Tag Archives: comfortable

Day 436: Too Easy-Going?

Is it possible to be too easy going? Too relaxed? To comfortable?

Throughout most of my life, I have had an easy time to remain calm. When others would go into stress or anxiety, I would usually remain placid. It has not been a skill/talent that I have actively developed, it has instead been with me from birth – even as a baby I was calm and content. And, it is clear that this calm has been a strength many times. However, it has also become a weakness.

I have realized that being calm and content, for me, it lead to creating apathy – which I would define as the characteristic of accepting what is here because it works – and not putting in the effort to establish and create what would be BEST for me instead. Another consequence was that, because I was calm and felt relatively at ease regardless of the situation, I did not develop the skill of actively engaging with my reality – asking HOW I want this situation to play out – WHAT would be BEST? Hence – I entrenched myself into a observer personality – where I just looked at what was going on instead of ACTING.

Thus, to answer my initial question, YES it is possible to be too calm. If calmness become the modus operandi, a constant, and further, a hiding place, to not have to put in the effort to put myself out there, to create, to actively engage, to actively participate and be a part of molding/creating/shaping my life/reality. Obviously, it is not being calm in itself that is the problem, what I see, is that being calm becomes a problem when I rely on this mode of being to bring myself through any and all situations – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding – that sometimes – other skills/expressions but calm are required to handle life.

Thus, something that I want to create in myself is to be more active and engaged in my life – and one solution that I have seen is the following: When I am in the midst of a situation, where I notice that I am going into observer mode, collapsing into a state of being ‘too calm’, that I take a breath, and ask myself, ‘What is that I want to create in this situation? What direction/movement would be BEST for me?’ – that I hence, as a first step – establish for myself what it is that I want – so that do not flow through the moment as an observer, indifferent to what is going on around me.

And this is a way of approaching situations that I can start to practice equally in moments when I am not retracting myself into an observer mode. For example, when I get to work in the morning, and I am about to begin my day, I see that it would be supportive for me to stop for a moment, to take a breath, and to ask myself how and where I want to go. This will assist and support me to develop drive and precision when it comes to actually creating/building the life for myself/others that I see is BEST.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get stuck in a state of being too calm – where I accept and allow my environment and my life to go without direction – and be less than best – because I am comfortable and at ease with things being half way best – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push and practice this voice within me of asking WHAT IS BEST? And then to motivate myself to pursue what is best – to not settle for that which works, that which is okay, that which is reasonable, but to in all parts of my life pursue and move towards that which is the best direction and movement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept and allow what is not best, because it works, instead of pushing towards and pursuing that which is best – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that dissatisfaction, feeling discontent, can be supportive emotions – that assist and support me to break out of my comfort zones and to transform my comfort zones into zones that are best for me and others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not put in the effort and will to make each part and aspect of my life, my own, in the sense that I am actively involved in that part of my life, to create and make out of it, the best that it can be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get stuck in the ‘I am comfortable’ quagmire – where I stop pursuing the best – and creating myself according to what I know is my potential – because my life is easy and I do not feel like changing anything

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be too easy going, too comfortable and too flexible with my life, to the extent where I accept and allow myself to become satisfied and at ease with all kinds of unsupportive arrangements, that are not the best, but that works for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to take a stand, and to make a decision as to what I will accept and allow, and what I will not accept and allow, to develop a relationship with my life, in the sense that I pursue and push for what I know is best – and do not settle only for what works and what is comfortable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not ask myself, what is BEST for me and my life, and the life of others, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to settle for what is comfortable, instead of pushing for what is best

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not work to change that which I am not satisfied with, to not push and will myself to make the best out of my life, and to not accept things as is, only because I am not bothered by them

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself accepting my life to be as is, because I am not bothered by it, even though I know it is not for the best, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I must push myself to make decisions for myself as to what I will accept and allow, and what I will not accept and allow, that it is not enough for things to just be comfortable, thing is, that they should be BEST – and thus I commit myself to push and will myself to bring through what is BEST in each and every circumstance – and not settle for that which works


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Day 225: A Slight Movement of Anxiety

Today I’m going to investigate a movement of anxiety that I’ve become aware of when I interact with people that I’ve already established somewhat of a relationship with.

So, for context, I was at the library studying, and then I saw one of my former classmates at the peripheral of my view – Immediately as I saw him there was a surge of anxiety that came up within me. In that moment I looked more closely at the anxiety to see where it was coming from, and I could see that it was triggered by a thought of him in someway become angry and rejecting me. So, the anxiety was about me fearing that something I would do, or not do, around this person, would cause him to feel as if I’d in some way treated him badly.

I could also see that there was a slight conflict within me that fueled this anxiety – on the one hand I feared making contact with him, and announcing my presence, and on the other hand I feared not making contact with him, fearing that if I didn’t – he would form an opinion of me as not being very sociable and nice. Thus, I was stuck in a loop within myself of two contradicting points – though the origin of the fear was the same in both cases – WHAT WILL HE THINK OF ME?

Why would I care so much about what another thinks of me?

The obvious answer to this is because what I perceive he thinks of me, means something to me, I accept and allow it to define me, and my value – that is the acceptance and allowance that exist within – that what this other person will conjure in their mind, and experience as a emotional or feeling reaction – that is the grading of me – that is my final judgment. This would indicate that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to give myself that position within me, that I DECIDE who I am, the I DECIDE my value – and that this is not determined by anyone else but myself. Because why should it? How come my interpretation of another’s reaction should be define who I am? What sort of validity does how I perceive another’s reaction have, that makes it an apparently factual assessment of me as a being in a moment?

The answer is – there is NO reason why it should define who I am. There is NO reason why I should fear what others think of me, because it’s really NOT relevant to WHO I AM – and thus – the correction I see that I must work with is living this self-trust, and self-worth – and practice this practically through breathing through these reaction – placing my attention in the tip of my toes and fingers – stabilizing myself HERE and standing as the statement that I AM HERE – and practice standing vulnerable, open and relaxed in my human physical body – allowing my chest area to protrude slightly – thus living the statement in the physical – that what someone else think can’t in-fact define me or have an impact on me – because it’s simply common sense that I make the decisions as to who I am and I decide to be comfortable with myself.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not dare to make a stand for and as myself when talking with, and facing human beings in my world – to practice standing within and as my human physical body and showing myself to this world – within the statement that THIS IS WHO I AM – and realizing that I decide and define my relationships with others – and that I decide and define my relationship with myself – and that whether another likes or dislikes me is not a point that is relevant to WHO I AM – when I decide that I will stand with myself unconditionally HERE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand within and as self-worth and stability when interacting with others in my life, to stand in the knowing that I will embrace, accept and hold myself regardless of what another thinks of me – that I do not accept and allow the reaction of another to define who I am – because I decide who I am – I decide how I experience myself – I decide what words to speak and what words to define me – my life and who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I’m limited with regards to my interactions with others, and that my value is limited and less than the value of another – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach others from within this starting point that I’m limited, and less than – and that I hold less value than another – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding how this is in-fact an assumption that I’ve made, an opinion that I’ve created of myself that isn’t real – because the reality of the situation is that I am here as a human-being in flesh – and that another is also a human being in the flesh – and that we’re thus on that level equal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I’ve something to loose in the interactions with another, that I’ve my stability, my self-worth, my self-respect to lose, that at any moment these aspects of myself might become attacked and nullified by the words, and behavior of and as a another – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a stance of defense, and holding back, believing that I am in this way protecting myself – not realizing that there is in-fact nothing to protect myself from – that I am merely protecting myself from my own fears and anxieties – and that what I’m experiencing isn’t really real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the fear that comes up within me when interacting with another, seeing someone that I’ve established a relationship with, that it isn’t real – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how the coping mechanisms I’ve established, as either moving in to socialize, or rejecting and not paying attention to the other person, are both equally flawed – because what is missing is my stability, my direction and self-trust in who I am – and living that value and recognition that I am a equal human being with equal value, equal worth and equal substance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when this fear arise within me, it indicates that there is a point of separation within me, where I’ve defined another as being a decisive element in the creation of who I am – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this is in-fact an idea, that it’s a lie to believe that someone can decide who I am, that someone has the power to define my existence, and my life, and my experience of myself – because in reality that power, direction and will lies within me – and it’s simply a aspect of myself that I’ve not yet been willing to embrace and fully stand within and live as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace myself as self-value – and practice living this point through when meeting someone that I’ve a relationship with, when walking past them, or discussing something with them, to stabilize myself here within and as my breathe, to breathe deeply and ground myself in my physical body – and then move myself to interact and live from this deep groundedness that exist within and as me – to place my self-trust in this deep stability that exist when I push myself through my emotions and feelings and place my attention unto that which is real – that which is physical – that which is verifiable and that I’m able to see and interact with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a fool out of myself in front of another, to fear that I’ll say or do something that is going to trigger contempt in another, wherein they see me as a useless piece of scenery in their life, that doesn’t hold any value or meaning – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my relationships, put up an act, where I try to make sure that I will not be seen as a fool, but that I will all the time be nice, and be good, and be comfortable, and easy going – so that everyone will think nicely of me – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this is not an effective way to live – that in being constantly nice and trying to make sure that nobody dislikes me – I’m in-fact compromising myself

Self-commitment statements

I commit myself to practice living stability in my relationships with others, to live self-value, and self-reliance in my relationships with others – where I will myself to ground myself in my physical body – to trust myself and speak, interact, and move myself from this deep groundedness within and as my human physical body

I commit myself to see and understand that being nice is not an effective way to go about creating my world, and that through being nice all the time I’m in-fact setting myself up for compromise, because I’m not considering myself, only what others might, or might not think about me – and thus I commit myself to instead of being nice – be stable – HERE within and as my physical – and practice expressing myself from this equality with others – that I am their equal and they are mine – and that we share this physical reality and world – and that neither of us is the superior one

When and as I see that I go into a anxiety as I interact with another, and I begin to change myself, and mold myself, to make a nice face, and a nice character, and be easy going, to make the other person like – I stop – I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understanding that in living out this nice-character, I’m in-fact limiting myself, and sabotaging my life, and my relationships, where I will do things I don’t want to do, move myself in a direction I don’t want to go, agree with things I don’t want to agree with, only to make sure that I keep face and my value up – and thus I commit myself to establish within me that deep groundedness – that deep knowing of myself – that I will stand by me as self-worth and value – and that this point is unconditional

Day 158: Social ineptness

So, today some fascinating points have come in relation to the point that I’ve opened up and committed myself to walk through to COMPLETION – the general point is that of social angst – yet this point contain many various dimensions, and a new dimension that I noticed today is in relation to a belief that I hold of myself – the belief that I am socially inept – that I am somehow worse than others at being social and that my natural expression is not sufficiently socially acceptable – and that I as such require to mold and emulate my expression to be more acceptable.

Some context: I was hanging out with some persons that are new in my world, and it was a fresh environment for me, so I didn’t really know how to place myself in it, and who I should be. As I observed myself interact in this new environment, and these new persons, I saw that what I held within me was this general experience of ‘I am less’ – and the consequential outflow of me holding unto this point of ‘I am less’ was that I didn’t express myself within the self-confidence, comfortableness, and ease that I know I am capable of – instead my expression was more held back, passive, and hesitating – not as I would express myself with for example, my family, or my partner, where I am much more at ease with myself.

Thus, why is it that I have this ‘I am less’ experience?

From what I am able to see, it’s actually a form of protection mechanism, because when I hold myself in this ‘I am less’-character – I don’t show myself, I don’t open up, and I am not really HERE – the logic here is that I am then ‘protected’ – though the part that doesn’t make sense is why I’d like to feel protected and in that sacrifice my natural expansive expression?

Really, the question must be asked, I am in-fact protecting myself from a realistic fear, or is it but an assumption that I’ve made, that if I accept and allow myself to step out of my protections, I will be ‘hurt’ and ‘attacked’? And is there really such a thing as being mentally hurt and attacked?

I’d say – NO – there isn’t – and accordingly this shyness character, this ‘I am less’-character is not something that is supportive for me – and thus I must further practice living myself out of this habitual suppression tactic and realize that it’s really nothing dangerous out there, and that there are lot’s of things to do, many people to get to know, and projects to walk, if I accept and allow myself to step out of my character of diminishment, and be myself.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I am interacting with people, and placing myself in a new environment, and with people that I don’t yet have a long-term relationship, to take in the position of ‘I am less’ within myself, and go into a state and condition of being shy, passive, and held back, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto this state of being, through believing that when I am in this state of passivity I am protecting myself from harm, and accordingly I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to convince myself, and believe that there is some gigantic harm awaiting for me out there, if I’d accept and allow myself to step it up, and walk out of my shell, and practice self-confidence, self-trust, and self-authority, and be at ease and comfortable with myself regardless of situation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that with other people, with so-called strangers, I am required to put on a mask, and be more passive, and held-back, in the belief that apparently, with strangers, if I would express myself, I would become attacked, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this belief that ‘I will be attacked’ isn’t in anyway substantiated within me with facts, it’s but an experience, but a fear coming up within me, that I pay attention to and live according to, without having cross-referenced with physical reality whether or whether not this fear is actually real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define, and accept myself as held back, shy and insecure, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive and believe that I require and must be stuck in this experience, and movement of myself as insecure, and shy, and believe that this is something I must just accept, and that there is nothing I am able to do about it, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not move myself in moments when I notice I go into this shyness, and passive character, to say – NO – and practice, physically, practically living self-confidence, and living self-trust – through straightening my back, and looking people in the eye, and communicating with a clear and stable voice

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I am with others, to participate within and as, and go into a fear that ‘they are talking behind my back’ and that ‘everything I do or say will be used against me’ – and ‘I don’t know what they are thinking about me’ – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a fear of how others are going to perceive and experience my expression, and fear that I am going to say or do something that will be termed socially inept, and accordingly I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry more about what others think about me, rather than me living and participating and moving myself as my human physical body, practically, physically, here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that others are to invite me into their life’s, and give me a sense and experience of ease and comfortableness, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for others to make me comfortable, instead of me pushing, and willing myself to be comfortable, to be at ease, and to trust myself and be confident, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that only I am able to give this point to myself, and as such I must practice this point, and one point relation to self-confidence that I see I must practice to walk out of this shyness character, is stopping blaming, judging and attacking myself when I am do a mistake – or when a social interaction doesn’t turn out ‘cool’ – because when I judge myself I make myself more self-conscious and less effective at simply being myself, and trusting myself here – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push and will myself to trust myself – and to love myself and live these words as myself through stopping judging and being hard on myself when I notice I make a mistake

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will immediately be able to step out of my shyness and ‘I am less’-character and that it will go without mistakes, and without effort – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it will be a effort to bring myself out of this particular character, and how it will be a process that will take time, application, and presumably, many mistakes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept and allow myself to make mistakes, to test things out, and to apply corrections, and not be afraid or worried that they won’t work, and realize that if I fail, or make a mistake, I can simply re-consider and re-align the point, and bring the point into a correction with is effective and works for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that the general crowd of people in my life thinks that I am strange and dislikes, and likes other people more than what they like me, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as this fear and anxiety, the moment I say something, or share myself with another, that my words, and my expression, is going to cause within another a judgment, and a thought that: “I don’t like you” – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sacrifice and suppress my natural and easy-going expression as myself – in fear of what others think about me – in fear of how others feel about me – not seeing, realizing and understand that it’s obviously not cool for me to bind myself up in fear and justify this through thinking that I must have each and everyone like me

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I go into the shyness, and passiveness, and ‘I am less’-character, which I can see through me becoming held back, slouching my shoulders, and becoming hesitant in relation to whether I should speak or not, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here, and I commit myself to live self-confident – and live this through straightening my back, breathing effectively and relaxing my physical body, accepting and allowing myself to caress myself within and as myself, and hold myself, and then move myself in the moment within and as self-trust – and confidence – as me being stable and living the fact that I am an equal with others – neither less – neither more

I commit myself to stop fearing that others are speaking behind my back, and that others are creating negative experiences in relation to me, and that they are creating resistances towards me – and accordingly I commit myself to trust myself, to stand by myself, and dare to live self-honesty, and have the courage of me being stable and expressive, and the same, yesterday, today and tomorrow, regardless of what another might or might not think about me – and I commit myself to live this correction through stating NO – I will not accept and allow these thoughts and emotions to overwhelm me – when and as I notice that this ‘what are others thinking of me ‘fear’ comes up within

Hiding – Part 1

Lately I’ve been working with correcting my posture, because up until some time ago – my posture has been that of hunching my shoulders, not standing straight – but slightly bent; and this has caused me to develop back pain – at least this is one of the reasons to my back pain. So, in order to correct this point I first began to investigate “what is the correct posture?” – and “what posture supports my body the best?” – and it’s been fascinating to find this out, because the posture I did in the end find to be the correct/most supportive posture – felt completely incorrect and simply strange to walk within – not to say painful; but I realized that it was merely a habit that I had created in relation to my posture, and that this experience of strangeness wasn’t really real – and as such I pushed through and began to walk with my back straight at all times, and my shoulders slightly tucked back – aligning my shoulders with my spine.

Now I’ve begun to work of correcting my posture while sitting, which is so-far proving to be much more tough, and much more painful – and so I’ve asked Sunette for support on this point, as to whether this pain was only in relation to my muscles becoming sore from this new form of sitting, or whether the pain was also related to my mind. Here is the answer:

Viktor you haven’t been sitting like that most your life – thus, posture change change muscle experience though the consequence of the previous ‘hunched’-posture can consider hiding/’not wanting to be seen’ / ‘not wanting to face you’

Thus I will investigate 1) hiding 2) not wanting to be seen 3) not wanting to face myself; this will as such be a series of three blog-posts – investigating the secrets and various dimensions of hiding.

1) Hiding

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as hiding – wherein I will hide myself from others and myself – because I fear showing myself, within the belief that there is something terribly wrong with me; and that if I show myself to myself or others – that I will become judged/ridiculed because of this wrongness that I exist and live as; instead of accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that the only wrongness I exist as is that I don’t accept and allow myself to show myself/express myself/and in-fact live in this reality one and equal – accepting and allowing myself to step out of my comfort zone and get to know myself, as well as others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as hiding – within and as the belief that I am not strong/courageous/powerful/ready enough to face the world and myself – and as such within interaction with others hold myself back; and in terms of seeing/getting to know myself – never accepting and allowing myself to recognize what I experience within me, and who I am within me in situations/moments – thinking that: “I am simply not ready to handle this” – instead of accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that this is merely a completely illogical justification/excuse as to why it’s okay that I do not change myself – within this I accept and allow myself to see/realize/understand that it’s completely fucked up to exist as hiding – and that my top priority within myself should in-fact be to change myself – and to make everything in my power to change myself in every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form and shape my body one and equal as hiding – accepting and allowing myself to walk hunched, and with my shoulders hiding my breast, and my solar plexus – as such creating consequences for myself – damaging my spine and making it difficult for me to sit properly for long periods of time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not step out of character – through accepting and allowing myself to stop hiding myself, and to see/realize/understand that hiding myself – as in holding myself back – stepping backwards and attempting to not be seen/recognized while I am interacting with other human beings – is completely limiting me, and isn’t in anyway fun – it’s not worth it in anyway to hold unto this creation within and as me as hiding – as such I commit myself to in every moment of breath stand up in a posture wherein I don’t accept and allow myself to hide myself – and to express myself effectively, and accept and allow myself to be see/recognized/heard when I am with people – not anymore fearing to actually live

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide myself in fear of facing conflict – as such hiding myself when I participate with other human beings – not expressing myself self-honestly, but only expressing myself in such way that I know that others will behave, be towards me in a “pleasant” and “calm” manner – because all that I do is agree with others at all times; instead of accepting and allowing myself to step forth within and as my reality – as myself – as self-honesty – and as such accept and allow myself to not merely follow along at all times but dare to stand self-independent, and regardless of what others think/feel about me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never disagree with others – never – because I am to afraid to say anything that isn’t in line with what I know that another agree with; as such I will agree with everything that another say, and never attempt/try to disagree – existing within and as fear/anxiety that another will become angry at me; as such existing/living in hiding – wherein I will at all times make sure that I hide the real me – that I hide what I see in moments, if what I see isn’t in correlation with what I know that others agree with – instead of accepting and allowing myself to stop hiding myself, and to see/realize/understand that hiding myself is not living – it’s in-fact being utterly stone dead – because everything I do is done to honor and live for fear – and obviously living for fear – I am not here – thus dead

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be attracted towards people that dare to be different, and dare to speak up – and say what they think even though everyone around them completely rejects them; because that is what I want to be/live within and as me – and that is what I know that I’ve disregarded and suppressed within and as me – instead accepting and allowing myself to create myself as a placid, shy, nervous character – that isn’t ever seen/heard – and that nobody in-fact knows exist – because I am so good at always doing that which others expect of me that nobody even notice me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of coming out from my hiding, to instead idolize and attempt to make friends with beings in my world that I’ve seen possess this quality of being able to speak up, and speak out – and not be disturbed, or moved by the fact that a great number of people are completely annoyed with what they are saying; within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to let myself see to the extent that I’ve limited myself existing as the hiding character – where I will always exist within and as fear that a part of the real me will be seen by others – in fear as to how this will affect and influence others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a expert at being liked and appreciated by everyone – and become a expert at being no hassle at all to anyone what-so-ever because I will do what anyone asks of me immediately without even considering within me – whether what I am doing is common sense or completely stupid – within this forgive myself that I haven’t accept and allowed myself to develop the courage within me to break character – and to not simply live to please, and satisfy – live to be a “nice and social person” – but instead step out of character and make/create myself and my life to be something that is more than simply desiring to be liked/appreciated at all times

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from myself – to not only hide from others, but also within me – refuse to see how I experience myself, what I backchat about – what reactions that I have – and what is actually going on within me – as such existing within a double hiding – wherein I will hide on the outside, and I will hide on the inside – as such living a complete lie, not having any touch with/insight into reality – as my relationship with myself is completely fake because all I ever do is pretending with myself, as well as my relationships with others is fake – because all I ever do is pretending that I am someone that I am not; instead of accepting and allowing myself to stop this stupid pattern, and see that I am only creating this pattern because I fear the truth of me, and that I fear facing conflict – both within and without; but I see/realize/understand that living a lie is not worth anything – it sucks – as such I push/will myself to step out of my lie and to manifest/create myself here as real – as not anymore lying/pretending – but in-fact getting to know myself for real, and develop real and actual relationships with others wherein my interaction isn’t based upon being liked – but instead me expressing and directing me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sticking out – and to fear being annoying/perceived as annoying by others – and as such commit myself to a life of seclusion, wherein the real me – and the real experience of myself is never shown or uttered/spoken – and do the same within myself – wherein I’ve never accepted and allowed myself to in-fact recognize how I exist within me – thinking/believing that what I exist/live as is bad – as such myself being a bully towards myself, as that which I fear others will do unto me – through me – the moment I see something within me – instead of recognizing this, and allowing myself to look deeper into what it is that I experience/think – immediately suppress the point – in fear of me judging and seeing myself as bad; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my living both within and without overly complicated – wherein I’ve constructed/created characters upon characters attempting and trying to hide the real truth of myself – instead of simply seeing the truth of myself and then assist/supporting myself to change this truth of myself into something that I am proud of and can stand by into eternity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that the consequence of hiding is stagnation – that I will simply remain the same because I am not willing to admit to myself my weaknesses, my points of backchat and reaction – and also my external reality will remain the same – because I am not willing to speak up, and to in-fact take the driver seat of my reality – to not accept and allow my external reality to be whatever that it wants to be – but to instead push/impulse my external reality to be what is best for all – equally as I push and impulse myself each day to change myself and stand up as what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be honest with myself as to my tendency of hiding myself both within and without – so that I can as such release myself from this limiting pattern and instead start living for real – as seeing the real me within me – working with the real issues I have within me – as well as speaking real words with those in my world/reality – talking about real issues and problems – and finding a solution to these – and as such expand both within and without – with the consequence of what is best for all manifesting

I commit myself to step out of my comfort zone – and to get to know myself as well as others; within this seeing/realizing/understanding that there is nothing wrong/shameful about me that I must hide from myself/others – but that this is merely an excuse/justification that I’ve created so that I don’t have change; I see the stupidity in not wanting to change – and as such I remove this excuse/justification – and I will myself to in every moment stop hiding from myself, as well as others – one and equal

I commit myself to not hold myself back when interacting/participating with others, and I commit to get to know the real me – and not continue to hide from myself through as a experience come up within me – think that: “oh well, that was nothing – no need to look on that anymore – this just came up once, it’s nothing” – but to instead recognize the point that came up – and later write about the point – and as such open up to myself the entirety of myself – as all of myself – not accepting and allowing myself to have a single secret existing within me

I commit myself to correct my posture – and to do this slowly but surely, so that I do not strain my human physical body – but I see/realize/understand that I’ve created this in-effective posture during a long time, and as such I see/realize/understand that it will take a long time to correct my posture, and make myself able to sit straight without experiencing pain or discomfort in my spine or back-area

I commit myself to as I interact with others – to not hunch my shoulders inwards, and take a step backwards – attempting to make myself small and unnoticeable – to try and hide myself; but I instead correct my posture, I stand straight up and open up my shoulders – and I accept and allow myself to participate with others – communicate/speak when the opportunity open up to do so – and to not accept and allow myself to let me be controlled and directed by and through fear

I commit myself to speak/interact self-honestly – and to stop my pattern/behavior of hiding myself in the “I agree”-character – wherein I will speak and interact from a starting point of attempting and trying to have others remain “calm” and “nice” towards me – through agreeing and remaining neutral in every way – no matter what others do or say in the moment – and as such I commit myself to speak and live – and be self-honest – even though this will bring forth conflict in my world – and as such not fear conflict – but to stand stable in conflict and remain with my principle as to walking/living/speaking what is best for all – as common sense

I commit myself to not agree with others – simply because I fear disagreeing – and instead speak/communicate within and as common sense – and really ask myself within myself – whether I am in-fact agreeing, or disagreeing with the point presented – or whether I simply do not care about the point – as such pushing myself to be self-honest; and to not play apart in another’s life within wanting and desiring to be accepted – but to instead accept and allow myself to be perceived as unconventional and strange – not fearing this – honoring myself as my individual self-expression that comes forth in the moment – not attempting and trying to control me in order to keep my reality stable; obviously seeing/realizing/understanding that I will due to the shape/form of our current money system have to compromise this point of unconditional self-expression – due to me requiring money, and me having express myself as certain pleasurable, and agreeable characters to be able to attain such money

I commit myself to awaken/develop within me that which I see and admire within others – as being able to speak up and be heard – and stand stable within that speaking up regardless if others become angry and menacing towards that person for what he said; as such I accept and allow myself to develop and grow as myself – self-independence and assertiveness

I commit myself to instead of making friends with people that I admire – in order to feel close to the characteristics/living applications of others that I’ve suppressed and denied with myself; to instead develop/create these points within and as me – and as such learn from others – and be self-honest within myself as to what it is that I admire within others, and want to create within me and live as

I commit myself to step out of the “nice and social character” – and live by a principle that is beyond self-interest as the desire to be liked; and develop myself to instead participation with others take into consideration what is best for all – and not what is best for my character of wanting and desiring to be accepted – I remove this character and I birth in it’s place the ability to consider common sense

I commit myself to stop lying and pretending both within and without; and as such face what I fear as the truth of myself, and the conflict of myself – and to as such face the conflict both within and without; seeing/realizing/understanding that a living a lie is not worth anything at all – and that the only acceptable way to live is to stop the lie and become real – with myself – and with others

I commit myself to make the living of myself both within and without – as simple as breathing; and as such stop creating characters within and without – stop attempting to run away from the truth, and stop attempting to create characters of being pleasurable and nice in order to have others like me; but instead discover/develop the real me – as who I am as the physical – as a physical being with no experience/reaction

I commit myself to step out of the character as the allower – as the hiding-character – that simply let everything within and without slide past without attempting/trying/making a change – speaking up – and directing what is within and without; as such I commit myself to stop seeing my life as a movie that simply passes me by – but to instead stand up within myself and direct myself in every moment of breath according to common sense – as what is best for all; seeing/realizing/understanding that it’s up to me to change me, and that it’s up to me to change/direct my reality in such a way that I see is best for all – no-one else is going to do it for me

I commit myself to be honest with myself – and start living for real – and speaking for real/communicating for real – both with myself and others; and as such stop living a lie – and become physical