Tag Archives: communicate

Day 401: A Dramatic Unfolding of Events

Lately I have been walking through a fascinating point with regards to the emotional experience of betrayal. Before this, I did not consider myself a particularly sensitive, dramatic or emotional person, however, while this might be so in certain contexts, I definitely still have points to work with in other contexts.

This particular point opened up when I invited a friend to come and stay with me over the weekend. We agreed on a date, though, shortly before he was supposed to come over, my friend cancelled and told me that he had other responsibilities to tend to and could not make it. My initial reaction was that of worry/fear, believing that there was something wrong with me that had caused my friend to cancel. Then followed a reaction of feeling betrayed by my friend, because I felt as if he had promised me that he would meet up, and now broken that promise, and that feeling of betrayal in turn became resentment and anger.

Now, when this happened within me, I was pretty much taken by surprise, because I usually do not react like this. Though, on the other hand, I seldom invite anyone over, and I have not ever been a person to naturally ‘put myself out there’ when it comes to friends and relationships – hence the entire situation was a little bit out of character as to my part within it. Regardless, the final stage of this chain of reactions within me was blame, and while in this state of blame, my mind fervently began looking for ways through which I could take my revenge. These plots usually contained some way in which I rejected my friend and ‘made him feel what I had felt’.

Obviously, I could see clearly the insanity of what was going on inside of me, and I think the reason for this is because I am on average not very emotional. I am instead, most often, levelheaded and stable – and I do not accept and allow myself to use the relationships I have in my life to wind me up emotionally. I started looking at this point that I was walking through – I began applying self-forgiveness – and I could see, realize and understand a few underlying themes within me that were creating this experience.

Firstly, I could see that in relationships, especially those of friendships, I am still holding unto a sense of inferiority – where I feel that I am fortunate and lucky to be able to spend time with the other person, and secretly, deep within me, feel that I do not really deserve it. This belief then creates a tendency within me to compromise and change myself with others to make sure that they like me and that I retain the friendship. Seeing this, I realized that one important point that I will have to change is HOW I approach relationships. I cannot accept and allow a inequality within me, in the sense that I am either less, or more, than the other person, and that I hence have to fight, or that the other person have to fight, to retain the connection. In order for me to be stable in relationships, the approach must be one of equality, where I share myself, naturally, as who I am with another, and also realizing that whether the connection leads to a deeper connection or not, that is not something that I can control.

Secondly, I could see, realize and understand that in order to grow and expand when it comes to relationships in my life, I have to be the one that takes the initiative, and invite, communicate, push to share and give of myself, and at times, that will not be reciprocated, and other times it will. However, what is important to remember is that I cannot accept and allow MY expression within it all to change depending on whether my approaches are reciprocated or not – it must be something that I do from within and as a starting point of self-trust, self-love and self-worth – and where it hence does not matter how others will respond.

Thirdly, I could see that what this entire situation has shown me, is that I still have a lot of work to be done on my self-image and self-value – and hence I have pushed myself to be grateful for the various patterns that have opened up within and through this event – and utilized this way of approaching my reactions to let go of blame and resentment. Because I know that it is never about others, it is always about myself, and my relationship with myself.


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Day 318: Insider or Outsider, Where Do You Want To Be?

Have you ever felt like an outsider? The word is usually used in the context of social interaction, the forming and shaping of groups, friendships, and other social structures – and it identifies the individuals that are not part of the social structure that has developed. In the dictionary, an outsider is, among other things, defined as a person who is not accepted by or who isolates themselves from society.

Looking at the emotional charge of the word, it has a definitive negative emotional connotation. Being an outsider is not something that is defined as a positive characteristic of a person, and hence, many of us, are very much fearful of excommunication, of bullying, and being pushed away from our current social setting, that is to say, from the group within which we have come to define ourselves. Existing within such a fear is a limitation, and hence it is clear that, for anyone feeling like an outsider, the solution is not to strive to become an insider, the solution is not to build your self-image, and self-value upon you being part of a group. For us to be self-reliant, self-confident, effective people with integrity to be able to stand for what we see is best for all, there cannot be any emotional dependency on a group of people.

Being an outsider is however not a solution, and what I have found in my own process of walking through and directing the ‘outsider-character’ is that it is also a mind-construct with a core point of fear. Here the fear is also that of being excommunicated and pushed out from the group, however the tactic is different. Instead of playing along with the game, and aiming to be accepted and loved by a group, the strategy is to never be part of a group to begin with, because then the fear of being rejected by a group will never materialize. It is a more cunning way of avoiding the hurtful experience of rejection, however, it is also severely limiting our potential as human beings to expand, form relationships and get to know people.

The solution is not to try and make ourselves friends with everyone, and the solution is not to become an outsider and push people away. What I have realized is that in order to transcend this polarity of either being an insider, or an outsider, we have to deal with the core issues – and that is in both cases – fear. For me, this fear has consisted out of the fear of rejection, fear of not being accepted, fear of not being liked and fear of not fitting in.

To deal with these fears, what I did was that I asked myself questions, such as the following: ‘Why do I fear rejection? Why do I fear not being accepted? Why do I fear not being liked and not fitting in?’ – and what came through here is that all of these fears relate back to me – and that I have not developed a sufficient self-standing, self-acceptance, and self-value. Because would I be able to fear rejection if I knew that regardless of what happened, I would always stand with and by myself and be fulfilled and whole in that? And would I fear not being liked or fitting in, if I would enjoy myself, and perfectly well, fit into my own life the way I see is best for all?

The answer to those questions is no – and as such we are able to learn a lot about ourselves through investigating how we feel around groups of people, how we interact, how we think and whether we decide to become an outsider or an insider. I have found that our emotional experiences is only ever a consequence of a misalignment in our relationship with ourselves, and should only be used as a guiding light to find the real underlying issues.

I have found that the most efficient way to direct these underlying issues, which are the real problem, is to LIVE WORDS. The process of living words is easy to understand and it is being thoroughly walked through at the School of Ultimate Living, which I suggest anyone interested in changing deep seated compromising habits and patterns to pay a visit to. Living Words basically means that we establish a word, with a definition, that effectively serves as a placeholder for a new expression we want to establish in our lives, and then we put that new expression into practice.

With me, I established that the word self-acceptance would assist and support me to change my experience of myself. I looked at how I could express this word in my day-to-day living – in this I saw that I regularly throughout my days – judged myself for how I interacted with people. I thought back on my interactions either defining them as ‘good’ or as ‘bad’. I defined a interaction as good when there was a flow to the conversation and a natural comfortableness between the other person and I. The interaction was defined as bad when there was a miscommunication, an emotion coming through, uncertainty coming to the surface, or some other external or internal event occurred that stopped the ‘flow’ in the moment.

Then I could see that an effective way of living self-acceptance would be to stop these assessments of myself and my social interactions with others – and to replace this assessment chatter with me accepting myself in the moment of interaction – and doing that through relaxing my body, feeling my breath, and bringing myself back HERE whenever I could see that this assessment chatter wanted to come up within me. Hence practically developing and LIVING self-acceptance – and through this process I have been able to change my experience of myself when it comes to groups – where I am not anymore as afraid of what people might think of me, and how well I fit in, or whether I am liked or not.

Living words is a efficient way of transcending the polarity of being an insider or outsider – and it places the focus back on self. Because it is not about whether we feel apart of the group or not, it is all a reflection of the relationship we have with ourselves – and hence – all of our lives can be used as a support for us to get to know ourselves more intimately and establish new patterns and expressions that are best for all.


Other blogs on this topic:

Day 577 – Do I not belong?

437. What to Do when Feeling like an Outcast?

Outsiders – day 695

461: You Don’t Have to be an Outsider – Invite Yourself In

Day 1102: Stepping out of Your Comfort Zone

Day 148- Isolating Myself from Relationship’s

The Outsider – Day 511

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Day 293: Being Social and Outgoing

Being social and outgoing, for some that might be easy, for others, me included, it is difficult and oftentimes something connected with resistance and insecurity. For me, I have felt comfortable standing more in the background when it comes to social interactions, and especially in group contexts. My preference have been, and still is, to interact with, and get to know people on a one on one basis and move forward in a slow tempo. However, in this world, that type of interaction is many times not possible, and in the professional world, we are many times expected to be outgoing, social, look happy, and pleasant. And unfortunately, we tend to judge on the basis of first impression, and then create our relationship with each other on the basis of that, instead of getting to know the other individual on a more deep, and intimate level, which always takes time.

So, in the professional world, and generally speaking, creating relationships in the world system demands that we develop and utilize the skill of creating a positive first impression. Not that much is required for a successful first impression, it is usually just being dressed properly, smiling, asking how the other person is doing. Though for me, this has been hard, because I feel like a sell out – because inside of me I am not really feeling/living that happiness/smile – or that real interest when I am asking how the other person is doing – it is currently an act made from a starting point of survival.

Now, I do see that there is a potential to change this interaction with other people, from being survival driven, to instead be self-driven – where the starting point is not ‘making a good impression’ – but rather sharing myself with another person in a moment – hence – giving of myself to another person in a moment through my words, my actions, and my behavior – showing to them that I am there with them in that moment and that I am meeting them – seeing them in that moment – recognizing them and allowing them into my world.

Thus, what must change within me is WHO I AM when approaching another person, and instead of being self-conscious, and worried about how the other person sees me, to instead be open, and comfortable, and sharing myself with the other person, giving that person a moment of my time where my presence and awareness is fully HERE – where they can feel that I am present – I am here – and that I am meeting them.

Why? Because that is how I would like another to meet me. I would like them to see me, and recognize me as an equal, and that they would take some time to get to know me, to ask me some questions, and open up a line of communication. There are very few people that are able to do this, and those few that are, I am immediately able to notice it in how I relax with them, and naturally open up in my expression – because I can see that they accept me and allow me to come into their world for a moment and take up their attention.

There is a potential to create these unconditional moments of meeting other people everyday in the world system. It is all a matter of how we define the relationship. If we label it as only being a professional relationship, then that is all it will ever be. If we however are open and unconditional, and we give of ourselves, maybe that relationship will develop in another direction. I have been able to see this for myself, where I have initially created a label for a relationship such as being professional, and then, as I have communicated more with the person, the relationship have changed, opened up, and become a lot more deep and intimate.

It is really cool what can develop if we are open, and if we give of ourselves through being present, here, aware, and make an effort to get to know others, communicate, see others, and recognize them for their skills, and unique potential. Though, it does not come by itself, as I mentioned, it requires effort and a push – especially if we have a tendency to withdraw – then there must be a daily pushing outwards until that point of unconditional giving in social situations is established.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not change socialization, meeting new people, interacting, and speaking into a self-expression – a moment where I give of myself to another unconditionally – where I am present and aware as I for a moment meet another – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to corrupt this meeting of another human being into being only about survival, about fitting in, about being accepted – instead of seeing it as a moment of connecting with another universe and the opportunities such a connection can provide

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that every meeting with a new human being – is an opportunity to expand myself – and an opportunity for me to get to know someone else – to get a new and fresh look on life as I look on life through the eyes of someone else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that in order to change my relationship with meeting new people, I will have to push through my comfort zones, and I will have to push the point of being HERE and OPEN and PARTICIPATE in the moment – pushing myself to be a part of the moment instead of withdrawing into myself and holding myself back in my zone of comfort

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that meeting another, and creating relationships is an opportunity for me to expand myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see relationships and meeting new people as a nuisance and as something that I do not particularly enjoy to do – yet something that I must force myself to do so that I am able to fit in – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not change this to instead being ME – GIVING of myself – GIVING of myself as my self-expression – as my unique way of interacting with and looking at the world – and that I am as such able to assist and support others to expand equally as they are assisting and supporting me to expand

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people based on first impression, to judge them on the basis of memories, and ideas of how people should behave, and to judge them on the basis of how I feel about them, not seeing, realizing and understanding that this judgment is not real – that it is an experience and not an actual knowing of the other person – and thus I commit myself to make the effort to get to know people for real through communicating with them – through being present and aware with them – through being HERE and not in my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I know someone when I have an experience about that person – and when I have seen how that person interacts in one situation and in one moment – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I cannot know someone, and judge someone on the basis of one moment – and that people are much more than only one character in one moment, and that I can get to see this when I make the effort to get to know people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not show myself, and open myself up to people when I am interacting with them – to stand in my physical body in such a way that I am HERE and that I do not accept and allow myself to withdraw myself and go into a state of hiding

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself out into the physical – through my body language – through my voice – through how I am standing and interacting here in this moment – to push myself outwards into this physical reality and stand

Self-commitments

When and as I see myself going into a state of hiding, through the way I place my body, with my shoulders slouching, looking downwards, and wanting to escape into myself, I stop, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this is not a solution – and in order to get to know my reality, to get to know people, to expand – I must face it – be part of it – stand and move in it – and that is done through coming out of my body – out from hiding – and standing in the middle of it all facing life – and thus I commit myself to push myself to stand in my chest area – and push myself out into physical reality through my voice, my body language, and my presence

I commit myself to make the effort to get to know others through communication, interaction and participation – and I commit myself to create the comfort zone with others – where I can be myself – through consistently pushing myself to communicate and break the ice – break the isolation and the fear – and establish that real comfort zone – where I am comfortable in being with another and being myself – because I have created that comfort in my relationship with another person through communication and interaction

I commit myself to push through resistance and awkwardness that might come up as I make an effort to communicate, participate and interact – and I commit myself to see, realize and understand that it is a matter of practice

I commit myself to present, aware and here – and make the focus of a moment with another – that I GIVE myself unconditionally – that I SHARE myself unconditionally – and do not accept and allow myself to remain withdrawn and hidden far back inside of myself

Day 265: Knowing and Not Knowing

i-knowIn conversations with others, these following words are quite common: ‘I know’ and ‘I don’t know’ – and usually they will arise within self as a reaction. With this I mean that the statement will not be an actual, factual, and objective statement that we make in a moment, instead our words will come from within and as an energetic movement in our solar plexus.

Let us begin with the statement ‘I don’t know’ – now for me – this many times comes up almost automatically, immediately. If someone asks me a question that I cannot answer, without for a moment, stopping up, and looking at it within me, then I will say ‘I don’t know’. Though the truth here is not that ‘I don’t know’ – what I am really saying is more: ‘I do not want to/feel like looking more deeply at this point’ – and then I use the get out of jail free card: ‘I don’t know’. Hence, the statement ‘I don’t know’ is actually something that I use as a excuse, to not stop up, and look deeper at a point – to not for a moment introspect and be truly inquisitive and investigate the why/how of something.

A way to correct this relationship with ‘I don’t know’ is to instead, as we want to speak these words, stop for a moment, and really allow the question asked to sink in, and see whether we are in-fact able to find the answer. If we after that process of self-investigation say ‘I don’t know’ – it will be the genuine truth of ourselves. Though if we do not push ourselves to walk that process of self-investigation, then our words ‘I don’t know’ will be as false idol – and not the actual representation of ourselves in a moment.

When it comes to the words ‘I know’ – there is an interesting difference. Often we speak these words when we feel that we already know what is being shared with us. Then even though the other person has only but begun talking, we interfere and exclaim that ‘I know’! Here as well it is a matter of speaking words that are not a real representation of who we are in a moment – because is it true that we know? Well, we might feel like we know, yet how can we possibly see what another will share/speak before they have been given the time to finish what they started?

Hence, the words ‘I know’ is actually a form of resistance, and when I speak these words, it is because I feel distressed and bored with having to hear something that I feel/experience I have already heard and established within myself – not understanding that there might be something new to be learned/realized – that I am now missing out on because I exist within and as this state of resistance/fear.

Thus, to redefine ‘I know’ into something supportive, what we can do is to, as someone is speaking/sharing something that we feel familiar with, give ourselves the time to really listen, and the person the time to really share themselves and their point until they are finished. And then when we have listened to the entire story, we can with clarity establish within ourselves, whether, or whether not we already know this. We might not even feel the need to share with the person that we ‘already know’ – we can simply conclude within that this information is already firmly established within self and thus nothing that I require to hold unto.

What is common ground with these two SOLUTIONS is the fact that they involve taking a moment to stop, to breathe and release the need to haste, and stress to the next moment – to instead be HERE and look more deeply – penetrate what is apparent and reveal that which is under the surface. It is fascinating how such a small moment of change/alteration can have a big impact within ourselves/lives – though really – what is life but these small moments of change/direction – that is what constitutes who we are – and through changing these small building blocks of life – we are actually changing ourselves/our world/this world system.

Day 120: Communication and Awareness

communicateOne point that I have worked with lately is communication and in that self-expansion. This point opened up through listening to Eqafe interviews, as well as reading the blogs from others – and what was pointed out and shared in these was how we tend to not see how little we in-fact communicate with others in our world. We instead go through our life’s taking everything and everyone for granted and even with those closest to us we seldom strike up a conversation wherein we are aware, present, here – listening and hearing what another is sharing.

The practical correction that I have applied is thus the simple point of communicating more – in particular with those people that I do meet every day but that I have not allowed myself to see and get to know. One example is the shopkeeper in the kiosk nearby where I live. I have been buying things from this guy for several years, yet not once have I asked him where he is from, whether he likes his job or not, really, I have not asked him anything at all except for the receipt. Though recently as I went to his small kiosk, I asked him some questions, really basic questions, and it was fascinating to see how much enjoyed it, and that he as well seemed to enjoy it, and in this movement I expanded myself and my world – I got to know another a little better than before, and no more was this person but a prop in my world with the sole purpose of providing me with various goods and wares.

Now I have begun to expand this point of communication to more instances in my world, and it is something that I enjoy to do very much – and I am astounded to see how much I have been missing. I have seen that there are much more to people than what meets the eye, something I did not understand before, because I never took the decision to communicate, share myself, open up, and get to know another.

This point is really but one small point in my process of discovering the physical, and I am now with more clarity able to see how much in my world that I have not seen, great things, cool things, that have been just before my nose, but that I have not noticed because I have been to busy in my mind thinking about all kinds of things. Really, there is so much to discover and see in every moment, and an interview that assisted and supported me in seeing this is the Life review Conditioned into the mind. In this interview a man shares his life of how he instead of being aware and paying attention to what is here in the physical, directed his focus into his mind – as such missing all of that which each day was around him, instead existing in repetitive and limited thought-patterns going around, around, the same subjects, same emotions and same feelings.

Thus, life really is what we make of it – because we can either align our life and living to into and as this physical world, which is a place filled with discoveries, things to be learnt, with uncountable dimensions and aspects waiting to be seen and understood – and in this living here with the physical life becomes fun, a perpetual expansion and movement, where one is actually able to develop oneself for real, whilst a life in the mind is the opposite, it is a spiraling down into limitation, wherein one after a while miss all touch with life and the possibilities that are supplied on a golden platter in every moment.

The key to life is the physical.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the physical for granted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not pay attention to my physical reality, to not care about my physical reality, to believe that I have already seen everything that is to be seen, that I already understand the physical and that there are more important things for me to do in my mind – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the physical is a point that I have not really ever accepted and allowed myself to stand equal with and discover

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand equal and one with and as the physical, and make the self-willed decision to be here with the physical in every moment, and to notice and see the physical, to pay attention to the details, to be aware of my surroundings and accept and allow myself to see what is here, and get to know what is here – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become stuck in repetitive and monotone thoughts, and feelings, and emotions in my mind, and spend my life inside my head, instead of being here with and as the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the physical for granted, take other human beings for granted, take my body for granted, and not care to get to know it, to be intimate with it, to discover it and understand it – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend my life in my mind in a zombie-mode – wherein I am continuously thinking about things, believing that this is life and living, while really it is the epitome of limitation, and as such I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to push myself and will myself to be aware of my physical reality, of my physical body, of the physical sensations that are here in every moment – ready to be explored – ready to be known

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mind reality is more real and valid than the physical reality, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend all my time in my mind imaginary reality in my head, instead of standing, living, and walking with my physical reality – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value my mind more than life – more than the physical – more than life substance; and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand to what extent that I am limiting myself and holding myself back from living a effective life that is fun and enjoyable to take part in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in my mind I am isolated and separate from what is here, and in that state of being there is really no meaning or purpose to my life, because in essence I do not exist, I am merely entertaining myself in a illusory state of energy; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to give myself and my life real meaning and substance – through pushing and willing myself to be present – be aware – be HERE within and as every moment breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard my physical reality as non-important – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead give all my attention and focus to my mind – to exist in my mind in fantasies, dreams and imaginations of the future, or the past, and in this not see, realize and understand what it is that I am missing here – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the physical is REAL – that the physical is LIFE – and that my mind is DEATH – in my mind there exists no life as it is simply a machine created to distract me from what is real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my physical reality and world for granted, and instead spend my time, and life in my mind, wherein I am living in fantasies, in experiences, in dreams and hopes of the future, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to completely and utterly disregard and push my life away – life being the physical – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I wake up in the morning, to begin my day from a starting point of taking life for granted, of taking what is here for granted, of just getting up and starting to participate in my mind – instead of accepting and allowing myself to be aware and present and recognize the physical – feel the physical and interact with the physical equal and one

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my mind is limited – and that the physical represents an opportunity to truly make my life meaningful and substantial, because in living with the physical, I am actually interacting and communicating with and as something real, actual, that have substance, and that have life – but in my mind there is only me – only me running after these ludicrous thoughts of no meaning or purpose – and that is something I can do for the rest of my life – unless I make the active decision to in every moment stop myself – bring myself back here – and recognize the physical – recognize life – recognize what is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be grateful for this physical reality and the support that it supplies unconditionally – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this physical reality makes life possible and that without it I could not have existed – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not align myself with life through in every moment being present, aware and physical – pushing myself to be practical and walking my life within and as breath – and as such not accepting and allowing myself to spend my life and my time in my mind

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am taking life for granted, taking the physical for granted, taking a moment for granted, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that taking physical for granted is ignorance – because the physical gives life – the physical supports life – the physical is life – and as such me taking that for granted implies that I am missing life – as such I commit myself to bring myself back here in every moment of breath – and stand with and as the physical – be practical – and walk within and as breath and awareness of my entire physical

When and as I see that I am, as I wake up in the morning, Immediately going into my mind, and I immediately start to think instead of being HERE – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that life is HERE with the physical and not in my mind, not in experiences, not in thoughts, not in pictures, it is here – before my very eyes; as such I commit myself to stand up within me and align myself with life as the physical and as such wake up HERE as breath within and as the physical

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