding my direct experience of what I’m doing as irrelevant. Such an application of myself will lead me down the path of self-compromise, and this showed itself to me through the severe back pain I manifested. That was me compromising my insight and seeing of myself as the physical, giving into the belief that knowledge holds a higher value than direct experience.

The solution is for me to listen to my body at all times and never take another’s word as truth without practically testing it out for myself. Making sure that I don’t do something only because another have told me that it’s that way to do it, because I do know what’s good for me, and what’s bad for me, if I simply allow me to listen to what my body is telling me.

Further I realize that I can’t support myself effectively through comparing myself with others, as how others are pushing themselves in regards to the Pilates exercises, as each body is unique and requires a different approach. It’s exactly the same with process, where all walking different points, all with a different history, and as such my process can’t be compared to another’s, and there is no one right way to do things – instead I have to develop to skills of listening to myself, wherein I see what would support me, and then I do that – regardless of what others might do or say.

So, in essence the solution is self-honesty, to not be swayed in my decisions by external factors, even though they have a university education, or a respected position in the system. But to instead trust myself as the simplicity of common sense – that if my body hurt when I do an exercise, this is my body signalling to me that such an exercise should be done carefully and gently. Not pushed and forced just because others are able to do it.