Tag Archives: breathing

Day 273: Morning Experiences – Part 2: Remembering Myself

In my last blog I opened up my morning experiences, and these have included: Depression, not feeling like, not experiencing motivation, feeling hopeless and as if there is no point in getting up, feeling as if my time, and my life is being stolen from me, because I have to get up and tend to all my responsibilities. Currently thus, there are many negative experiences clustered around the event of waking up.

Though, in this blog I am going to look at what practical applications there are, what solutions that I can apply in order to change my morning experience. And one solution that I have seen is to transform my mornings into a moment/experience of me assisting and supporting myself to slow down, to forgive, and prepare myself to walk out into my life. Practically speaking, what I can thus do as I wake up is to apply self-forgiveness, to focus myself on grounding myself and finding back to my physical, and making that my starting point.

At this stage, I experience my mornings as a pain to get through, though why should they be like that? In fact, the mornings are what I make of them. Hence, I can make my mornings an opportunity for me to ground myself, and support myself to find, and develop my stability, that I will then use to assist and support myself to get through my day. And fact is that, much of the tiredness, drowsiness, and physical strain I experience throughout a day, are directly related to my emotional experience. When I do not react emotionally to my day, walking through, dealing with my responsibilities, and directing myself is easy.

The trick is thus to remain with my physical stability, as that does not change, does not go back forth, up and down, here and there, it is simply one breath, one physical movement, one physical foundation. And for me to be effective and stable, I require to align with that stability, and my mornings are a perfect time for me to do this.

When I wake up, I will hence focus on my breathing, ground myself in my body, and apply self-forgiveness on the reactions that come up, and support myself to let go of any emotional experience that is lurking within, so that I can walk out of my house, stable and steadfast, and capable of using the day, and the opportunities it will provide, to the best of my ability.

Day 94: Achieving More Than Myself

goalToday I received the grades of a paper that I’d written some time ago, and within that I experienced a disappointment because I felt that the grades wasn’t good enough. Thus, I reacted and defined myself according a point in my external reality and thus I limited myself, believing that I require something separate from me in order to stand within myself – accept, value and love myself – this relates to the character I’ve been walking in recent blogs as the career – money – and survival character, thus I will be looking more closely at this reaction.

Firstly, why did I react in disappointment?

Well, I expected more from myself, I desired to have that top grade because that would mean I am apparently special, a winner, and that I would in the future be able to get a better job. So, in essence – what I am able to see is that my reaction of disappointment is a polarity reaction of the potential experience of success, fulfillment and achievement – a point that I desire to experience in my life.

Why is it then that I desire to experience success and achievement?

I see that this relates to my idea of myself in relation to value, I define my value according to how much I win, how much I am able to achieve in comparison with others – and thus I in-fact make decisions in my life not from a starting point of what is best for me, or best for all, but according to how I can place myself in a position wherein I am able to feel like a winner – which is obviously very limiting to say the least.

Why is it that I can’t allow myself to be satisfied with myself, and accept myself without me being a success and a high achiever “out there”?

I see that I’ve defined the external, “outside there” world as being more than me – somehow that world out there is the only real world that exist and what I think, who I am, that seemingly doesn’t matter in anyway what-so-ever – the only thing that matters is what others think about – and only through becoming someone in the eyes of others will I apparently be able to accept myself.

How come I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to change this, and within that will myself to accept, love, and really appreciate myself?

It’s fascinating – I see it as something that is impossible, apparently I can’t accept myself, love myself, and appreciate myself if nobody else thus it, because seemingly who I am isn’t worth anything, is of no substance and relevance unless there is someone else validating me and giving me some kind of feedback that – “you’re enough” – “you’re the best” – “you can do it

What I want is to change this point so that I can walk in this world but not be of this world – I do not want to have my experience of myself change each and every time I face difficulties in my external world – I instead want to stand unwavering – stable – certain – the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow – being flexible and aware – ready to act – ready to decide – ready to change – ready to move myself – and not in this state of fear all of the time as to what others might or might not think about me; thus – I want to be able to live this life FOR myself in the sense that I make decisions that are best on my own self-honest assessment as to what is best for all – and not according to how I believe I am seen and interpreted by others.

The fact that I react to what grade I receive in school indicates that there is a big problem – this shows that I do not in-fact value and appreciate myself – because if I’d actually valued and appreciated myself UNCONDITIONALLY – I’d simply be stable in receiving my grades – stable and able to see what mistakes I did and then within that simply move myself to correct myself – ABLE – STABLE – UNWAVERING – HERE – EFFECTIVE; thus this is what I commit myself to create myself as in this life – to be able to stand stable regardless of what I face – and to walk through this education as a point of practicality – to get a job in the system from a starting point of practicality – and not see it as something that defines me.

It’s DONE – let’s walk self-forgiveness

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value myself according to money, to value myself according to grades, to value myself according to what I perceive others think of my, to value myself according to status, to value myself according to how much attention I receive, to value myself according to whether I perceive others like me or not, to value myself according to what job I have – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand unconditional as self-value – as myself – to not accept and allow myself to limit myself through defining myself according to the external points I face in my world – but to stand here – stable – and walk my life from a starting point of practicality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stick with what is practical – to realize that in essence my education is practical – a job in the system is practical – to write a paper is practical – to receive grades on a paper is practical – and thus it doesn’t have to in anyway define who I am – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself through defining myself according to what value I perceive I have in the system as money; and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sell myself out to money – to sell myself out to “becoming something” – to sell myself out to “being something” – instead of accepting and allowing myself to LIVE HERE – to realize that real life – real expression – real substance – is HERE and is not to be found in money – career – job – excellent grades – but is to be found HERE with and as myself in each and every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give upon myself through giving myself over to money – through giving myself over to the system and accepting and allowing the system to assign me a value, a number, a experience – to assign and tell me who I am; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand up within and as myself – take a breath – and state that I am here and that I will not accept and allow myself to in anyway compromise and sell myself out – I will stand and walk here with myself and regardless of where I end up in this system I will value myself – and appreciate myself – and stand by myself unconditionally – I commit myself to not anymore compromise myself through defining myself according to money – I instead stand here for and as LIFE as what is best for all – realizing that I will but be in this system for a while – in this particular position for a while – and this doesn’t define me – because I am HERE as LIFE – and that is not able to be limited and defined through money and position and stature

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself through holding unto my relationship with money as thinking that money defines who I am, money gives me value, money gives me reason, my gives me purpose – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for acceptance and love within money – within feeling and experiencing myself as being accepted by the system – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard myself – to shun myself – to shame myself – to forget myself – instead of accepting and allowing myself to make the decision to value myself – to appreciate myself – and to unconditionally let go of my relationship to the system as believing that this current money system defines WHO I AM – defines WHAT I AM – and thus I commit myself to instead define and create myself in each and every moment of breath HERE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that what I extent I am accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself when I give myself purpose through money, through thinking that what creates me is the system, that what gives me purpose and meaning is the system – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not bring myself back here to and as my human physical body and make the decision to change myself – make the decision to anymore be a slave to money but to instead stand self-directed – self-motivated – self-moved here – and not anymore accept and allow my life to be driven – motivated – and directed by me trying to become someone and something in the eyes of the system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live my life in hope of becoming accepted and recognized by the money system – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how I am through giving myself over to money, to jobs, and career – as allowing these points to define who I am – giving up on myself as life – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make the commit to be unconditional with myself – to remain innocent in walking in this system as not accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to money – to define myself according to stature – and to define myself according to position – but that I instead accept and allow myself to unconditionally, without purpose, without reason – value and appreciate myself – and to stand as this point regardless of how or where I stand within this current system – and that I as such stand as LIFE – that I am as such universal and not only caught up in my personal life experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of this desire and want to become somebody in the eyes of the system – to achieve a life and a living that is in the eyes of the system considered to be desirable – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not unconditionally accept myself HERE and live myself HERE – and wake up each and everyday stable – consistent – here – standing one and equal with and as the physical – wherein I am not trying and attempting to become more than the physical – I am not trying and attempting to be less than the physical – but that I simply stand HERE – walk HERE – apply myself HERE – and thus I stand here as one breath – as one movement – unified – one and equal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and bring myself back into and as my human physical body – to re-instate myself here with and as my direct physical – to re-integrate myself here and realize that what goes on in my mind as experiences is not real – is not the actual physical expressing itself but is merely what I have accepted and allowed to be the physical – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and bring myself back here – and within this stop following energy in the mind – stop defining myself according to grades and jobs and careers – and let that entire point go – realizing that nothing will in-fact flow from such a point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that I am able to give myself value, that I don’t require money to give value – that I don’t need somebody else to confirm to me that I am good enough – that this idea that I need another is simply a illusion – is in-fact a excuse for me to not stand up within and as myself – within and as my human physical body and apply myself – and walk myself out of my mind and into and as this direct physical hereness – wherein I am simply here and I walk through my life as the practical points that my life consists of – and not as a state of reaction believing that what occurs and happens in my life must define me; as such I commit myself to stop this pattern of following the mind – following reactions – and believing that I can’t change myself – and I instead commit myself to change – to birth myself HERE as life from the physical and stop this giving up in believing that I am not good enough to accept and value myself here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I must make the decision, and bring the decision into practical life living – that I do not anymore accept and allow myself to define myself, my existence, and my life according to money, according to career – according to the idea of what a successful life is – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take myself back here to and as breath – to and as my human physical body – and re-instate myself here – walking value as myself here and realizing that when I receive bad grades – that this doesn’t define who I am – that I am here as the physical and that these bad grades are merely a point of practicality that I am able to change and direct

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I value myself according to job, career, money, and future – according to how I perceive myself to be seen in the eyes of the system – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I commit myself to stop compromising myself through giving into and believing that my external reality defines who I am – and I commit myself to instead stand unconditional here in each and every moment of breath – to stand stable and steadfast here and not accept and allow myself to in anyway waver – or react – or become emotional due to money, or due to where I am in the system – neither positively or negatively – I simply walk here practically – I am here

 

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Day 54: Facing Fear of Conflict

Recently I’ve begun to notice a physical unconscious pattern of fear that I go into when I meet people – I tend to experience this when I meet people that I have no former relationship with, and that I do not exactly know how they will behave and act around me.

So, for example – I was out walking just some time ago, and as I was walking down the road I noticed three individuals coming towards me – these individuals where male – so just within noticing them I could notice that I went into a slight heightened awareness, a slight experience of upholding myself, and my presentation – becoming more aware of what position my body is in and how this might seem to someone that looks at me – this was the first point I am able to notice – a slight heightened awareness – almost like a statement of: “oh oh, here comes people – better activate my people-character”.

Then as I came closer to the people I noticed how a fear arose within my solar-plexus – and this fear is particularly in relation to the point of unpredictability with people, and also the fear of not being able to read people – and thus get myself into a situation wherein I am being attacked, or seen by another as less than.

So, as I walked past them I could feel this physical reaction arise within me – and then as I passed them the reaction was gone – and I simply continued to walk.

when_the_sun_goes_down_by_redtweny-d3f2j8aNow – I find it interesting because I am able to relate this particular reaction to what I’ve been writing about the last couple of days – which is the desire for approval, or seeking approval as a form of comfort, and also fear of conflict; and recently I’ve begun to notice just how debilitating fear of conflict, and fear of not being approved is to me, and that it in essence blocks me from expressing myself unconditionally, and with ease in each moment of breath.

Recently I read a blog wherein someone explained that from young we’re educated (if you can call it that) to not show our negative experiences, but to present a fake façade of niceness to everyone; now – this is a particular character that I’ve participated within lot’s, and one of my major fears is to show the negativity within me when I am interacting with people – and this is also one of the points that cause the most conflict within me – because when I do have a negative reaction, I go into a negative reaction towards the negative reaction as I am trying to hide the negative reaction from others – so it’s like a double reaction.

For example – as I walked past these individuals and I noticed the fear coming up, a simultaneous point that came up within me was that: “they must not see how I really experience myself” – so within this I want to make sure that I present a “presentable” exterior to others as someone that is stable, and calm – in fear of being judged as weak if I do not present this stable and calm exterior.

So, here I am able to bring all of this back to myself – to see that really I fear my own reactions, and it’s I that fear to be open and vulnerable with myself and see what I experience – and that I’ve projected this point unto others – but really the point is about me as me fearing to see myself, and be frank with myself.

Obviously it’s completely stupid to react to my own reactions as this doesn’t help to sort them out, it just makes it worse – and the solution is instead to embrace the reactions coming up within me – and to accept and allow myself to see myself without judgment, and to understand that I can’t expect of myself to be this stable, and calm human-being – I mean really – I’ve spent most of my life creating myself to not be a stable and calm human-being thus it’s obvious that it will take some time for me to correct, and walk through these points.

Thus – I will work with this point of reacting to my own reactions, and also the point of fear of conflict, and fear of being bullied that I see that my unconscious fear reaction stems from within – so this is then two points I will be walking through and dealing with in my self-forgiveness.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I am around people go into a heightened state of awareness as a fear-awareness – as a state of preparing myself for the worst – the worst being to end up in a conflict with others, and to be attacked by others – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear, and want to avoid conflict at all costs – and define, and see conflict as something extremely harmful, and bad – and something that I must at all costs not go into but rather present myself as stable, and calm – and make sure that I don’t trigger any form of point in another that might cause a conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that in fearing conflicts I am compromising, and limiting myself in my expression – because I will so to speak – walk on egg-shells around others – being constantly afraid, and worried that my expression might trigger, and unleash a hailstorm of frustration, and anger – and that I will end up in a conflict wherein I am trying to defend, and protect myself from what I perceive to be another’s evil – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath, and bring myself back here – and too understand that conflict, anger, frustration, disappointment, enervation, disgust, and hatred – these points are not in themselves something to fear – I mean they might go to a point of fearful danger as actual physical danger – yet in themselves they are merely energetic possessions that do not influence me on a physical level – as such nothing to fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize fear as a way of protecting myself from conflict, and to make sure that I am not too open, or too expressive, or too flamboyant – but that I remain cool, and stable – and that I don’t in anyway cause a point of conflict to emerge in my world – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself in my expression, and hold myself back – and not dare to be comfortable, and relaxed, and at ease with myself – as allowing myself to express myself naturally, and comfortably – simply sharing myself within oneness and equality here with another – and not going into a state of fear the moment I meet, and interact with another human being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that this fear of conflict I’ve accumulated within me is a remnant of the so-called education that I received in my younger years – wherein I learned to fear other human beings, to fear strangers, to fear not being in control, to fear expressing myself unconditionally, to fear being strange and different, to fear sticking out from the group, to fear not being like everyone else – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how useless this education have in-fact been – and that it’s based upon fear, and anxiety, and assumptions, and interpretations of reality – and not upon facts – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my relationship with this world, and the people within it upon opinions instead of facts

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to opinions, and disregard facts – opinions being for example fear of conflict – thus opinionating conflict as something bad, and as something that I should avoid – instead of sticking with facts – seeing that conflict is in essence simply two opposing forces that is colliding – thus two perspectives that do not work with each-other – the solution is thus not to fear conflict – but to instead direct the two forces to a mutual point of stability, and understanding – I mean – learning to communicate effectively to as such direct conflicts to a point of solution instead of simply fearing conflicts

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I’ve demonized conflicts – and that when I’ve seen people in my world go into conflicts, and disagreements – that I’ve judged them, and judged how they express themselves – and seen them as bad people because they’ve gone into conflict instead of remaining cool, breathing, and being relaxed, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not bring myself back to the physical and understand that nothing of what is currently here is bad – or wrong – and that it won’t help, and assist to react to what is here – but what will help is to understand what is here, and learn to direct what is here in a way that is best for all – to as such establish a point in this world and reality that is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own reactions, and to fear admitting to myself that I am reacting in believing that reactions, and thoughts, and experiences, are generally speaking bad, and wrong – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand that the mind is not bad, or wrong – and I mean seeing what is within me is in-fact practical, and effective – because in allowing myself to recognize what I exist as, and within – I am allowing myself be able to correct myself and the point I am existing within – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop judging what is here – and instead of judging what is here – assist and support myself to correct what is here to what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the ridiculousness of going into fear when I walk past other people – because what do I really fear? I mean – is it even effective to be within a fear even though there was some actual practical point to look out for? I mean – no – because in going into fear – all I think about and experience is my fear – and I am not able to be HERE and see what is going on; such as for example how this person died – that you can here about in this interview – she drowned – and as she was drowning she was trying to swim to the surface but was in too much panic to understand and see what was up and down – thus she swam into the wrong direction – I mean – this point applies not only to panicking in water but to all aspects and dimensions of life – because in going into fear I become irrational and I do not see reality, the physical, and I do not see the solution, the direction that is best for me; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of fear in understanding that fear doesn’t assist and support me but merely serves to hold me back, and hold me in a stagnant position of waiting to be safe before I express myself – instead of understanding that when I let go of the fear to need to feel safe won’t anymore be a issue because I will simply be HERE within and as my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive fear of conflict, and fear of being bullied as these great mechanisms that I can use in order to become socially effective – thinking that these mechanisms help me to guide me through life and that without them I wouldn’t know how to be, express myself, and interact in my social environment – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question this point – and to ask myself – but hey – is this really in-fact the case? I mean – how come I’ve trusted this fear to be common sense when it’s never in-fact specifically shown me the common sense of it’s existence – it have just come up within me like – BLAAHH!!! Here I am – I am a fear – now obey me!! And as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question these fears and to understand that these fears are not a common sense guideline of how to live effectively but are instead a remnant of my past ineffective education

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that it’s nothing dangerous, or compromising to express myself unconditionally, to allow myself to so to speak be free – in allowing myself to be comfortable, to be at ease, and to be fully here with and as my physical body and express myself within oneness and equality as being DIRECT here – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not bring myself back here and to continue to push this point of living within oneness and equality with my human physical body – in understanding that fear is not a natural trait – fear is a cultural creation that has been created through a misunderstanding of physical reality – and a misunderstanding of what it means to live – to live doesn’t mean to live in fear of survival – but to live means to express self here in every moment of breath being so completely in this moment that there is simply HERE – thus in other word’s in-fact being alive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how I am limiting myself through not embracing the probability of conflict – and through not standing in such a position within me that I trust myself that I’ll be able to direct the conflict if a conflict emerge – because I mean – I understand that conflicts are not dangerous – conflicts are merely points of two colliding forces and that this point must be directed within oneness and equality – and as such it’s merely as any other moment that opens up here – and that the moment requires to be directed; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practice directing what is here – instead of fearing what is here – seeing that learning to direct, and trusting myself that I’ll be able to direct what is here – is in-fact a self-empowering solution – while fearing what is here is a self-victimizing point of escapism as not wanting to take responsibility for what is here in this world

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I around other people go into a heightened state of awareness, as a fear-awareness as a state of preparing myself for the worst – as conflict, or being bullied; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I am within going into – and allowing myself to be possessed by this state of fear – not allowing myself to live – to express myself – and to be here in this moment and be here with the point that is here – which might be to get to know someone, or direct a specific point that I’d like to be directed for me world, and reality to be more effective; as such I commit myself to stop fearing conflict, and being bullied, as being called names, and yelled at; and I instead commit myself to embrace what is here and stand equal to all probabilities – and simply instead of fearing what is here – learn to direct what is here within oneness and equality as breath

When and as I see that I am going into a fear in relation to energetic possessions such as hate, disgust, disappointment, anger, frustration, and enervation – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that these points are nothing to fear because they do not imply that I am in fearful danger – as such I am not in actual physical danger – I am not to actually physically be harmed; as such I commit myself to breath and to stand within oneness and equality with that particular energetic possession – and instead of fearing the point – learn and perfect to direct the point to a solution that is best for all

When and as I see that I go into a state of holding myself back, as so to speak watching my tongue from a starting point of fear, worrying that if I am too express myself unconditionally, and without anxiety – that this will trigger a point of conflict, and that anger will emerge, or enervation, and that I will become subject to another’s wrath – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand how it doesn’t help me to direct the point – and to live – when I go into this particular fear – I mean all that happens is that I suppress myself and really kill myself as self-expression and then I hope that a conflict won’t emerge – instead of me expressing myself naturally and then learning to direct conflicts effectively and remaining stable within myself in facing and directing conflicts in my world

When and as I see that I go into fear automatically as I meet other people, as thinking that I must fear them because they are “strangers” and they “can’t be trusted” – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – I mean – yet they can’t be trusted yet this is not a reason to go into fear – it’s simply to see that it’s stupid to trust people without them having proved their integrity; as such I commit myself to not anymore confuse not trusting another with fear – because I am still able to be stable and effective here in my breath-movement whether, or whether not I trust another

When and as I see that I go into fear of conflict, and that I am opinionating conflict as being something “bad” and “wrong” – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that conflict is neither bad, neither good – it’s in-fact simply a physical point of colliding forces – that requires direction – as such I commit myself to establish a stability within me and a effectiveness in directing conflicts through practicing when conflicts emerge to stand stable and speak within common sense, clarity, and stability – to as such not anymore fear, or try to avoid conflicts but instead learn to direct them effectively

When and as I see that I am judging, or demonizing conflict, or any other form of expression in this world, or something the emerge within me – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that the solution is not to demonize, is not to judge, is not to be a moralist of right and wrong – but the solution is to understand and to be able to direct the points that emerge within me; as such the solution is to develop solutions for points and direct them; as such I commit myself to focus on solutions instead of right and wrong – to focus on common sense direction instead of right and wrong

When and as I see that I go into a state of judging what appears within me, and in this case judging fear – and reacting to the fear in fear of showing to others that I react in fear – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I mean judging what is here is unnecessary – because in judging what is here I will not in-fact learn to direct the point, but the point will continue to simply be a unresolved point within me – as such I commit myself to focus upon solutions, to focus upon directing what emerge within me – instead of judging what emerges within me – and wanting to hide, and escape from what emerge within and as me

When and as I see that I want to hold unto fear because I believe that it protects me, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that fear makes me irrational, fear clouds my judgment and unable me to see effective solutions with clarity; as such I commit myself to stop fear – and instead focus upon stability and being HERE and even though I am facing a situation with lot’s of pressure – to still not go into fear but to focus upon stability and directing the situation within and as common sense as what is best for all

When and as I see that I trust a fear that comes up within me as being a effective guideline for me to use to be socially effective in my world, and reality – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that there is obviously no proof what-so-ever that a fear would make me more socially effective – in-fact fear simply unable me from expressing myself effectively, being open, vulnerable, and receptive – and instead I close myself and simply become this reactive automaton that acts in fear of survival; thus I commit myself to develop my own guidelines as common sense in social interactions – and to use these instead of fear – as such trusting myself instead of trusting fear

When and as I perceive fear as indicating to me what is dangerous, what I should avoid, and what I shouldn’t avoid – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I can’t trust fear – I can’t rely upon fear – fear is a program that comes up automatically without any form of effective reasoning – it’s not to be trusted; as such I commit myself to utilize common sense in my world as a my starting point of self-direction – and as such direct myself within and as effective common sense reasoning instead of fear

When and as I see that I want to avoid conflicts instead of directing conflicts within common sense as what is best for all – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that in wanting to avoid conflicts I won’t be effective in this world and it will naturally cause me to compromise myself, and go into self-suppression instead of directing myself here – thus the solution is not avoidance but facing the point and learning to direct the point effectively; as such I commit myself to develop effective conflict-direction-skills through practicing being stable, not taking a conflict personally, and focusing upon common sense as a solution that is best for all

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Day 52: Too Useless To Notice Myself

Yesterday, and the day before I’ve in my Swedish blog been writing about various aspects of wanting to be noticed – in particular the dimension of anticipation, and excitement – and also the dimension of disappointment, and feeling left out – two dimensions that are opposite polarities.

Today I am going to expand on this point further by writing about a particularly interesting experience that have come up on at least two occasions during the day.

So, for some context – the first point was that I entered a moment wherein two beings where speaking – I experienced myself a little pressured and said “Hello!” – only one of the beings said “Hello!” back and the other ignored me – and in that moment of being ignored I felt hit in the stomach – like – “Shit! – He’s excluding me!” – and I tried to sort of hold my appearances up as “Pff that was nothing!” – but within me I was greatly affected, and this also showed in my physical application that became stiff, and held back.

The other situation occurred as I was to take my bike into the building where I live – I was just outside the door, and then another guy comes out – and the door is open – instead of holding the door open for me as I expected he would do he looked at me and then ventured on letting the door slam shut behind him; in that moment I yet again had that reaction of feeling hit in my solar-plexus – and experiencing it as being a attack on my personal pridethinking that – “Does this mean he doesn’t like me?” – “I am becoming ignored all the time, there must be something wrong with me – what am I doing?”

leftoutSo, I mean – both these points represented one interesting thing – “being ignored” – or “being left out” – not being seen, and not being considered – and that was what I took so hard. And how this points relates back to the wanting to be noticed-point – is that this point of being rejected, and ignored is at the opposite polarity of being seen – it’s the thing that I absolutely do not want to happen and that I tend to strive towards not happening through being a generally comfortable and nice guy to be around.

Another point that is interesting is that I see that I started to judge myself after both these situations – and within me I was both angry, sad, and slightly blameful towards the other, and also myself – thinking that this was also my fault because I wasn’t pleasurable, and comfortable enough – there was definitely something that I didn’t do the right way and this is why the situation played out as it did.

So, yet again – the primary points to work with – as my primary issues that lies at the foundation of why I experience this point – is self-respect, self-acceptance, and self-value – words that I am still practicing to live and that I am not fully in all dimensions of my reality standing effectively within and as – because obviously these points show that I still do exist in a polarity when I am around others – of searching for acceptance, and fearing rejection, and being shunned.

I can also mention here that a good blog that I’ve read lately that is also about this particular point is Anna Brix Thomsen blog about “there must be something wrong with me” – and I highly suggest that you read this if you also as me experience difficulties with being stable, and comfortable with yourself regardless of how you perceive that others treat you.

Okay – so the point I will focus my self-forgiveness, and self-commitments upon today will be this point of being ignored/rejected – and the various points that opened up within this.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel rejected, and ignored when I say something, or do something, and nobody pay’s any attention to me – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when nobody seems to notice me, and go into and as a reaction of thinking that there is something wrong with me – and that if I’d been a “normal being” then people would’ve noticed me, and would’ve seen me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame, and judge myself when I feel that I am not being noticed enough – and think that there is something wrong with me because apparently I should be noticed by others, and apparently being noticed by others is what shows me that I am “normal” – and that I am “acceptable” – and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not unconditionally accept myself, and respect myself – and to stop defining my value, and worth according to whether I perceive that I am noticed or not – and as such live the correction of me living self-value – through not anymore speaking, and behaving from a starting point of wanting to be noticed, and wanting to be seen

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that unless I am noticed I have no value, and worth – and that unless I feel as being a part of someone else’s world – there is something wrong with me, and there is something I’ve not considered – and there is something that I’ve done badly; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define, and see self-value as being something that is given to me by others, and is something that will happen to me when I am able to satisfy and please others – and make others feel that they are having a good time around me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when I do not feel, or perceive that another have taken notice of me, and respected me properly – and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I want to be noticed, and respected by others – because I’ve not given these points to myself – I’ve not allowed myself to in-fact notice myself – meaning to see myself, to get to know myself, and be intimate with myself – and that I’ve not allowed myself to respect myself – because I’ve still accepted and allowed myself to search for others to give me value instead of me valuing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it’s impossible for me to value myself, and that I am not able to value myself because I don’t know how to do it – because I’ve never done it before – and so within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that self-value is being content with myself – and understanding that I don’t need to assert myself in any form of social setting to be okay with myself – but that I am self-value and that everything that I need, and want as being noticed is here for me to give to myself in each and every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that unless I am seen by others, and unless others respond, and react to what I am saying, or doing – that I’ve then said, or done something wrong – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I speak, and express myself – to always be nervous as to how others will respond to me – because I believe that this response will determine my value, and determine my very existence – and as such I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to value myself – and trust myself – and stop defining myself according to how I perceive that others are feeling about me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to how I believe that others see me – and think that this definition that I’ve created in my mind of myself, as how I believe that others see me is in anyway real – and actual physical point – instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that it’s not a real, and actual physical – and that it’s not about actual facts but only about what I feel, and experience, as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value what I feel, and what I experience more than myself – and more than my actual physical movement of and as myself here in every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start to backchat about others as being “mean” and being “inconsiderate” – when I feel that they have not given me the attention that I need; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for me not feeling that I am noticed enough – instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that I don’t need to be noticed anymore by others – and that I am able to in-fact notice myself – I mean I can see myself in every moment and the question I should really ask myself is why hasn’t this been enough? I mean – I am here to notice me in every breath yet why have I wanted more?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, and desire to have more than me noticing myself – thinking that I am worthless, and useless, and that it doesn’t matter that I notice, and see myself – because apparently what matters is that another see and notice me, and define me as being positive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop the inferiority within me as thinking that I am by design less than others, and as such that I must be noticed by others – instead of seeing, realizing, and understand that I’ve invented my design and as such it’s not inherent – and it doesn’t have to remain this way – because I am able to change myself and as such be fully content, and satisfied in me seeing, and noticing myself – and not anymore having to make sure that others feel positively towards me – but that I instead live self-value, self-worth, and self-respect here – in being stable within and as me in all social settings knowing that I am sufficient, and I am enough – and I don’t need anyone to tell me or show me this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I notice myself, or when I am aware of myself – that this doesn’t count because I am apparently useless – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop and change this self-destructive reasoning within me – to as such accept and allow myself to stand up for myself and live self-worth, and self-respect in each moment – in not allowing myself to be defined, and created by how I perceive that others experience me

Self-commitments

When and as I say, and do something, and nobody takes notice – and I react in taking it personally, thinking that there is something wrong with me – Immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that there is nothing wrong with me – but only that nobody has taken notice of me – and nothing else have really happened; as such I commit myself to breath – and simply continue to express myself in the moment without making a big deal out nobody noticing me – I express me for myself and not so that somebody can take notice of me

When and as I see that I am blaming, and judging myself as thinking that “there is something wrong with me” – because nobody seems to have taken notice of me in a moment – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I don’t have to make it a big deal, or take it personally – I mean it’s simply that nobody noticed me and nothing more – as such I commit myself to simply breath and continue moving, and applying myself naturally here and stop any secret agenda of wanting to be accepted, or seen, or heard, or loved – I commit myself to accept, respect, and worth myself

When and as I see that I am thinking that I am worthless unless somebody takes notice of me, thinks about me, or considers me in a way so that I feel important – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I mean – I can’t live my life constantly evaluating myself upon the basis of how I think others see, and notice me – as that will make me to become a slave and nothing more but a slave – as such I commit myself to practice expressing myself without wanting anything back – expressing myself unconditionally and without searching for any form of response when I speak and express myself

I commit myself to notice, and see myself – and to practically worth myself – and to do this through practicing expressing myself unconditionally and without wanting, or desiring to have any specific response in return – and that I simply express myself naturally in the moment as a breath – speak naturally, move myself naturally – as I would’ve done if I was by myself – because in essence I am always by myself – and thus I commit myself to live self-worth, and self-respect through valuing myself unconditionally and not limit myself to feel comfortable only when I think that others think I am fun, or cool to be with

When and as I think, and believe that it’s impossible for me to value, and worth myself – because I’ve never done it; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that it’s not impossible – but it’s just convenient for me to think that it is because then I won’t have to change myself – as such I commit myself to practice living self-worth, and self-respect practically through not allowing my expression of myself to be dependent upon how others express themselves towards me

When and as I see that I become nervous about how others will respond to something that I’ve said – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I don’t have to live this way of evaluating myself on the basis of how others respond to me – but that I am able to change my way of living so that I express myself as myself without wanting anything back – and thus that I give, and share of myself unconditionally; as such I commit myself to speak within oneness and equality as my human physical body – speak HERE and without any secret agenda as how I’d like others to respond to me – and experience me; because I see that this is self-limitation

When and as I see that I am changing myself in my way of moving, speaking, sharing, and expressing myself – because I believe that others feel a particular way about me – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that if I allow me to change because others feel a specific way about me – then this is me limiting myself, and making me less than what I am able to be; as such I commit myself to live my fullest potential in every moment through not worrying, or thinking about what others feel, or not feel in relation to me – and instead focus upon me expressing myself self-honestly in every moment of breath

When and as I see, and notice that I start to backchat about others as being “mean” and “inconsiderate” – because they’ve not given me the attention that I apparently deserve – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that what I experience has nothing to do with others – and that me not feeling that I am being given attention is my issue and it’s not anything about actual attention; as such I commit myself to simply stop and to re-align myself in the moment as me speaking, and sharing myself for and as myself here in this moment within oneness and equality as physical breath – here with my body with no starting point that is in separation from myself as here

When and as I want others to notice me, and that I am thinking it’s not enough that I notice, and see myself – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that it’s a misconception that I’ve made thinking that what others experience matters – when what matters is the physical and my movement in the physical – thus I decide who I am and not the attention I perceive that I receive from others; as such I commit myself to practice directing my human physical body – and my expression to not be dependent upon any form of expression that “get in return” – I express myself unconditionally here

When and as I see that I am thinking that I apparently must receive notice, and attention from others, because I am less by design, and inferior as a trait that I’ve been born with and can’t change – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this is merely an excuse for me to not stop, and change myself – and re-align myself – because I know that I can change myself and that it’s as such just a point of actually doing it; as such I commit myself to stop whining, and victimizing myself to my experiences – and instead simply change myself in one moment – in one breath – here

When and as I think that me noticing myself, and giving myself attention – through me expressing myself within oneness and equality as my full physical awareness here – is not enough because I am apparently useless – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I am the creator and thus I decide what I will accept, and allow and what not – thus I decide that I am useful – and that I am enough – that me giving me attention, and noticing myself is sufficient; as such I commit myself to notice, and give myself attention – and to be here with me – and to understand that this is everything that I require and need

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Day 42: Eternal Damnation

Today I’ve been listening to a interview series on self-judgment that can be found on eqafe – check here – and because of that I am going to dedicate this post to exploring this particular point of self-judgment.

judgementNow – as I listened to the interview, my initial thought was that “hey – I don’t have any self-judgment! I am past this point!” – so it was cool when later in the interview series this particular reaction/experience towards the point was explained as being but a defense mechanism – and within this it was suggested to look more closely at one’s inner reality in relation to self-judgment – to allow oneself to see that there is in-fact self-judgment going on in there.

So, in this blog I will look at the various point’s of self-judgment that I’ve seen – and now – since I listened to the interview I’ve been able to pin-point particular movements within that are of a judgmental/bully/abuse-nature – wherein I do become violent towards myself in the form of words/experience/inner movement.

What I’ve seen is that most of my judgment is related to past moments – because many times through-out my day some memory will come up within me of a past situation wherein I will feel that I acted like “an idiot” in that situation – and that I could’ve done it so much more effectively – and that I didn’t have to act the way I did back then – and so this is a point of self-judgment.

Further – I’ve seen that there is lot’s of self-judgment in relation to my work, and my studies – here I’ve noticed that I am very particular in relation to what type of results that I expect myself to achieve. For example – when I make a mistake in my work I will go into a state of judgment – and think – “man, why did I do that?” – “how could I miss that simple point?” – “I got to be more aware, and precise, this can’t continue!” – and this same point also occurs with my studies – wherein I will be disappointed, and hard towards myself when I do not achieve the highest mark – and I will think “What? How could I fail – Am I stupid or something?” – “I studied so much and still it went like this – fuck – I am useless”.

Another point that I judge is about my character – I have a tendency of becoming nervous around particular women, and guys – particularly young, handsome, and what I term to be “popular” youngsters – when I have an interaction with these people often nervousness will occur, and when this happen I go into judgment – thinking – “oh my god, it’s so embarrassing that I become nervous!” – “Why does this happen to me! Why can’t I just be calm, and stable like everyone else?”

The same type of point comes up when I face conflict – because I tend to go into nervousness in those situations as well – and instead of supporting myself I go into judgment – “Why do I always react so much to conflict? My god! I should be past this point by now!”

So, much of my judgments originate from comparisons – because there is always some type of expectation involved as to what I “should be” – that I am not able to be – and then because I can’t be what I feel that I should be, I judge myself.

If I hadn’t had a reference within me as other people that I’ve seen through-out my life – I wouldn’t have had a concept of seeing my reactions as being bad, or my mark at a test as being inferior, or my mistakes at work as being faulty – it would’ve simply been me going through life facing particular situations, and occurrences – nothing bad, or wrong – simply “what is going on”.

Thus – the simple realization that is to be made is that self-judgment is really not cool – and it’s not something benefits me – it in-fact only serves to break me down, and to by each thought of self-judgment that arise within me – become less, and less – so really – it’s time to stop this particular point and allow myself to walk my life without having myself screaming at myself from inside of myself, saying to myself that I should do various things better than what I currently do.

I mean – it’s time that I accept and allow myself to be gentle with myself, and to practice living such gentleness – which I will do through breathing – through aligning myself with the consistency, and slow movement of a breath – a breath in, and a breath out – that is what I will practice – and at the same time also practice that – when this type of thoughts arise within me – to then stop being an observer within me, and actually act to change the inner nature of me – through not allowing these thoughts to play out – but that I instead direct me and make sure that I don’t accept and allow any form of bullying within me – because it’s simply not acceptable at all.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to through comparison with others create judgment within me – a character of bullying, and abusing myself through words, and experiences – wherein I constantly feel that I am not doing enough, that I am not good enough, and that I am worthless – and thinking that this apparently justifies me bullying, and abusing myself; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand up within me – and understand that life could be really fucking enjoyable – even on this fucked up earth – when I allow myself to stop fighting myself and instead focus on living – expressing myself – and moving myself on a breath per breath basis

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I make mistakes when I work, or when I make mistakes, and fail achieving a good grade in my studies – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted, and allowed myself to become possessed with comparison – as thinking that I must be the best, and I must be that person that is able to walk all points in life effortlessly, and have a complete success in all points – with no form of failure – wherein all points go smoothly – and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not achieving my mental ideal of how I should be instead of realizing that this mental idea of who I should be isn’t even real – so I am judging for not being something that isn’t real – isn’t that really the epitome of paranoia?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that self-judgment is paranoia – because self-judgment is based upon expectations of what, and how self should be and not upon actual physical reality – I mean – it’s fascinating that I go into self-judgment when I make a mistake in relation to my work, or my studies – instead of going into looking for solutions – finding out what the problem is – finding out how it is that I fail and then within that implementing a effective solution so that I correct the reality equation to play out in a way that have beneficial results

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop comparing myself with others – and understand that comparing myself with others is useless unless I utilize comparison to create solutions for myself – but if comparison is merely done from a starting point of giving myself points within myself – as thinking that I am either good, or bad – I mean then it’s useless – because it won’t assist to become more effective in my life – and actually correct, and align my daily living, and participation to what is best for all – which should obviously be the primary point of my life – to establish myself as my fullest living potential

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create judge myself when and as I become nervous with females, or males that are young, handsome, and seem popular – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an expectation of myself – that I should be stable, and I should be calm – and there shouldn’t be any form of movement within me – and I should be able to direct myself, and move myself in my daily living without any reaction – because others seemingly are able to do that – thus I am bad if I don’t; instead of allowing myself to see, realize, and understand that I mean – I am me – I am not others – thus why even compare myself to others? And why think that I am bad just because I react in another way than what others do? And also – why not instead of judging for not being as stable as I perceive others to be – utilize others as a practical example – and use comparison constructively to support myself in my expression to stabilize myself – and make myself less reactive in these particular situations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to self-judgment, and to believe that I need self-judgment, and that without self-judgment I would loose myself, and there wouldn’t be anything left of me so to speak – and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I’ve become addicted to my biggest enemy so to speak – which is my accept and allowed nature – as a nature that doesn’t support me, that doesn’t assist me, and that doesn’t nourish; as such I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to commit myself to stop this addiction – and commence on the journey of removing this particular character, and way of living as self-judgment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself with others, and think that I should be able to present myself as stable, as sound, as confident, and as strong around others – and to think that unless I am able to achieve this I am inferior – and I am bad; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not BREATH – and to be gentle with myself – and stop abusing myself through speaking down to myself in thinking that I am not good enough – I am not useful enough – and I apparently deserve to judge myself, I apparently deserve to be hated, and abused by myself; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand up within myself and state – that I deserve to love myself, accept myself – be gentle with myself – and most of all respect myself – I deserve self-respect

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I go into a state of self-judgment, as abusing, and bullying myself through words, experience, and inner movement – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this bullying is destroying me – and that I am pushing myself down, and wreaking havoc unto myself – as such I commit myself to stop – and practice breath – and practice being gentle with myself – practice caring for myself – and practice living, and developing self-respect – as not accepting and allowing myself to in anyway judge, abuse, or bully myself

When and as I see that I go into, and I react within and as self-judgment – because I feel that I deserve this, because I’ve made a mistake in studies, or my work – and I feel that I shouldn’t have done that – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – this point of me thinking that I deserve to judge myself – I mean it’s bullshit and it’s merely an excuse for me to not actually change and stop myself – and respect myself; as such I commit myself to stop judging myself and instead look for solutions – to go to establishing a solution instead of thinking that I deserve to judge myself

When and as I see that I am judging myself, abusing, or bullying myself – because I am reacting in nervousness, fear, anxiety, or become emotionally unstable around young, handsome, and seemingly popular people – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand how this particular judgment of mine is based on comparison – thinking that I should look, behave, and experience myself as others, and unless I do so – I am apparently bad; and within this I see that I’ve not allowed myself to be gentle with myself – and respect myself – and as such not judge myself; so I commit myself to not judge my experiences – and to stop comparison myself with others from a perspective of judgment, and self-hatred – and I instead commit myself to respect, and walk with myself – and practice living gentleness – and self-acceptance

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Day 32: I Am Really Good – Just Not This Time!

I am continuing on the subject of nervousness in relation to school. After the last time I wrote here I’ve done my exams, and within doing that I went into lots of nervousness – despite the fact that I’ve worked so rigorously with the point. Within this I realized that I am not yet getting to the origin point – the problem so to speak – and that I’ve yet to find the dysfunction within me that creates this pattern of nervousness.

Thus – I’ve in order to familiarize myself more with nervousness as an experience bought some interviews from Eqafe that are giving a perspective on nervousness, and also suggesting a step-by-step solution as how to transcend and move through nervousness.

Now – in these interviews the nervousness that is being expanded upon, and explained is in relation to talking to lot’s of people – standing before a crowd – the nervousness I experience comes up in a different setting yet the symbolism of the events are the same. Because when I sit and write my exam I face the same point of a evaluating crowd – because the exam I write will be reviewed by professors, and it will gain me a particular mark – and this will then possibly be seen by future employees, my family, and so on – thus – I am not just writing a test but I am actually indirectly standing before the unknown as that which I am not able to calculate, and control – just as with standing before a crowd.

Thus – I will utilize the same step-by-step method in order to take apart my nervousness here as is suggested in relation to nervousness that comes up when facing crowds.

Unfortunately I can’t reveal the exact nature of the step-by-step nature – as it’s a product that is sold at the eqafe store – thus if you want to find out exactly how to do this that I am going to do in the coming blogs, you’ll have to purchase the interviews for yourself. What I am going to share here is the self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements, and the self-writing – but I am not going to go into detail as to the nature of the method that I am working by.

Still – anyone reading this and that are struggling with nervousness of a similar nature can utilize these writings as a support structure, and then if you want to further your understanding, and application of yourself in relation to this point – I suggest to you invest in these interviews:

https://eqafe.com/p/deconstructing-nervousness-atlanteans-part-89
https://eqafe.com/p/overcoming-nervousness-atlanteans-part-90
https://eqafe.com/p/overcoming-nervousness-part-2-atlanteans-part-91
https://eqafe.com/p/sounding-self-forgiveness-for-nervousness-atlanteans-part-92
https://eqafe.com/p/finalising-nervousness-support-atlanteans-part-93

Self-writing

I am going to begin with opening up how it is that I see myself before I make an exam – what is it that I think of myself? And it’s fascinating – because I see that I have a positive excitement experience towards the prospect of writing my exams; I will have thoughts of the nature such as “yeah! I know I am good at writing exams!” – “This time I will be much more calm, and relaxed than the last time!” – “If I just study enough for this exam everything will go smoothly!” – “I am smart, so I know that nothing can go wrong really!”.

So – what I am doing here is that I am creating a positive self-image of myself in relation to my test – that fascinatingly enough – isn’t real – which results in me becoming disappointed with myself, and feeling like a failure – when it is that I sit down to do my exams and up comes lot’s of nervousness, and anxiety. The first thing I got to do is as such to remove all these positive ideas I have of myself – because they are really just that – ideas and not a real living statement as who I am.

Self-forgiveness

children examI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a positive idea of myself in relation to me doing my exams – wherein I imagine within me that I have an easy time doing exams, that I usually tend to be cool, and calm – and that I tend to be effective in writing my exams – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not look at the reality of how I experience myself – which is that I tend to become very nervous, I tend to doubt myself, and I tend to fear what might, or might not happen when it is that I sit down to write my exams

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be honest with myself in seeing, realizing, and understanding that I tend to hold unto fear of the unknown, and fear of failure to a large extent – and that as such – my experience with writing my exams are really uncomfortable, and not very pleasurable, or calm at all – a complete contradiction to who I believe myself to be in my mind – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remove and form of positive experience, and idea of myself in relation to writing my exams – and as such instead work with what is real – and how I actually experience myself in writing my tests

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine within myself before writing a test – that everything will go great, and within this feel a slight tinge of superiority – as feeling that “hey! I am awesome at writing exams – this will be fun!” – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that this positive – energy – accumulation in relation to writing my test isn’t real – but is a mechanism of suppression that I utilize in order to not have to face the real me – as the real experience of myself within and as me writing my exams

Self-commitments

When it is that I go into and as a experience of excitement, superiority, and positive projection towards the future as writing my exams – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this positive experience that I am having in relation to writing my exams – it isn’t real – but merely a suppression mechanism that I use so that I won’t have to face, and deal with the real experience of me while writing my exams – which is fear, and nervousness; as such I commit myself to breath and to not create any idea of myself – to not picture myself in my mind as being good at writing my test – but instead stay with the physical – stay here – and not go into energy as excitement, or superiority

When it is that I see I am becoming disappointed with myself when I write my exams, because I’ve become nervous, and filled with anxiety, even though I imagined myself within my mind that I wouldn’t experience myself in this way – and that I instead would be stable, calm, and easily write my exams – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that there is nothing to become disappointed in – because my initial dreams of myself weren’t even real but based upon illusion as participating in the mind reality instead of living here; as such I commit myself to bring me back to what is actually here as me in the moment – and not have any expectations, and ideas of myself that I can’t cross-reference and confirm to be real in the physical – in this moment here

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Self-imageWikipedia: A person’s self-image is the mental picture, generally of a kind that is quite resistant to change, that depicts not only details that are potentially available to objective investigation by others (height, weight, hair color, gender, I.Q. score, etc.), but also items that have been learned by that person about himself or herself, either from personal experiences or by internalizing the judgments of others.

Day 29: Test-anxiety – The Calm Before The Storm (Part 16)

Because I’ve now walked this character for some time – I’ve begun to experience a sense of ease, and peace within me in relation to studying for my test – I do not anymore experience it as this life, and death-situation – and when I am studying – I am simply sitting there studying.

the_calm_before_the_storm__by_dead_mans_hand-d497pd9Though, there are some lingering thoughts left within me that disturb me – and that I notice are coming from fear, and anxiety. One of these thoughts is a fantasy, a projection of me doing the test – me sitting in the examination-hall – looking down at my papers – trying to remember all the information that I’ve been studying so feverishly – sitting there being nervous as to what question is going to come – and within that projection – I can see how I am thinking about whether I’ve forgotten something – what if I’ve studied the wrong things? What if I’ve made a crucial mistake and I am going to regret myself – and I am going to walk out of this hall and feel like shit?

What I’ve understood is that the grades on my test DO NOT DEFINE ME – but I’ve not fully lived this understanding in flesh – because – I still do believe that the grades I will receive on this test will define who I am – will define my very future – will be the very point that is going to either have me make it, or break it – fascinating – because in looking at my life up to this point – I am able to see how insignificant the results on the tests that I’ve taken have been in actually influencing my ability to stand, live, and walk in this system – what has been important has instead been my dedication to the particular subject – and me actually learning, comprehending, and understanding information in school – because that is something that I’ve been able to take with me – and use later in my life; though obviously – the grades have had some influence – as to what university courses I’ve been able to apply to – so – it’s not to say that they are meaningless – but obviously – they are not everything of the education – only a part.

Thus here it is to understand that – even though I do not receive the best grade – it doesn’t mean that I’ve failed my entire education – it only means that I’ve failed with one objective that I set for myself as to what type of results I want to have in walking this education – and thus – it’s important to not make it TO BIG – but to see it for what it is – and then look at SOLUTIONS.

I mean – it’s fascinating – when I go into fear, anxiety, nervous, and worry – that’s everything that exists to me – nothing else exists but this fear, anxiety, nervousness, and worry – and thus I completely forget that I am able to implement and live solutions – to in such a way make sure that I do receive the grade that I want to have – so – I can see that this process is a “double process” so to speak – meaning – I must walk the INNER change – meaning – let go of fear, and self-definitions in relation to achieving in school – and then walk a OUTER process – as in-fact establishing solutions so that I am able to get the grades that I want to have – because I see that it can be useful for me in terms of opening up opportunities in the system in the future.

The key is to – let go of the bullshit – and then focus on facing, correcting, and walking through real physical reality – which involve finding, and implementing solutions – it shouldn’t be that difficult!

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, and believe that fear, anxiety, and nervousness is a solution to my problems – and that when I go into and enter this form of experience – everything will be okay – because apparently I am dealing with my reality, and I am sorting out points in my world when I go into stress, fear, anxiety, and nervousness – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how this is NOT TRUE – and that when I go into a experience – I mean – I am simply going into an experience – and there is nothing within which change the situation that I am facing – it’s simply me postponing actually dealing with the real – physical – and actual problems that I am facing in my day to day living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that the mind is really one big excuse – it’s one big justification to not have to deal with real – physical – reality – it’s function is to make me feel certain particular experiences – and within that go into, and loose myself in this experience – and think that I am now “dealing with reality” because I am in this “though experience” – while really I am just lost in my mind fighting demons that aren’t real – and then letting my reality go to shit – because I am not bringing myself back here – and developing – walking – a PHYSICAL PRACTICAL SOLUTION

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that this is also reflected in the functioning of the world system – wherein there are countless of activists, and revolutionaries trying to change the system – and they protest – become angry – and feel like they are treated badly – and they rebel – and they feel superior and good about themselves – and the win, and they loose – and they are in this orgy of experience – but NO ONE is breathing here – looking at the practical physical situation – and then in breath – in the simplicity of self-movement – simply doing that which is needed in order to correct the point – and bring the point to a conclusion – as what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that there are specific tools of support available in my world for me to become more effective in my reading skills – and thus in me integrating the information in the courses that I am walking – – and that thus – there are actual SOLUTIONS available here – all I have to do is to get out of this completely unnecessary experience of fear – and go into a solution immediately – and simply stop fear – because it doesn’t get me anywhere what so ever!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, and believe that the more I think about my test – and the more I fear my test – the better it will go for me – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create some type of ritualistic belief within me – like a voodoo doll – wherein my thoughts of fear are these sacrifices that I make to the “test-god” that he will treat me benevolently and have me score a good mark – not seeing, realizing, and understanding that FEAR doesn’t help me – I mean I’ve proved this to myself countless of times – fear makes me ineffective – fear makes me stress, and not read information properly – fear makes me stupid – fear makes me not able to think, and consider the information that is here in a open-minded – and relaxed state of being – I meaning – I know this because I’ve done tests in fear before in my life time – and I’ve always managed to exceed when I’ve been relaxed, and comfortable – and not stressed as to the outcome of the test

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give up the desire for my life to be a life of excellence – and instead focus, and give my life to creating a world that is best for all – thus within this – giving up self-interest – and within this giving up fear – as fear can only exist where self-interest exist – and thus I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to study – and do my test – and aim for a good mark – from within and as the starting point of placing myself in a position in this world where I am able to have influence – and make a difference – as walking for all – and not for my own self-interest as fear – but instead walking – and making studies to be about everyone, and everything

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that when I hold no personal value to points in my world – I do not fear loosing the points – thus fear is a product of me placing value separate from me – thinking that I require certain external points in my world in order to keep me stable – and keep my sane – and keep me going – and within this I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to breath – and to let go of this value that I’ve separated from myself – and instead see, realize, and understand – that the only value that exist – is the value of this moment here – as me living life as what is best for all – thus value being equal to life – as living by a principle that will bring forth true excellence on a global and existential level

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am holding unto fear, anxiety, and nervousness, thinking that these experiences are helping me – that they are making me more safe, and that me having these experiences imply that I am taking care of my world – and reality – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that in essence – everything that is of the mind – as a mental projection have no value in this physical world – some points do – that are aligned with the physical and that can be directly applied into and as this physical world with direct results – for example mathematics – but FEAR – that is of NO USE – and is simply holding me back from implementing a solution – and living that which I see will actually on a physical level be able to change the situation that I am; as such I commit myself to stop relying on the mind – and fear – for anything – and I instead commit myself to really only upon physical feedback as actual results that I am able to measure – that is trustworthy – nothing else is

When and as I see that I am participating in my mind, as experiences – as feelings – as fear of doing my exams – as fear that I am going to fail – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that fear is useless – meaning that – fear doesn’t help me to do better on my tests – is only a experience – a sort of masochistic entertainment – wherein I go into my mind and think that I am “working with reality” – when really I am just in my mind – and not doing anything what-so-ever in my reality – simply because I am not in reality – as I am in my mind; as such I commit myself to be IN REALITY at all times – and to realize that when I am in fear – I am not in reality – thus not walking HERE and developing solutions – but pacifying myself in the drugs of the mind as emotions, and feelings

When and as I see that I am going into a experience – into fear – into nervousness – into disbelief – instead of developing a solution – locating the problem – defining the problem – clarifying a course of action that I am able to take in order to remove the problem – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that only physical – self-willed – self-movement is valid – and only within walking such a point will I be able to produce real – and actual results for myself – to do have an effect in my life – in the life’s of others

When and as I see that I am going into fear – which is a form of ignorance – as not being clear as to what I am facing – and exactly how to deal with, and walk through what I am facing – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand – that I will only have results when I stick to the facts of what is here – when I work with facts – as reality – that is when real results will come to fruition; as such I commit myself to work with what is real – with what I KNOW – because that is certain – and that is not a fluffy experience – but something that I am able to cross-reference – and be completely certain about

When, and as I see that I am feeling safe, and secure because I experience fear towards a particular point – and within this thinking that me having this fear means that I will be really motivated, and ambitious, and take good care of this opportunity – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – fear have never protected anyone – I mean – look at those going to war – soldiers – all of them possessed with fear – yet still how many is coming back from the war? Not many – only a few survive regardless of whether they experienced fear or not – and as such I commit myself to not fear – but to stick with facts – with what I know is proof – real – and valid – because that will bring me actual results

When and as I see that I am looking at my life as “my life” – as a separate island from all other human beings – and that I within that go into desires, and fears – as what I desire my life to become, and what I fear that my life could become – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand – that real peace – and real comfortableness with myself – can only be achieved when I let go of myself – as my self-interest – and my desire to lead and have a special life – and instead give up my one life to live for everyone – to live for all – as that implies giving up my inner reality of madness to instead focus upon that which is value to everyone; as such I commit myself to give up this one life – and dedicate this one life to the creation of a solution that is best for all in everyway – as such let go of self-interest – and let go of fear – and instead live for all

When and as I see that I am going into fear – as I fear loosing points in my world, because I’ve placed a personal value unto these points in my world – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – when I let go of placing value outside of myself – I will become untouchable – because not anymore will me stability, and foundation be based upon points that change – that are changeable in their very nature – but instead my stand will be HERE as breath – solid – because breath is ALWAYS here – the same – yesterday, today, and tomorrow – and such I commit myself to let go of personal value – and instead stand as breath in every moment – and be re-born in each in-breath – and let go – and die – in out-breath

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