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Day 422: Using Money, With Common Sense

It can be easy to forget what is important in the face of money. On the hand, money is really, really important. If you have none – you are literally fucked. However, if you do have your basic needs covered, and money left over to spend on pleasures, then money becomes of less importance.

Because let us say that you have a ton of money, would that make you happier, more comfortable, more safe, have better relationships, be more satisfied? The truth is no – it would however enable you to live out all kind of crazy escapism strategies. What is the purchase of massive luxury yachts, the constant need for home renovating, the urgency to travel and see new places, to experience new kinds of foods, and have new experiences, but our attempts to cover up the truth – the truth that we all feel pretty fucked up – and that our world is pretty much fucked up.

Thus, when the basic needs are covered, and there are money to pursue hobbies and interests, the challenge becomes to keep focus on what is important, and not to become engulfed in the current consumerism capitalism system, where most of everything circles around some form of purchase. It is fascinating – I have seen this many times in myself. I have acquired new hobbies, such as gardening for example. And as I start to deepen my relationship to the interest, the desires start to emerge. Seemingly, I am now in need of a new kind of tool to prepare my garden, or a new type of soil, or seed, to make my hobby fulfilling. This is the lure of money – the belief that we constantly have to spend, to acquire, to purchase in order to fulfill ourselves, and our lives – but the reality is that money is not able to give us that fulfillment – it cannot be bought – it can only be lived.

Children show this to us effectively. They are little about the equipment, the stuff, the toys, and more about their experience within it, their expression, their movement, the relationships, the creativity, and all of the soft, ethereal values that can be explored without money. The challenge as an adult is to remember that. It is not about the money – it is about WHO WE ARE WITHIN WHAT WE DO.

Abundance of money can thus create attention diversion – where we without really wanting it or understanding what we do – start to focus more of ourselves on buying things instead of developing ourselves and our relationships. For example, we neglect our relationships with our children in order to work more, to buy more, to apparently, make ourselves more happy and content – and to create a better future for a children – while really all that our children would want is to spend more time with us when we are relaxed and content.

Money thus is a difficult point to master. The solution as I have found it is to focus on my expression, my expression, and my physical movement – to place focus on WHO I AM and not on what I own or what I want – and to find and establish fulfillment in my expression instead of in buying new things. And it is important to clarify our relationship to money, because in order to change ourselves, and to be a part of changing this reality, we have to use our money to facilitate such a change. We have to spend money to create a better world – and thus – push through our desire/urge to keep it all for ourselves and to use it to further our own interests only.

Muslims have found a good way to deal with this point. They give a percent of their income to people in need, they call it zakat. While it might not have worked in practice – it is a key to moving forward with all kinds of problems in the world. If we want to sort something out, we must fund it, we must give our money to a cause. For example, if we want to support nature, we must invest in nature. If we want to alleviate poverty – we must invest in poor people. And it is not enough to rely on the government to do this – our money must be given direction with awareness. Currently, most of us allow our money to trickle into all kinds of unnecessary and meaningless shit. If we take a self-honest look at what we are buying, it is easy to see that we do not need half of it – and that the money are needed elsewhere.

Thus, when we are able to create a stability in our finances, the challenge is to keep our direction, keep our stability, and to position ourselves to share, to give, and to influence, and impulse the direction/creation we want in this world. Nothing ever comes by itself, it we want it, we have to create it.


Day 202: Fatness and the Judgment Thereof

Yesterday I went to the bathhouse to swim after some weeks of Christmas holidays – and while undressing I was glancing at myself in a mirror close-by – and in the moment I thought to myself that I’d been gaining weight. Coupled with this thought was a slight fear reaction – and this fear was in relation to what others were going to think of me if I was to be fat. Primarily the fear was in relation to attracting negative attention from others.

I then went into thoughts and backchat of trying to find a ‘solution’ to this apparent problem, which was then to make sure that I inserted more days of exercising in my schedule – and in that began planning what type of exercise I would do, how much I would do it, and also imaging how that would change my body, and how I’d feel about such a transformation.

The initial judgment was specifically focused on the looks of my stomach, which I perceived to be slightly bulging outwards – according to me showing the signs of the initial stages of so called beer belly – and I can see that this thought wasn’t alone. There was also backchat about how of gaining a beer belly implies that you’re getting old, and that you’re about to loose that spark of youth and vitality that is considered desirable in today’s society – this was also coupled with fear.

Thus – what I am able to see is that this reaction towards my belly is in it’s very origin a fear that relates to loose stature and value in the system – losing specialness and significance – because when you’re perceived as beautiful and desirable that in itself functions as a key to achieve attention and gain respect in the system. What this goes to show is that I’m not valuing myself – but rather placing value to be an outcome of receiving attention from others – which is obviously very limiting.

I see that in order for me to live real self-acceptance and self-value this point must go – I can’t limit myself to only be comfortable expressing and sharing myself when I know that others perceive me as beautiful and youthful – that is simply not a sustainable solution. And obviously – I want to be able to stand in all positions, in all outflows, regardless of my body type, my age, my position, and where I’m at in the system – and be stable – silent – and value and regard myself for who I am and for what I live – not evaluate myself on the basis of such shallow characteristics as looks and age.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing my value, prestige and status in the system through not anymore being seen as physically attractive and desirable – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop this fear of gaining a beer belly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and judge being and becoming fat – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being fat – in fear that I am then going to be judged or attacked by others, and teased, and looked down upon, because I don’t have the adequate bodily picture and image that according to societies norms and morals is the correct bodily picture to attain

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I look myself in the mirror, and I see that I have a tiny belly sticking out, to immediately judge it, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not realize that I am judging this part of my body because I’ve been programmed and indoctrinated into looking at my body with judgmental eyes – and scouring the image of my body for mistakes and imperfections that I believe and find to be wrong – and that should be changed and aligned

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define having a belly, and being fat, as being a failure – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that being fat implies that you’re weak in character, that you’re undisciplined and that you don’t care about your physically body or physique – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let a shape and form of a body to determine my entire outlook upon another – and upon myself – instead of accepting and allowing myself to see the life beyond the image – to see the actual being that is beyond the picture of either being attractive or unattractive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value and worth how my body looks more than how I physically experience my human physical body – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not when I look at my body – also listen to my body – hear whether my body is in a effective condition – to listen to whether my body is adequately taken care of or if there are alignments that can be made – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and base the word health within the limited concept of how the body looks – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that health is in-fact a much more extensive and expansive word that covers not only looks – but also the very beingness and sense of physical experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I look at myself in the mirror, to critically analyze parts of myself and think that there is something wrong with them – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to critically analyze and take apart my breasts and the muscle tissues that supports them – in thinking that I should have a more extensive muscle tissue – that I should have more worked out and physically fit body that likens the body of athletes and professional dancers – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only consider the image – the only consider the immediate appearance – instead of looking myself and who I am behind the picture and image – to realize that I am not in-fact a professional athlete and I don’t have that particular inclination – neither am I a dancer and I don’t have that inclination either

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept and embrace the shape and form which my body takes – to not make the shape and form of my body the main issue – and the point from which I assess and make decisions – but rather accept and allow myself to amalgamate myself with the feel of my physical body – with the experience and sense of my physical body – so that I in that actually get to know myself physical and what it goes through – so that I then can support my human physical body effectively – and when I notice it’s required – do some exercising in order to strengthen parts of my physical – thus not doing it to look handsome – rather do it as a form of self-support and assistance for and as my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is any correct shape and form to the human physical body – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to superimpose my idea and ideals of what a correct physical shape is unto my human physical body – not seeing, realizing and understanding that obviously I can’t know what a correct physical shape is as I don’t even have the most basic awareness of how the detail of my physical body functions – how am I then able to assess and understand how the physical body should look like?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use advertisements of young males with protruding abdominal muscles – and a athletic – sturdy and muscular physique to become my understanding of how a human physical body should look like – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to impose fitness regimes and exercising habits unto my physical in order to subdue my body to a shape and form that I perceive to be the correct shape and form – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not ask myself – and my body – what form of exercise or food that would be supportive for it and not for my mental idea and definition of what it means to be attractive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my self-value on my self-image and on the amount of attention that I perceive myself to be getting from others – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that when I receive attention from someone in my world – a female – and she seemingly looks at me with eyes filled with awe and lust – to then believe that my value is cemented and that I’ve risen to a new level of self-respect – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this is in-fact not a example of self-value and self-respect – but rather energy games that I define myself according to and believe to be myself – not realizing that this energy will soon dissipate and then I’ll go look for another game to fulfill my need for energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my self-definition and self-image dependent upon energy – and upon how I perceive that other reacts towards my physique – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to groom and care for my body from the starting point of wanting to be accepted and valued by others – wanting to case some form of raucous and attention when I enter into a moment with others – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this is not real self-value – is not real self-love – and it’s not real self-respect – it’s in-fact but a form of energy addiction wherein I define essential parts of my character according to looks – instead of defining them according to who I am and by what principles I live and move by

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I go into judgmental thoughts of my physique, in particular my stomach, and I think that it protrudes in a distasteful and unpleasant manner – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this judgment doesn’t reflect an actual understanding of physicality – and what the human physical body should look like – rather it’s but a judgment – but an idea of how something should look – and not me seeing what would be best for my physical body – thus I commit myself to take a breath and bring myself back here – and accept my body – and do that through breathing and bringing myself back here to the feel and experience of my physical – to the feeling of my human physical body

I commit myself to practice self-respect and self-value through not accepting and allowing myself to define my value and my worth according to imagery – according to how I look and how I believe that others see me and look at me – and thus I commit myself to embrace and accept myself unconditionally and stand as self-worth regardless of my looks – and walk this point practically through not accepting and allowing judgments in relation to my physique to fester in me and build

When and as I see that I am going into a positive energy and experience – of feeling significant and distinguished – because I believe that some female have caught my eye and feels lust towards my body – I immediately stop myself – I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this is not real self-value or self-respect – this is but an energy – but a energy game that I am playing which will eventually run out and disappear into nothingness – and thus I commit myself to stand stable and grounded when interacting with the other sex – to base the foundation of my value and worth upon WHO I AM as a being – who I am in my daily living and what I accept and allow and what I will not accept and allow – instead of making looks that which I use to define me as a person

I Am the Example That Desteni “I” Process Works!

When I started process about 3 years ago I was a wreck of fear. I seldomly spoke a word that was unconditional and not tainted with anxiety and worry. I thought about money all the time, how much money did I have? How little money did I have? Always in a constant and continuous worry and fear. Did I have enough friends? Do I have enough sexual experience? I mean, basically all the bullshit you can think off – that existed in my head and shaped the experience of me!

So, quiet fucked up. But then I found desteni and my process of purification began. Slowly I started to bring myself back to the physical and as fear or anxiety arose I breathed through it. Each time fear of money came, each time fear of the future came – I applied self-forgiveness. Or I mean, not each time – this application has actually grown with me as I’ve expanded in my process. But anyway, I’ve been quite consistent with my application of self-forgiveness and then the practical application of breathing through the shit and not re-creating it again.

And look! Look where I am at today! I mean, you can’t see it or experience it as I do, but I mean if you could – I just say wow. The experience of me, the character of me, the words that I speak, how I take decisions, how I consider implications of my participation in my world; in comparison to the old me, I am now a life rocket scientist. Meaning, my application of living is now at the level of a rocket scientist, if (apparent) intelligence was to be compared with the ability to live, and before I was a 3-year-old worm. LOL! That’s how much I’ve ‘grown’ since I began this process. Not that a rocket scientist necessarily knows anything about living, it was just an example to show my growth – from a worm to a rocket scientist.

And I mean, the experience of myself compared to before is simply astonishing. I remember that Bernard told me once on the farm, “It feels like you are dead inside”. I also experienced myself that way before. I slept 12 hours each day. I mean, I don’t feel dead anymore and I don’t sleep 12 hours each day. I don’t dread to get up in the morning anymore, I can see something new at my horizon, something that I’ve never experienced before except as a very young child. Life!

This would never have been possible without the assistance of Desteni or the courses that Desteni “I” process offer. I mean, I am the example that what Desteni say is the truth. I am the example that self-forgiveness, self-honesty and common sense are indeed the key to heaven on earth. And unfortunately I can’t invite you inside of me to see and experience the change – I would if I could!

Though, I can invite you to walk the same process that I’ve walked and as such have the opportunity to give yourself the gift that I’ve given to me. Then you don’t require looking inside of me, because you will look inside of yourself and there will be this silence and comfortableness within you, in which you simply feel at home. That is life – real satisfaction with no fear or desire and this is possible for each and everyone to experience. Our system of money, greed and fear is not the only way to live – there is another way! It’s a way to experience heaven on earth – which is you in full application of yourself as self-trust.

So, don’t wait – don’t hesitate – join desteni “I” process and discover that the meaning of life is here – as yourself – as breath – as the physical.